SCREWS: THE NEXT JAPANESE CRAZE

By

Malik Ming

FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM – DAY

Two American boys, one CHUBBY and the other SKINNY, sit down on the floor with bored expressions. Their American MOTHER comes into the room and notices.

MOTHER
Kids, what’s wrong?

SKINNY
We’re bored. The American
economy won’t make any new
toys.

CHUBBY
Yeah. All they have is G.I.
Bush and Cheney.

MOTHER
That’s okay. Because guess I
bought from the
Japanese ‘r’ Us market?

She pulls from behind her back a box of screws. Suddenly, the boys turn extremely happy.

BOTH BOYS
Alright! “Screws”!

CUT TO:

UNDER BRIGHT BLUE SCREEN—

NARRATOR (VO)
The creators who brought you
Pokemon-

A Pokemon creature fills the screen for a moment before it disappears.

NARRATOR (VO)
-Digimon-

A Digimon does the same thing.

2.

NARRATOR (VO)
-and Yu-Gi-Oh!-

A pack of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards and a Duel Monster repeat the action.

NARRATOR (VO)
-bring you another Japanese
craze that’s obviously the
direct effect of extreme
boredom. Introducing:
“Screws”!

A pack of ordinary-looking screws fills the screen.

NARRATOR (VO)
To Americans, these were just
little tools. But now, the
smarter-
(whisper)
-and apparently more
economical-
(normal)
-Japanese have turned this
into the source of extreme
pleasure and fun!

CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL – DAY

A bunch of American kids play with screws. A BOY WITH GLASSES walks up to the group.

BOY WITH GLASSES
Hey, what are you guys doing?

AMERICAN BOY
We’re screwing around, dude!
Wanna join us?

BOY WITH GLASSES
Totally!

He immediately grabs a screw and starts playing with it.

3.

NARRATOR (VO)
That’s right! Screwing around
is the new wave of child
entertainment! But they’re not
the only one’s enjoying it.
Watch this!

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET – DAY

An AMERICAN WOMAN walks down the street. An AMERICAN TEEN sneaks up behind her. He pokes her neck with a screw very hardly. She yelps in pain and then turns around. The teen laughs. The woman laughs as well.

AMERICAN WOMAN
Boy, you sure screwed me good!
You must really be good at
screwing people.

AMERICAN TEEN
I do it for a living.

AMERICAN WOMAN
Well, next time you want to
screw someone, just call me.

She gives him a slip of paper and winks at him.

AMERICAN TEEN
Okay!

NARRATOR (VO)
With “Screws”, you can screw
just about anybody. Friends.

INT. HOUSE – NIGHT

A bunch of teenagers poke each other with screws.

NARRATOR (VO)
Relatives.

INT. ANOTHER HOUSE – DAY

Little kids and their older siblings screw each other.

4.

NARRATOR (VO)
Parents.

EXT. MALL – DAY

A son and his mother poke each other with their screws.

NARRATOR (VO)
Or complete strangers without
having to worry about legal
suits.

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

Two gang members and a bum throw screws at each other and laugh.

NARRATOR (VO)
Or, if you don’t have anyone
to screw around with, just
screw yourself!

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

A ten-year-old boy sticks a screw into his hand. He laughs crazily.

NARRATOR (VO)
We don’t recommend that you do
it too much, or you’ll
possibly get brain damage. One
to two times a day is
reasonable.

EXT. CHURCH – DAY

A priest and a little boy poke each other with screws.

NARRATOR (VO)
It’s cool to play with screws.
Hell, priests screw around
with little boys all the time.
That’s how popular it is. But
“Screws” isn’t just about
entertainment. It’s about
connection.

5.

EXT. BUILDING – DAY

A MAN and his SON hug each other while staring at the camera.

NARRATOR (VO)
Their relationship was pretty
rough once. But one day, his
father screwed him, and now
they’re closer than ever.

BOY
Thanks for screwing me, dad!
It felt so cool!

MAN
No problem. Maybe you can screw
me tonight.

BOY
All right!

NARRATOR (VO)
Yes, “Screws” is doing
everyone some good. But
“Screws” isn’t just limited to
toys. They come in all kinds
of merchandise!

INSERT UNDER BLUE SCREEN--

A box that looks like a board game with Japanese written on the top.

NARRATOR (VO)
You can buy such games as:
“Family Screwed”!

INSERT--

Another almost identical board game appears.

NARRATOR (VO)
“Who Wants to Screw a
Millionaire?”!

6.

INSERT--

One more board game appears.

NARRATOR (VO)
And don’t forget that timeless
classic, “Screws and Hammers”!

INSERT--

A DVD box with Japanese writing and screws on it pops up.

NARRATOR (VO)
Here’s something for the
little ones! If you kids
really like the “Screws” toys,
then be sure to buy the first
episode of the hit animated
series: “Screws: Gotta Screw
‘em All!” The show also comes
on regular television, so you
can catch all the screwing
action!

INSERT--

The box of ordinary-looking screws returns.

NARRATOR (VO)
So, if your bored of all of
that other Japanese crap, then
buy “Screws”! Because
remember: if the Japanese made
it, the Americans will buy! So
order today!

FADE TO BLACK:

UNDER BLACK SCREEN—

“Disclaimer: The Japanese are not responsible for any American-related injuries. Protection is recommend for screwers under the age of 18. Thank you, and enjoy the screws!”

THE END