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just a little something I wrote for my friend's birthday. contains all of the characters from Evil Twinkies of the Black Dawn and several fromEvil Ghost Ducks of the Spirit World. Enjoy!
Blood and Meatbuns Don't Mix
By: Chi Yagami
“Umm, this is a map of the airport,” exclaimed Mandy, a brunette teen obsessed with band and former band instructors. She kept in contact with most of her old junior high and middle school instructors and was on a first name bases with them. “Why do we need a map of the airport?”
“Oh,” their teacher said hastily, “that’s just in case we get lost.”
“In an airport? Where there are signs pointing out where everything is?” Mark muttered quietly. He was clutching his pillow and glancing at the map.
“Oh my god,” Willie said suddenly, making everyone stare at him. “Is that the same lace pillow you took to that band competition? The one with the pee stain?!”
Mark turned a deep shade of crimson, and Mr. Layne rolled his eyes.
“Yeah so what if it is?” Mark snapped back.
Willie shrugged. “I dunno.”
Everyone groaned; they had already missed the first flight because Jason had put laxatives in everyone’s sodas and they kept having to use the bathroom. Chelsea pointed out that they could’ve just used the plane bathroom, but there were too many people in need of a lavatory that it would’ve been packed at the back of the plane. “Not to mention Mark would’ve probably added another stain to his pillow,” Jason had added and was forced to duck the flying cushion.
“Wait a minute,” Wendi said slowly after examining the map thoroughly, “where’s the map of Berlin?”
“I xeroxed the map of the airport over it,” Mr. Layne said cheerfully. “I felt since we’ve been studying Berlin for the last week, we wouldn’t need a map.”
The students exchanged anxious glances before proceeding to follow their teacher onto the plane. Mandy andRissa were still going on about band; Rissa was saying how she should be moved up to Symphonic. Aubrie shot her a dirty look before turning back to her boyfriend, Joey, who was telling a joke to Ethan about an Albanian professor who’d gone into a bar with a toad. Logan, Willie, and Mark were pointing over to an old man in a long flowing nightgown and matching cap while laughing loudly. Jason checked his watch and yawned; his mother had forced him to go. Brandon, Dustin, and Ryan were holding up the line to the metal detector: Dustin had just gotten braces and he kept setting off the alarm. Well, Brandon and Ryan just encouraged him, and the lady behind the desk couldn’t figure out what was wrong, and he didn’t appear to have anything on him, so she called security. Dustin’s ears went slightly pink when an office told him they were going to have to take him in for inspection and unclothe him to figure out what he was hiding. Of course, Mr. Layne finally pushed his way up to the front and demanded an explanation of the hold up.
“This youth keeps setting off the alarm, but he appears to have no metal on him,” the officer explained grumpily. Their teacher sighed exasperatedly and pointed to Dustin’s mouth.
“He’s got braces; show them.”
Dustin opened his mouth and gave the officer a sheepish grin before walking through the detector. Wendi rolled her eyes and continued her conversation with Kaitlyn, the only person here whom she valued bright enough to carry on a conversation with. Sarah scowled when she had to empty her pockets and reveal several spoons, a pair of tongs, and stuffed bunny with needles stuck in it randomly. Mike chuckled as he stepped through unscathed; Sarah muttered something that sounded an awful lot like “pancake”, which she’d obviously gotten from Chelsea. Ashley and Larry were talking quietly about last year’s cheese festival, a subject that Xach wasn’t too keen on exploring.
“Yeah, well, none of that would’ve ever happened if you hadn’t dragged me along,” Chelsea said in an ‘I-told-you-so’ voice. “Didn’t I tell you guys I was busy?”
“If you were,” he replied, his eyes wandering around the room, “then you wouldn’t have been there.”
“Whatever,” she said, not wanting to start a fight. “You could’ve survived without me.”
“By hanging out with some insane person dressed in a polyester cow suit? I don’t think so.”
“Well,” Chelsea argued, “Wendi was there; she’s sane enough.”
They watched as Wendi screamed at the security lady for dropping her bag filled with fragile Chinese scrolls and candles.
“BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE!” she screamed at the woman, pulling out a bottle of pepper spray. “THOSE SCROLLS WILL BE USED TO BRING BACK OSCAR WILDE!!!”
