Figuring you out is something I probably will never have success at. I met with you on occasions, only special enough for us to meet privately. I had many a times to run away with the chance of you accompanying me but I was always afraid of how you might turn out. I was always afraid of the lies you might have told me; afraid of the fact that I really didn’t know you and truly didn’t want to know you. I was frightened because you were the first to become so physical with me and I barely knew your last name yet I saw you practically every day; passing by me in the hall ways, eating across the cafeteria, talking to one of my friends and most of the time.. Smiling with your new girlfriend. I could have been in her place, holding your hand, smiling while you wrapped your arms around my waist, yet you had done that with me before her, and I had been naked. Why was it that I never wanted to open up when you showed me all of who you were? I never did because I knew you would not like who I have been and am. I have always fallen too short of the path to supreme social status, because of the fact I do not make myself known based on loud, indecent dialogue or provocative clothing. What was it you saw in me that made you want to come inside me, literally, was it my body, my face, my eyes, my voice or my smile? Was it the fact that you could feed me any lie and know that I was completely oblivious to your true self? I guess maybe my fears saved me from getting pulled into the madness that only could have preceded any kind of relationship with you because as I attempted to get closer you continued to get braver and I could feel the fact that you knew how to get me to open up and I hated being weak while with you.

I can only hope that one day I will manage to forget about everything that went down between us. The day you forced yourself onto me so cleverly that I cried out and forced you off because I truly had hurt him and you felt it yet still wanted to get over her. She pretended to be all of who you were and ended up playing you better than yourself. I had broken his dreams, all that he had given me fell under you as I laid there telling you I did not want it but you continued to kiss my chest, maybe in hopes that kisses would bring her back to you through me or maybe to make innocence return to us and forgive you for making me lay there and embrace your thrusts and deep forced exhales. I can still hear the fear in your voice when you rolled off of me and said “I’m sorry.” I felt that it did not matter and brushed it off, as I had always done in the past. I could still feel you inside me, pounding away at what only you knew existed and I just wanted you to leave, yet I wanted to spend the time like you had described it to me the weeks before. You holding me like your life depended on it and me kissing your body, sending you secret messages. I wanted you to hold me as my naked back rested against your hard, flat stomach our bodies swaying as one to the music you had played for me over the phone yet it scared me so much when we would go to sleep and I had to remember that I was still with him, and you knew it too yet you wanted to show me how sorry you were from all the times before so I caved and allowed you once again to enter me with only a rubber and not your soul. You saw me as you had always seen me and it excited you in less than two minutes. I wanted so badly to become free but as always I did succeed in pushing you away and hurting all that could have been between you and me ..again.

Maybe one day you will reach for me again, maybe, if there is a next time, my fears will have faded and I will be able to be as you were with me. I can always see you smile. I could always feel you inside of me, reaching for what always had escaped your grasp. I know how empty you are and for two empty people to join can only result in more emptiness. Or maybe you will never again reach for what we had and find someone to give you any kind of pleasure you demand because they are just as brave as you. I know one day we will have it again, it just depends on me and fate to bring together our souls and to assist me in forming myself into what I was destined to become.

---------------------------------------------------

A.N.: This is probably going to be short stories, probably no names, I don't know. This was just basically a spur of the moment idea. Please just tell me what you think. Thanks for reading!

Sorry the paragraphs are not indented, in case it bugs some of the readers, the QuickEdit kept doing its own thing when I pressed saved.