Mission Statement for my life

Why do I exist? I exist because I have the potential to change the world around me. I exist because I am capable of choosing how I will affect it. I exist to answer questions like this. I am here to make this existence better as much as I possibly can. I am here to decide what that is, and not hesitate in doing it. I exist to prove myself to an omnipotent and perfect being. I exist because I believe I can do some good in this world.

I always have to be right. I just do. If I am wrong, I am failing in my goal, and my life has no purpose. I chase after the dream that one day I will know for sure what I must do. Then, and only then, I will do everything humanly possible to pursue that goal, and I’ll be able to be proud of myself. Until that day, I am searching for any and all answers I lack. Of course, my ‘quest for knowledge’ includes much more than “what is the meaning of life” questions. I just like to know stuff. Studying everything around me is listed as a ‘melancholy’ trait, and often leads to over-thinking things, but I don’t know about all that: I just like to know stuff. As such I have an opinion on everything, and it is my duty to explain it to everyone I meet, so that they will at least decide what they believe is the truth. Being wrong, or not knowing if I’m wrong, is the worst thing that can happen to me. Why would I wish that on other people?

I’ve always believed in black and white. As a child my parents treated me fairly, like a sentient creature who was responsible for his own actions. As such I have a powerful sense of right and wrong. I understand wrongdoing as a weakness, and discipline as a strength, even when I choose the former. I think it is wrong to treat a child like they don’t know any better, because it establishes right and wrong as relative things. As you can see, I do little but think these days. I have seen so much to think about, I can hardly avoid thinking. If I just sit down and start typing, I will soon produce a long and jumbled string of thoughts. Maybe this is the best way to represent myself: to simply write, and let the reader take in as much of my essence as they care to. Besides, when I’m in this mode, I’m incapable of much else. So where do I start? Ah, yes…

I’ve disagreed with so many people, it’s not even funny, and the toll is looking to increase over the rest of my life. I’ve always had reasons to disagree with people, so I’ve argued almost everything I believe before. My way of proving my beliefs is to argue with other people. Once, when I was in third grade, someone asked me what eleven plus eleven was. I counted up two tens and a one, and said it was 21. We went around the school telling people eleven plus eleven was 21. Everybody told us we were wrong, but none of them said why. Eventually, I got frustrated and just said that if they didn’t tell me why I wouldn’t believe them. A girl several years older than me listened to my logic and explained that two eleven’s meant two one’s, so it was 22. I stopped telling people it was 21 after that. Years later, I am confident that I’ve ruled out most of the simple flaws in my beliefs by simply yelling them out and being proved wrong.

I wasn’t afraid of being weird. I should have been. Some people mature because circumstances demand it, but not most people. Most people mature because they feel that they should, they see those around them changing and feel they should too. They realize that people talk to them more, like to be around them more when they act mature. They decide that people around them are better than they are, and they need to become better people. I never came to that decision. When I moved to Colorado, the kids made fun of me because of my accent. I didn’t notice because the kids in England played rough anyway. I was used to it. As they matured and I didn’t, they began to see me as inferior. Kids are mean: from that moment on I could never be an equal in that school. People always say that they make fun of people because it makes them feel better about themselves. I always thought that was a stupid thing to say: the kids in England had fun fighting all the time! I admit now that it’s partly true, but I’d like to add that people just like to treat other people like crap. Sometimes there’s no ‘feel good’ side to bullying other than their sadistic nature. I didn’t know I was immature: They were a bunch of jerks, why would I want to be like them? They treated me badly whether I was mature or not, so I could never tell what was ‘mature’ and what wasn’t. My parents acted relaxed and silly at home, and serious at work. Of course I never saw them at work. My mom always used to tell me, “We’re so silly! Don’t take after us, okay?” I always wondered what she meant. Now I know. What it finally took for me to understand myself was to change schools. Moving several times when I was younger had given me a deep-seated fear of change. For once in my life, I cared what these people thought of me. I matured more socially during those first 6 months at JES than during my entire 5 years at RCA. In retrospect: man, that school sucked!

