Unspoken Love (For Someone Who Can Not Know)

There where so many things that I long to say. But yet, I can not seem to be able to tell her. I am afraid of what will happen if I do. I am afraid that our friendship will be shattered forever if I dare to mutter the words ‘I love you’.
How I long to be able to say those three words to her. But I am so scared. I don’t want to lose her. Not now.
I need her too much, that I will take what I am given and be happy with it. I have been granted her friendship, and it would only be selfish of me to want more.
But more I want. And do I feel selfish?
No I do not. I feel a fool. A heart that is breaking every minute I do not say those words. But not selfish.
I would feel selfish, if maybe I told her, and ruined a friendship. That I do not want to do.
I feel a fool, maybe because I love her so, or maybe because I can not say it to her.
I feel a fool because I think she deserves to know, but I can not be the one to tell her. I can not risk that.

Words can not describe what I really feel. They are but a pitiful excuse of trying to explain it. Of trying to explain what it is I feel.
I do not know where I should begin, in trying to express myself. In trying to express my feelings.
It is a curious, wanting feeling. It is always there. Only it is more evident when ever she is near. My heart beats faster, as though it is calling for her. It gets so loud, that sometimes I fear that maybe she will hear it if I am not careful.
I want her so much. I want to be allowed to love her. But most of all, I want her to be able to love me in return.
I do not know if I would be able to survive if she ever stopped being my friend. I am sure that I would die.
That is why I can not tell her. If I tell her, I am sure that I will lose her.

And that I could not bear.

That I would not be able to live with.

That is what I fear.

I can only hope that she will forgive me for not being able to tell her. Hope she will forgive me for lying to her. For not telling her the truth.
I am living a under false facade of friendship. And I can not, or maybe, will not, break it.
To break it will be to shatter what I have built up. It would shatter what I have made my self.
I have made my self out to be only a friend. Nothing more.
But that is what I want isn’t it? More?
I want more than just friendship. I want something that I know I will never have. I know that it can never be that way. It would ruin everything if she knew what I secretly desired.

I do not want her to hate me. Or even to dislike me. I would rather live a lie than risk her disliking me.
And I know she would. I have had, too many times before, done something similar, and each time, I have lost a friend because of it. And I will not risk losing her the same way.
I could not bear that.

So I will live without her knowing. I will have to. I do not wish to lose her through my own stupidity. I love her to much to lose her over something so stupid.

So suffer under my love for her I shall. Suffer in silence. With a false smile, and the promise of everlasting friendship.

I think it would break her to love one of her best friends. But most of all I think it would break her to love another girl.