This was yet another English II assignment. I was supposed to write a persuasive essay. My brain went dead for topics, so I just thought of the most random thing I could and went with it. I’m actually pretty shocked. I almost convinced myself that I wanted to nominate a pig for president.

Pig For President

By Porky the Pig (With Elizabeth Dowell as the typist)

I think we should elect a pig for president. Why, you ask? Well, easy. We would become famous worldwide, learn more about the important aspects of our life, and we could eliminate corruption entirely!

Think about it. Practically every country has a human leader, but what about a pig? All we’d have to do is find a good psychic (for communication purposes) and we could listen to a pig give speeches, propose new laws, veto bad laws…anything. People everywhere would turn their heads, click on the TVs, gossip about it at work. America would be on the road to outdoing China in riches and good economy from all the tourists that would come here just to see the pig. And in outdoing China, we would make history.

Besides, a pig knows what matters. Come on, do you think pigs spend their precious time arguing with each other about tax cuts, or education, or whether or not the words “under God” should be in the pledge? Of course they don’t. When you stuff twelve pig in a pen full of mud together, they’re just going to learn how do their best to get along and survive, in the little time they have before they become toast—er, bacon. A pig just wants to be happy. They don’t need as much as we do to make this dream come true. Humans complicate things; only a pig can tell you the real meaning of simple.

And for my last point: corruption in this nation would sure fade fast if we had a pig for president. Think about it; you can’t bribe a presidential pig. All a pig wants is a mate to have piglets with, some mud, some food, and a place to sleep where he doesn’t freeze to death or overheat. Not a lot—and any presidential pig would already have these things. You can’t bribe anyone who already has everything he’s ever wanted. And blackmailing? Come on, what kind of pig has really done something sop bad that he has to keep it a secret? Remember, pigs are simple! The worst thing a pig would do is accidentally eat another pig’s slop, and is that really so bad?

So come on, ladies and gents! Help me out here. Let’s make America unforgettable. Let’s learn about what life really is. Let’s get rid of all this complicated human corruption and all of the other nonsense. Let’s elect a pig for president.

I mean really, what more do we have to lose?

I think I might have kinda freaked my teacher out. She told me I’d done a good job and that the opinion was very “unique.” I don’t know if she took it seriously or not.