Right, this time I’ll write a proper Cinderella parody. The Steps will be meanie-poos, Cinderella will look like a Barbie that just got lipo, and there’ll be a happy ending. Okay, I think I was high when I wrote the happy ending part.

Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity sighed as she gazed out of the only window that was inside of her closet/bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/living quarters. Her room was cramped, dirty, and smelly, but, OF COURSE, she always smelled nice. A bit like clementines, really. No, not clementines, tangerines. She smelled like citrus, okay?!?!

Why was she staring into a window? Because we need to describe her. Even though the window was tiny, and was covered in what looked like a mixture of dog poo and Mary-Kate Olsen’s puke, you could see Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity’s reflection perfectly. She would have had gorgeous, long, flowing, blond hair. But her Steps were Evil and they tore all of it out, so she looked like a hairless cat. Meow.

She had huge, crystalline, beautiful, reflective, striking blue eyes. Only, they were both all puffy and swollen because she had two black eyes from her Steps. Her lips had the ability to be pink and plump, but they were pale and chapped, from, guess who? Her pixie nose was broken. Her sparkly teeth were chipped and her gums were bleeding, her balloon boobs were, um, abused, her practically invisible waist was covered in bruises, and her legs were scarred and scratched and torn up.

Of course, she was still hot. But the Steps didn’t tell her that.

“Cinderellagwendolynbrittanytiffanyheatherchristinamandyhilaryangelinanaomikatrinaserendipity! Come here and serve us our filet mignon and champagne so we can get drunk and mortally injure you and then force you to eat toxic waste!” Her Steps had just gotten home from their work as taxidermists.

“Coming!”

They called her Cinderellagwendolynbrittanytiffanyheatherchristinamandyhilaryangelinanaomikatrinaserendipity because she was always covered in ashes from their marijuana pipes.

She walked downstairs and her Evil Stepmother, Carol, sprayed her with a can of Mace. Carol was Evil because she had only one name, Carol, and it was a perfectly normal name, and she didn’t have 12 over-the-top names like Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity. Why does our heroine have so many names? Her dad was a lech, and he couldn’t decide which celebrity made him hornier. That’s why. He is dead, of course, because he was a Republican and we all know what happens to Republicans.

Carol and her daughters were Republicans too, but I’m keeping them alive because they add to the whole ‘Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity-is-abused’ theme.

So, Carol had just sprayed Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity with Mace. It really hurt, but she dealt with it and she could still serve them their dinner, for some reason.

Her Evil Stepsisters were both anorexic and bulimic. Yes that is possible! Are you questioning me? Huh? Are you, punk? You wanna take this outside?

Anywho… Her Stepsisters’ names were Irma and Farondanini. They were Evil for the same reason that Carol was Evil. Irma slapped Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity as she barely poked at her blanched asparagus. Farondanini kicked her as she puked out the two Cheerios she had eaten for breakfast.

Now Carol had A Very Special Announcement to make. The Very Special Announcement was this:

“There is a ball for Prince Carlito Pablo Sean Juanito William Raoul Channing Orlando Johnny Brad’s birthday! He’s turning (insert some age between 16 and 30) and he wants every girl in the land/country/kingdom to come so he can pick who he’s gonna marry!”

“Every girl in the land/country/kingdom? He’s such a pimp!” said Irma.

“I wish I had his pimping skills! But you know us crickets can never get laid!” Everyone turned to look at a cricket wearing a top hat and spats.

“Um, you’re in the wrong parody…” Farondanini stated.

“Oh, sorry! When you wish upon a star…” the cricket hopped off into the distance, singing Disney songs. Maybe at least he’ll live happily ever after… Nah. Probably not.

“But, of course, you, Cinderellagwendolynbrittanytiffanyheatherchristinamandyhilaryangelinanaomikatrinaserendipity, won’t be able to go. Because you have to do something menial and cruel and unusual. You shall do the taxes!”

“Nooo….” Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity cried, sinking to the floor on her shapely knees.

