Disclaimer: I DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS!!! THE CHARACTERS ARE MINE, ALL MINE!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA-gets dragged off by the men in the white coats

Title: Why You Should Never Eat Easter Candy and Drink Coffee at the Same Time AKA Ronald and Jenniferette

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Because Romeo and Juliet is nothing but old English porn. And because Sophie had one too many coffees and pieces of Easter candy this morning.

Warnings: mild language, some violence and, of course, crack, crack, and more crack!

TEH BEGINNING.

Once upon a time in a city called Ouagadougou, located in a country called Djibouti that is not the African country but actually a country in a galaxy far, far away that just so happens to have the same name as the one here on earth, there lived two families; the Crapulets and the Montapoos.

Now, these two families had been feuding for years and years. Their fighting went so far back that they couldn’t even remember what is was they were fighting about. If you asked most people, it had something to do with ‘romance, suspense, and a murder most foul.’ But alas! That was complete bullocks. The Crapulet/Montapoo feud had started between two little girls over who got the white lily in her crown of flowers. Most people would think that this problem would have solved itself, but unfortunately this whole thing took place during the Middle Ages, when people were still stupid and bitch fights tended to get way out of control and ended up not just between the two females but their families too, because medieval people were just stupid and war-happy and murderous like that. Anyway, the point is, these two families were fighting over something really stupid that they couldn’t even remember, and people died every year for absolutely no reason at all, so by the end of this tragic, tragic tale, they shall receive their just desserts in having to move on in life without their beloved children.

Well, no, not really, because then that would actually be following the original story line somewhat. And we just can’t have that now can we?

But, moving on! So, one fine summer day in the northern hemisphere, a little girl went out to play and got… THE PLAGUE!!!! DUN DUN DUN!!! But since Ouagadougou is located in the southern hemisphere, where it is winter and bitter cold, we’ll be focusing on that type of weather. Yay.

On this particular day, a group of Crapulets and Crapulet servants, headed by the evil Tim Crapulet whose sole goal in life was to kill all the Montapoos, were fighting their way through a desperate blizzard, when all the sudden a group of Montapoos, headed by the very stoic ‘I-don’t-give-a-crap’ Benny Montapoo, happened to cross their path! OH MEH GOD, TEH BLOODSHED!!! No, just kidding. For now.

“What are you doing here?” Tim hissed. “This is Crapulet country.”

And Benny was like ‘No.’

“Well, aren’t you going to answer me?” Tim asked.

And Benny was like ‘No.’

“Fine then! Put up your sword and fight me!” Tim said, getting frustrated.

And Benny was like ‘No.’

“FINE! BE THAT WAY!! I’LL JUST KILL ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE!!! ATTACK!!!” Tim screamed and all the Crapulets and Montapoos began fighting, except for Benny who just stood there being stoic. Or he might have been frozen. After all, it was still extremely cold outside. In fact, it was so cold and there was so much snow, the fighting parties could barely fight! They just kinda stood there in the snow and swung their swords at each other in a futile effort to kill people.

Unfortunately, the fact remained that they were still fighting, and suddenly, the Prince of Ouagadougou, who shall henceforth be known as Bob, rode up on his pretty white horsie and yelled at the fighting people, “OI!!! ALL OF YOU STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!!!” And since Bob was a prince, they had to listen to him, so they stopped fighting.

“Now, all of you listen! I am sick and tired off riding around town and constantly seeing you people trying to kill each other! From now on, if you fight with each other in public again, you will receive the death penalty! Is that clear?”

Tim smirked. “What’s so bad about that? I don’t fear death,” he said since Tim thinks he is oh-so-cool (even though he’s not).

“Fine. Then I will… Banish you all to the America on Earth where you will have to serve under President Bush for the rest of your life!!!!” Bob cackled evilly. “And you can never come back!!!”

“OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” everyone screamed, because that was a fate worse than death. “WE WON’T FIGHT!! WE PROMISE!!!”

“Good,” said Bob. “That settles that problem…” And just then, the heads of the houses, Montapoo and Crapulet and their wives came to the scene of the fight. Bob informed them of the new law and then went on his merry little way. The Crapulets left also, not wanting to be near the Montapoos anymore; not because they feared them or anything, but because Tim didn’t exactly have the self-control to stop himself from starting another fight. In fact, they had to drag Tim away kicking and screaming. But that’s irrelevant. For now.

“Benny, can I talk to you for a minute?” asked Montapoo. “It’s about my son, Ronald.”

Benny nodded. He doesn’t like talking very much.

“Good. He’s been very down in the dumps lately. I was wondering if you could help cheer him up,” Montapoo asked.

Benny stared at him like he was crazy.

“I know you may not be the best person for the job, but you are his favorite cousin,” Montapoo said. “And he likes ranting about things to you since you never say anything.”

Benny nodded. He had a point there. So he gave Montapoo this look that said, ‘Okay, I’ll do it,’ and went off to find Ronald as Montapoo and Lady Montapoo left.

Ronald was by the lake. It had stopped snowing and the wind had stopped blowing, but it was still freezing, so he was wearing his toasty warm Mr. Marshmallow jacket. It was white and fluffy and soft, just like a giant boob, er, I mean, marshmallow!!! It was also impossible to see against the snow, so Benny didn’t find Ronald until he tripped over him.

“Ow! Benny, what was that for?” Ronald complained. Benny just gave him this look like ‘That was so your fault.’

Ronald sighed. “Yeah, whatever. Did my dad send you here?”

And Benny was like ‘Yeah.’

“I thought so. I’ve been so down lately…” Ronald sighed. “There’s this really hot girl named Ruberta that I like, but she doesn’t like me back!”

And Benny was like ‘Why?’

“Because she’s sworn to chastity, or something like that! And she’s not even a nun or anything!” Ronald complained.

And Benny was like ‘oO WTF?’

“It’s not fair! I like her so much, and she doesn’t like me!! I hate my life! I want to die right now!” And Ronald started crying like a blubbering baby. Except even more pathetic than that.

And Benny was like ‘Oh, great’…

Meanwhile, at Castle Crapulet!

“Lord Crapulet, I beg you, let me marry your daughter!” said Pickleton, the County. “She’s so very pretty, and I need a wife, and you guys are so rich, I mean, nice…”

“She’s only thirteen!” said Crapulet. “What do you want to marry a 13-year-old for?”

Pickleton was silent. “… Because I’m a really horny young man…?” he offered.

Crapulet considered. “Well… Maybe. I have to see. Could you possibly wait until she’s fourteen?”

“NO!! I WANT HER NOW!!!” Pickleton screamed.

“Alright, alright, sheesh… I think about it,” Crapulet said. “In the mean time, I invite you to my party tonight! All the most important people in the city will be there!”

“And what are you having a party for?” Pickleton asked.

“Because I feel like it. Rich people can do that you know,” Crapulet said wisely. “Servant!”

A servant came running up. “Yes, milord?”

“Here, take this list that I just so happen to have and invite all these people to my party tonight!” Crapulet said, giving the servant the list.

