Chapter 1

“Mmm…I want you to do something for me.”

With this sentence time stops or I wish it would. Then I could away and become a traveling gypsy in Europe where I can drink and have all of the promiscuous sex that I want, far far away from my mother.

“Seth, are you listening? I just want you to vacuum the living room tomorrow, can you handle that?” My mother’s tone is not one of asking but of telling, of course I’ll be vacuuming the goddamn living room tomorrow. While I’m doing it I’ll be imagining gruesome yet fashionable ways to do away with my mother.

“Yea, yea don’t worry I am but a mere slave in this house, what would you like for dinner Massa? I’ll do the dishes too, just don’t whip me!” I come close to shouting near the end; my mother just smiles and pats me on the head.

“You’re such a good boy Seth.” I’ve been demoted from slave to dog, and I still have to vacuum the goddamn living room. I scowl at her.

“I am not your pet, don’t stroke me or pat me.” Her smile widens, I’m glad she’s so happy about this—I can always paper cut her eyeballs, then she won’t be too happy.

I’m waiting for her to leave my room, yet she stays in the same spot, looming over me while I lay on my comfortable queen sized bed. I thought our conversation was done? I sit up and point at my door.

“Leave.”

To my horror my command goes unnoticed; she sits down on the bed beside me. One day, I will have my revenge.

“I want to talk to you about something.” Oh fuck.

“What? Can we do it later?” What does she want from me?

She’s looking at me now, except it’s different from the way she usually does. Most of the time I am but an amusement that needs to be fed and watered, a cute golden retriever. Now she’s gazing at me with something akin to pity, with a hint of pride thrown in there. It’s strange.

“No we can’t, it won’t take long. I just want to tell you one thing.”

“Okay…and that would be?” Maybe this won’t be too mortifying.

“I know.” She says, as though it’s some cryptic message that only I can understand. Well, I don’t, what the fuck does she know?

“What?!”

“I know that you’re gay.” I am immediately disgusted, where has she gotten this idea? I am not gay.

“I’m not gay.”

“Yes you are.”

“I’m not.”

“Oh honey you have to be.”

“Why?”

Yes I really want to know, why I have to be gay.

“Because you’ve never had a girlfriend and you hang posters of Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen in your room.”

“I really like The Lord of the Rings, you know that!” I say exasperated.

“Yes but Seth…you have one taped to your ceiling above your bed” She’s pointing at my glorious poster of Legolas above me.

“So, that doesn’t mean anything.” Her eyes narrow.

“Of course it does.”

“Why?!” This is ridiculous, I’m not gay!

She sighs, “I’m not going to explain that to you, you know what I’m talking about.”

I’m guessing, just guessing, that my mother is insinuating that I masturbate to the picture above me, with the door locked of course, every night before I go to sleep. This is just NOT true. Legolas just happens to be above me, and I just happen to concentrate on him while I’m jerking off. Pure coincidence.

“No I don’t, but I’m sure it’s not true, whatever you’re thinking.”

She reaches to touch my cheek, and I sway her hand away. She is no mother of mine! I am not gay! Her expression is slightly down turned at my refusal of contact, but she’ll just have to get over it.

“Seth, I still love you, you’re my only son! My wittle-baby-boy!”

Has she forgotten that I’m seventeen and a junior in high school? I am not a ‘wittle-baby-boy’, I am a gorgeous sexy hunk of man flesh that everyone is after, and I’m definitely not ‘wittle’ if you get my drift.

“Don’t say that! Especially when we’re in public or I will hurt you. And I am not gay!” I say this with conviction.

She gives me a look that says ‘you poor boy you’re in denial but I’ll humor you anyways’, and she pats my knee.

“Stop with the petting mother.”

“You know you like it dear.”

“I do not.” She just smiles, it’s so annoying!

“Hey, why don’t we go out for lunch?”

“Will you be buying?”

She scoffs, “Of course.”

“Can we go to Pizza Hut?”

She looks slightly put off but agrees to go there anyway, because she loves me.

As we step out of the house I take in the nice breeze and warm weather. It’s a pleasant Saturday afternoon, but my sense of relaxation is corrupted by the sight of Josh and Claire in our front yard. They’re battling with plastic light sabers. They’re my best friends; or rather we’ve been forced to be in each others company since we were toddlers because we all live on the same street. I watch them run around our front yard, hitting each other and hope that my mother and I can make a clean getaway before they notice us.

“Stop hitting me in the butt!” Claire yells as Josh chases her, smacking her again in the afore mentioned area.

Josh laughs out loud and continues to chasing her. “I like your butt!” is his witty response.

I try to ignore them as me and my mother walk to her red Aztec parked in the driveway.

“Your friends really need to find another place to hang out besides our house.” Mother mutters to me when we are finally settled in the SRV. SRV stands for ‘Sports Recreational Vehicle’ but I like to pretend it really means ‘Seth’s Rockin’ Vehicle’ or ‘Sexual Revolution Vehicle’. Those are way more fun.

“I know but they both live right down the street, we could always put up an electric fence or something.” Actually, that’s a sweet idea. I can just see Josh attempting to scale the ten foot fence, him being the dumber and more outgoing of the two, and the moment he touches it he starts to seize and convulse, falling to the ground. Oh God, we have to get one of those.

As we’re backing out of the driveway Claire suddenly realizes that we’re going somewhere and makes a mad dash for the Aztec. Josh is following her, still smacking her on her backside.

“Go faster mother! Hurry they’re coming!” I nearly scream, more for dramatic effect than anything else.

“I’m trying! But Mrs. Peterson’s basset hound Gracie is in the way.” She says obviously frustrated. I look through the back window and there’s Gracie, moving slowly across the foot of our driveway. She’s old, fat and sluggish and right now she is trapping us. Mother honks the horn.

Claire reaches my door first, slamming into the window. Josh soon follows, and now they’re both banging on the window saying “Take us with you” and “Please, we’re bored” and “If you take me I’ll have sex with you!” and “Can we stop by Blockbuster on the way?”

I sigh and look at my mother, silently asking if they can come.

She gives me a look that says ‘you owe me’ and unlocks the back doors. I give them the thumbs up sign, and they crawl into the backseat.

“Thanks Judy, there’s like nothing to do today. So where are we going?” Josh is perched between me and mother. Why can’t he choose a window seat like a normal person?

“We’re going to Pizza Hut.”

“I don’t have much money,” Claire squeaks from the seat behind me.

My mother shakes her head “Don’t worry about it; I’m buying for all of you. You’re both practically my kids anyway.

Claire giggles, girls and their giggling! “Thanks! I’d rather live at your house. My parents are old and boring.”

“What about your little brother?” Josh asks.

“What little brother?” she says confused.

Josh sighs, “You know, the ten year old terror that lives in your house. I don’t see how you could forget about him, especially when he looks like a pink bubble gum ball.”

“Oh that, he’s just some homeless child my parents felt sorry for, I’m trying to get them to kick him out, he’s overstayed his welcome.” Claire has a general dislike of her brother, and it’s completely understandable. Trevor thinks it’s funny to stick corn up his nose and then shoot it at you from across the dinner table. I know this from personal experience.

“Has Gracie moved out of the way?” Mother asks as she turns around to look. I look also. Gracie has barely made it to our lawn, but she’s no longer in danger of being killed.

“Yeah, but one day you should just run over her.”

Mother looks disgusted, “And get dog guts all over my car? I think not!”

“Come on, let’s get going! I love Pizza Hut!” Whines Josh.

“Can we bring in the light sabers Judy?!” Claire pleads.

“No, they stay in the car. They hate us as it is at Pizza Hut.”