Well, I hope this rant-ish writing has given you a basic understanding of how I think, because trust me, all my thoughts are like that. I’ll try to sum this up with some more pertinent thoughts. When I was very young, just a toddler, my dad played with me every day, for hours on end. Everybody who saw me said what a wonderful child I was. Then my sister was born and we stopped playing, just like that. As my dad put it, I became a brat overnight. I still find it incredibly hard to obey rules and follow orders that refuse me enjoyment without a valid reason. Fortunately for everybody else, speed limits count as having a ‘valid reason’ to me. Mostly. Anyway, I believe that such concentrated fun so early in life, taken away so suddenly, has shaped my view of the world. My basic mental state is that fun is the way life should always be. I am very goal oriented; I am uncomfortable with the concept that I could be having more fun than I am now. On the bright side, I can entertain myself anywhere, if I have to; I have no problem waiting for long periods of time. On the other hand, if I could somehow be enjoying myself more, I will be driven by that thought until I achieve it. If you put a computer in front of me and ask me to read War and Peace for six hours straight, I will inevitably spend all six hours on the computer, unless I am scared of failure enough to force myself to read. If I am playing on the computer, and you try to tell me something I don’t care much about, I will inevitably ignore you until faced with the prospect of angering you by not turning around. I know subconsciously how long I can make you wait for how much anger, and I combine this with how much harm you can do me and weigh it against how much fun I’m having. As such, I would instinctively get up for my boss, but my sister can wait. Unless of course I want to use her gamecube later or I’ve made her wait lately and she’s getting impatient. It’s a network of logic.

Why do I write all this stuff? Because this is my mission right now. I want to speak every word that flashes through my mind, and weigh its value. “I want to know God’s thoughts. The rest are details.” –Albert Einstein. I want to know this world like the back of my hand, and I want to know the back of my hand pretty well. I want to improve the lives of others by making them think. I want to live an example for the world, that will inspire others to greatness in Christ. I want to be ready. I want to be able to say, “My time is right now, and I’m ready for it.” And if that time never comes, I’ll make it happen myself. I started out on this world with my ten talents, and I intend to return them tenfold.

Part two: Specifics.

I’m not a very specific person, by nature. My plans usually include liberal amounts of “We’ll figure that out when we get there.” I’ve decided on a few plans for my life, but most of what I look forward to is after they run out. They say life begins at sixty, but I hope to start sooner than that. What plans I have made I made only because without determination to meet a goal I know I’ll never make it in life. I’ve already started a long mental list I call my “Old, rich, and Eccentric List.” As you may have guessed, it consists of things I’ll do when I’m old, rich, and eccentric. I hear of so many things I want to try someday, and I just throw them on the list. It’s full of stuff crazy stuff I can’t remember right now, but it includes “Build a remote-controlled model harrier jet” and “write a thousand-page choose-your-own-adventure book.” It’s all good stuff. As for specifics, here’s what I got so far:

Occupation: I will be a robotics engineer. I enjoy creating robotic stuff, so I’m starting with that. I will be attending Colorado School of Mines for a special five-year master’s degree program, giving me a goal to work toward. I will live on campus, basking in the rich logic of young geniuses, and hopefully convert them in swaths. CSM is perfect for people like me, with a future somewhere in technology. It allows its students to see the different fields and decide which they like best. Many students change their major two or more times during their first two years, and it is quite possible that I will too.