The two sweat-dropped as they watched their friend scream and hide behind Mr. Layne when a photographer snapped her picture; Wendi believed that cameras sucked out your soul.
“Yeah,” Xach agreed sarcastically, “she’s sane all right.”
Once everyone was on the plane, Mr. Layne explained how stuff would work once they reached Germany. “We couldn’t afford a guide,” he was saying, “but no worries; I speak fluent German. We’ll be sharing a tour bus—”
“With gay people?!” Jason asked hopefully. Mark rolled his eyes and smacked him with his pillow; they’d gotten stuck sitting next to each other.
“EWE!!!” Jason screamed. “THE STAIN HIT ME IN THE EYE!”
“Too bad it wasn’t still wet,” Willie mumbled. Several people agreed.
“People, people, people. Calm down, people,” Mr. Layne said, trying to get everyone situated. A tall woman sitting at the front of the plane shot them rude gazes, and Xach swore he saw her give them the finger. Logan and Willie were whispering to each other softly, and they continued to look over at Jason every ten seconds. In front of them, Ryan and Dustin were playing speed on the armrest. Sarah and Mike poked Wendi in the back, and soon it looked liked the three of them and Kaitlyn, who was sitting next to Wendi, were having a small powwow. Rissa and Mandy were still engaged in band conversation but were now talking about “JBF”, one of the band director’s initials. Ethan, who didn’t look too happy with the double seats arrangement, was stuck next to Brandon, who was turned around talking to Ryan. Aubrie and Joey sat across from them, Aubrie's head on his shoulder. Xach sunk so low in his chair that Chelsea thought his seat had broken. Ashley and Larry were in front of them, still talking about the festival.
Mr. Layne had given up on trying to talk and was now occupying a seat a few rows behind the tall woman so that he could keep a watchful eye over his group.
“We are now preparing for takeoff,” a loud voice boomed over the PA system. “Please turn off all electronics. Thanks for your cooperation.”
“Who said we were cooperating?” Jason asked stupidly.
“Wish I could push him out the pothole,” Mark said sadly.
The endless babbling continued all during the flight. The flight attendants could be seen running up and down the aisle, mostly because Dustin kept pressing the red distress button. He, Brandon, Ryan, Logan, and Willie were having a field day messing with them. One attendant lady in particular looked extremely tired, and when Dustin asked for her number, she practically threw him off the flying vessel.
“When will the madness end?” Xach asked, rubbing his temples.
“Heh, are you going to put all this on your website?” Chelsea asked.
“Maybe.”
Ethan started teasing Aubrie for having fallen asleep on Joey. The night sky surrounded them as they crossed France. Wendi made them have a moment of silence for Oscar Wilde, praying in Chinese and bowing to a picture she taped to the back of the seat in front of her. People were getting sleepy, butAubrie was the only one who had comfortable quarters.
“I don’t want that gay thing touching me!” yelled Jason, gesturing to Mark’s lacey pillow. Next they started fighting over who got to use the armrest. Xach couldn’t even think properly, they were arguing so loud. I’ll never sleep if this continues, he was reading a book, and Ashley and Larry were STILL talking about cheese! Rissa and Mandy had somehow managed to snooze, and Dustin pressed the button one final time. It was after midnight beforeXach even closed his eyes.
The meatbuns were closing in on him. There was nowhere to looked around desperately for something to help him escape.
“You are out Meatbun King! You must go through the ceremonial transformation,” they chanted.
“But I don’t want to be a meatbun!” he cried as the meatbuns lurched at him.
“NOOOOOOO!!!” he screamed as a stack of meatbuns covered him. He woke up to find himself sitting on a table. Wait, he couldn’t be sitting – he didn’t have any legs!
“Hahahahaha!!!” Chuckie Cheese cackled as he picked up the meatbun Xach and ate him.
“Xach! Xach, wake up!”
Chelsea shook him awake; he squinted and realized it must be morning. People were getting off the plane. They heard a sinister laugh, followed by a “NOOOO!!!” coming from the back. Everyone turned around to see Jason flushing Mark’s pillow down the toilet, Mark standing next to him looking like a human hosepipe.
When they had finally gotten off the plane, everyone huddled around Mr. Layne. “Our luggage is being delivered to the hotel separately. Stay with your airplane buddies, that way if you get lost you at least won’t be alone; two heads are better than one.”