“But sir, it’s started sowing again-“

“DO AS I SAY OR I SHALL HAVE YOU KILLED!!” screamed Crapulet. The servant cowered and ran off.

“… Do you have an anger management problem or something?” Pickleton asked.

“Yes. Yes I do,” Crapulet said.

Pickleton sighed. “Wonderful…”

And now back to Benny and Ronald! Who is still acting like a sniveling idiot over Ruberta!

“It’s just not fair!” Ronald sniffed. “Why would anyone want to take a vow of chastity if they weren’t a nun?”

And Benny was like ‘Search me, I don’t know.’ He reached over and awkwardly patted Ronald on the back.

Ronald sniffed again. “Thanks. I needed that. Now, let’s go home; it’s started snowing again…”

And just then, the Crapulet servant came strolling along. Except he wasn’t really strolling; it was more like trudging, because the snow was so deep. And he was very unhappy because even though Crapulet had given him a list of invitees to the party, the servant was… ILLITERATE!!! DUN DUN DUN!!!

“Oh my god, I am so screwed… I can’t read this list!” the servant whimpered. Luckily for him, Ronald and Benny heard him! So now they could help!

“Do you need some help?” Ronald asked. The servant looked at him.

“Yes. I can’t read, and my master has given this list of party invitees to me, and I have to go tell them they’re invited! But, obviously, I can’t read the list! Could one of you read it for me?”

And Benny was like ‘No.’ But Ronald said, “Sure, I’d be happy to!” Isn’t he nice?

Ronald looked at the list and read it out loud. “Mr. Muckword and his wife and daughters… County Asinine and his sexy sisters… The lady widow of Vilbor the Viking… Mr. Potty and his hot nieces… Mud and his brother Victoria… Mine uncle Crapulet, and his wife and daughters… My fair nieces Ruberta and Lulu… Mr. Vucker and his cousin Tim… Larson and the uber sexy Haroldwina.” He looked at the servant. “Sure are a lot of people. Who’s hosting this party?”

“My master, Lord Crapulet,” said the servant. “And if you’re not Montapoos, you’re welcome to attend. Now, I must be off!” And he grabbed the list and frolicked off.

“What do you think? Would anyone notice that we’re Montapoos?” Ronald asked.

And Benny was like ‘Maybe, but who cares?’

“So do you think we should go?”

And Benny was like ‘Yeah.’

Ronald smiled. “Alright then! We’ll go with Mud!” And he was happy because Ruberta would be there, and maybe he could get her to change her mind about him! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Benny was secretly thinking that hopefully Ronald would meet another girl at the party and forget about Ruberta. Which actually did happen. BUT IT ENDED IN DISASTER!!!!! But you’re not supposed to know about that yet, so moving on…

Meanwhile, at Castle Crapulet…

“Jenniferette!” Lady Crapulet called. “Oh, Jenniferette!”

Jenniferette’s nurse, who shall henceforth be known as Olga, came to Lady Crapulet. “What is it that you desire, madam? Jenniferette is in her room.”

“I wish to tell her about County Pickleton. He’s made a marriage proposal!” Lady Crapulet whispered excitedly. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

“She’s a bit young to be getting married, don’t you think?” said Olga.

“Yes, but she’s turning fourteen soon! She’ll be old enough by then!” said Lady Crapulet. “Besides, my husband hasn’t decided yet; she’ll have plenty of time to grow.”

“Ah, yes, that makes much more sense!” said Olga. “Come on, let’s go tell her!” And so they went to Jenniferette’s room.

“Jenniferette, dear, I have something wonderful to tell you!” Lady Crapulet told her daughter. “County Pickleton has asked for your hand in marriage! Isn’t that exciting?”

Jenniferette blinked. “I’m only thirteen…” she said awkwardly.

“Yes, but you’ll be fourteen in two weeks! So, what do you think of him? Do you think he would make a good husband?” Olga said.

Jenniferette was quiet for a minute. “I’ve never really thought about it,” she answered finally. “But I suppose if you like him, I’ll consider it…”

“Wonderful!” Lady Crapulet said. “You’ll see him at the party tonight! Now go get ready!” And she sauntered off to go get fancy for the party.

Later that night, with Mud…

“I had a really weird dream last night,” Ronald said conversationally. It had stopped snowing, so they were able to trudge through the streets without getting windblown. “And I’m so heartbroken. Ruberta doesn’t love me!”

“Oh, shut up!” said Mud. “Ruberta this, Ruberta that… Is that all you can talk about? And also, dreams are for losers.”

Ronald huffed indignantly. “They are not!”

“Oh, of course not!” said Mud. “Silly me! They’re brought to you in the night by a dream fairy, who rides her chariot with the little golden ponies across men’s throats and over their noses! She touches you with her magic wand and sends visions into your head, so while you are asleep you may be content! But sometimes she gives you bad dreams, because she wants a little variety. And then when daylight comes, she goes away, to return the next night.”

Everyone stared at him like he crazy. Which he probably was.

“Mud, have you been getting into the medicine cabinet again…?” asked Ronald.

Mud glared. “Of course not!”

And Benny was like ‘Right…’

“C’mon, let’s go before it starts snowing again,” Mud said. So they all continued on their merry way to Castle Crapulet.

The party was very standard… Except that it was a masquerade! So the Montapoos could get inside without anyone knowing who they were! Joyous wonders! Now they could get jiggy with it! Singing Na na na nana na, getting’ jiggy with it… Now they could waltz with all the lovely maidens!

Ronald was gazing around the crowds, looking for his dearest Ruberta, when his eye caught another girl. His jaw dropped. SHE WAS FRICKIN’ SEXY!!! She was petite, but with nice big boobs, and pretty blonde hair, and pink rosy cheeks, and pale skin, and looked just like a princess, and oh my god boys are so shallow, and Jenniferette is such a Mary-Sue it makes me wanna gag.

Anyway!...

“Oh, my god,” Ronald breathed. “She is… Hawt. Just freakin’ hawt. I’ve gotta have her! She shall be mine, my precious… Yesssssss, my precious…” he hissed creepily, causing people to back away from him slowly. “You there! Who’s that pretty girl over there?” he asked a servant who hadn’t gotten away fast enough.

“Um… I dunno…”

“WHAT D’YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW?! YOU WORK HERE, DON’T YOU!?!?!” Ronald screamed, causing the servant to cower in fear. Again. But unknown to either of them, there was a second person watching them…

Random person: Second?! Who’s the first?!

Me: Uh, Sanata Claus? DUH!!

Random person: oO WTF? SANTA?! He’s not real!

Little Children: YES HE IS, DAMNIT!!!! proceed to beat the hell out of random person

Moving on then!

Tim, the horrible, evil, mean, nasty Crapulet that liked to fight and kill people overheard Ronald screaming. “Oh my god!” he whispered to himself. “That’s a Montapoo! How dare he defile the house of Crapulet! I’ll show him not to mess with us! Fetch me my rapier, boy!” he commanded his page.

