A/N: This was a play I wrote for 24 Hour theatre. I wrote it from 9:30 at night to 1:00 this morning. I want to say thanks to all the actors (and the director) who brought it to life and did a mauvelous (NY accent) job performing.

EJ: You rock. I imagined Oliver exactly like that in my mind and you were great. I wish you the best of luck in any future endeavors in theatre or any thing else. You better be back next year.

Corinne: You are the most awesome old lady ever! Keep rasping away!

Kacie: You are Galinda. In fact that is what I shall call you from now on. Come back next year because you rule!!!

Heather: You have to be the sweetest person in the whole world. I loved working with you and come back next year because you have so much talent and it would be a pity to waste it!!!

Chad: You are an amazing director and I hope I get to be in your group again next year because you would be a very formidable opponent!!! Good luck in any and all future movies!!!!

“Once upon this island Kilroy was here.”

By: Alex Keith

Characters: (in order of appearance)

Old Lady- Corinne

Tiffany- Kacie

Leroy- Heather

Movie voice- EJ

Oliver- EJ

Manager- Chad

Girl in movie- Alex

Kilroy- Chad

Medic- Alex

Steph- Alex

(Curtain opens. Three chairs lined in a row. Old Lady sitting in middle.)

Tiffany: (dragging LEROY on stage) Leroy, come on. See, the previews have already started. I can’t wait. I’ve been waiting for weeks to see this movie.

Leroy: Wait, Tiffany, what’s it called again?

Tiffany: “Once upon this island Kilroy was here.”

(Beat.)

Leroy: (looks at audience and shakes her head.)

Tiffany: Ah man, this old lady already took the primo seats. (Sigh.) I guess we’ll just have to split up. (Sits down. Fidgets.) I hate old people smell.

Leroy: (Leaning over old lady.) I think she can hear you.

Old Lady: (Turning to LEROY.) What did you say, my dear?

Leroy: Ummm… Nothing, ma’am.

Old Lady: Okay, dearie.

Movie Voice: (Offstage.) Please take note of the exits. There are two. One is located to the side of the movie screen and is marked with a red exit sign. The other is in the rear of the auditorium at the place you entered and is also marked with a red exit sign. In case of emergency or alarm, please make your way to the exits and exit the building immediately. Old Timer Movie Theater thanks you for not smoking. In addition, we, here at Old Timer Movie Theater would like to ask all moviegoers to pleasesilence all pagers and cell phones for the consideration of the other audience members. Also, if you would please unwrap all hard candy now so to not disturb anyone. Thank you.

(Cell phone goes off.)

Tiffany: (taking out cell phone) Hello. Oh my Gosh. No way. He so did not. You mean… No way! He said that she said that he did what?! I have to see this for myself. I can’t believe that Oliver got a job at the Old Timer Movie Theater!

Old Lady: You know they just made an announcement to turn off your cell phones, dearie.

Tiffany: Look, old lady. I am in the middle of a very important phone call here. So if you could just mind your own business, maybe we might just get along.

Old Lady: Don’t you DARE speak to me like that, you whippersnapper. I’ll teach you to respect your elders. (Takes out cane. Starts beating TIFFANY.)

Tiffany: (putting away cell phone) Alright, alright. Don’t have a cow. It wasn’t that important anyway. (Takes out phone and starts text messaging.) I… still… can’t… believe… he … would… do …something… like…that. Send.

Old Lady: They said to turn off the cell phone. Are you hard of hearing?

(Old Lady’s cell phone rings.)

Old Lady: (answering cell phone) Hello…I can’t hear you…can you speak any louder?

(Oliver enters.)

Oliver: Excuse me, can you please turn off all cell phones. It’s disturbing the other moviegoers.

Tiffany: What other moviegoers. In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re the only ones in here. Hey. You wouldn’t happen to know the ushers over at Old Timer Movie Theater, would you?

Oliver: This is Old Timer Movie Theater.

