A Dying Lovers Confession (Scar’s Story)

Davida Clark

I had a love for you

A love that was true

A love unquestioned

A love worth living for

A love worth dying for

I had a love for you… A love gained…

I remember when I first laid eyes on you. I was sitting in English class, writing, when you came up from behind me. My desk was the one in the front, the only one left alone in the room.

You asked the teacher where you where to sit, and it was my luck to sit next to you. You sat down with a bit of a flop, your bag hitting the floor with a dull thud. I didn’t look you in the face, afraid that you would see the same thing the other students.

Freak.

Weirdo.

Trash.

That girl.

I looked down at my arms incased in black stretching cotton, the black bracelets on that went up my arms like so many black mamba’s eating themselves. Beyond my stinging mambas, I see leather covered in barbed and razor wire. I pick at them, trying to get up the courage to look over; I see that you already have your eyes on me… and so does Lisa. She goes through more boys than I went through leather boots. I immediately stopped looking at you, knowing that all you saw was my Scar.

She liked to think of herself as the alpha female, because all of the other girls either worshipped her or worked for her, most of the time both. She hated me because I did neither. I finished my work and left quickly for the next class.

I was not ashamed of who I was or what I had done in my past. The girls would look at me with a look of disgust, hatred and fear. The boys would look at my body with longing, wanting to sit next to me and strike up conversation, but then they saw me look at them, they would see the scar going from near the middle of my head, a crescent moon on my left cheek, making it’s way over my eye.

While waiting for the next class, ignoring the jeers directed towards me, I saw you coming my way. I ignored you, thinking that you where just like the other stereotypes.

Then you asked me my name casually. I looked back at you, seeing your somewhat long sandy-blonde hair, your distressed brown leather jacket, your black T-shirt, your light blue jeans, ripped at the knees, your black air force ones. I ignored you.

And then she came up behind you; letting you I was called ‘Scar’. I didn’t pay her attention to either of you. I walked into my in seat, alone in to corner, not wanting to be talk to anyone. But you, insistently, talked to me. This time you told me you liked my binder, black with a dark purple skull on it. I asked you what you wanted, and you said nothing.

Over the next days, you spoke to me like no one else would, like no one else would. And every time, I would snub you, embarrassed by the attention.

Then, one day, you asked me out, holding my hand. No one had touched me in a very long time, not even those who liked to call themselves my parents. I tried to move away, but you held strong. I looked in your eyes and saw truth within them.

And I said yes.

A love that was true… I was in Paradise…

The moment Lisa saw that we where we, she grew angry. You didn’t mind walking down the hallway with your hand in mine. You would follow me home to make sure I wasn’t attacked anymore, cursing at people who would dare say anything to me. I showed you my special thinking spot, on the school roof, with my friend the hawk. I told you how I could always talk to him, how he was the only person in the whole world who understood and me and wasn’t afraid. I told you about the times I tried to commit suicide, the stories of each cut that went over my body. I told you about the stepfather who touched me when I was little, about his panting, his hands in my flowered underwear, about how it grew every year since I was three. I told you about how I tried to tell my mom, and she told me to shut up. You came up to my stepfather and told him if he ever touched me again you would kill him. I told you about the girl I killed and the time I got the scar going down across my face. I told you about the time spent in a mental facility, and how the color black helped keep me from going insane, helped protect me.

You told me I wouldn’t need black anymore, that you would protect me. And I loved you for that.

A love unquestioned… I gave you my heart…

I asked you why you loved me and you said because I was beautiful and special. I didn’t believe you, but you convinced me. I let you into my world, and you protected me from it. You and I had a special understanding about these things, you knew what I needed and I knew what you needed. You where ashamed to let me come to your house because you lived in a small trailer and I lived in a mansion. Your mother and her boyfriend where there, he was sitting on a beaten up lay-z-boy chair and your mother was doing dishes not to far away. He was watching a game show with a can of beer in his hand. You mumbled and introduction to us as I waved and smile slightly. She looked up at me with glazed eyes. Her blonde hair was dirty, greasy and hung in lank ropes around her face. Her boyfriend just looked at me and snorted. He had on an athletic shirt and a pair of jeans. I crossed behind the TV with you and we sat down. You left me and told me you would be back in a moment. I watched a bit of the show, having seen this all the time in the institution.

I felt your mother’s boyfriend look over my body. I tried not to look at him; submission was still ingrained in me from when I was little. For every moment he looked at me, I could hear the pants inside my head, hear him call me a good girl, see my small hands on his… and then you came back, sensing my fear and took me away. You saved me once again, and that is what made me love you. I remember one day you didn’t come to school. I went to your home and saw that you had a black eye and your mother and her boyfriend where fighting. You went with me to my house. I was worried that you would get hurt, so I went with you to get your things and stay with me. You didn’t talk on the way back to my place and you wouldn’t look at me. I held your hand and squeezed it, trying to assure you that it was okay. My stepfather looked at us when we walked in, holding your things. I was afraid, but you held me by the waist, telling me that all would be okay. That night, we made love. I was ashamed that I wasn’t pure, but you made me feel pure. You helped me forget, at least for that moment about the stepfather who molested me, about the scars all over my body and the crescent moon one going over my left eye. We where done, you interlaced you fingers with mine and told me that you loved me and would always be there for me. And I cried, finally able to let those things out. You held me and rubbed my back. I fell asleep in your arms, and we laid there like that, not caring about the world outside out love.