“But sir, we’re in the middle of a party…”

“I SAID FETCH ME MY RAPIER DAMNIT!!!” Tim screamed, and the poor frightened page quickly went off.

“Tim, what’s all the commotion?” Crapulet asked as he came up. “I thought I said no screaming or killing at the party!”

“Uncle, that person over there! He’s Ronald Montapoo, the son of your dreaded enemy!” Tim explained.

Crapulet gave him a look. “So…?”

“So? We must kill him!”

“… Why…?”

“Because he’s a Montapoo, and he’s defiled the House of Crapulet!” Tim said furiously.

“Oh Tim, stop being stupid,” Crapulet said. “It’s a party! People are supposed to relax! Let him go and have fun; you can kill him later.”

“But I need to quench my bloodlust!” Tim whined.

Crapulet sighed. “Fine, fine, go murder the chickens in the kitchen. But that’s all.”

Tim pouted, but since he needed to slake his bloodlust, he obeyed and went to go murder the poor innocent chickens and turn them into Chicken McNuggets. Except not really. Because Chicken McNuggets don’t actually have real chicken in them.

And now for something completely different: a man with three buttocks AKA Ronald.

Ronald had fought his way through the crowd over to the sexy girl and took her by the hand. “You’re very pretty,” he said, and kissed her. And then let out a scream as she karate-chopped him in the balls and then threw him to the floor and proceeded to beat the crap out of him for sexually assaulting her.

No, not really. She just blushed and said, “Thank you, but I don’t even know you. Don’t you think you’re moving a little too fast?”

“Ah, but you’re so pretty, I can’t help myself! I’ve got to have you! Say you’ll be mine!” Ronald begged. Jenniferette (because that’s who the pretty girl was: a thirteen year old) blinked.

“… How old are you?” she asked.

“Sixteen, why?” Ronald answered curiously.

“Ah. That explains it,” she said, because everybody knows that teenage boys are controlled solely by their hormones and, in that age period, become the stupidest creatures on earth. “Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt to like you…”

“Jenniferette!” Olga called. “It’s your bedtime!”

Jenniferette groaned. “Coming, Nurse!” She turned to Ronald and he kissed her again. “I must go!” She left.

“No, wait! Come back! I HAVEN’T GOTTEN LAID YET!!!” Ronald screamed and started bawling again. On the plus side, we can now assume that he has gotten over Ruberta. Benny’s plan worked! Yay!

“Nurse, who was that boy?” Jenniferette asked. Olga glared at him.

“His name is Ronald Montapoo, son to your father’s sworn enemy. So don’t get any funny ideas,” she warned. It was already too late for that, however.

“Oh no! That’s not fair!” Jenniferette said as she stepped into her room. “It’s just not fair! IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!!! WHY IS MY LIFE SO MISERABLE?!?! I HATE EVERYONE!!!” And she flung herself down onto her bed and had a typical teenage girl tantrum. Olga just sighed and left.

Now, any normal person, after realizing the person they liked was their enemy, would’ve done the normal thing and forgot about them. But since Ronald is a complete lunatic ruled by his teenage hormones, he was not going to give up, no siree Bob! So, after the party, he told Mud and Benny to go on without him, and he snuck back into Castle Crapulet!! Right outside Jenniferette’s window! OH MEH GOD, TEH STUPIDNESS!!

“I can’t believe he’s ditching us!” Mud said as they watched Ronald leave.

And Benny was like ‘Whatever.’

Back outside Jenniferette’s window…

“It’s still not fair…” Jenniferette huffed. “I don’t see why this whole feud thing is such a big deal anyway.”

“Hey, Jenniferette!” Ronald called, since he had magically learned her name.

“Ronald?”

“Yeah!”

“What’re you doing here? Do you know what Tim will do to you if anyone catches you?!” she asked.

“Uh, no, but I get the feeling I probably wouldn’t want to anyway,” Ronald said.

Jenniferette sighed. “Yeah, you’re right… But what are doing here?”

“I had to tell you how much I love you!”

“… You’ve known me for two hours…”

“Yes, but I love you anyway! I want to make you my wife! Will you marry me?” Ronald asked.

Now, since Jenniferette is a teenage girl, she dreams about having a boyfriend, and will jump at the chance to get one. And Ronald was asking her to marry him! It was so romantic and sweet that Jenniferette just couldn’t resist! And now she could brag to all her friends and be better than everyone else, which is always a plus.

“Take this ring,” she said, pulling a ring off her finger and handing it to him. “I’ll send word of when to meet me tomorrow.”

“Jenniferette! Bedtime!” Olga called.

“Just a minute!” She reached down and kissed Ronald. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Send someone at nine in the morning,” Ronald said.

“Alright! I love you!” she said.

“I love you too!” He kissed her again and they parted ways. Ronald managed to get out of Castle Crapulet without too much trouble. We’re just going to ignore the five servant boys he had to kill.

“I’ve got to talk to Friar Larry!” Ronald decided. “He’ll help me, I know he will!” And he frolicked off merrily because he was in love, and when people are in love they frolic.

And for the record, it has magically stopped being winter, because I don’t like it anymore. It’s too hard to write.

The next morning, Friar Larry was carefully tending to his plant that could produce toxic poisons and kill people so fast they were dead before they knew it, when Ronald popped in.

“Good morning, Friar!” he chirped happily. Friar Larry stared at him.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

“What d’you mean, what’s wrong with me?”

“You’re a teenager; you’re not supposed to be happy in the mornings!” Friar Larry said.

“Oh! Well, I had wonderful time last night with a girl, so I’m happy!” Ronald beamed.

“You had sex with Ruberta?!” the Friar yelled.

“NO! I met another girl, and I asked her to marry me! But I didn’t get laid…” Ronald said. “Nerts…”

“You asked her to marry you?! What in god’s name are you thinking?!” Friar Larry said. “How old is she?”

“Thirteen.”

“THIRTEEN?!”

“Yes, but its okay! Jenniferette loves me and I love her, so we’re going to get married!” Ronald said.

Friar Larry had to take deep, calming breaths, because he had just about had a heart attack. Finally he asked, “You mean Jenniferette Crapulet?”

“Yup! Will you marry us, Friar?” Ronald asked with big puppy dog eyes that made him look like a mutant, because only a handful of people can do puppy dog eyes and actually look cute.

Friar Larry considered. On one hand, marrying a thirteen year old and a sixteen year old who had known each other for one night was crazy, even back in medieval times!! But on the other hand, if he did marry them, the families might stop fighting! And there would be parades and picnics and frolicking in the flowers with peace and harmony forever! Everything would be happy!

Obviously, Friar Larry is smoking some of those toxic plants of his. But regardless, he said, “Alright, I’ll do it.”

“Excellent! Can you do it tonight?” Ronald asked.

He sighed. “Fine…”

“Oh thank you, Friar, thank you, thank you!” Ronald cried happily and he pranced off.

Friar Lawrence shook his head. “Weirdo.”