“Oh, get up. It’s not as if Prince Carlito Pablo Sean Juanito William Raoul Channing Orlando Johnny Brad would like you anyway.” Farondanini snapped as she flipped her prematurely white hair over her shoulder.

“When is the ball, mommy/ma/mom/mother/madre/mama?” Irma asked the Evil Stepmother.

“It’s tonight!”

“What? Tonight? Need… Botox… And… Hooker… Boots…” Both Irma and Farondanini shrieked.

Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity just sighed and went to fetch them their ‘ball clothes’. While they whipped her. Hard.

Later that evening, after the Evil Steps had drove off to the Palace Of Awesomeness And Mad Pimping Skillz, Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity sat down and cried. She had finished the taxes in record time, and now all she had left to do was to mope prettily and say, occasionally, “I wanna go to the ball!!!”

“Did I hear you say that you wanted to go to the ball, dear?” A short woman wearing a billowy cape who had butterfly wings appeared out of nowhere. When she landed on the floor, her dress flew up revealing fishnet tights and a tight leather miniskirt. She quickly pulled her dress back down.

“It pays the bills…” She muttered shiftily when Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity looked at her strangely.

“I should probably introduce myself,” she said. “I’m your Fairy Godmother!. I can give you anything you desire.”

“Okay…” Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity paused for dramatic effect.

“I wish that I had a gorgeous dress so that I could go to the ball and see the prince’s mad pimping skillz for myself.”

“Your wish is my command.” Said her Fairy Godmother! as she bowed low and waved her wand. The wand was wooden. Get that other image out of your heads!

Suddenly, Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity was wearing a gorgeous Donna Karen dress. It was pink. With ruffles. And sparkles. And sequins. It was cut just below the butt, and it was extremely slu-

Now, now, we don’t use that word when telling fairy tales.

“Oh, you are the best Fairy Godmother! that there ever was. I love you! But not in a lesbian way or anything. I’m afraid of commitment.”

“Oh, that’s alright dear; I suppose I could always go back to Michael Jackson.” With a pop, the Fairy Godmother! vanished.

Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity ran to look at herself in the mirror. She was clean and, for the first time, she realized that she was hot!

She set off to the palace, amazed at her newfound babeness. What? Stop asking me how she got to the palace! I don’t know!

Fine, she drank Red Bull. And then she flew to the palace on her new wings. Happy now?

When she got to the palace, and walked into the ballroom, Prince Carlito Pablo Sean Juanito William Raoul Channing Orlando Johnny Brad looked up from his very busy activities of grabbing princess ass and taking bong hits. At the same time. Call him Superman.

“Whoa, dudes, check out the rack on that foxy mama…” He gestured to her, but he didn’t actually use his fingers. They were far too full for pointing.

“A perfect ten…” His best friend, Duke Justin Jonathan Jeremy John Jeremiah Jebediah Judah Jacob nodded in agreement.

Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity looked over at Prince Carlito Pablo Sean Juanito William Raoul Channing Orlando Johnny Brad. He was sooo hot… She started walking over to him. He walked up to meet her.

After about an hour of flirting, he told her that she had the best chance out of all of the other girls to become his wife.

“Really? Where do you see us going, even though technically you already answered that?” Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity asked him.

“My room…”

“Um… I prefer to wait until after marriage to get to the carnal stuff…” Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity backed away slowly.

“Oh, we won’t do anything. I promise.” He grinned at her, and he just looked like the picture of innocence, with his right hand full of ecstasy tablets and his left filled with, well, Farondanini.

“’Kay.”

And so, the two lovebirds frolicked through a series of poses fresh from Kama Sutra, and then at the ripe old age of 22, both Ella Gwendolyn Brittany Tiffany Heather Christina Mandy Hilary Angelina Naomi Katrina Serendipity and Prince Carlito Pablo Sean Juanito William Raoul Channing Orlando Johnny Brad died of AIDS.

The End.

It was happy for me, ok?!?!