Hush Little Baby

By Diana C. Caporaso

I first became a mom at the age of sixteen when I was still very much a virgin. I had barely even kissed a boy.

I was living in an apartment with just my mother who drank too much but spent all her time denying it. Only a year before we had had a real family with two parents and two kids, but not all families last forever.

The night I became a mommy was my first birthday without my father and sister. Mom had forgotten what day it was. The apartment was hot and sticky because the air conditioner was broken and I was watching a Family Ties rerun on TV. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table either moaning to herself or talking in her sleep; I wasn’t going to bother checking which. I noticed there was a new stain on the carpet but if Mom didn’t care, neither did I.

Suddenly there was this crazy knocking on the door that scared me so much I jumped off the couch and shrieked a little. Mom didn’t move; apparently she was passed out after all.

I went over to the door and peered through the peephole, which magnified the person on the other side into a circular shape. I thought the peephole must be broken, because my sister Gwen was standing there holding a baby.

I swung the door open as quick as I could. “Hey, Gwen, what-”

“It’s about time you opened the door, this kid’s hard to hold with one hand, I was just about to drop him.” Gwen barged inside, holding the baby with both hands. A stuffed duffel bag hung from the crook of her left elbow. Mom still didn’t wake up. “Jesus, it’s hot as balls in here!” Gwen stated, plopping down onto the couch as if she was just coming home after a long day of work instead of the first time in a year.

I had no idea what to say, so I just kind of stood there and waited for her to explain herself.

Instead she had some questions for me. “Well, how ya doing, Gracie? Looks like you’ve grown up a bit. You lost that baby fat finally.”

“I’m fine,” I said, thoughtlessly coming up with the most generic answer possible.

Gwen looked around and spotted Mom at the table. “That’s an odd place to pass out,” she observed. “Where’s Daddy?”

I didn’t say anything. It had never occurred to me that Gwen didn’t know and I wasn’t sure how to be the one to tell her.

Luckily before I could, the baby in her arms started crying. “Jesus!” Gwen griped. “This kid always wants to be fucking fed! It’s a wonder he doesn’t weigh two thousand pounds.” Right in front of me, she pulled up her tank top and stuck her left nipple into the baby’s mouth.

“Wow, um, Gwen… you have a baby?” I said, finally able to form a sentence.

“No, I’m just nursing him for my health,” she said sarcastically. “Why do you think I ran away with Heath last year? If I had stayed around here and Dad found out, he would have killed me. I’m not afraid of him anymore, though… not after what I’ve been through this past year. Where is he, anyway?”

I sat down on the couch next to her and stared at the stain on the carpet. I didn’t want to say it, but she had asked twice already. “Last fall, Dad went to the doctor for a cough that wouldn’t go away. Gwen, they told him he had lung cancer in its late stages and he had six months to live. Turned out it was only four.”

“Jesus,” Gwen breathed, looking down at the few blond curls of the baby boy in her arms. “I can’t fucking believe it.”

We sat in silence for a few moments and I watched the baby as he finished sucking and his eyes closed as his chin fell towards his chest. “Good, he’s asleep,” Gwen said, leaning back against the couch. “Let’s hope he stays that way.”

“Where’s Heath?” I asked.

“God only knows,” Gwen responded. Suddenly a song started playing from the pocket of her shorts. “Hold him a second, Gracie? I gotta get this.” And with that, she lay the sleeping child into my arms. I was surprised how comfortable and warm he felt.

Gwen sat up and answered the phone. “Hello? Hey, Frank! Yeah, I’ll meet you in like five minutes, alright? Okay. Yeah, I can’t wait either. See you soon! Mwah!”

That’s when things started going kind of fast. In a flash, Gwen was up and her duffel bag was in her hand. “Okay, Gracie? I need you to watch the kid for like half an hour, okay? You’re good at babysitting, it’s not big deal. I’ll be right back.” With that, she rushed out the door before I could protest much.

Then the apartment was silent again except for the sound of my mom talking to herself in her sleep, the hum of the Family Ties rerun on TV, and the gentle snoring of the baby situated in my arms. It seemed a lot quieter without Gwen there. After three mindless sitcoms in a row it sunk in that if she had really planned on coming back in half an hour, she wouldn’t have brought her duffel bag with her. And then I realized that I didn’t even know the baby’s name.

I didn’t do a lot of sleeping that night, which was okay because Mom did enough sleeping for the both of us. I just held the baby in my arms because we didn’t even have a crib for him to sleep in.