Meanwhile, somewhere, with Benny and Mud…

“Did you hear what Tim did?” asked Mud.

And Benny was like ‘No.’

“He sent a letter to the head of the Montapoo house.” Mud grinned. “He wants to duel with Ronald. Said he offended him and violated the house of Crapulet, or something like that.”

Benny raised an eyebrow and was like ‘Why?’

“Dunno. He’s like a cat, that one. Always prancing around, acting all high and mighty, and throwing hissy fits when he doesn’t get his way.” Mud laughed, and Benny looked amused but you couldn’t quite tell because for Benny, amused and depressed have exactly the same facial expression. Which is none at all.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was a woman!” laughed Mud, and then stopped suddenly. Tim did look a little effeminate… And he did tend to act like he was PMSing once a month… And Mud could’ve sworn he saw a slight bosom on him once… OH MEH GOD!!! TIM REALLY WAS A W- And at that moment Ronald came bounding up to them, happy as could be, and Mud’s train of thought was lost and we shall never speak of this thought process again. Ever.

“Oh, I’ve had the most wonderful night!” Ronald exclaimed happily. “It was filled with love and happiness as I’ve never known before! I don’t think anything could spoil my mood!”

Mud raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like you got laid pretty well.”

And Benny was like ‘Yeah’ and ‘So help me god, if it was with Ruberta…’

“No, I didn’t get laid! I wish I had though… Anyway, the point is, I’m in love, and I’ve never felt better in my life!” Ronald said.

“Weirdo,” said Mud.

Ronald glared at him. “Better than being stuck-up.”

“At least I’m not a woman.”

“At least I actually have a girlfriend – you haven’t been laid in years.”

“That’s not true!”

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

And they continued on in this amazing battle of wits while Benny was like ‘You’re both so immature.’ And then Olga came! With word from Jenniferette! Oh, happy days! But first… Mud must antagonize her! And Benny! Except that Benny just sits there like a tree and does nothing, even when he’s bribed with candy. So, yeah, it’s just Mud.

Moving on then!

“Well, hello, hello, hello!” Mud said as the Nurse approached. “What brings you to us on this fine day, Madam?”

“I seek Ronald,” Olga said. “Is he here?”

“Yes, he is,” Mud said slyly. “But forget about him… If you’re looking for a good time I’ll show you…”

Olga’s eye twitched. “What did you just say, sir?”

“I said I’ll show you a good time – OW!!!!! OH MY GOD THE PAIN!!!!” Mud screamed as Olga rammed her purse with the brick in it into his crotch and he keeled over in pain. Olga does not like perverts and hormonal teenage boys.

So she walked up to Ronald, and began talking to him. And Benny was looking at Mud and was like ‘You deserved that.’

“What’s wrong with him?!” Olga hissed. “I don’t appreciate being hit on by a boy half my age!”

Ronald laughed nervously. “Uh… He was just joking around… He does that with women… Anyway, what did Jenniferette tell you?”

Olga eyed him suspiciously. “She asked me to tell her when she should meet you again.”

“Today, at Friar Larry’s cell. He said he’ll marry us!” Ronald said excitedly and started jumping up and down like a hyper-active three-year-old. “I CAN’T WAIT!!!”

Olga raised an eyebrow. “I can see that…”

Later, at Castle Crapulet, in Jenniferette’s room…

“Oh, I hope Olga come back quickly!” she said. “I can’t wait to see Ronald again! He’s so dreamy…” Which was a lie, because Ronald looked no different than an average teenage boy. Which is not dreamy, let me tell you. I know from experience. “We’re going to get married and have a house, and a horse, and a farm, and ten children…”

“Jenniferette, me dear! I’m back!” Olga said as she stepped into the room.

“Oh, good! What did Ronald say?” Jenniferette asked, smiling. Olga sighed.

“Child, I’m a little out of breath… Give me a minute…” she said.

“But you’re talking, so you can’t be out of breath!”

“Well, I am.”

“No, you’re not! Please, tell me, what did Ronald say?” pleaded Jenniferette.

“Now, now, dear, not so eager… I’m tired and aching… I need to rest…” Olga sat down in a chair and relaxed. “These old bones of mine can only take so much. Give me a minute.”

“I DON’T WANT TO GIVE YOU A MINUTE!!!” Jenniferette screamed, since there’s only so long a teenage girl can wait for word from her true love. “I WANT TO KNOW WHAT RONALD SAID NOW, AND SO HELP ME GOD WOMAN IF YOU DON’T TELL ME I WILL BEAT YOU TO A PULP, AND THEN SEND YOU ALL THE WAY TO NEXT WEEK!!!!” Olga cowered in fear. Crapulets must have anger management problems.

“Alright, alright! He said to meet him at Friar Larry’s cell. He’ll marry the two of you,” she said.

“Oh, thank you, Olga,” Jenniferette exclaimed, smiling happy and throwing her arms around Olga’s neck. “This is the happiest day of my life!”

Olga sighed. Crapulets must have bi-polar disorders too…

Later that night, at Friar Larry’s cell…

“Are you ready, my dear?” Ronald asked, taking Jenniferette by the hand and smiling at her.

She smiled back, “I’m ready, my husband-to-be. Lead the way.” Ronald smiled and kissed her.

“I still can’t believe I’m marrying a thirteen year old…” muttered Friar Larry.

Meanwhile, on a street somewhere…

“Where did Ronald go?” asked Mud.

And Benny was like ‘I don’t know.’

“Well, whatever. Want to have an argument?”

And Benny was like ‘No.’

“Please? It’ll be fun!”

And Benny was like ‘No.’

“C’mon; I’ve got nothing better to do! Say somethiiiiiing…” Mud whined. Benny pointed down the street. Mud looked and saw Tim and some other Crapulets coming towards them. “Oh goody, now I can fight!” he said happily.

And Benny was like ‘… Freak.’

“Mud! Benny! Where’s Ronald? I must fight with him!” Tim said, with that blood-lusty look in his eyes.

“I don’t know,” said Mud. “Why do you want him?”

And Benny was like ‘Go. Away. NOW.’

“I want to fight him! He has wronged the house of Crapulet!” Tim yelled. Just then… RONALD SHOWED UP!!! STILL IN HIS WEDDING CLOTHES!!! WHICH WERE… Actually, he didn’t have special wedding clothes. That’s what you get for marrying someone less than a day after you meet them.

“Ah, there you, Ronald!” Tim said, drawing his sword. “Come, fight me!”

“But why?” said Ronald. “I’ve never done anything to you, or the house of Crapulet!”

“I don’t care! I hate all Montapoos! And I shall see to it that they are killed! Now fight me!” Tim said, drawing closer.

“Leave him alone!” Mud said, stepping in front of Ronald and putting up his own sword. “You’ve got no right to hurt him!”

“No! Please, stop fighting!” Ronald said. But since it was two teenage males about to duel, hormones and ego were flying through the air and there was no way anything was going to be able to stop them now. Except if a gorgeous naked girl ran down the street. Which she did, but they didn’t notice. Oh dear.

