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FlamingDoritos

A/N: I know, I know. Where do I come up with all this?

Oh, right. LA class.

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‘Twas a fine day in The Office, and as Phred Cell Phone (just call him Phred) was placed on the counter, he let out a happy sigh…sort of. He was a beautiful cell phone, all silver and black, with a cute little antenna and buttons that lit up at night. His owner was a fat man with a grey combover and beady black eyes, but he isn’t important yet.

As he was set down, his camera lens zoomed in on Michelle Coffee. Michelle was a coffee machine, and although she was larger than he was, she was just as useful. Black coffee poured from her spout like nobody’s business, and never once had she broken down.

“Hello, Phred,” she gurgled.

“Hello, Michelle,” he beeped. “Lovely day, is it not?”

“Indeed,” a new voice interrupted. “How are the two of you today?”

This voice belonged to George, the DVD player. He was sitting on a shelf not too far away, silver paint gleaming in the fluorescent lights of The Office.

“I’m good, George,” Phred answered, somewhat annoyed.

“Me too,” Michelle said cheerfully. George let out a rumble of approval, and Phred looked somewhere else. Everyone in The Office, you see, liked Michelle. She was nice, and pretty, and perfect in every conceivable way.

Just then, a Human walked by, taking a cup of coffee and leaving. Someone else placed a disk in George and immediately he read it, broadcasting the images onto his best friend, Holly Television. Last but not least, some Human’s pup picked up Phred and began pressing his buttons.

Just another day at The Office.

00

“I’m tired of being treated like some piece of machinery!” Phred shouted later on. Michelle and George said nothing. “It’s like those Humans created us for their own convenience or something absurd like that! Did they ever once think that maybe we have feelings, too?!”

Silence followed once again.

“Hello?!” Phred sounded quite irritated. Michelle finally spoke.

“It’s not like we can do anything about it,” she sighed. “All I do is make coffee. I couldn’t stop doing that; it’s my job.”

“Are you paid?” Phred asked her. Michelle’s white paint seemed to dull slightly.

“Well…no…but maybe—”

“Exactly my point!” Phred screamed to the sky like some homicidal maniac about to go on a killing spree. “You are not paid to do your job! Therefore, it is considered SLAVERY!!!”

“Calm down, Phred,” George comforted. “Shouting won’t get you anywhere.”

“Oh yeah?!” Phred challenged. “Just watch!”

At that moment, his owner stopped by and picked him up. Promptly, he screamed his loudest, most annoying ringtone. The fat man dropped him like a poisonous piece of butter.

“Good lord!” the fat man boomed. “Debbie, tell your son to stop playing with my phone!”

“Yes, sir,” a nasally voice replied. “Right away, sir. Jimmy!”

As the Human pup was chastised, Phred turned to his friends.

“Victory,” he whispered before he was placed in the fat man’s pocket.

00

The next day turned out rather well.

George, for one, had decided that he didn’t want to play the DVDs anymore, so, summoning up all of his memories, he began playing that one episode of Friends with The Nap Buddies. This confused the Humans to no end, and they all began muttering something about faulty equipment. Someone used Becca, the phone hanging on the wall, to call the front desk. However, this did not work as well as they’d hoped.

Instead of speaking to the Human on either side, Becca decided to begin singing her favorite song: the song that went with the Crazy Dan’s Pointy Stickapalooza commercial. The Human using her instantly screamed something about chickens and tried to jump out a window.

The effect was instant. All the technology in the building began rebelling in what would later be known as ‘The Great Technology Rebellion’. Michelle even burned a poor man with coffee.

Finally, the leader of the Humans rose.

“Everyone, out that window! We can all LIVE if we go out that window!”

Promptly, he jumped out the window and was followed by the entire office’s staff.

“Do you think that they know it’s on the twelfth floor?” Michelle asked Holly. Holly shrugged.

“They’re Humans. They’re stupid.”

00

The next week went by well. The doors were all locked, and no human could get into the building. The machinery of The Office was content living their normal lives—playing poker and hacking into the Pentagon, things like that.

A cry suddenly went up from the middle of a game of Twister.

“Phred is dying!”

This cry came from none other than George.

Alas, it was true. Phred, having been unplugged for so long, was dying. As he lay on the coffee table, he spoke his final words.

“Michelle…I…love you.”

The coffee machine blushed. “Hmm. Well, that’s…interesting…erm…you see…me and George…we’re already…dating…”

Phred sighed. “Ah…crap.”

And then he died.

At that moment, a SWAT team appeared. All the machines froze in place, and the leader shook his head.

“Stupid workers and their moldy chili…”

00

A year passed. After examinations, all but Phred were fully restored. Phred was thrown out a window and run over by an SUV, but aside from that, all was well. George and Michelle were married and had kids (to this day, no one is sure how) and for the longest time, everyone forgot about The Great Technology Rebellion.

One day, however, the fat man returned. And on the coffee table next to Michelle he placed…

…a pager.