Author: Christopher Willings PM
A parody of the morality play, Everyman. Written for my 11th grade Drama class in 2002.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 1,428 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 04-16-06 - Status: Complete - id: 2155093
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
By Christopher Willings
Narrator:It is a cold March morning at RSHS or Rich Snob High School, in beautiful but tainted Fort Thomas, Kentucky. Ms. Grades dismal first-period drama class is just coming to session as the students all arrive…eventually--albeit half drunk and stoned out of their tiny little Appalachian hillbilly minds. But sitting quite unremarkable at the front of the class is our hero, Everystudent.
Grades:(From her desk at the front of the class) All right, good morning class. How were your weekends?
EveryRedNeck:(From the back of the class) I got drunk!
Grades:(After taking drink of her coffee) Well, since I've grown up in the same moral void as the rest of you, I'll just say funny things that will make it seem like I support underage drinking and drug abuse. That being said, any grisly tales of intemperance to share, class?
Narrator:Sorry kids, but that's how things are done in Kentucky. Not a single role model in sight for miles thanks to the state's bleeding-heart idealist officials who believe its okay for these things to go on. But that's only the background of our story here today…
Grade:Okay then class, we have an assignment today. (Everyone groans) Hey, shut-up Everyone.
Everyone:Sorry, Ms. Grades.
Grades:Now, I thought it would be wildly ironic that I would ask you all to write a morality play.
EveryRedNeck:Hey! What's morality?
Grades:How should I know? Don't you listen to the Narrator?
EveryRedNeck:Naw. I was too busy smoking pot and chugging beers.
Grades:Good boy. (Looks at students) Now this morality play will be a significant part of your easily earned grades. And lets face it, a drunken monkey with an unsharpened pencil could pass high school in Kentucky.
Narrator:Someone better get them some pencils.
Grades:And I needn't remind you, Everystudent, that you've slacked off most of the year and need a satisfactory play to pass the class. Ha! Now you know why they call me Grades! (To the class) Now get to work people. I'm only giving you six months to write a one-page play.
Narrator:I doubt they can manage that. But the social commentary of the story, for the most part, is over now. All eyes are on Everystudent as he begins to think about the assignment. But before he can act, sitting beside him his friend, Joe Laziness, moves to talk to him.
Laziness:Morality play, what a joke! Like any of us are going to do a morality play.
Everystudent:Well, I certainly have to do it. (Shakes his head) This school seems to be giving us so much crap lately.
Laziness:That's why I say don't do it. Plain and simple.
Everystudent:Joe, you certainly live up to your name.
Laziness:Whatever Everystudent. What the heck kinda name is that anyway?
Everystudent:How should I know? Everybody keeps calling me that. I don't know why.
Laziness:(To passing student) Hey, Everybody.
Everystudent:I mean, I'm not "every student". Everystudent would be some drunken redneck stoner.
Laziness:Maybe we should call you, "EverystudentNotFromKentucky".
EverystudentNotFromKentucky:It would be more appropriate, but takes too long to say. Lets not complicate matters, eh?
Laziness:Right. Okay, here's the deal. We put this off as long as possible and then we do it at the last last second. School is no place for doing work.
Everystudent:Oh, that's your answer for everything.
Laziness:(Puzzled) I thought Everything was absent today.
BeatingADeadHorse:Hey guys, get to work.
Laziness:Hey, how bout we play some cards?
Everystudent:Now you're being every student, Kentucky boy.
Everystudent:At least I'm not too lazy to do it.
Narrator:Oh, but before the ol' Joe can say another word, the two are joined by a duo of other strangely named students, Shannon Job and Dan Motivation--Everystudent's girlfriend and his best friend, respectively.
Job:(Sitting down with Dan) Hey, losers. Whining about the assignment?
Everystudent:(Half serious) You know, I really don't like you. All you do is complicate my life.
Job:Yeah, that sounds about right. But without me you wouldn't have a lot of the things you do.
Laziness:She's right, you know.
Everystudent:Hey, do you know how hard it is for me to do anything now that I have to deal with you constantly?
Job:You know you love me.
Motivation:Settle down you two. I swear, you two should just get married and get it over with.
Everystudent:Feels like I already am.
Job:(With a smile) Get used to it, in one form or another I'll always be around.
Everystudent:That's the problem. So (Turns to Dan), what's your take on this whole morality play thing?
Motivation:I don't know. Y'see, the thing is, why should we do it? Huh? We come into school everyday and they force us to learn things--make us work for an education that we didn't volunteer for.
Everystudent:Oh, so you're saying you wanna be some loser working as a cook at Pizza Hut for the rest of your life, telling the younger generation about how to live their lives because yours is crap.
Motivation:No, I don't mean that. But we're practically adults now. We either want to learn this stuff or we don't. Why force us to do it?
Everystudent:And your point to this monologue would be?
Motivation:First, it's not a monologue--you would know that if you ever paid attention.
Everystudent:Hey, this school makes us pay for classes, books, and other crap. Now I gotta pay attention, too? No deal.
Motivation:(Continuing) …Second, they're teaching us not to like any of this stuff we're learning because it's coupled with stress and torture.
Everystudent:So you're saying you're not motivated. Big surprise there.
Laziness:See, all good reasons not to put-up with this stuff. Forget the morality play.
Everystudent:(Sits back in his chair and crosses his arms) I don't know. But hey, why are you all trying to get me not to do this play?
Motivation:(Chuckles) It's our job.
Everystudent:(Shakes head in defeat)
Narrator:Well, that's the sad stuff of life right there, kids. It seems our hero has fallen by the wayside once again. Oh well, that's how the cookie crumbles, I guess.
Ego:(Enters from the door and hands Ms. Grades a tardy slip)
Narrator:But wait…what's this? Could that actually be Dave Ego? Oh, this is certainly a surprise. I wasn't expecting him to be here today. This could be interesting indeed.
Ego:(Comes over to the group) Hey, Everystudent. What's going on?
Everystudent:Ah, these guys have convinced me to not do this whole morality play thing. Waste of time anyway if you ask me.
Ego:What? You're going to listen to people named "Laziness", "Job", and "Motivation"? What are you on smack or something? Forget them, man.
Everystudent:Where were you five minutes ago?
Ego:Hey, that's not important. What is important is you getting this done.
Ego:(Smiles) Because you're better than them, pal. These kids, they can't write their way out of a paper bag! It's always the same old hackneyed crap they saw on TV once. Forget them.
Everystudent:Y'know, you're right. Thanks, Dave. You're a lifesaver.
Ego:Hey, you can always count on Ego to turn you the right way.
Everystudent:Okay--I'm not sure I'd go that far--but okay.
Laziness:What are you going to write your play about?
Everystudent:Ah, it came to me while we were talking. I'll do it about some poor loser who has to write a morality play. And I'll fill it with all kinds of social commentary just to be a jerk. Because I am the greatest writer in the entire school.
Narrator:Well, it certainly seems like our hero found out what was really important in life--his ego. And believe me, he went to write his play about trying to write a play. How do I know? Well, you're reading it, aren't you?
Narrator:Kinda anticlimactic, ain't it? Goodbye all!