After awhile he woke up and stared at me with his gigantic blue eyes. The staring contest lasted for a full twenty seconds before he started crying. I look a lot like Gwen, but apparently this baby wouldn’t be fooled. Mom still didn’t wake up.

I rocked him back and forth in my arms and sang every lullaby I could think of. After wishing I knew the baby’s name for the millionth time, I started testing out some.

“Mikey… Matthew… Brandon… Heath Jr…” None of them sounded right, and the baby’s round face scrunched up even more as he cried.

Suddenly I thought of the new kid at school. My homeroom teacher had introduced him to the class as just Nathan and he had really blue eyes also. I could tell all the way back from my seat in the third row, where I’d stopped doodling in my notebook long enough for the introduction.

“Nathan,” I whispered too myself, and that’s when the baby in my arms stopped crying. He stared up at me again quizzically. The whites of his eyes were completely red and the contrast against the blue was breathtaking.

“Nathan,” I repeated. “Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.” I hugged him against my chest as if I was afraid to let go.

xxx

I skipped school the next day because I couldn’t leave little Nathan alone. Mom was there but she was still passed out and the one time she got up to go to the bathroom she didn’t even notice I was sitting watching cartoons with a real live baby in my lap.

She was so mad though when she woke up for real. I told her what happened and she freaked. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” she demanded. “She’s been gone for a whole year!”

“She left so quickly…” I tried to explain, trying to figure out how I would feed this kid considering my lack of breast milk and baby bottles.

Mom continued complaining as she put on her waitress uniform and did her hair in between sips of rum, which she substitutes for coffee. “Well, I’ve got a double shift today at Applebee’s, so you’re just going to have to deal with that baby yourself like you dealt with Gwen yourself.” She refused to say anything else but made a point to slam cabinets and doors extra loudly, especially on her way out.

Once she was gone Nathan started crying again. “You’re hungry, aren’t you?” I asked. I was too. I doubted he was old enough to eat the stale cereal we had on the counter.

The smell that was emitting from his diaper told me he needed a change also. A list of all the things I needed to buy started forming in my head. And it definitely didn’t look like I was getting thrown a baby shower any time soon.

Most sixteen-year-olds don’t have much money. Mom definitely didn’t give me any allowance. But right before my dad died, he gave me an envelope stuffed full of cash and told me, “Don’t tell your mom… if she finds it, she’ll spend it on you-know-what.” My father always knew exactly how my mother needed to be handled. “Promise me you’ll spend it on something special,” he said. “Promise me?”

At the time I didn’t want the stupid money. Him giving it to me was just another sign that he was really dying, a fact that he had accepted but I hadn’t. But to make him happy I swallowed hard and said, “I promise.”

Now I looked into Nathan’s eyes and thought about the tattered envelope I kept hidden underneath my mattress. I had been contemplating saving the money for college or for travel or for a car.

I half-smiled at Nathan and said in a soothing voice, “C’mon, Nathan. We’re going shopping.”

xxx

Later that afternoon I was feeding Nathan while listening to the weather report on the radio. The woman was predicting sunny skies, but I gazed out the window and whispered to Nathan, “Looks like rain…”

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Mom wasn’t due home for hours and she wouldn’t knock anyway. I held the baby with one hand and opened the door with the other.

Nathan, the new kid in my class, was standing there holding some papers. I was too shocked to speak, but then he started talking really fast. “You’re Gracie Garrett, right? I told Ms. Rafferty that I could bring the homework to you… I just moved in down the hall last weekend… I saw you on the stairs when I was moving in and I tried to say hi but I guess you didn’t hear me.”

I tried to find my voice. “Um, thanks. And you’re… Nathan?” As if I didn’t already know.

“Yup. Everyone calls me Nate though.”

“Like Nate the Great?” I said without thinking. As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wished I could take them back.

“Who?” Nate asked, looking confused.

“Nothing. Just a book series I used to read when I was younger.”

Nate smiled. “Hmm. Nate the Great, huh? I like the sound of that.”

Baby Nathan was getting heavy in my arms. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I kind of smiled stupidly. Nate spoke again. “Here, I’ll just put the homework down here since you seem to have your hands full,” he stated, coming into my apartment and setting the worksheets down on the end table. Then he turned around and smiled at baby Nathan. “Cute kid,” he commented. “I have a baby brother too. But he’s back on Long Island living with my Mom. I came here with my dad…” Nate suddenly paused and looked embarrassed, apparently feeling like he had disclosed too much information. “What’s his name?”

“Oh, um,” I blushed. “His name is actually Nathan too.”

