I'v had it with potatoes all day long all i do is watch them grow and fester and die i hate them so god damn much i want the whole world to hate them too so i'v made a list of why i hate them .

Enjoy

I suppose the first reason would have to be the fact that I am forced to think about potatoes to write. Even when I show my utter contempt for the vegetable from hell. They will continue to haunt me until I join them in the dirt. They are probable the only thing that will keep me here again and again with the constant pestering of it all, apoth on thee potatoes and listen to my hateful words of scorn and anguish.

I shall be reminded of the taste of the raw potato, dry, powdery and wet I mean all at the same time. It is a metaphor for life and we all know that life is only as good as the vegetables in it. So potatoes equal life, life equals potatoes and potatoes equal crap tasting when eaten raw agreed.

The sound of the word. You can’t put any emotion into it, I mean try to shout it, go on, right now. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it, how can I shout to the heavens how I hate them when all that is shouted back is “try carrots then you stupid git”

The shapes of potatoes are not very attractive you won’t see them on the cover of vogue labelled these months’ hottest spuds on film. It’s bumpy and irregular with absolutely no symmetry. I would just like to ask who the hell thought I know lets make them the same shape as an old persons elbow please.

Mr Potato head is just the worlds most ugly and sad toy in the world. the novelty wears off after one kid says “ hey lets put feet in the eye sockets and put its eyes for a mouth” I personally through mine in the bin were it became leader of the oppressed toy movement and over through the oppressive lollypop stick party which are now situated in the bottom of my black bin.

Crisps are probable the most saltiest waste of space known to man (except the contents of the houses of parliament but to complain about them would make me anti anti parlimentaliarium. try saying that with a mouth full of angry scorpians ) there thin enough to cut the mask of a teletubbie and get stuck in my teeth (since writing this sentence I have given up crisps) causing bleeding and irritation . I hate them.

Potato bake is a crime of humanity it burns on the top and is cold underneath plus the foul root is hard and stale when finished. It reminds me of one of my mottos “marriage is like potato bake.”

Potato peelers are evil either there too sharp and slice your fingers to ribbons or there too blunt and you spend four billion hours trying to scrape of the outer layer. You could use a knife but there’s the risk of square potatoes have you tried to make kids eat square potatoes don’t bother.

Soil always covers potatoes not other vegetables though like carrots .just picking them up leaves a dark brown stain on your hand (which leaves much to the imagination.)Think about how many segmented worms that it has gone through .Worm poo that’s all soil is and they live in it not a very nice picnic now is it.

Supermarkets sell potatoes in three different ways loose (the most expensive) in polythene bags (good price) and in bulk (cheap as wall plaster) the only way your guaranteed not to get a load of rotten and mankey spuds is to buy loose this is where supermarkets make there money and with there money they buy nuclear warheads and fuel the terrorist regime of Blackpool (which now owns fully one tenth of all the nuclear warheads in the world.)With the warheads they plan to decimate any rival competitors that sell potatoes e.g.: corner shops, so they can make potatoes king and let them rule the world.

Potato power is as scientists say “a really neat way to make us look smart” this involves strapping the tainted vegetable into a harness and draining it of its power. As you can tell the supermarkets have harnessed this awesome power to fuel there world domination scheme. Plus a potato powered light is just ugly, talk about Argos, because I will you know.

Potatoes make horrible poets better yet they make horrible public speakers , better still they can’t talk which just annoys me because they can’t respond to criticism so it makes me look like a bully , I can hear the critics now “ what has the poor little potato done to this loud , brutish and outlandish freak” I’ll tell you, they won’t tell me the meaning of life I mean they must be the only living organisms that must know this answer because I don’t ( that’s why I ask potatoes , to no avail )

The spelling of the fettered and shovanistic potted toes gets my finagle (what a great word) just about every time I tried to spell it I get it wrong (thank matt paint for spell check) its either a huge and massive conspiracy to diverge our attention from the gathering darkness or just some git’s dastardly invention to annoy me, which has worked exceedingly well.