“Move, Mud! My quarrel is with Ronald, not you!” Tim said. “But, if you insist… LET’S FIGHT!! MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS, TRANSFORM!!” And there were flashy lights and Tim got into a machine that came out of nowhere and magically put on a Green Power Ranger Suit! “My Dino power will defeat you!”

“Oh yeah? Well, take this! SUPER MOON CRYSTAL POWER!!!” And there was pretty girly flashing lights and hearts and Japanese women singing where Mud was seen sexily and magically putting on a Sailor Moon Suit! “In the name of the Montapoos, I shall punish you!”

Can we tell that Sophie has had a leeeeeetlle too much coffee by now? Yeah, I thought so too.

So, a mighty battle commenced between the Green Power Ranger AKA Tim and Sailor Moon AKA Mud. They fought and fought, with weapons clashing and fire flying and burning the buildings and large overly bulky machines destroying things and pretty girly hearts flying everywhere, but in the end, Sailor Moon was no match for the Green Power Ranger. Which shouldn’t be a surprise, really. I mean, it’s Sailor Moon versus the Green Power Ranger. There’s no way Sailor Moon would win! Even if she was on steroids…! Ewwwww, bad mental image…

“HA!!! TAKE THAT YOU PANSY!!!” screamed Tim and he stabbed Mud in the side. “EVIL ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!!” And then he ran off cackling like a maniac.

“Mud!” Ronald cried, rushing to his friend’s side. “Mud! Are you alright?”

“I’VE JUST BEEN BEATEN BY A GUY IN GREEN SPANDEX AND A MOTERCYCLE HELMET, AND I’M WEARING A PINK SAILOR OUTFIT!!! DO I LOOK ALRIGHT TO YOU?!?!?!” Mud screamed at him.

“No, I suppose not…”

“Exactly. Now Ronald, I don’t want you to take offense to this or anything, but since the feud between your families is what got me stabbed and dying here… A PLAGUE!!! A PLAGUE ‘O BOTH YOUR HOUSES!!! MAY YOU ALL BURN IN HELL FOREVER!!!” Mud screamed, and then died. With his eyes closed and his tongue hanging out. It was frickin’ awesome.

“Nooooooooo! My best friend!!!” Ronald cried. “I shall avenge you! VENDETTA!!! BARFALA VENDETTA!!!” he yelled and ran off to go kill Tim.

And Benny was standing there like ‘What the hell…?’

“TIM!” Ronald cried as he found the Crapulet. “Mud was my best friend! And you’ve killed him! Now, fight me! Either Mud shall be avenged or we shall both perish!!” He drew his sword.

“Bring it on, bitch!” yelled Tim. They charged towards each other, going full out, ready to rip the other limb from limb…

And then Ronald pulled out a banana peel and flung in front of Tim, who promptly slipped on it and died.

“HA HA!! NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE BANANA PEEL!!” Ronald cackled evilly.

And then Benny came up and was like ‘What the hell did you just do?!’

“Oh, hi Benny! I just killed… OH MY GOD!!!! I JUST KILLED TIM!!! I’M A MONSTER!!!” Ronald started bawling his eyes out, now relizing that he had just killed Jenniferette’s beloved cousin. Woe is him.

And Benny just hauled him up by the arm and was like ‘Get out of here! Now!’ So Ronald, still whimpering and crying, ran off before Prince Bob and the Crapulets came.

And come they did, for soon the whole street was filled with civilians, the Crapulets, and Bob and his pretty white horsie. “What happened here?” asked Bob. No one answered. “Well, someone tell me!”

Benny took a deep breath. “Tim came looking for Ronald because he wanted to fight him, but Mud stood in his way, so Tim killed Mud, and, stricken by grief, Ronald went and killed Tim,” he said.

Everyone stared at him. It was dead silent. And then something registered in their minds.

“OH MY GOD!! BENNY SPOKE!!!!! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!!!!” And people began running around in mass chaos, screaming their heads off. Even Bob was scared.

“By the way, Ronald is banished!” he yelled and then high-tailed it out of there on his pretty white horsie as havoc continued to rein in the streets of Ouagadougou.

Back at Castle Crapulet, in Jenniferette’s room…

“Oh, Ronald, Ronald, I love you!” she sighed to herself. “I love more than I’ll ever love anything else!!”

Suddenly Olga came in. “Olga!” said Jenniferette. “What news do you have of Ronald?”

Olga sniffed. And then got all teary eyed. And her lip began trembling. And then she started bawling like a baby. “He’s dead!” she wailed. “He’s dead!”

Jenniferette gasped. “M-my Ronald is… D-dead?!” she asked.

“No, not Ronald! Tim, your beloved cousin! Ronald killed him with a banana peel!” Olga said and continued bawling.

“What? No… NO! It can’t be true! Ronald would never… But on the other hand… He would! OH RONALD, HOW COULD YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!!! I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!!” Jenniferette screamed and threw herself down on her bed, kicking her legs and pounding her fists like a little two-year-old.

After awhile, she calmed down. “I don’t hate Ronald,” she said. “And I want to see him again. Oh Olga, won’t you go find him for me?” she asked.

“Why can’t you do it?” asked Olga. “I’m an elderly person!”

“BECAUSE I’M A NOBLE AND YOU’RE A SERVANT DAMNIT!! NOW GO FIND RONALD!!!” Jenniferette screamed. “Oh, and please take this ring with you!” She handed a ring to Olga. Olga sighed and went to find Ronald while Jenniferette tried to deal with her anger management problem by killing a few pigeons.

At Friar Larry’s cell…

“WHY ME?! WHY ME?! WHY IS MY LIFE SO MISERABLE!?!?! WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SO MUCH!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

Friar Larry just looked on in disgust at the bawling boy on the floor on front of him. He had just told Ronald he was banished from Ouagadougou, and he had started crying like a baby. That was the last time he ever told anyone their punishment.

“Oh for god’s sake, it’s just banishment!” he said, but that only made Ronald cry harder.

“BANISHMENT!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE BANISHMENT?!?! I’LL NEVER SEE MY BEAUTIFUL JENIFERETTE AGAIN!!! I’LL NEVER GET LAID!!!! I’LL DIE A VIRGIN!!!” Ronald continued to cry.

“Oh, for hell’s sake, shut up!” Friar Larry yelled.

Just then, Olga came in. “Good evening Friar,” she said. “And, uh… Good evening… Ronald…”

Ronald continued bawling.

“I have word from Jenniferette,” Olga said. “She is grief-stricken by Tim’s death…”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! WHY ME?!?! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!!!!” screamed Ronald. He grabbed a dagger and was about ready to stab himself, when Friar Larry kicked him in the balls. Ronald yelled in pain and doubled over. “Owwwwwww…”

“Oh shut up!” he said. “Death isn’t the answer! Look, you only killed Tim because he killed Mud, who was your best friend, right? Well, a lot of people would’ve done the same thing in your situation, it’s just that you two happened to be a Crapulet and a Montapoo! That’s the only reason the punishment was so harsh; I wouldn’t be surprised if the Prince let’s you back into Ouagadougou in a few years time.”