“Wow, really?” Nate grinned, taking the baby’s hand in his and shaking it. “Well nice to meet you, little guy, you were named well.” He looked up at me, our faces suddenly close together. “Nice meeting you, too.”

“Yup. Thanks for the homework.” I had absolutely no desire to actually do the science homework, but it was a nice thought.

“You can borrow my textbook if you need it. I’m in apartment 27B.”

I nodded and said goodbye and he did too and I closed the door behind him. Once he was gone, I smiled and hugged my nephew close to me. “Wow,” I breathed. His eyes were closed and just for a moment, it felt like our breathing was completely in sync.

xxx

Nathan seemed content for maybe a half an hour. That’s when the crying marathon started. He had the best set of lungs of anybody I had ever heard in my entire life.

After trying all the usuals- bottle, diaper change, rocking- I was left not having a clue what to do. So I just started singing. “Rockabye baby, on the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock-”

I stopped as Nathan screamed and thought about what I had just sung. It occurred to me for the first time in my life that Rockabye Baby is the most disturbing song in the world. What kind of baby wants to think of falling out of a tree when it’s trying to fall asleep?

I started over. “Lullaby, and goodnight, Mr. Sandman is calling...”

I paused again. Mr. Sandman? Just the idea of it gave me chills. What was with all these demented baby songs? No wonder the baby couldn’t stop crying, he was traumatized.

Taking a deep breath, I tried one more time. “Hush, little baby, don’t say a word, mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird...”

I kept singing, having finally found a decent song about a good mother. And slowly, Nathan’s cries died down. But...

The unfairness of it all suddenly hit me. I wasn’t this kid’s real mother. I wasn’t a teenage mother, I had never even had sex. Yet suddenly I’m spending all my money and devoting all my time to a young child? Why should I have to deal with this, suffer the consequences? I never even had sex!

Nathan was sleeping, but he smelled like he needed two new diapers. And I couldn’t figure out how to change him without waking him up again, so pretty soon I was losing some more hearing.

xxx

The next day was Saturday, so I didn’t have to miss school again. The exhaustion was already starting to hit. Usually when I baby sit, I’m more than happy to give the kid back at the end of the night.

I tried taking the Nathan to the park, where he played in the sand and got so dirty it took me half an hour to bathe him. I tried reading to him, but he just didn’t seem interested. I tried shaking a rattle in his face, but he just ignored that too. My only major discovery was that he seemed to share my love of horrible sitcoms.

And so we passed through Sunday in a daze of Full House, Family Matters, and Saved by the Bell. The laugh tracks seemed to soothe him. Sometimes he giggled, and it was the cutest sound in the world.

On Monday I missed school again. Mom still wasn’t talking to me, and I was afraid to ask her for advice. I promised myself I’d figure out the school situation soon.

The greatest part about missing school, though, was that Nate was by after school again with the homework. But as soon as the doorbell rang, baby Nathan started screaming.

“Woah,” Nate commented, watching as Nathan’s face turned so red it was almost purple. “Is he alright, or what?”

“He’s fine,” I assured him and myself. “He just gets like this sometimes.” And I started singing, “Hush, little baby, don’t say a word...”

Unfortunately, the song which had worked so many times before was starting to lose its charm. Nate looked really uncomfortable, but suddenly his eyes lit up. “Wait here, I’ve got an idea.” And he ran from my apartment without another word.

Two minutes later, he was back, this time carrying a violin case. He set it on the floor and opened it, pulling out the most beautiful violin I had ever seen in my life. Placing the violin on his shoulder, he began an amazing rendition of the same song I had been singing moments before.

Nathan calmed and stared at Nate’s violin, completely entranced. I won’t lie, I was entranced too. It seemed unbelievable that such breathtaking music was being performed by such a normal-looking guy.

When Nate had finished the final notes of his masterpiece, he lowered his bow and instrument and looked at us. And his face blushed red.

“Wow, Nate, that was, wow, amazing.”

“Well, he stopped crying,” Nate shrugged, still a little embarrassed.

“How does it feel?” I asked.

“How does what feel?”

“To be really good at something?”

Nate shrugged again. “Well, you know. You’re really good at being a big sister.”

I stopped smiling. He didn’t even know the half of it...

“Hey, you don’t look sick,” Nate changed the subject. “Are you playing hooky or something?”