“So you’re trying to kill us off in pairs, eh?” Jason asked suspiciously.
“Shut up, you pillow-murderer,” Mark spat. “Mr. Layne, why must I be stuck with an ignorant moron?”
“If I recall,” Jason said coolly, “my average is higher than yours.”
“Last time you checked,” mumbled Mr. Layne. Chelsea and Xach exclaimed glances.
“All right now, half you will be coming with me, and the other half will have to find their way to the hotel using the maps. The lucky ones who’re coming with me are Sarah, Mike, Ethan, Brandon, Rissa, Mandy, Aubrie, Joey, Dustin, and Ryan.”
Xach looked around. That meant that he, Chelsea, Ashley, Larry, Wendi, Kaitlyn, Mark, Jason, Willie, and Logan would have to fend for themselves. Mr. Layne’s group left, and the remaining students looked nervously at each other.
“Well, let’s look at the map and get to that hotel,” Logan said, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Perhaps we can beat Mr. Layne.”
“No we can’t,” Wendi said definitely. “Mr. Layne forgot to give us a map, remember? We’re in Berlin; see the ruins of the wall over there?”
“This bites,” Kaitlyn grumbled. “How are we supposed to find our way around?”
“Does anyone speak German?” Chelsea asked hopefully. Everyone shook their head.
“Do we even know the name of the hotel?” Mark asked.
“Wow, we’re in deep sh--,” Larry muttered. Chelsea glared at him before sitting down on a bench.
“We could always wait here…”
“Not a chance,” Jason said. “I want to explore. What do y’all say to having a little fun with some natives?”
Everyone gave him the weirdest stare they could conjure. Logan glanced over and noticed a sign.
“Hey! That sign has a picture of a train!” he exclaimed. “I bet somebody on a train’ll speak English.”
“Or Mexican,” Larry added.
“Mexican pride, baby!” Ashley chanted, throwing her fist into the air. She smiled sheepishly as the train pulled up. Jason was the first to board the train, and when the conductor asked him for money, he turned out his pockets and dropped a screwdriver into the tin. It was only after they’d restrained Jason from biting the conductor’s head off that they noticed Wendi wasn’t on the train.
“Hey, Kaitlyn, where’s Wendy?” Mark asked.
“I don’t know…”
“Hey, Willie,” Chelsea said, pointing to him, “there’s something on your back.”
He turned around and the others could see a note taped to his back. It was from Wendi.
Hey-I’ve gone in search of a temple.
Maybe someone can tell me where Oscar Wilde is buried.
Have fun without me.
-Meer
“Are we sure that’s Wendi?” Jason and Ashley nodded.
“There’s no mistaking that perfect handwriting,” Ashley said.
“Idiot… going looking for a dead guy,” Mark said. “Why couldn’t the Mexican leave instead of her?! She’s the smartest of us all, and she’s the one with the pepper spray!”
“HEY!” Larry said, offended. “I wouldn’t be talking, White Trash!”
Chelsea rolled her eyes and took an aspirin. Xach didn’t like the predicament they were in: Wendi was gone and they had no idea where they were going.
“Can you two stop it?”
Mark muttered a rude comment, and Larry thought he said something about his mom.
“You don’t have to be a zoologist to recognize a jack-ss,” he retorted. Larry and Mark looked like they were ready to rumble, and Xach wasn’t really looking forward to a fight.
“But Wendi was on the train,” Logan said, trying to change the subject. “I counted heads after everyone got on, and there were ten of us.”
“You actually counted?” Kaitlyn asked.
“You must’ve miscounted,” Chelsea suggested. Logan sighed.
“There are three kinds of people,” Jason said, looking out the window. “Those who can count and those who can’t.”
“There are three kinds of people…” Logan repeated to himself. “Hey, wait! You only mentioned two—”
“Exactly.”
Logan looked confused and muttered something about having to use the bathroom. Ashley looked at Chelsea, and Xach could see her mouthing There are bathrooms on the train? Everyone was quiet for a few minutes.
The train came to a halt, and people started exiting.
“Willie, go get Logan,” Kaitlyn said. Willie left and returned a minute later, a horrified expression on his face.
“What’s wrong?” Chelsea asked. Willie mumbled several incoherent words and pointed behind him to the bathroom.
