We met again, the day after your birthday. Tori told me she felt bad because you had to spend it alone. I did not feel as bad, but of course I was excited to see if we would have another chance.

The first thing you asked me was where was he, the one you always seemed to be most concerned about, the one I’m always hurting, the one you thought would always be in the way.

I told you he was working, hot day in May, he was spending it with his good-for-nothing father working in some lot down in your neighborhood, under some huge car while I was with you and a couple of our friends celebrating your birthday.

Maybe it should not bother me nor surprise me that your first words to me did not consist of, “Hey, how have you been?” or “You look good,” but instead you went straight to the point to make him the subject and act as if you cared. Maybe you do, I am still not quite sure at all. But why can’t I be the one you are most concerned about?

We sat once you all ordered, I did not eat, I had just gotten through. We went to the second floor and I admit you had me looking. I think you were manipulating the situation to see if you could keep me interested or just being innocent. Wait a minute, innocent should never be in a sentence describing you. You poked a bit of fun at me, maybe to get me to talk, but basically, just to get me to look at you.

I have to admit, you looked handsome, you’ve changed a lot since I met you; more than a year ago. I remember the first day we went to your house, Tori, Louis, you and me. I had the best time I had ever expected.. And it came from you. How did that ever happen?

But this day was different, I knew what was going to happen if things got rolling, and most of me wanted them to happen, so I could be sure you still had feelings for me. Although groping on a person does not mean they have feelings for you.

We rented Porky’s after we left “Pappa’s.” I was hesitant about going, because I thought of him and if he would go considering the situation I was in, but I am rich in curiosity, so I went to Louis’ house with you all.

When we got there we went straight to his room and I took up his brother’s bed. Your cousin, and Robert sat on Louis’ bed and Tori sat on his poorly cushioned bench/bed. Louis set up the DVD Player before taking up space on the bed with me, and Tori joined too. You sat on the poorly cushioned bench/bed and tried to get comfortable before exclaiming that you had been cheated. There was plenty of space on the bed I was on so I suggested/offered you the remaining space, and there we were, too close for comfort.

As the movie started and played on I could feel tensions rise. Louis and Tori moved to the floor and I laid down fully, you began to flirt playfully and of course I joined you. I love it when you show me any kind of affection, even though I’m with him I still have space for you.

You pulled the covers over us and kissed me on my right cheek which had my heart fluttering, damn you. I doubt I have the same affect on you. We kissed sparingly yet it was sensual. I knew Louis and Tori could hear and I thought about him, but damn it, you wanted me and who’s to say that I didn’t want you.

You asked me how I thought you looked on a scale of one through ten, I gave you an eight. You were surprised. I asked you about me and you said that I couldn’t be the same and gave me a seven and a half. I hit you playfully and you held me tighter.

I remember this moment significantly. You were laying on your back and I was on my stomach with my arms propping me up, I don’t remember what we were talking about but you grabbed my hand and placed it over your heart and said something along the lines of “See how you make me feel?” or “See, I am happy now.” I can’t think of which one it was but they both mean the same. You had me at that moment, hell you could have said, “Let me fuck you doggy-style!” and I would have melted into any shape or form you wished because you had said the sweetest thing I had ever heard come out of your mouth and it was said to me while you looked me straight in the eyes. Who knows how many other girls have heard the same exact words during the same exact situation ..with you..

I can’t say I was thinking much of him. Why is it that I let you assist in ruining things for me? Why am I so selfish? Is it that I’m meant to be with you? Or is it that I just want something from someone that doesn’t want the same from me?

I am breaking up with him because of this, but he doesn’t need to know it. I can not continue to hurt him. He deserves someone who treats him like he treats me. I wish I woke up most morning’s thinking of only the moment of when I will get to see him, but most of the time, I wake up thinking of you. You make me hate myself.

I’ve continued to go with the flow, letting myself be pulled by someone who may or may not care. I’ve called you mean, but I don’t mean it. I care about every thing you do, I just can’t seem to open up and let myself tell you how I want it to go down. What if that’s what you’re waiting for? I really hope so, that way you’ll stick around and maybe one day we’ll look back fondly with memories of how much it took for us to realize we needed each other in some sick way. Or maybe I’ll just keep up the charade long enough for you to realize you’re wasting your time. Please don’t leave. I would hate myself even more for letting you get away because then I would never know of the mistake I could have made.