In the beginning, a slightly more intelligent than average chimp wasfeeling the general urge tofurther the gene pooland started procreating,horny bugger, and after much inbreeding his descendants lost their hair. These hairless, but slightly more intelligent chimps walked around quite happily getting munched on by various creatures, which were considerably bigger than themselves, and from a strictly Darwinist point of view, hadn’t much chance of survival.

One day while walking around blissfully unaware, a slightly less intelligent hairless chimp tripped over a root and broke it. Finding the broken root pointy, the hairless chimp poked around with it, experimenting with each end, until it stabbed itself in the eye, and promptly died. After several hours of musing, a slightly more intelligent hairless chimp, seeing the dead one of less intelligence, came to the conclusion that I would be best to keep the pointy end away from him, so he pulled out the stick carefully, and showed it to others.

Thus was born the spear.

Many hairless inbred chimps took the idea of a spear, and, as a group, attacked a tiger. Chimps became very scared when said tiger broke their spears and slaughtered the lot of them. Two rival factions emerged after many hairless chimps died, each one, believing they were being blamed by the other for the massacre

They attacked and more died.

Thus was born war.

In fact one side wasn't blaming the other, it was merely a lack of communication skills, or any language at all, that made one side feel so slighted.

Thus, was the only war in human history to have been started by the question "Do you want ants for tea, or would you prefer crickets?

For many years, the status quo remained, with the spear being useful only for stabbing other hairless chimps, until one bright spark, feeling a strange burning in his head which hurt him greatly (this was later called an idea) bound one rock to his stick, and started bonking hairless chimps, and other animals, over the head. He was worshipped among the hairless chimps, and ruled as their king. This allowed him to do no work, while others hunted for him, any who refused were swiftly bonked on the head, left to stagger off several inches shorter muttering about ‘oojin feckels’ and ‘grorgin fookbutts.’

As I said, language was in its infancy.

Annoyed by the status quo, (or whatever concept hairless naked slightly more intelligent than your average chimps had of the term 'status quo,') one chimp grabbed a sharp, pointy rock and put it on his stick. The then threw it at his leader, who, munching quietly on a banana, didn't notice it and was promptly pierced in the throat.

For many years, this way maintained, with new weapons designed to overthrow the previous king, by this period they’d returned to the blunt rock on stick design, merely making the rock heavier. This was of course until a hairless chimp found a torn away pit of skin from a carnivore's feast. He wrapped it round his nether regions and finding some fruit, he promptly stuffed it down his what was soon called "oon-dah-war" a term that is, more or less, still in use today. He delighted in the larger bulge, and proudly he strode into his herd of hairless chimps. They, overawed by thepower between his legs, ran up to him,ears turned and eyes wide. He, standing to his fullest height, pointed to himself, and said "ADAM."

Thus Adam was not the first of all humans, merely the first to use padding.