“Hey, Mark,” Jason teased as they made their way towards the back of the train, “maybe we’ll find your pillow.”
“Can it,” he spat. The boys proceeded into the bathroom while the girls merely poked their heads around the corner. They would’ve entered, too, but the stench was too foul.
All of them gasped. The window was broken, glass shards lay everywhere, and Logan’s watch was in the sink. But that wasn’t what was so creepy. Oh no.
It was the blood on the mirror that spelt out the message:
Dear M.B.K
I have your geeky friend in my clutches. If you ever wish to see him again, you will surrender your title and subjects to me. I have left clues as to where I am.
-BLOODMAN
They all exchanged horrified looks. Who was this so-called BLOODMAN? Why had he kidnapped Logan? Who was M.B.K.? What were his title and subjects? And how the heck had they managed to fit out that tiny window?!
“M.B.K.,” Chelsea repeated to herself. “What could it stand for?”
Kaitlyn examined Logan’s abandoned watch. “He didn’t even have the correct time: his watch says it 14:92.”
“That’s weird,”Xach agreed. Everyone jumped.
“Wow!” Larry exclaimed. “The mute talked!”
“Shut up,” Chelsea replied. “We have to figure out where the BLOODMAN is.”
“Why?”
“It’s obvious, isn’t?” Mark asked. “It’s like those old mystery TV shows where the crook leaves clues because he wants you to follow him.”
“So we’re abandoning our quest to reach the hotel to search for a blood man?” Jason asked. He was obviously not interested in finding this thief.
“Not ‘a blood man’!” Willie said, rounding on him. “The BLOODMAN!”
“You done chatting?”
They turned around to see the conductor. His English was poor and he looked a little queasy.
“Yeah,” Chelsea said quickly, grabbingXach and Ashley and pulling them off the train. The others followed, and the conductor slammed the door on Larry’s foot.
“Well so much for being able to search for clues,”Chelsea said. “Now we’ll never know where the BLOODMAN is lurking.”
Kaitlyncontinued to stare at the watch while Mark paced back and forth, deep in thought. Jason threw his hands up in the air as if he’d been defeated, and Ashley and Larry just stared at the sat down on the curb, and Willie started whistling. Mark, Jason, and Chelsea all stared daggers at him that he dropped the leaned up against a lamppost, his hands in his pockets. Why did he have a sick feeling that the BLOODMAN was connected personally to him? He glanced up at the street sign and let out a sigh. Everyone was acting so calm, but really, on the inside, they were all afraid that the thief would return for them next. They were stranded in a foreign city with no map and no way to communicate with their teacher (none of them had cell phones or money to use a pay phone), two of their friends were missing: one kidnapped and the other looking for a dead gay guy, and they had no clue to the BLOODMAN’S whereabouts.
“1492… 1492,” Larry repeated. “Why does that sound so familiar?”
“In 1492, Colombus sailed the ocean blue,” Mark said. “But we need to focus on tracking down the kidnapper.”
“How can we know where the kidnapper is if we don’t even know where we are?”Chelsea asked dully.
“Good point. Where are we?”
“Columbus Street,”Xach answered automatically. Everyone stared at him. “What? I just looked at the street sign.”
“Wait a minute… 1492!!!”Kaitlyn exclaimed, jumping up. “Columbus sailed in 1492… and the 1492 on Logan’s watch isn’t the time! It’s the numeral part of an address! 1492 Columbus Street!!!”
“Wow,” Ashley said. “You could be the next Sherlock Holmes.”
They raced down the street, watching the numbers go up. 1482… 1489… 1491…
“1492 COLUMBUS STREET,” Chelsea breathed. It was a rundown, tiny cheese shop. It seemed as though The Great Mouse Detective’s Cheese House was on the brink of closing. They entered the store only to be greeted by thousands upon thousands of pounds of cheese. An old TV was perched in a corner playing Bride of Chuckie, a movie where a little doll kills people...
“If the BLOODMAN kills us here, I’m pointing at Kaitlyn,” Willie said.
“Hey! It’s not my fault!”
“I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I’d blame you.”
Kaitlyn rolled her eyes and they walked around the store.
“I think I can hear people upstairs,”Chelsea said.
“I can hear voices,” Jason agreed, “and they don’t like you.”
She shot him a questioning look before proceeding to go up the wooden steps.