Ronald stopped sniffling, “Y-you think?”

“It’s entirely possible,” he said. “And if you go by tomorrow it’ll look like you really are a law-abiding citizen, and you’ll look even better. The Crapulets can’t keep you out of the city forever.”

Ronald stood up. “By golly, you’re right! It’s not the end of the world! And as long as Jenniferette is still alive, I’ll be alright!” Little did Ronald know how that little sentence would later decide his fate… DUN DUN DUN!!!

“Here, Ronald,” Olga said. “This is a ring of Jenniferette’s; she wanted me to give it to you. Now come with me, and you can spend the night with her.”

“Right!” said Ronald, suddenly a lot happier. Maybe he wouldn’t die a virgin after all!

Meanwhile, back at Castle Crapulet…

“My lord, I think that it would be in Jenniferette’s best interest to marry me!” Pickleton said to Crapulet.

“But she’s still so young… And Tim’s death has greatly saddened her. I don’t know if it’s the best time…” Crapulet said. Pickleton sighed.

“But don’t you see my lord, it’s a perfect time! The marriage can lift her spirits so she won’t be sad anymore! And I’ll get your family fortune, I mean, a wonderful wife!” He looked pleasdingly at Crapulet. “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease can I marry her? Please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”

Crapulet thought about it. “Alright, you can,” he said. “In fact, I agree with you. This is a perfect time for a wedding! It’ll be on Thursday! I’ll start making preparations now!” And Crapulet ran off to go make arrangements for the wedding and abuse some poor innocent servants. Pickleton grinned, extremely happy, and left. Let us now take the time to reflect on the fact that Pickleton is over 21, and therefore his marriage to a thirteen-year-old girl is just wrong. Not that the whole Ronald/Jenniferette thing is any better, but still; very wrong. So, moving on…

The next morning, in Jenniferette’s room…

“That was amazing,” said Ronald.

“I know. I don’t get why people are so against sex; I thought it was great,” Jenniferette said, cuddling up against Ronald.

“Because they’re usually old people, and old people probably suck at sex; therefore, they hate it,” Ronald said. “But wow, that was fun… Wanna do it again?”

“We can’t; you have to leave.” Jenniferette got out of bed and began getting dressed. “But as soon as you come back, or I go to… What is it, Mushufasa?”

“Yeah, that’s right. I’m getting banished to Mushufasa,” said Ronald.

“Right, well, as soon as I go there, we can do it again, alright?” Jenniferette smiled at her lover.

Ronald also got out of bed and started getting dressed. “More than once?”

“Of course!”

“Alrightly then!” He kissed her good-bye and left. And not a second too soon, because just as he left, Jenniferette’s mother came in! With wonderful news! That would later result in her daughter drinking a potion that would make her look dead and make Ronald kill himself! But now I’m getting ahead of myself, so, back to the present…

“Jenniferette!” said Lady Crapulet. “I have wonderful news!”

“What is it, mother?” asked Jenniferette as Olga came strolling in.

“Your father has arranged for you to marry County Pickleton on Thursday! You’re to be married in three day’s time!” Lady Crapulet said excitedly.

It was silent for a minute.

“WHAT THE BLOODY bleep DO YOU MEAN I’M GETTING MARRIED TO bleepING COUNTY PICKLETON?!?!” Jenniferette bellowed. “DID ANYONE bleepING ASK ME HOW I bleepING FEEL ABOUT THIS?!?! HUH?!? WHAT IF I DON’T WANT TO MARRY BLOODY COUNTY PICKLETON?!?! BECAUSE I DON’T!!!”

“WELL TOO DAMN BAD!!” roared Crapulet, who had come up sometime during the screaming. “YOU’RE GOING TO MARRY COUNTY PICKLETON WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, BECAUSE WE’RE YOUR PARENTS AND WE SAY SO!!!”

“WELL, bleep YOU!!! I’M NOT MARRYING COUNTY PICKLETON, AND THAT’S FINAL!!” Jenniferette yelled.

Crapulet let out a growl and slapped Jenniferette across the face. “DON’T YOU DEFY ME LIKE THAT, YOU STUPID LITTLE bleep!!! YOU’LL MARRY HIM, OR I’LL KICK YOU OUT OF THE bleepING HOUSE!!!” And with that he stormed off to vent his anger. Probably by killing some poor rabbits. Those poor, poor rabbits.

Lady Crapulet left too. Jenniferette started crying. “Oh Olga, what am I going to do?” she asked tearfully. Here we go with the whole bi-polar thing again

“Marry Pickleton.”

“What?!”

“Marry Pickleton. He’s a fine man, and it’s not as though Ronald is going to be let back into the city anytime soon, no matter what Friar Larry says,” Olga told her. “So, marry Pickleton, make your parents happy, and become the wife of a County. It all works out.”

Jenniferette stared at her for a few minutes. “Alright,” she said finally. “I’ll marry Pickleton.”

Olga smiled. “That’s a good girl.” She patted Jenniferette on the head and went off to do some laundry.

Jenniferette glared at her. Someone was going to wake up with all their clothes died chartreuse tomorrow… I must see the Friar. He’ll help me, Jenniferette thought. I’ll tell my parents I’m going to confession. And with that in mind, she hurried to get redressed in her confession clothes. Yes, people actually had confession clothes back then. Sad, isn’t it?

Later that day, at the Church…

“Are you sure you want to marry Jenniferette?” Friar Larry asked Pickleton. “I mean, she’s only thirteen…”

“Yes, but I want her to be my wife,” Pickleton said. “She’s a beautiful girl.”

Friar Larry sighed. “Well, that’s your choice…”

Jenniferette came in. “Good day, Father. I wish to make my confessions before my wedding on Thursday,” she said.

“Ah, hello, Jenniferette!” said Pickleton, going and touching her shoulder. “How are you…” He stopped and backed away slowly as Jenniferette glared at him with her demonic red eyes and the evil black aura now surrounding her. “Um… I need to go… Uh… Milk the cows! Yes, I need to milk the cows, good-bye!” And Pickleton ran off.

Jenniferette turned to Friar Larry. “Oh, Father, you must help me! If you don’t, I swear I’ll commit suicide!” She pulled out a dagger just to show she was serious.

“No, don’t do that! Look, I’ll help you! It’s against the rules of the Catholic Church to marry someone to more than one person anyway!” Friar Larry said. “Here,” and he pulled out a vial of some dark liquid. “This is a sleeping potion. Drink it, and you’ll fall into a death-like sleep for forty-two hours. Your parents will think you’re dead, and they’ll hold a funeral for you. Then, when you wake up, I’ll take you to my cell, and from there you’ll go to Mushufasa to be with Ronald, alright?”

Jenniferette smiled. “Yes, that sounds alright. But what if Ronald thinks I’m dead too?”

