i was thinking last nite in the wee hours of the morn that my life would be very different now if i had been in charge of all the choices

i would still be living with my mother

fighting with her no doubt, and unaware of how wonderful a fight with her could be when the alternative is an unending emptiness

this stain upon my soul would be a mere hint of what it is now

none of these thoughts are new

i have them quite regularly for that is what it is to love someone who is gone

to know that you love them now more than you ever did when you had the chance to be with them

and to know you failed to be the best you could be when they were alive

to be longing for the one thing you know you CAN NEVER have for it is forever vanished from the earth upon which you live

there is no mighty quest, no sacrifice you can make, no goal for which you can strive that will bring it back to you

it is gone and nothing is left in its place

a great nothing that swells and swallows anything it touches

a nothing that is the polar opposite of the one you loved and lost

and yet everything around you still eats at you

nothing stops when your heart does

and you will try to catch up for the rest of your life, never winning, never finding rest, never being

but you can't stop

you can not do it

it cannot be done by anyone any way

so you go on

because life drags you with it whether you run and try to keep your feet under you or not and it drags your face through the mud and rocks underfoot

the momentum commands with an iron fist

so you find yourself acting as an empty shell for ever after