“Be careful,” Willie warned. “The BLOODMAN might be up there!”
“We’ve hit the jackpot of bad luck today,” Ashley murmured.
“If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane,” Jason said. Mark actually slapped a hand over his mouth, but Jason bit him. Mark let out a howling scream and shook his hand violently. They heardChelsea scream, too, and not a moment too soon, she came running down the stairs still screaming.
“What did you see?!” Willie asked eagerly. “Was it the BLOODMAN?!?!”
“I saw… I saw… I saw a mouse,” she mustered out. Everyone rolled their eyes, and Jason tried to strangle her. Luckily, Ashley and Larry were strong enough to hold him back. They all walked back outside; it was probably about dinnertime.
Everywhere they looked, buildings were pitch black. The only place open and welcoming was…
“CHUCKIE CHEESE’S?!” Willie said with disbelief.
“I know,” Mark agreed. “I don’t remember seeing that there before either—”
“I LOVE CHUCKIE CHEESE’S!!!” Willie shouted, dashing across the street and going inside.
“I guess we have to follow him,”Kaitlyn said. They all walked over to Chuckie Cheese’s and entered. Willie had stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he’d entered, so they all bumped into him. Hanging above the play zone was Logan; he was tied and gagged.
“All right, BLOODMAN,” Willie said in a shaky voice, “come out. We know you’re in here!!!”
………………………………
The front curtains of the stage pulled back to reveal the hourly Chuckie Cheese show, only this time Chuckie was alone. He jumped off the stage and walked over to them.
“Hey, have you seen a BLOODMAN around here?” Ashley asked him.
“Fools,” the mouse replied with a wicked grin, “I AM the BLOODMAN!!!”
………………………………
“You’re joking, right?” Jason asked.
“No.”
“You will die, BLOODMAN!” Willie yelled, pointing a rude finger at the mouse.
“There shall only be one death tonight!” Chuckie declared.
Suddenly, a large cage fell around everyone, trapping them inside. Well, everyone except Xach.
“Do you surrender?” Chuckie asked him, throwing a game token into the cage and hitting Jason in the eye.
“Surrender?”Xach asked. “What do you want with me anyway?”
“You are the reason I kidnapped your friend Reagan,” Chuckie replied, jerking his paw behind him.
“It’s L-O-G-A-N! LOGAN!!!” Logan corrected. “Stop getting it wrong!”
“But what could I possibly have that you want?”Xach asked the crazy mouse.
“Did you not read my message on the mirror?”
“Yeah… That was addressed to me?”
“Yeah.”
“So I’m M.B.K.”
“Yes,” said Chuckie, getting annoyed. “I was told you were smart; you should’ve figured this out long ago.”
“Who told you I was smart?”Xach demanded.
“Why, your subjects of course.”
The second curtain was pulled apart to reveal a cage full of meatbuns.
“M.B.K.,”Xach said as realization dawned on him. “Meatbun King.”
“He wants you to claim him as the meatbun king and hand over your meatbuns!”Chelsea cried. “Don’t do it!”
“What the hell is going on?” Mark asked. “What the heck is a meatbun?”
“Don’t ask,”Chelsea and Ashley said at the same time.
“We fight to the death, Meatbun King,” Chuckie said.
“I’ll win, and I’ll free my meatbuns and my friends!”Xach said.
“Is it just me or did that sound a little wrong?” Larry asked.
“JUST YOU,” everyone, including Chuckie, replied.
Chuckie andXach began to fight: Chuckie using his fists and Xach throwing plastic balls at him. In the end, Xach won, and Chuckie lay unconscious on the floor. After they’d untied Logan, freed themselves and the meatbuns (which, to no one’s surprise, didn’t move), they went outside in search of the hotel. Halfway down the street, they ran into Mr. Layne, who’d been searching for them everywhere. They reached the hotel, only to find everyone packing. Mr. Layne explained that because of the kidnapping, they had to go home early.
“Awe,” Kaitlyn complained as they boarded the plane once more, “we didn’t even stay one night.”
“I want my pillow!” Mark whined.
Xachsmiled inwardly: he saved the meatbuns and they’d uncovered the mystery of the BLOODMAN. He would have to update his website as soon as he got home. They took off, headed for America.
But first, they had to make a pit stop in France and pick up a Chinese girl who still hadn’t found Oscar Wilde.