“Um,” I said. Then I did something that really killed me to do. “Yeah, I’m really sick actually. You probably shouldn’t come near me. I don’t want to contaminate you.” The last thing in the world I wanted was for him to leave, but he was getting way too close to the situation. And what would happen if someone figured out what was going on here? Would Nathan be taken away somewhere? No, I couldn’t let Nate get too close.

But Nate, however, seemed unfazed. “It’s cool, I’ve got a really good immune system,” he told me, shrugging. He looked past me to the TV, where Zack was telling Screech his newest scheme to win Kelly from Slater. “Oh, I’ve seen this one! It’s a classic.” And before I knew what was happening, Nate was settling himself down on the couch to watch.

So what else could I do but sit down next to him, baby Nathan still nice and calm in my arms? “This show is good, but I like Full House better, that’s on next.”

“They’re all pretty much the same, but I like them all.”

“Me too. There’s something nice about seeing problems solved in just 22 minutes.”

“Not unless it’s a “to be continued” episode,” Nate commented.

“They shouldn’t have “to be continued” episodes for sitcoms. It defeats the entire purpose.”

Nate laughed. “You mean there’s an actual purpose to these shows?”

“Of course there is. Complete and total escapism.”

And we passed the rest of the afternoon like that, Nate and Nathan and me on the couch, as if we’d already been together forever.

xxx

“Hello, this is Mrs. Cooper from the attendance office at Bradley High School-”

It was Tuesday afternoon and I had just gotten back from buying more diapers. (Who knew Nathan could go through an entire bag in four days?) And there was the message on the answering machine, a big red 1 flashing at me evilly. How long could I keep this up? My finger punched the erase button before Mrs. Cooper could reveal all my wrong-doings.

Nathan was sniffling in my arms. He was fidgeting more than usual, it seemed like. I tried to rock him back and forth to prevent any crying sessions.

I heard a knock on the door and knew it had to be Nate. His visits were starting to be like clockwork. It felt nice to have maybe one stable thing in the world.

I opened the door and there he was, my homework in one hand, his violin case in the other. “Just in case,” he explained. “And here’s your homework even though you don’t seem to be doing any of the homework I’ve been bringing you.”

“I’ll do it all before I go back to school.”

“And when’s that going to be? Tomorrow?” he asked hopefully.

“Um.” About now it was looking like never. I never pictured myself being a high school drop out, but the little life in my arms told me that maybe there actually were things more important than a diploma.

“Ms. Rafferty has been asking me about you,” Nate told me, putting down the violin case and crossing his arms.

“And what did you tell her?” How much could I really trust this kid anyway?

“Said that you have the chicken pox. First thing that came to my mind. She said that if you did, you should at least have your mom call or write a note. I guess that would be a problem for you though, since your mom never seems to be around and has left you as the permanent babysitter.”

He was stating all of this, but really it felt like he was asking a lot of questions, looking for explanations. I tried to change the subject, and that’s when Nathan started crying.

Nate sighed and pulled out his violin while I rocked the baby back and forth. The music seemed to sooth Nathan a bit, but he still looked upset. His eyes looked so sad.

“Does he feel warm to you?” I asked Nate, who pressed a palm against Nathan’s forehead.

“A little. But I’m not a doctor.”

“Oh no, oh no, he can’t be getting sick, he just can’t.”

“Maybe he’s catching whatever you’ve got.”

“But I don’t have anything-”

I stopped. Real smooth. I shook my head and hugged Nathan to my chest and closed my eyes as if I could hide from it all.

Nate looked down, away from me. And then he said, softly, “Nathan’s not really your brother, is he?”

I looked away, too. It’s apparently possible to have a conversation with someone while pretending they’re not there. “No. He isn’t.”

“So you are a teenage mother?”

“No!” I exclaimed. How could he even think that about me? But knowing how much I cared about the baby in my arms, I understood how he could. “No, I’m definitely not his mother.”

“Then what?”

“It’s complicated…” And there I was telling him everything, I don’t know why, just talking and talking and talking, still not looking, still just standing there by the door. How I hadn’t even known that I was an aunt and I didn’t know the baby’s real name and how I wasn’t sure which brand of diapers to buy at first or what size and how Nathan only had four different outfits that I just kept washing and mix-and-matching. And Nate listened, didn’t interrupt at all, and waited a good moment to speak after I had finished.

“Wow. This is too much for me. But really, this is too much for you.”

“I’m handling it so far.”

“One question.” Nate paused and said awkwardly, “Did you name him after me?”

Our eyes met again. I couldn’t even say anything, but my face was probably redder than Nathan’s gets when he’s having a tantrum. I swallowed and spitted out, “Maybe.”