Tiffany: Oh. Because I just heard the news that Oliver just got a job here. I mean what kind of loser works here. It’s a dump. (OLIVER covers up name tag.) Wait, what’s your name? I can’t see your name tag. (Name tag is uncovered.) OMG! Steph was right. You are a dork.

Oliver: Get out, now.

Leroy: You know, it’s very unprofessional to let your personal feelings get in the way of your work. You shouldn’t let her get to you.

Oliver: She shouldn’t have been talking.

Leroy: Technically, you’re talking, too.

Oliver: Do you want to leave with her.

Leroy: Oh I’m fine.

Oliver: Come on, cheerleader. I have to take you to the manager.

Tiffany: (panics with huge arm motions) I promise I won’t do anything wrong.

Oliver: Fine? (He exits.)

(OLD LADY starts unwrapping wrapper very noisily.)

Tiffany: They said to do that at the beginning of the movie.

Old Lady: This is the beginning of the movie.

Leroy: They meant before the movie started.

Old Lady: Oh, why I think you’re right. Sorry dear. I thought they wanted everyone to open their hard candy. It seemed rather silly to me but I did it anyway. (Candy falls on floor. OLD LADY picks it up again.) Would you like it my dear. I didn’t really want it.

Tiffany: Of course she doesn’t want it. It fell on the disgusting floor.

Old Lady: This is a warning. Do not speak until spoken to. (She hits TIFFANY with the cane.)

Tiffany: Ow. Look, stop hitting me with that cane. It hurts.

Old Lady: Good. It’s supposed to. I bought it for this exact purpose and I must say it is doing a marvelous job.

Tiffany: You-

(Oliver enters.)

Oliver: What is going on here? I thought you said you weren’t going to cause any more trouble.

Tiffany: I wasn’t planning on it. But this old lady keeps whacking me with her cane.

Oliver: (turning to OLD LADY) Is this true ma’am?

Old Lady: Yes.

Oliver: Why?

Old Lady: She keeps speaking out of turn.

Tiffany: Speaking out of turn? It’s called freedom of speech!

Old Lady: (starts hitting TIFFANY with cane again) I’ll teach you to behave, you little brat! You speak when spoken to!

Oliver: Hey. Let’s not fight over this. I’m sure this can be settled another way! (OLIVER gets hit with cane as well.)

(Giant Fight. Everyone gets hit with cane, including LEROY.)

Leroy: Everyone, just calm down. CALM DOWN!

Oliver: That’s it. No yelling in the theatre. All of you get OUT!

(OLD LADY, TIFFANY, and LEROY trudge out. OLIVER sits in chair and starts watching movie. MANAGER enters.)

Manager: Oliver, why aren’t you doing your job?

Oliver: Well, the theatre is empty and…

Manager: That’s no excuse. There were three people in here. What happened to them?

Oliver: They were disturbing the peace. So I kicked them out.

Manager: Fine. Just make sure they stay out.

Oliver: Will do.

(MANAGER exits. OLD LADY is sneaking in the back.)

Girl in Movie: All that’s left of our ship is this rubble.

Kilroy: That’s not true. We have this American flag.

Old Lady: (starts crying. Takes out American flag and waves it.) (SUNG)

America, America,

God shed his grace on thee…

(OLIVER turns around to stare at OLD LADY.)

Oliver: I thought I kicked you out of here.

Old Lady: Well…

Oliver: Well…

Old Lady: Ummm… I’m going to die in two weeks and this is my last movie!

Oliver: Really. And what are you dying of?

Old Lady: Ummm… It’s a rare tropical disease. You wouldn’t have heard of it.

Oliver: Nice try. But stay out of this movie theater! (Pushes OLD LADY off stage.)

(Oliver sits back down. TIFFANY sneaks in the back. Her cell phone goes off.)

Tiffany: Hello?

Oliver: And what is this I hear? It couldn’t be my cell phone. So it must be the little perky cheerleader’s.

Tiffany: I can explain.

(Pause.)