A love worth living for… You where my life line…

With you there for me, I didn’t need the razors. You went under my bed and got the bag that I hid them in out. We went to the river and threw them away. You said that that part of my life was over, that now I could talk to someone. With you, I forgot about cutting myself, I had no reason to; you filled every moment with light. You wouldn’t let anything happen that would harm or put either one of us in danger. You would call me by my name, not by Scar; and if you did say Scar, you said it with love in your voice. My world was eternal night, and you where my moon, my stars, my life force.

My life force.

A love worth dying for... Trouble in Paradise…

I walked into my house, wondering why you wanted me to go to the store for dinner, instead of ordering with me. You said you needed time to yourself. I went with my car to Panda Express, all the way across town. I order the food and got back in the car, driving fast so it wouldn’t get cold. When I came back, I saw that a car was parked in front of my place. I know I had seen the car before, but thought that maybe it was one of my mother’s friends. I went into the gate, and closed it back. I smelt some disgusting perfume. I walked slowly up the left winding marble staircase, holding onto the brass handrail. I heard my combat boots make soft ‘tap, tap, taps’ on each stair. I stopped in front of my door when I thought I heard you and a female voice laughing. Then it stopped, and I heard scrambling. I ran and opened the door. I saw you with your pants open, your shirt throw to the floor, the bed wrinkled, but no female to be seen. My bedroom window was open. I could smell the stinking perfume wafting in the air.

I asked you if someone had been in my bedroom, and you said no. You said you opened the window for some fresh air. I didn’t believe you, when you came over to me, I smelt the smell. I shuck my head and threw the food down.

The next day was a Monday. Today. I walking to the front of the school, I saw the same car yet again. I felt you pull me closer and kiss my forehead. When we went into class, I smelt the perfume. That moment I went cold and my heart skipped a beat. My heart was weak, but it hadn’t bothered me in years, except when my stepfather came near. I followed the smell to her. Lisa. Then it all came to me. I felt the world spinning around me. It was her car, her smell in my room, and her scent on your neck. I felt like someone closed my windpipe and the ground came up to meet me.

When I awoke, you where standing over me. I scrambled away and saw I was in the nurse’s office. You face was pale and you held my arm. I snatched it away and smacked you in the face, running out. I ran to the roof of the school, where Hawk was there. He landed on my shoulder; I felt his talons sink into my flesh. I screamed out, howling, scaring Hawk. My body tensed up as I fell to my knees. I cried hard, feeling myself shake and hearing myself making puppy sounds. You came up, but I didn’t know you where there until you placed your hand on my shoulder. I moved away from you.

I TRSTED YOU!

Calm down.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? YOU WHERE MY LIFELINE!

Please let me explain…

WHAT? YOU WHERE FUCKING HER!

She came on to me!

AND THAT EXPLAINS IT ALL?

Please, I love you…

NO YOU DON’T! You don’t love me…

I took the pills that where in my pocket out. The bottle said ‘in case of emergency’. I took all of the pills, knowing that they where arsenic and sleeping pills mixed together. You tried to grab me, but I didn’t let you. I took out my switchblade and slit my wrists.

I love you…

No… what are you doing…

I love you.

I jump fall off the ledge looking at your screaming and crying face. You are trying to run to me. I smile at you and mouth out ‘I love you… forever.’ I hit the ground and all goes black. I see something, my switchblade. It is dug itself into my heart. I look and smile softly at you, where you are screaming my name and crying.

I love you…

Epilogue

A troubled young lady jumps to her death this afternoon from the roof of a local high school. It is said that before she jumped, she took a bottle of poison of and used it; she also slit her wrists. When falling, a horrific twist of fate, her switchblade fell out and dug itself into her heart. This same young lady, who’s name had not been released, is said to have been the same one involved in a death that occurred a year and a half to the day. People who knew the girl wonder why she would do such a thing. Insiders report that her boyfriend had cheated on her. The boy was found lying dead with the girl. It is rumored that her last words where ‘I love you’. She was pronounced dead on arrival; More news on this tragedy later.

If only they knew the truth of this, the truth that she died for the one who helped bring her back to life. She was a martyr for her cause: love. She opened her soul to only one person, and his untruthfulness is what really killed her. The switchblade was just the embodiment of her broken heart. A cruel twist is the fact the love felt was true on both ends, she accepted him even though he was deeply abused. She made him feel wanted.

Paradise lost.