“And why would you do that?”

I shrugged. “Why do you think?”

“I’m guessing probably the same reason I volunteered so quickly to bring you the homework that first day you were absent.”

And him saying that was more surreal to me than the baby in my arms. Because, like I said before, I was sixteen and still very much a virgin. I had barely even kissed a boy.

“Listen,” Nate continued, “You can’t keep doing this.”

“Yes, I can. Nathan’s more important than school, he’s more important than anything.”

“You’re just going to give up your entire life for a baby that’s not even your responsibility?”

“I didn’t have much of a life anyway, you know,” I told him. Which was true. It seemed like it had all just been mindless sitcoms until two guys named Nathan entered my life.

“But what if he really does get sick, for real? How could you bring him to the doctor and explain everything? They might take him away from you, and then what?”

I swallowed. “I don’t know.”

“Neither do I, but at least talk to your mom about it. She’s an adult. Maybe she’ll know.”

“My mom? Ha. Sometimes I think I’m more of an adult than she is. She was practically my father’s child.”

“And what happened to him?”

“Lung cancer. He never even smoked a day in his life. And ever since he died it’s like Mom’s not really here either.”

Nathan was silent for a moment, considering. “I still think you should talk to her. I mean, it’s not like she can take Nathan away from you.”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“I know it’s not the same, but my parents just divorced and it kind of feels like someone died and I’m not sure who. And if your Dad never left your Mom- well, maybe she’s somehow redeemable in some way.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll talk to her. When she gets back from Applebee’s or the bar or wherever she is. Might be awhile, though.”

“Sounds like a plan. But for now, how about some sitcoms?”

xxx

Mom stumbled in after midnight, waking up Nathan in the process.

“My head is killing me,” she mumbled, covering her eyes. “Can you shut that baby up?”

“Mom,” I said, walking up to her while simultaneously rocking Nathan in an attempt to comfort him. “Mom. I’ve been missing a lot of school-”

“Shouldn’t do that. Gwen used to do that, and look what happened to her.” Mom settled down onto a kitchen chair and pulled out her cigarettes.

I glanced down at Nathan’s soft baby blonde hair. Look what happened to Gwen. Look what happened to me.

“Mom, I need some help. Maybe you could-”

“Honey, I’m not gonna do anything right now except smoke this cigarette here and then pass out in my bed.”

“I’ll have to drop out of school then.”

Mom snorted. “Ha. Just another wonderful thing to add the wonderful list of my life.”

“Mom, come on. I know Dad’s gone but your life isn’t over, you still have to-”

“Please don’t bring your father into this, Gracie. I already told you that I have a headache.”

And I’ve had a headache since my sixteenth birthday, I thought. “Fine then, what do you think I should do about Gwen’s baby?”

“I dunno,” she slurred, sinking her head against the kitchen table. “Give him up for adoption. Honestly, I don’t care, I don’t care about anything…”

Something hot swelled up inside me. “Well, I do,” I stated. I cared so much, too much. And I could feel how much the caring hurt and understood why my mother wanted to hide from it all. I wanted to tell her what a real mother was supposed to do. A real mom puts other people before herself. A real mom is capable of raising children alone. A real mom doesn’t give up so easily on herself or her children. But most of all, a real mom cares.

I shook my head and said softly, “Why did Dad even stay with you?”

Mom took a quick drag of her cigarette and looked down at the table. She looked so vulnerable, so alone, so thin. After a good moment she said, “You think I don’t ask myself that question every day of my life?”

xxx

Nate and I were playing with Nathan on the carpet in front of the TV while Uncle Jesse consoled Michelle on a very special episode of Full House. Nathan was on his stomach, working on his crawling skills. Seriously, this kid was growing so fast, and he was on the move.

“Come here, Nathan, come here,” Nate said, trying to tempt the baby over by shaking a rattle. I almost cried at the cuteness of it all.

Suddenly there was crazy knocking on the door that startled Nathan. He reached out to me to pick him up, which I did and headed over to open the door.

And standing there, half-distracted looking, was Gwen.

“Heya, Gracie,” she said, letting herself in. “Well, looks like you didn’t kill the kid, good job, thanks so much for watching him.”

My mouth seemed incapable of staying closed. How could she just stand there like that? How could she do any of the things she had done in the past year? “Um, Gwen,” I stated. “What happened?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, heading over to the refrigerator.

I was right on her tail. “I mean, where were you?”

