The Same -- March 12/06

I remember telling myself way back a long time ago that it would be different this time. It had to be. He was a different person. He was a better person. He would never hurt me like I had been hurt before. Unlike the others who had hurt me, he had actually cared. He actually loved me.

I took a much bigger chance (risk, even) this time around. I was older, more mature. I could take care of myself. I could travel to another country to be with him. I didn’t doubt myself, or the situation, for a second. Nope, it was going to work out this time. It was going to be perfect. Except that it didn’t happen.

He was perfect at first. Better than perfect. Maybe even too much so. But I didn’t care. I was so happy with him. I thought he was happy with me, too. I really did. But, of course, there was another girl. There always is. This time it was an ex-girlfriend of his who was obsessed with him and wanted him back. Or so I was told. I believed it, of course, for too long. He told me she was crazy and that he didn’t even like her, and that I shouldn’t worry about it. But I did. Of course.

And from there, I don’t even know what happened. Honestly. Maybe I blew it out of proportion, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. I don’t think I wrongly assumed anything about what was going on. Actually, I know I didn’t.

And so it was the same, again. I put so much into it, again, and ended up with nothing except a broken heart. And memories that hurt to think about, more than anything. I’ve cried all the tears I could cry. I sat in silence for too long. Now I have to go back to real life and figure out what the hell I’m going to do. Because I don’t even have a god damn clue. Why does it always have to be the same? Why can’t it just be better, for once? Maybe someday. Hopefully. If I don’t give up before then.