i don't want to hear (see) the bullet shot (wound)

this cycle began years ago
when i was about ten
i didn't understand too much then
but now i do
i have to sit back and watch you
i see all the shit you go through
and there's nothing i can do to help
it scares me more than anything else
(even more than my desire to take my own life)
i know you see that
it doesn't just effect you
you know it effects me and mom
i don't want to find you dead
i don't want to see you die
i front of my very eyes
i don't want to see you go
i don't want to hear (see) that bullet shot (wound)
you are my big bro
and always have been/will be
so please don't go
you've made countless mistakes
and it's so hard to listen to the arguments
everything than can happen scares me
everything that has happened depresses me
it sucks that the only way you think
the three of us are safe is
by buying a gun
(i remember the time you let me hold your old one
what a scary yet powerful feeling)
i didn't want mom to give you the money for it
then you asked me if i wanted
you to get shot and see you die
and that there is/was a possibility me and mom could get killed
then it snapped
whatever that is inside of me that
helps me keep everything inside
just b r o k e
i cried and you put your arms around me
and (softly) repeated over and over
'it's alright, i'm your big bro
and i'll always be here. stop crying i know you're stronger than this'
and i did stop crying
but i still worry
and i hate that i could wake up one morning and find
out that you're dead - that you were shot
it would hurt too much
please don't go
i never want to hear (see) the bullet shot (wound)

April 25, 2006

note: how is it that i might not have to kill myself? that someone might do it for me? all of this is true. every damn word. i know that it's not very poetic, so please if you hate this do not flame me. it hurts too damn much and i doubt a lot of ppl know what it feels like to put up with shit like 't ask 'why don't you go to the police, cuz this happened not too long ago, but it already pass...it's may way of trying to get passed it (i do hate to pour myself out like this). if anyone decided to read this (cuz i know the summary sounds like a story), please review.