Gwen pulled a Diet Coke out of the fridge and popped it open. “Still not quite following you.” She proceeded to take a long chug of soda as if she had been parched for a week.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Gwen, I’m not eight-years-old anymore. You said you’d be back in half an hour.”

Gwen sighed. She put the Coke can on the counter and said, “Come on, Gracie. You know me. I just needed a little break, is that so much of a crime? I’m sorry it was so much trouble for you, and I’m taking him back now anyway, so you can just-”

“No, you’re not,” I declared, holding Nathan tighter.

“What? Of course I am, don’t be ridiculous. Give him to me.”

“You can’t just take breaks from being a mother, Gwen.”

“Our mother seems to have mastered doing just that,” Gwen reminded me.

“Well, you still can’t take him. He’s mine.” Even as it left my mouth my heart ached at how juvenile it sounded.

Gwen scoffed. “Yours? You didn’t carry him in your womb for nine months, you didn’t give birth to him.”

“Yeah, and I also never abandoned him.”

Nate, meanwhile, was standing now, just watching our exchange, completely speechless. I noticed him open his mouth a couple of times like he was wondering whether he should try to say something or try to help me out. But he couldn’t, really, this was between me and my sister.

Gwen touched her head as if she had had a headache. “Gracie, please, Frank’s waiting for me out in the car, don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“So you’re just gonna leave Nathan here long enough for me to fall in love with him and then rip him away from me?”

Gwen looked confused. “Who’s Nathan?”

Her question hit me like a punch in the face. I didn’t even know his real name, I didn’t know anything about the life he had before Gwen dumped him on me.

“It’s what I’ve been calling him. You never told me his name. You didn’t prepare me for this at all.”

Scrunching up her nose, Gwen said, “Nathan? Like the hot dog? No, his name is Oscar.”

That’s when Nate spoke up. “Oscar? Like Oscar Meyer, the hot dog?”

“No, Oscar like Heath’s grandfather. And anyway, this is ridiculous. Gracie, stop being a baby. What are you gonna do, fight me for him? Bring me to court? I’m his biological mother. There’s no way you would win. Why don’t you just save us all the headaches and give him to me?”

No way I would win. I looked down at Nathan, knowing she was right and hating it. Oops- Oscar. Oscar didn’t seem to suit him at all, not this little guy with his baby blue eyes and puffy cheeks and tiny fingernails that I’d had to trim with a special small nail-clipper. I closed my eyes and thought, It’s Oscar. Nathan doesn’t exist.

“How do I know if I’ll ever see you guys again?” I said, my voice cracking. “What if you don’t come back this time?”

“Well…” Gwen said, picking up her duffle bag, sensing my surrender. “If I ever need a baby-sitter, I’ll know who to call.”

My heart was falling into my stomach. “Promise me you’ll take care of him. I’m not kidding, Gwen. Promise me.”

“I promise. I really do care about him, Gracie. Do you think I would have left him with anyone else?”

And so I placed my nephew into the arms of my sister. Everything felt empty and light.

Gwen held him with one arm and hugged me with the other. “Thanks and sorry, Gracie.” And then, hugging me tighter, she whispered into my ear, “By the way, your boyfriend’s cute.”

She pulled back and smiled. Nathan-Oscar was hugging her in pure bliss, as if he’d suddenly remembered who this woman was. At least he seemed happy to be back with his real mom. He wasn’t even looking at me as Gwen took him out the door and shut it behind her.

Which left me alone in the apartment with Nate. I looked around. The whole place still hand the ghost of Nathan in it: the rattles on the floor, the diaper bag on the counter, a pacifier on the couch. My knees felt weak and I sank down to the floor in shock.

Within seconds Nate was next to me with his arm around my shoulder. “Hey…” he said. “It’s okay. He belongs with his mom. You did a good job of watching him.”

But, no, he didn’t understand. Nathan had felt like my new family… but I already knew that not all families last forever.

“He’s gone…” I breathed, my eyes on the floor. “Nathan’s gone, my dad’s gone… I can’t hold on to anyone, nobody stays.”

Nate pushed my chin up with one finger. “Well, I’m not going anywhere. At least not for a good while.”

I didn’t know how much I could trust him, but for the moment it felt really good not being alone. So I hugged him- and I was surprised how comfortable and warm he felt in my arms.

We sat like that for a little while, his arms around me and my arms around him, and then I realized he was humming. It only took a couple of notes for me to recognize the tune. It was Hush Little Baby.

I pulled back and said softly, “But I’m not a baby anymore.”

Nate sighed and shook his head. “I know, Gracie. I know.”