The failure of Fire and Float Coats angers and baffles citizens all over America

The New Year certainly started with a big bang last night, as thousands of Americans ignited their Fire and Float Coats.

Originally designed by the pop singer Brittany Spearhead, Fire and Float Coats were an exciting new way to welcome the year 2025. “I wanted something unique to get everyone’s New Year going,” she said.

Fire and Float Coats were sold all over the United States. Renowned scientist Dr. Smar T. Pants devised a way of putting fireworks into the clothing. The owner of the coat would simply pull a string to set off the fireworks. They would then propel the wearer into the air with an explosion the same color as the jacket. The jacket came equipped with a built-in parachute and, to prevent messy burns and dangerous skin discolorations, state-of-the-art sprinklers.

To make sure the maximum number of people got to enjoy her new product, Spearhead sold the Fire and Float Coats at the minimum price possible of fifty dollars, and donated many to those who still could not afford them.

Therefore, at least one million people throughout the fifty states anxiously awaited the year 2025. When the clock struck midnight, parachutes of varying colors dotted the sky and bright sparks showered the earth. As expected, once the Fire and Float Coat users drifted to the ground, they were consumed with fits of uncontrollable laughter. However, the laugher did not stop even after the coats were removed and they discovered that their arms had turned neon green.

The sprinkler that Dr. Pants claimed to have taken a month to design failed to go off and deactivate the squeezium fireide chemical used to compact the fireworks into the jacket. Squeezium fireide, when it comes in contact with bare skin, causes an intense tickling sensation and electric green skin. Surprisingly, nobody was burned.

Dr. Pants was not available to explain his thoughts on the sprinkler failure, though Spearhead states the obvious in saying, “He didn’t do it on purpose.”

Owners of the Fire and Float Coats were rushed to the hospital, where they sued Spearhead immediately after their laughter was under control. One person boldly charged her with attempted murder.

When Spearhead heard of the charge, she merely responded with a snort of laughter. “At least my skin’s not green,” she ridiculed.