Saturday 18th Feb.

Dear Kush,

It’s Jess, by the way.

I woke up Saturday morning expecting for it to be one of the worst days of my life...being poked and pinched by wrinkly old ladies, however, it turned out to be quite the opposite. Well, I still got poked at and pinched and ‘cute-sied' by the ladies AND I was made to wear that ORANGE thing...but...well, here's how it went...

I was looking around my room for places to hide my orange...thing when it hit me. Of course...derrr...behind the dresser, so I stuffed the thing behind the dresser just as mum came bustling in. She nearly had a heart attack seeing me still in my casual (what she calls “horrid") clothing. I mean what is wrong with a t-shirt and Levi’s? She walked over to my dresser and pulled the...thing from out behind it and I almost choked on the Malteser I was eating. She said "hurry put this on" and I said "no" and she said "yes" in her dangerous and icy tone so I had no CHOICE but to put it on. When we were in the car, I asked mum how she knew, she just waved her hand (though this was partially due to the fly that was trapped in the car) and said "honestly darling, you have got to think up better places to hide these. Jamie used to hide it behind the dresser ALL the time” (you see!! this is what happens when you’re the youngest) and then she just continued to try and brush the fly out the window. Then we arrived at the country club.

We were all sitting primly like lovely ladies at the table while being served vegetable soup...if you've tried it (the one from my mother's country club), you would know how I feel, and if you haven't tried it...don’t...as you may or may not know, it's this brownish green colour, like puke in my opinion. Anyway, we were being served (by Mrs. Long red talon lady) and having a 'conversation' (more like lecture) about etiquette and posture. One of the ladies was saying: "young ladies should ALWAYS chew like they have a secr--" and then there was this piercing SMASH and believe it or not, this shiny, white, polished golf ball comes flying through the window...the new putting green is like a kilometre away...at least I think it is.

Anyway, this ball is flying though the air (followed by small pieces of glass, there's this perfectly round hole in the window now) and it was coming towards us, no, towards red talon lady, and every eye in the whole room is fixed on this one ball and there is silence. It gets closer...and closer...AND then it goes PLOP! Into the massive bowl of puke soup in the middle of the table (it was the coolest plopping noise by the way) as you would expect, all the soup flies up into the air and splashes over everyone...but most of it went on red talon lady who was serving.

It was as if something exploded at that moment, everyone started screaming...well all the old ladies anyway...man they can scream. They made so much noise that everyone rushed to see what was wrong; there were the cooks, and the country club manager, the receptionist, and all the kids from the child-minding centre in the room next door. The red talon lady wipes her face with the back of her hand (so much for the 'dab you face with a napkin' rule) and smears all of her makeup...and the mascara's running down her face...this little kid looks up at her in shock, points her little chubby finger up at her and screams "VAMPIRE!!!"...Jamie, Julia and I just look at each other and crack up laughing...the look on her face...it was priceless! LOL! At that moment, the men arrive...they had to run all the way from the putting green...they take one look at the situation and crack up too. How the ladies glared! Red talon lady demands to know who did it. The men all look around innocently and they all start to sort of step back to reveal this guy, who's around my age standing there...then this other lady (presumably his mother) shouts "IGNATIUS!" OMG! My tummy almost burst right there! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT!!!! LMAO!!!!

That could have been one of the funniest moments of my life...even though I had to take a three-hour shower to get rid of the smell. Guess what...my clothes are absolutely completely RUINED so I NEVER have to wear them again! Thank God!

Wow, this has been a pretty long letter. Now my hand hurts.

Sincerely yours,

Jess

P.S I still can’t get over that name! IGNATIUS!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!

P.P.S. I SAID JESS, NOT JESSIE. ONLY MY BEST FRIENDS CALL ME JESSIE!!

Kush says: Dude, did you see the girl with the wicked green hair?

Jake says: the coach’s daughter?

Kush says: Yeah, I think the coach called her Paris

Jake says: Paris, huh?

Kush says: Yeah, don’t you think she’s hot?

Jake says: Actually, I never really noticed her.

Kush says: so she goes all the time?

Jake says: Yeah, a couple of key games a month

Jake says: why do you care anyway? I thought you were going out with Monique.

Kush says: the less said about her the better.

Jake says: What happened??

Kush says: Hey, I got some cool shots of you at the game today. I’ll send them to you, hold on a sec

Jake says: Are you gonna tell me about Monique??

Jake says: You still there??

Jake says: HELLO??

Kush says: So when’s your next game?

Jake says: Wait, get back to the topic: MONIQUE, your girlfriend, or is she your ex-girlfriend now?

Kush says: hey, about the streamers. We should have every colour. It should be multicoloured because its multicultural day. We should not discriminate against colours.

Jake says: Where was all this info yesterday?

Dear Pen Pal,

I haven’t heard from you yet. Perhaps your letters have been delayed or my letters haven’t reached you yet.

It’s recess right now and I’m in the library. I was just looking for some books for some light reading. I have to go outside now and eat my recess or my dad will kill me. Ugh, Tiny Teddies again. Bye.

Serenity

P.S. Hope to hear from you soon.

J. Serenity, what do you have for lunch?

S. I don’t get why you don’t like your celery sticks. My dad packed a Nutella sandwich AGAIN.

J. I have Greek salad today, you wanna swap?

S. Madame Paradis is holding an extension French class at lunch today…I’ll meet you at your locker at the beginning of lunch. Don’t be late.

J. Deal. Is that the lady who yelled at me for calling her Paradise? “Para-DEEE!!! Not Paradise!!”

S. LOL

This is the last time you’ll ever hear from me.

YOU STOLE PAPERCLIPS?!?! Sure, now, it’s only a paperclip. But before you know it, you’ll be stealing staplers, then paper, then calculators, then printers and entire computers and soon you’ll progress into the stage of BANK ROBBING.

You’re lucky I’m not reporting you to the POLICE.

ALSO,

HUMANS HAVE EIGHT FINGERS AND TWO THUMBS!!

What kind of a FREAK are you?

And Kush is a funny name. Is that his REAL name? What a stupid name to name your kid.

About the maroon streamers, I wasn’t particularly interested in the streamers. We left after about ten minutes, before it got too boring.

And how dare you suggest I find a psychiatrist? I am perfectly normal and sane, thank you. Besides, if I ever need a psychiatrist, I don’t need YOUR help finding one.

Kate.