French fries are one of the world best loved side dishes thanks to a particular chain of restaurants (you know which one) and are also prone to causing me to choke on the hot grease that dribbled from them (it has been nine months since my last French fry) and down my thin spindly neck. plus there basically chips which are from England and not the fabled country ( everyone knows France is a place made up to scare small children , I remember my granny saying” if you don’t eat your potatoes I send you to France” which if you being technical is reason fifth teen ,but I’m not so there.)

America (it has to be mentioned) capitalised on the gnarled tater making them (probably) one of the biggest reasons that the potato has spread over the world and filled the mouths of so many impressionable young children.

Jacket potato stalls smell so nice when you pass ( they have them where I live) But when you see the price its just extortionist and the toppings are ludicrous jelly and pineapple ice crème (maybe I dreamt that one but I will keep looking until I find it just to prove the topping naysayer wrong)cheesy peas please save me. Finally they look terrible the skins are tough and the potato is soggy, not my bag baby.

Eyes grow out of potatoes so they can watch and rule us secretly, (oh we may eat them but that is just to put there mind probes in our gullet) they scheme and plot. oh don’t think I don’t know.

They vary in size which confuses the best of us mere mortals.

How can I tell the difference between old and new potatoes ,they are both encrusted in dirt both look the same when shot with a magnum(not the ice crème yum ice crème) I’m confused so I bunged them in a pot and guess what (snot) they both tasted the same. I gave up trying when I forgot to let them cool and burnt my fingers.

The great potato famine of Ireland killed lots of people and forced lots of people to move to America, I mean how arrogant of the potato to just decide “I know I’ll stop growing just to pee off the Irish” what a stupid move by the potato (have they ever tried to part an Irish alcoholic from there beer, not a very smart thing to do.)then all of a sudden they pop up again to annoy me and maybe you (I don’t know but I’m guessing after reading this you’ll think “oh yeah those sneaky nasty brown bricks of bio mass won’t fool me again” and then you’ll stop eating potatoes and they’ll stop being grown and I will win, maybe not but it’s great to dream)

When the Irish got to America(I saw it on a De Caprio film) they where subject to racism which is the direct fault of the potato.(and the worm)

They hurt when thrown (I myself have been subjected to many a potato stoning for various crimes against food)

Little children use them to break my windows if this were the old days I’d put my boot to em or maybe the rhubarb , even that’s too good for em granny fetch the cane and some pliers I’ll teach the perishes a lesson they won’t forget in a hurry . They’ll limp on both legs and will have to sit on there head giving them a big headache.

Hey get off my key board grand dad I told you to stay away from technology go on get. Old fool.

Potatoes send my grand dad up the twist and round the bend (which by chance is where the corner shop is) they are the sole reason he is whappy and why I’m going that way too.

The plural spelling is completely different from the normal way why can’t you simply put an s on the end.

They are making me run out of reasons to hate them which make me hate them more. I’m just a volcano of anger and pulsing rage grrrr.

Potatoes don’t have magic powers they can’t fly, sing you to sleep or shoot laser beams out of there eyes (although anything can be achieved by drinking high quality bleach) there just sad little things with a mind constantly focused on world domination.

An anagram of potatoes is “seat poo t” what the hell dose that mean. The potatoes probably know but they ain’t talking to me.

I almost forgot about chips, there fatty ,dry and cause food poisoning ( if eaten with raw egg) England find them utterly delicious and too good to resist (another way they plan to take over) plus they are cutting down the fish population and putting good fishermen out of work . They drain the world’s precious vinegar reserves and make every ones cloths stink...

Potatoes secretly killed President Kennedy so that they could use Vietnam to grow.

They smell

Who ever thought of selling there skins were just stupid, the skins are tough, chewy and have little or no flavour at all.

They have made me write out there name thirty seven times

Finally the sordid brown crop of satins fruited under wear have caused me to commit myself to the local psychiatric ward. The little shits have driven me insane (finally) who will look after poor tiddles (my half Persian half Great Dane dat) the whole world thinks I’m a raving loony (pot woops there goes my tweezers ding baling )oh dear that’s my last sentence

I am forced to add that this book is completely dedicated to all the evil little potatoes in the world who without them none of this would be possible. (Like I care though)