Oliver: Well. Start explaining.

Tiffany: Well… I left my… dog in here!

Girl in cell phone: I like so did not know you had a dog.

Tiffany: Be quiet.

Oliver: Get out. Now.

Tiffany: No, no, wait. It was my friend’s dog. I was… uhhh… taking it for a walk. Yeah, that’s right.

Oliver: Go.

Tiffany: No… I’m meeting a friend here.

Oliver: There is no one else in here but me.

Tiffany: Well… she’s coming later.

Oliver: And why would she come to the movies half an hour late?

Tiffany: Look, I made her up so can we just skip the questions and you let me back in to the movie theater because I’m like so totally popular?

Oliver: How 'bout... No.

Tiffany: Fine. I’m going.

(She stomps off. Oliver sits back down. LEROY walks right in.)

Leroy: Excuse me… ummm… (to herself) oh no! I don’t have a plausible excuse! What am I going to tell him? I could say that I left my book here, but who leaves a book anywhere and who brings a book to a movie theater. I’ve got it, I forgot my purse. No wait, I don’t carry a purse. But he doesn’t know that. But when he finds out that I’m lying, he’ll kick me out and I don’t think I can bear being kicked out twice. Oh I have to think of something quick or he going to suspect that I’m trying to think up an excuse and kick me out right now before I even get to speak.

Oliver: Bingo. Just turn around and walk through that door behind you.

(LEROY exits. OLD LADY enters on hands and knees in coughing fit.)

Old Lady: Help cough cough an old lady cough cough who is dying cough cough of a very cough rare disease cough cough that no one cough has ever heard of.

Oliver: Get up. Stop coughing. And go home.

(OLD LADY hits him with cane and walks out. TIFFANY enters.)

Tiffany: You have to help me. My friend is looking for her dog and I need to find it really fast because she’s coming right now.

Oliver: I don’t care. You’re bluffing.

Tiffany: You know that you’re no help at all in this crisis. Wait, what does bluffing mean?

Oliver: Lying. Now leave.

(TIFFANY exits. LEROY enters.)

Leroy: I forgot… my book!

Oliver: Who leaves a book in a movie theater?

Leroy: It didn’t work.

(LEROY exits. TIFFANY enters.)

Oliver: Silly me. I thought it was the old lady’s turn for an excuse.

Tiffany: Forget her. You have to help me find my friend’s dog.

Oliver: Look, it’s obvious that this lie isn’t working. You might want to try using another one. Get creative, entertain me.

(TIFFANY starts to exit but stops.)

Oliver: Got one yet?

Tiffany: Shhh. Do you hear that? It sounds like an ambulance. OMG! The old lady just fainted.

Oliver: This one is better but not quite good enough.

(MEDIC enters.)

MEDIC: Did either of you know that this lady out here had a rare tropical disease? The doctor told her just this morning that she only had two weeks to leave.

(MEDIC exits.)

Tiffany: Wow. That’s kinda sad. I had no idea. It’s rare that I don’t know what’s going on.

Oliver: Just get out of this theater.

(TIFFANY exits. LEROY enters.)

Oliver: If you forgot your purse, just turn around and walk right back out.

(LEROY exits. TIFFANY enters followed by STEPH.)

Tiffany: This is the guy that wouldn’t let me in to get your dog.

Steph: That is like so rude.

(STEPH picks up dog from upstage and exits. TIFFANY follows.)

Oliver: No way.

(LEROY enters.)

Leroy: Look. I was wondering if I could just watch the movie. I paid for my ticket and I want my money’s worth.

Oliver: Why not?

Leroy: Really? You mean it?

Oliver: Yes. I just want this day to be over with.

Leroy: Well, what’s the next movie showing in here?

Oliver: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, opening day.

Leroy: What do you say we lock the doors and have a private screening? It’s playing on double screens anyway.

Oliver: Sounds good to me.

HP Fans: (in British acents, knocking) Open the door! (more knocking) Open the door!

THE END