How long had it been since we had driven down that road? This winding road skirted by trees that ultimately ended in the destination for our holiday. A year perhaps, no, less than a year. I sighed, my breath fogged the glass window as I rested my forehead against the transparent barrier protecting me from the harsh cold of the outside world, which we were tearing through inside the belly of my father’s hulking four wheel drive. The last week or so of school had taken longer than expected, days seemed to stretch on forever as my attention span had wavered. But now it had come to holidays, and I had two weeks to myself to just relax and do as I wished. We were onward bound to our favourite winter spot of Pemberton. We used to come every Easter break, and as little children we’d run around the caravan park in search for the chocolate eggs the Easter Bunny had left for us. Now, now our parents were not so interested to come here anymore, bar now, this winter season where the strong winds gusted and the rains poured, swelling the river banks and creating our favoured surging rivers and rapids. I had continued to stare out of the window, watching the trees go by. I had previously been able to see such a river, but a barrier of these red Karri trees had now taken place in my vision. The sky was aloft, above the stretching canopies of these grand old trees, dark with clouds, as far as I could tell. Leaves fell like rain in a shower of orange, red, brown and still green leaves as a harsh wind rushed through. I could hear it whistling against the windowpane even through my headphones, my music paused to progress to the next song. The piano chords of the introduction started, and then her voice, as clear as it ever had been. Amy Lee, front and singer of Evanescence. The music helped towards my somber mood as I heaved another sigh, watching the glass in front of me fog once more. “Don’t look out the window you will make yourself sick.” I heard my mother’s voice say to me as I lifted my head back and away from the glass, propping my head upon the palm of my hand, my elbow resting on the windowsill. I hadn’t felt like turning towards her. I hadn’t felt like doing anything other than listening to my music and watching the vast landscape before me just wash by.

Before when I was little, I used to imagine that the creatures of the forest, whether they were actually there or not, would come out and run beside the car, beckoning me to leap out and onto the back of a large wolf, or a horse, who would carry me the rest of the way, with the wind in my hair, and on my face. I smiled at the memory, how I wish I could have been like that again. Opening my window with the little electronic button, I took a deep breath of the fresh air that now seemed so rare within the metropolitan area. I let my hand fall out of the window, my fingertips embracing the chill of the wind. Ah yes, the day was miserable, just like I was. “Shut the window! It’s freezing!” My sister snapped, as I was forced to do as ordered of me. Rain had begun to fall also, I could hear the light slap of it on the front windshield of the car, see it splay in light streaks across my own window as the wind carried it, or our speed drove it. ‘Never was and never will be, you don’t know how you betrayed me…’ I closed my eyes at hearing those lines, fed from my headphones right into my ears. Betrayed me, yes, yes! Betrayed me! My mind screamed at me as I pursed my lips. How glad I was to get away from school, away from Perth, away from her! It killed me now, each time I looked at her. Lauren, my best friend, or, ex-best friend, as she was now. How she had hurt me this time, how she had shattered my heart and tossed it aside like it was nothing but an old greasy rag. I had forgiven her and tried to make amends, but then, time had worn on and things could not have been changed. No one had made me cry like she could, even after I promised to myself after the disaster of my recent birthday, that I would never cry again.

I looked down at my little CD case, were I had stored all my music, and my Discman. There, tucked in the back was the piece of paper I had treasured ever since her hand had offered it to me. ‘I Jesse Miriam Reeves, hereby declare to be an ever listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a protective and loyal friend to Lestat De’Lioncourt for as long as I live.’ It was Signed and had chosen names for ourselves, so no one bar us could read it and understand it. I read it over and over, softly to myself. “I guess we both died that day.” I had whispered softly to myself without realizing it. “What was that?” My sister asked. “Nothing,” I replied softly, choking back a husky scratch in my voice, feeling my throat close up and my eyes sting as I struggled against the tell tale signs of oncoming tears.

Turning away, to hide my face from my family, I craved to simply be alone, even though I knew I was stuck with my family in this close proximity for at least another hour. Leaning my head against the cold glass again, I wept my silent tears, hoping for some kind of sweet release to swoop down and carry me off. ‘Without the mask, where will you hide can't find yourself, lost in your lie.’ I sobbed to myself throughout the song, thinking how much these words related to me. In my desperate attempt to make everyone around me well, I had shamefully let myself fall into a state of depression. I looked at my reflection in the window, the face I had seen so often that I now began to feel agitated by it. The rain pelted hard, splattering against the car. I could hear the fury of the fast moving windscreen wipers, the cautious sound of the car motor slowing. What I would have done to be out there right then, in the rain, dancing in small circles with my arms outstretched and face upturned towards the sky to greet the rain. I would have loved to feel the icy touch of the rain on my cheeks, feel it as it ran down over my flesh in little rivulets. As it swept away my tears. No one can tell if you’re crying in the rain, I mused somberly to myself. My sister shot me a sideways glance as I sighed again. As soon as I got to our cabin, as soon as I was unpacked and allowed my own free time, I would go up the winding snake trail in the forest, even if it was raining, I would cross that fallen tree over the river bank, if it were not underwater by now. I would go up past the trout farm, I would run, sprint through the rain and the mud, tear through the shroud of the trees and scrubs. I would be lost in the wilderness for as long as I could. Cold and wet, as I craved, huddled in the rain, on the stump of a long fallen tree. And there, then, I would be allowed my solitude, there, were no one could see me, I would be allowed to cry. ‘It never was and never will be, you're not real and you can't save me…’ The song ended and I turned away from the window, my reflection and the outside world, back to the book open in my lap, my journal, and upon picking up my pen, scratched my thoughts in ink across the page.