“I’ll send letters to him with the plans.” Friar Larry handed her the vial. “Now go!”

“Oh, thank you, Friar; I don’t know how I’ll ever…” She stopped and sniffed. “Why do you smell like the communion wine?”

“Er…” said Friar Larry. “Well, being a priest is a very hard job, you see…”

Jenniferette raised an eyebrow. “Riiiiiiiiiiiiight…”

That night, inside Castle Crapulet…

“Ah, Jenniferette, you’re back!” Crapulet said as his daughter entered the main hall. “Did you have a good time at confession?”

“Yes, it was fine. I’m terribly sorry for yelling at you, father,” Jenniferette said through gritted teeth (because she wasn’t very sorry at all. Obviously). “I hope you’ll forgive me.” Her started twitching. Violently.

“Ah, wonderful! You’ve relearned your place. I think, just for that, that I’ll move the wedding to tomorrow morning!” Crapulet said happily.

“WHAT?! WHAT D’YOU MEAN TOMO- I mean, that sounds lovely father, thank you, good-bye!” Jenniferette quickly raced upstairs to her room before she killed her father. Her eye was still twitching violently.

Crapulet looked after her. “Must be over excited,” he said, and went to go send a servant to tell Pickleton of the wedding.

In her room, Jenniferette looked at the small vile of potion in uncertainty. “What if it doesn’t work? Or what if it’s poison? Or what if the Friar is trying to kill me?” She bit her lip. “Oh, I just don’t know… What if Ronald doesn’t get the letters? Or what if I suffocate in the tomb? Oh, I don’t know if I can go through with this…” She started to set the vial down…

And then a magical bird flew in her room, picked up the vile, forced the liquid into her mouth, and Jenniferette fell over dead… asleep. Ah ha, I had you fooled there, didn’t I?

The next morning…

“Jenniferette!” Olga called. “Jenniferette, dear, wake up!” She walked into the room and began tidying up. “Come now, darling, the wedding’s this morning! We must get you ready! Come on, get up!” She walked over to the bed, and stopped suddenly. Jenniferette wasn’t moving. At all.

“Jenniferette, dear? Are you alright…?” Olga stepped over to her and put her finger under Jenniferette’s nose. No breath left her body.

“OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Olga wailed. “SHE’S DEAD!!!! MY POOR, DEAD JENIFERETTE IS DEAD!!! OH, WOE IS ME!!” And she stabbed herself and died. No, just kidding. She continued wailing until Lady Crapulet came upstairs.

“Olga, Olga, what’s going on? Why are you…” She stopped and saw the lifeless body of her daughter on the bed. “OH JENIFERETTE!!! Why, why has death taken someone so young?! It should have been me! It should have been me!” And she collapsed, sobbing.

By now, Crapulet and Pickleton (who had just arrived) had heard all the commotion and came into the room. “What, what’s going on?” asked Pickleton. “Is my bride alright?”

“She’s dead!” Olga said. “She’s dead, and she shall never live again!”

“What…? NO!! No, it’s not fair!! Now I’ll never get that stupid fortune!!!” Pickleton cried, but no one noticed him because they were all too upset. They also didn’t notice when he started snooping around a little and stealing various trinkets from Jenniferette’s room.

“Oh, woe is me, for my daughter is dead!” Crapulet said. “Servant, go get Friar Larry and tell him that the wedding is off.”

“Uh, ‘e’s already ‘ere, sir,” the servant said.

“What?”

“Yeah, ‘e came around sayin’ that ‘e wanted to see the bride before the wedding, or something like that. Look, ‘ere ‘e comes now,” the servant pointed to where Friar Larry had magically appeared.

“What have we here? Ah, Jenniferette! Dead! Oh woe is her! But she couldn’t have picked a better time; she was almost married and she would’ve been happy, so the Lord knows she must be fit for heaven! So, now we’ll need a funeral! Well, let’s hop to it then, no need to have her body rotting inside the castle. C’mon, c’mon!” Friar Larry grabbed a bewildered pair of Crapulets by the hands and dragged them off to prepare for the funeral.

Olga watched them go. Then looked at Jenniferette. “I’ll bet my soul he had a part in this,” she said. Then she looked down and saw the vial. “What the…”

But before Olga could ruin the whole basis of the ending, Superman came in and attacked her with his amazing mind-altering eyebeams! Even though Superman doesn’t even have a power like that! But he should, because that would be totally awesome! But it doesn’t really matter anyway, because Olga forgot that she was suspicious about anything and went away to mourn Jenniferette, thus making sure the ending of the story would come out right. Whew!

Pickleton (who was by now done stealing everything of Jenniferette’s that he wanted to, including a pair of panties) saw that no one else was in the room anymore. “Where is everybody?” he asked out loud. The wind blew through the open window, making an eerie ghost-like sound. “OH MY GOD, DEMONS!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!” Pickleton screamed and ran out of the room. Wow, that was really random! I’m so proud of myself…

(What I’m assuming is) The next day, in Mushufasa…

“Oh, Jenniferette, I hope you come soon!” Ronald said wistfully as he sat outside his new house. “I love you so much, and I can’t wait to see you again… And get laid…”

Suddenly, a teenage boy on a horse rode up. It was Ronald’s male friend that has never been mentioned until now, Betty! He had a worried look on his face.

“Betty!” cried Ronald. “What news do you have of Jenniferette? If she’s okay, then nothing can be wrong!”

Betty sighed. “Well, then you’re not going to want to hear what I have to say.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’ll make you cry.”

“But if Jenniferette’s okay, nothing can be wrong! Didn’t you hear what I said?”

“Yes, but something is wrong with Jenniferette, Ronald.”

Ronald let the sink in for a moment. “W-what d’you mean?”

Betty sighed. “She’s dead, Ronald. Jenniferette is dead.”

Ronald was silent for a minute, mouth agape and eyes wide. And then all hell broke loose.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! SHE’S DEAD!!! WHY, OH WHY, DOES FATE HATE ME SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!?!?! JENIFERETEE!!! MY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!! COME BACK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!” Ronald howled like a wolf, so loudly that back in Ouagadougou, his family heard him.

“Did you hear that, Benny?” Montapoo asked. “It sounded like Ronald… D’you think he’s alright?”

And Benny was like ‘No… What’s you think?’

Anyway…!

“WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?!?!?! WHY AM I STILL ALIVE?!?! BETTY, GET ME A HORSE SO I CAN GO BACK TO OUAGADOUGOU!!! I MUST KILL MYSLEF THERE, BY JENIFERETTE’S SIDE!!!” And Ronald ran off to go get some poison. Betty sighed and went to find a horse.

“Apothecary! Give me some poison!” Ronald demanded as he ran into the apothecary’s house.

“Don’t be stupid! That’s punishable by death!” the apothecary said.

“I don’t care! Here, here’s a bunch of money. Now give me my poison!” Ronald shoved a bag of money into the apothecary’s face, who of course took it right away. I mean, it was the Middle Ages. Everyone was so desperate for cash that they’d take any bag of money, no matter who they were.

