Cinderugly

Cindy had a bad life, and now she was even sadder. Her stepsister and stepmom were always making her clean up messes; but she didn’t realize that these messes were the ones she made herself. They were both beautiful, healthy, kind, and smart Democrats. Everyone loved them. Cindy was pretty sure that her stepsister, Gwen, had been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. She couldn’t care less though, because Cindy was jealous. Green-in-the-face jealous.

But you see, our Cindy reads a lot of fairy tales. Especially versions of ‘Cinderella’. Cindy had herself convinced that she was the beautiful (not), healthy (what about her alcoholism?), kind (and what about that puppy?), and smart (like Bush) Democrat. She loved to imagine herself as Cinderella, and thatGwen was the wicked stepsister.

Her stepmother was actually Angelina Jolie, but we’ll get to that later.

After Cindy had decided that she was the good one in the family, she became really mean. She deleted Gwen’s Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech from the computer, whichGwen just recited by memory when she won the Prize anyway, and she stole her stepmom’s credit card and maxed it out on acne cream. Which didn’t work, by the way. Cindy regretted buying it when she discovered that the cream only made her zits more indestructible. I swear, a bomb couldn’t get those things off her face.

Anyway, after Angie (we’ll call her that for now) discovered that her credit card was getting declined when she bought food for the homeless on the street, she started working way harder at her job as a non-lying lawyer. Yes, yes, we all realize that she’s perfect. Move along to the next paragraph now.

Angie already worked extremely hard, and after she began working even harder to pay off the debts on her credit card bill, everyone at the firm decided that they loved her so much, they were going to make her CEO. Angie, Gwen, and Cindy became filthy rich. Whoopee.

Cindy finally realized that her plan wasn’t working after Angie’s paycheck needed two trucks to bring home and Gwen was given an Academy Award for her Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech. So, instead, she started insulting them for their flawless fashion sense, their boyfriends (Angie was dating Russell Crow, Gwen had Daniel Radcliffe) and how self-absorbed they were (studies showed that Angie and Gwen had spent about half of their lived doing community service). They usually just ignored her, but sometimes when imperfection is mixed with perfection, the perfection gets a bit insulted.

So, Cindy had been mean to them for about six months now, and Gwen was getting pissed. Getting pissed beautifully, of course. So, one day, when she got a party invitation to the coolest party in the city, she couldn’t help but wave it in Cindy’s face.

After Gwen and Angie had left for the party (of course Angie went too), Cindy sat down and cried. She had always wanted to go that party, and go to all the clubs afterward, but she couldn’t. She even knew that her crush, William Moseley, was going to be there!

Anyway, back to the crying. As she sat and sobbed her squinty, piggy little eyes out, a small black fuzzy thing flew in front of her face.

“Hello, dear, I’m your fairy godmother. I can get you to the party.” The fuzzy thing said.

“AAAH! A talking fly!” Cindy squished her fairy godmother.

Right before the fuzzy thing disappeared, it cackled, “I’ll get you for this!” and vanished. Right under where it had been squished to the floor, a small note read: ‘MC Fay-Ree has left the building, yo.’

Cindy just ignored the note and had an idea instead. “I know! I’ll crash the party!” She jumped for joy, but banged her head on the ceiling. “Owww…” Her hopes were crushed when she remembered that the party only let girls in if they were wearing a dress, and boys with a tuxedo (they had party clothes under that, for the clubs). Her only dress, which was a granny-dress with ruffles, blue and orange lace, and a high collar, was at the dry-cleaners. Why they didn’t just buy a washing machine with their new money is beyond me, but I think Angie gave it all away to charity.

She was crying again (does that girl ever shut up?) when she got another awesome (sarcasm) idea. She could decorate her shower curtain and wear it instead! (None of Angie’s and Gwen’s dresses fit her, because she was too tall, too short, too fat, AND too skinny to wear them. As well as being too ugly.) She decorated her shower curtain with gold sequins and purple leather, and she did her cowboy boots in gold leather, purple sequins, and rubber duckies to match the curtain.

‘I’m all set,’ she thought, looking in the mirror. She quickly started walking to the party house. (She knew where it was, because she stalked everyone who went, and she walked, because she used up all of her money on drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol.) But she still wasn’t sure exactly which house it was. (She wasn’t a very good stalker.) She continued walking the 25 blocks to the party house. On the second block, she stepped in dog doo. While trying to get it off, she fell in more dog doo, this time on her face. ‘Oh well,’ she thought, ‘if William loves me as much as I love him, it won’t matter.’

When she got to the party, she snuck in and looked for William. She saw him, making out with Gwen. Now, because Cindy has no love life, she wasn’t quite sure what they were doing, but she assumed that they were just talking.

“Hey, Will, do you want to dance?” she asked.

“No! Back off, Cinderugly!” he replied.

All of the partiers started laughing at her at the word ‘Cinderugly’. She stumbled back, crying, and ran out the door. As she sat on a fire hydrant, she heard a popping noise, and a flat small fuzzy thing appeared in front of her.

“How was your night, Cinderugly?” the squished fairy godmother asked.

“You caused this!” Cinderugly yelled.

“Duuuhhhhhh…”

“But… but… but…”

“Oh, shut up. Anyway, I’ve decided to become a rapper… I hear Usher is looking for a rapper girlfriend… Representin’!” With that, she vanished.

So, after all that, Angie married Brad Pitt and adopted a child from every country, who she took care of perfectly without a nanny, and without mussing up her hair. Gwen married Orlando Bloom. The fairy godmother, now MC Fay-Ree, got together with Usher and they had lots of little children with special rapping powers who got adopted by Angie when she decided that she wanted a child born from a rapper and a supernatural being.

Cindy became a custodian.

The end.

Moral: Never squish your fairy godmother.

Toodles!

-KIMH