Relationships: One of my least favorite questions in the whole wide world is, “What kind of friends do you think you’ll make?” My friends will all be people, of that I’m sure. Other than that, I don’t know! I find it thoroughly insulting to ask what kind of friends I will make. My decisions are mine alone, and I prefer to make them when they come up. Anyone asking what kind of friends I intend to make is obviously looking for a specific answer. “Don’t you think you should make good friends” is how people talk to little kids, imagining that somehow they can stop the kid from getting caught up in the wrong crowd. When that does happen, it is because they chose to join the ‘wrong crowd’ either by not recognizing it or wanting to join it anyway. Statements like, “Don’t you want to make good Christian friends?” probably encourage kids to make ‘bad friends’ more than ‘good friends.’ No amount of planning will prepare me to make friends, because real people don’t fit into categories that easily. This ties back in with my ‘waiting’ mentality. I realize it’s pointless to make specific plans right now, because I’d just ignore them anyway. What I can do is never stop trying to decide who I am and what I believe, so I’ll have what I need when I get out into the world.

This also pertains to deeper relationships. I was once asked what kind of girl I’d like to marry. I had no clue. I always like to have an answer ready for the big questions, so I spent forever thinking about it. I decided that I couldn’t know until I meet her. My one defining characteristic was that she had to be real. I refuse to list attributes, making a mold so I can go around seeing if any girls fit into that mold. My only requirement is that I know who she is, on the deepest levels, and that she knows who I am and accepts me. And we need to be able to live together indefinitely: divorce is not an option.

Money: I hear the word “materialistic” a lot; certainly a lot more than I care to. “Materialistic” really means “richer than me” much of the time, so it really bugs me. The concept of materialism is that people have lots of stuff, and they somehow shouldn’t. For a Christian, this is very true: our possessions are not our own, but God’s. We have an obligation to use it wisely. As for the rest of the world, they have no reason not to pursue wealth and luxury. I’d like to become rich and use my money for the Lord’s work, but I can’t really say if that’ll happen. I’d like to live a good life and retire early, but I can’t say if that’ll happen either. I intend to both have money and use it, in as large amounts as I can. Money may be the root of all evil, but it has the power to change the world, and that’s why I’m here.

Church: I go to church. I believe it is wrong to not go to church, because we as Christians need fellowship with other Christians. If you can get Christian fellowship elsewhere that’s fine, but I prefer a scheduled time to keep me from forgetting. The church funds missionaries and helps those in need (at least mine does) so it is one of the best ways to give money back to God. If it is God’s will, I will become more involved in the church, but as I said before I don’t know for sure yet.

Recreation/Entertainment: I’ve already explained about my personal weakness for fun. I do in fact intend to play computer games in my spare time, as well as many other forms of pointless amusement. I will use my time as best I can see to, and that includes a healthy dose of recreation.

Marriage and Family: I want to get married. That’s one of the few things I am certain of. I want to raise a family, and change the world in the single most important way: through my children.

This is the part where I turn the page and it says, “This mission statement should not be a ‘to do’ list you have to check off.” It would be a waste to delete what I have written, so I will let it live. I guess I almost prefer a ‘to do’ list. It’s not like I answer the question without sidetracking several times anyway. This next question reads, “List those things that are most important in your life. I have to say, my time is definitely the most important thing to me. Every day I haven’t lived yet is more precious to me than all the days of the past combined. I said a long time ago that I will have no regrets. The rest of my life is like a consolation prize for the life I’ve already lived. My goal in life is to hold nothing as sacred as my goal to change the world, so I can never lose it. If I died tomorrow, I would not be upset or disappointed. At least that’s what I want. I won’t know unless it happens, but I’m confident that I could give my life away for a worthy cause. The other important things to me are all people, people I know, people I live with, people I love. People are the best thing you could possibly care about, really. They fall under the category of things that will never go away. If the people I care about die, I will see them again. Why should I be sad if they die? The tragedy of death isn’t that the person is gone, it’s that the rest of their life is gone. Really, they never had any more life than God allowed to them, but there is a subconscious idea that they deserved more of life. On the other hand, given the chance I would gladly die in place of someone I’d never met before if I knew it would save their soul. That and I would argue Christianity for years if I could rescue someone’s eternity. Most people are heading to something worse than death, and it’s our jobs as Christians to stop that.