“Here,” said the apothecary. “This poison will kill you almost instantly.”

“Thank you,” Ronald said. “And now Jenniferette, I shall see you in heaven!” And he ran off to go get his horse.

The apothecary stared after him. “Weirdo,” he muttered.

Meanwhile, back at the Church…

“Ah, where’s Friar Jumanji?” Friar Larry asked himself. “He should’ve been back by now… I hope he actually delivered the letter…” Just then, Friar Jumanji came into the Church.

“Uh, Friar Larry, I have some bad news,” he said.

“What?”

“I wasn’t able to deliver the letter.”

“What?!” Friar Larry said. “Why?”

“Because I’ve got the plague and the city officials had me quarantined.”

Friar Larry let that sink in for a moment.

“What do you bloody mean you’ve got the plague?!” he yelled suddenly, making Friar Jumanji jump. “What the bloody hell are you doing in the Church?! Out, out, out!! Go do us all a favor and throw yourself in the river!”

“But that’ll only make it spread by water…”

“I DON’T CARE!!! OUT!!!” Friar Larry screamed and booted Friar Jumanji out the door. “Great, now I’ve got to go wait for Jenniferette to wake up in her tomb… I swear I’d better get a good place in heaven for this or I’m selling my soul to the devil…” Friar Larry grumbled, and went off to go wait for Jenniferette to wake up.

A few hours later, at the Crapulet Mausoleum/Tomb thingy…

“Come, Piggy, we must break into the Crapulet tomb and watch over Jenniferette’s grave!” Pickleton said to his page.

“But why sir?”

“Because! Ronald Montapoo killed Tim! What makes you think he won’t come back and do something to Jenniferette’s body?!”

“… Because he killed Tim and had nothing to do with Jenniferette…?”

“Silence! You know nothing!” Pickleton hissed. “Now, hand me my crowbar!”

Piggy sighed and handed Pickleton the crowbar. He started to pry open the tomb, and had just finished when Ronald rode up with Betty! OH NO!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?

“Ronald Montapoo!” Pickleton screamed. “I challenge you to a duel! To avenge the deaths of Tim and Jenniferette!” He drew his sword.

“By my honor, I accept! Prepare to die, Pickleton!” Ronald cried, since his grief over Jenniferette’s death has clouded his mind and made sure that he did not realize that dueling was not a good way to solve problems. “Betty, go! I must do this alone!”

Betty, who had just put up with five hours of heavy horseback riding and bawling from Ronald about how much God hated him, wasn’t about to argue. He immediately rode off, and was never heard from again. Probably fell into the river and got plague. Woe is him.

“Piggy, go get the police!” Pickleton commanded as he and Ronald started fighting. “Tell them that there is a criminal here!”

“Right away, sir!” Piggy said, and ran off to go get the police. Alas, if only he had waited a moment longer, he might’ve saved Pickleton’s life, for as soon as he left, RONALD STABBED PICKLETON THROUGH THE HEART!!! DUN DUN DUN!!!

Pickleton fell backwards and died. Ronald gasped as he realized what he had done. “NO!!! PICKLETON!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” he screamed. “I didn’t mean to! My grief over Jenniferette clouded my mind! HOW COULD I HAVE HURT YOU, MY LOVE?!?!”

Okay, so Ronald didn’t really say that. That’s just me being hyper and weird. But he was remorseful that he had killed Pickleton, so he dragged his body into the open tomb and laid it on the ground next to the Jenniferette’s… Um… Actually, I have no idea what Jenniferette is in right now. Because it can’t be a casket because she’d suffocate, and I don’t think it’d just be rotting bodies out in the open, so… Yeah, we’re just going to pretend the burial people got lazy and didn’t bother to close the lid of her casket, okay?

“Oh, Jenniferette!” Ronald sighed. “You’re as beautiful in death as you were in life! My love, I shall never forget you! And now, I must die, so I can be with you always!” He popped the cap off the poison and drank it all. “Ah, apothecary… HOLY HELL THIS HURTS!! WHAT THE HELL DID HE GIVE ME?!?!” Ronald screamed, because the apothecary had unknowingly given him something called Bleach, which shouldn’t have even existed back in those days, but it did, and it was very toxic and burned like hell. So, Ronald endured a lot of pain with lots of screaming (“OH MY GOD, THE PAIN!!! IT BURNS!!”) before he died, and needless to say by that time he had forgotten that he was doing this for Jenniferette, and didn’t even kiss her good-bye, he bastard. If you love a woman that much, you could at least have the decency to kiss them good-bye!

And right after Ronald died, Jenniferette woke up! She blinked lazily, then smiled and sat up. “Oh, where’s Ronald? Ronald, my love, where are you?” she asked happily, unsuspecting that anything had gone wrong. And then she saw Ronald’s dead body on the floor.

“OH RONALD!!! WHY, WHY DID YOU KILL YOURSELF?!?!” she wailed. “DIDN’T YOU KNOW I HADN’T DIED?!?! OH, IT’S NOT FAIR!!! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE EITHER!!!” So, Jenniferette grabbed a dagger that just so happened to be next to her, stabbed herself, and died. Little did she know that the police, Prince Bob, Crapulet, Montapoo, Benny and Piggy had all been standing there, watching her! OH MEH GOD, TEH DRAMA!!!

“Um… Did what I think just happened… Actually happen?” asked Bob, thoroughly confused.

“I believe it did,” said Montapoo.

“Who would’ve thought?” said Crapulet.

“My master is dead…” whined Piggy.

“We want to arrest somebody…” whined the police.

Bob cleared his throat. “Well, Crapulet and Montapoo; you see where this whole feud has gotten us? Your son and daughter are dead. I hope you’re happy.”

Montapoo sighed. “Brother Crapulet, he’s right. What do you say we put this whole thing behind us, and become friends?”

“I would like nothing more, Brother Montapoo,” said Crapulet, extending his hand. “Friends?”

“Friends,” said Montapoo, shaking Crapulet’s hand.

“OH MY GOD, METEORS!!!” someone screamed suddenly, and indeed, showers of meteors came crashing down to the planet (which we must remember is not earth), for little did people know that when Benny had spoken, it actually had been the end of the world! It just hadn’t reached this side of the planet yet.

So, there were meteors and acid rain and fires and beasts and Bush and FEMA didn’t come until too late (as usual), so the end of the world commenced, and everybody died. Even Bob. Yes, poor Bob died, and we shall mourn him. Poor, poor Bob.

And when all was said and done, the planet was destroyed and all the people gone with it. Except Benny! Because Benny wasn’t really a person, but the Angel of Death! And it was his job to kill everyone! But even so, Benny is going to spare us from death because he’s a nice person and wouldn’t do something mean like that, right?

And Benny was like ‘No.’

TEH END.

And the Moral of the Story is: Never ask what hot dogs are made from. Ever.

A/N: Do you know much fun I had writing this?

Well, it was a lot.

Methinks Sophie should eat coffee and Easter candy together more often Cackles evilly