Author: Gerk PM
I honestly have no idea what this story is about.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 1,560 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 05-02-06 - id: 2166395
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Seriously! She only broke her nose." He shook his head pointlessly at his friend in the passenger seat.
"And both parachutes failed to deploy?" A quizzical, cockeyed expression filled the second man's face.
"Yeah. Must have, like, landed in mud or something."
"Hmm, I believe it," he shrugged. "Arright Will, check this out...You know who James Brown is, right?"
Will rolled his eyes. "Of course."
"Y'know, he's American and all that..." his friend mumbled, trailing off. "His wife! Okay, his wife."
"What about her?"
"She got pulled over one time for speeding, and tried to claim diplomatic immunity...K...she said she was married to the ambassador of funk!"
"Wasn't he the ambassador of soul?"
"...oh, right, right. Soul."
They both laughed and a peculiar silence set in over the hum of the car, which had just turned onto Nahant Road.
"Hey Kevin." He paused seeming to wait for a response, then promptly continued anyway. "Ever hear of a guy named...Quarlow, I think it is?"
"That internet guy?" Blonde hair falling in front of his eyes, he pushed it aside casually.
"John Quarlow, the earth mover...er, walker. The earth walker. What about him?"
"I hear he might be in town."
"Why?" He laughed silently, sounding to others as if he was abnormally exhaling or snickering.
"Because he's the earth walker. He walks the earth." Will looked up and shook his head in good humor
"No, I mean, why would he? We live on a freakin' island."
He was basically right. Nahant was a town situated off the coast off Massachusetts, surrounded by the Nahant Bay and Nahant Harbor, connected only to the mainland by the predictably named Nahant Road, which was a road spanning a land bridge approximately two miles long (and no more than a hundred feet wide.) To the untrained eye, it seemed every single aspect of the town bore an eponymous surname of Nahant, the target of much bad humor. With the exception of the tiny stretch of road, Nahant was an island.
Nevertheless, the conversation continued. "Well, I don't know. Maybe he...likes beaches."
"Hey Kevin." Once again, the semi-pause. "Want to look for him?"
"Like, you want to go around the city looking for one guy who you've never really even seen before?" Aside from a few pictures posted on his personal-slash-promotional website, what John Q looked like was mostly a mystery.
"Well, y-" he was interrupted.
"WAIT! I wasn't done yet." Kevin stuck his hand up cautiously but ever so casually. "One guy who we've never seen before...who might not even be in town."
"...Right." A forced grin came across Will's face.
"...Sure, why not." And he shrugged, as a reply to the grin.
It had been a long time since the two guys had met up, about two years to be exact. And this day was already shaping up to be just like old times: completely pointless.
"Will. Why do you want to meet this guy, anyway?"
"I don't know...If we didn't, there would be no story." And on an author's whim, the fourth wall was completely shattered.
"The fourth wall, huh?" Laughing at the narration of their own boring day, the two started laughing uncontrollably...when suddenly out of the corner of each of their eyes, a foreign object, much higher situated than the road, came into view immeasurably fast, startling them, then startling the object itself. Then the two collided...well, sort of. The car just sort of ran over the object, and promptly the car screeched to an equally immeasurable halt, completely screwing up traffic.
The cars behind Will's reacted in a unified way: violently. The first car hit the brakes, but too late. Unable to stop, it swerved to the side, flying sideways but stopping...until the next car slammed right into it, forming a car-shaped T. The third car drove them as a skater would a half pipe, gaining some completely vertical air before landing on top of the two prior. And the fourth car...well, who knows what happened to them, they just kinda were already flying through the air before crashing into the three cars. If this took place in Japan, the cars certainly would have merged at this point to form some kind of robot or mega-car, but, alas, this was America. So in the tradition of cheesy action movies, they promptly exploded violently, flames spewing everywhere but failing to damage our heroes...and whatever it was they ran over. Speaking of...
"What was that?" Kevin said, referring to the four thuds the car produced, one going up and one going down for each wheel...of course he wasn't referring to the absurd vehicular explosion which was just added in for space and humor's sake. Why would anyone think that?
But anyway, they both got out of the blue, shiny Honda Accord. Will gasped, a shaking hand nervously placed on his obligatorily-described short brown hair.
"Oh my god, I just hit John Quarlow!"
...There was nothing.
Will quietly continued. "You ARE John Quarlow, right?"
The man simply got up and dusted himself off. "No."
...The entire stretch of road went silent, save for the sound of the burning cars. About seven minutes later, comprised solely of two men just standing in the middle of a public road, a guy in a conveniently-added black robe who had been run over promptly getting up and also just standing in the middle of the public road, and a scene of a four car pileup, evidently the only four other cars in the area for miles, burning, without a single car passing by, something else finally got said.
"Well...then, who are you?"
"I'm Death! Isn't this black robe and the fact my face is a damn skull a dead giveaway?!"
"Well...no...not if the author doesn't tell us what you look like. In fact, I'm not even sure if I'm Kevin or Will right now, talking!" He was right. Who is talking?!
"Well, anyway, yeah, I'm Death. Nice to meet you. I'm just here on a vacation to good ol' Nahant...oh yeah. And I'm here TO KILL YOU!"
"To kill us?"
"Yes! Now prepare to die!" He stuck his scythe, which he also apparently had, into the air, and started it in circles from side to side, front and back, in a heavily stylish and choreographed fashion.
Then suddenly, a flying intergalactic alien carrier ship flew down from the heavens (or just from outer space) and crushed Death...well, and let's make it the entire city of Nahant while we're at it, for that matter.
Kevin and Will both screamed out "Man, that was cool!" Somehow, they were on top of the spaceship. Then suddenly again, the bay of the golden ship opened, and up from the lift came...an alien!
"Greetings mortals...er, I mean, earthlings. We come in peace...or do we? Haha, I'm just kidding. Prepare to die. Or am I kidding? Well, who knows." The alien, with his stereotypical brownish-gray skin and large black circular eyes, reached around to reach something where his belt would be...oh yes; He's completely naked, since these aliens are so advanced they have no need for clothes. Or proper flight lessons, for that matter. But then when he reached around and jerked back...he had 6 arms! All with various guns on them too futuristic to be described on a two-dimensional piece of paper.
"Haha! I have 6 arms now! HOW ABOUT THAT? Now I am going to shoot at you randomly!" Look out, Will!
Will dodged sideways and lunged to the deck, avoiding the 6 shots of laser aimed at him. He beamed, "Thanks narrator!" With an adamant thumbs up.
The alien was furious "That was CHEATING! I thought you were neutral, storyteller! Now I am going to shoot at YOU randomly!" He pointed his six guns at...wait a minute, he's pointing them at me! Oh no, how unfortunate! Come on, author, help me! Okay, he must be on a break—oh wait, here he comes back.
Uhhhh...then out of nowhere, the product of a flying roundhouse kick came across the alien's face, striking with such force that the cranium came clear off! By the death of this one alien, the earth was completely saved!
Will, still prone from the dive, was ecstatic. "Thank you...Chuck Norris?!" Trust me, I'm as surprised as you are.
Chuck Norris?! turned to face him. "No...I'm not Chuck Norris?!...You can call me...John Quarlow!"
Kevin woke up in a cold sweat in his own bed, completely and thoroughly freaked out by the last six pages' events. He wiped the sweat off his own brow and sat up, with his arms to brace him.
"Whew...it was all a dream..."
"Yes..." a creepy voice echoed from the other side of the bed, "Go back to bed, honey." Kevin looked to his left, the black robe and talking skull in plain sight.
"Yeah, you're right...Goodnight, Death!"
THE END...OR IS IT?!