Cast of Characters

Tom The oldest boy. He is tall and thin and has dark hair He is about 19

Lizzy Tom’s little sister. They look alike, though Lizzy’s hair is curlier and she is younger. She is sixteen or seventeen.

Daniel A friend of Tom and Lizzy’s. An attractive and intelligent boy.

Bridget Daniel’s girlfriend. She is small and fair with big eyes.

Rob A large boy of about eighteen. No one really knows why he hangs out with them all the time.

Scene 1

An old car driving through the desert. Tom is driving and Lizzy is sitting beside him. In the back seat sit Daniel, Bridget and Rob. Bridget is leaning against Daniel. Rob is listening to his walkman despite the fact that the radio is on.

LIZZY

Bored, bored, bored.

Drums fingers on the window

TOM

We’ll be there in a few hours. For now, shut the fuck up.

Bridget yawns and buries her face in Daniel’s arm. Suddenly the car makes a popping noise. Everyone except Rob looks concerned.

TOM

Piece of shit!

LIZZY

Maybe you should pull over

TOM

Pull over where? I’m sure the cactuses will be a lot of help in a situation like this.

DANIEL

Cacti

TOM

What about them?

DANIEL

Cacti is the plural of cactus, not cactuses.

TOM

Fuck that, if I’d wanted an English lesson I’d have stayed home and studied.

Bridget giggles

LIZZY

At least the car is working, eh Tommy?

TOM

Don’t call me Tommy.

LIZZY

Thomas Charles Fitzwilliam.

TOM

Be quiet or walk.

Lizzy turns the radio up, dancing in her seat and singing along. Tom rolls his eyes and turns it off.

LIZZY

Why’d you do that? I like that song.

TOM

C’mon Liz, do you really need-

BRIDGET (cutting Tom off)

Is it just me or is it really hot in here?

TOM

Fuck

LIZZY

I think the AC is busted.

Waves hand over vent.

TOM

Whatever, roll down your window, we’re almost there.

Everyone rolls down their window except Rob. Lizzy chucks an empty soda can at him.

ROB

What the fuck?!

LIZZY

Hey fatass, roll down your window.

Rob rolls it down halfway. Suddenly the car lurches and stalls.

TOM

Fuck!

LIZZY

Are we out of gas?

TOM

No, I just filled it. Fuck!

Tom turns the keys and the car starts again. They drive a few feet and again stall. Tom turns the keys again and is able to drive to the side of the road before they stall again.

LIZZY

This sucks.

TOM

I’m going to go see what’s wrong.

Tom gets out of the car, walks to the front and lifts the hood. He looks in thoughtfully and checks several valves. Lizzy gets out of the car and goes to stand beside him.

LIZZY

What’s wrong with it?

TOM

I’m not sure…

LIZZY

You’ve never fixed a car in your life have you?

TOM

Screw you, I know lots about cars.

LIZZY

You have no idea.

TOM

Shut up, this isn’t fucking helping.

Daniel and Bridget get out of the car and also peer in to the engine.

DANIEL

Did you check the carburetor?

TOM

No, I forgot… which one is that again?

DANIEL

Oh… I don’t know. I can’t even pass my license test.

BRIDGET (fondly)

Isn’t it ironic, you get the highest SAT score in the history of the universe but you can’t drive a car?

TOM

Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to think.

LIZZY

Tom doesn’t know anything about cars. Once we had a flat and dad told him to change it. He goes out there and works for ages, like an hour-

TOM

It wasn’t an hour

LIZZY

Anyway, dad goes out to see what’s going on and Tom was trying to change the wrong tire.

Lizzy laughs rather cruelly.

TOM

That’s not even a good story.

BRIDGET

We’re going to be stuck out here forever, aren’t we?

DANIEL

Not forever. I’m sure someone will drive by, or we could walk. Tom said we were almost there.

TOM

Just to make Liz shut up. Fuck.

LIZZY

Forever

Bridget looks scared.

LIZZY

We might have to resort to cannibalism.

Bridget looks disgusted.

LIZZY

If you had to eat one of us, who would you pick.

BRIDGET

That’s a horrible thing to say!

TOM

I’d pick you, at least then I’d have some quiet.

Lizzy looks hurt.

DANIEL

I’d pick Rob I guess.

LIZZY

Ew, why?

DANIEL (shrugging)

He’d feed the most people.

All look at Rob who is still jamming out in the car.

BRIDGET

I’m a vegetarian. I’d eat a cactus before I’d eat Rob.

LIZZY

Do you ever wonder what human flesh tastes like?

BRIDGET

Ew, what is wrong with you?

LIZZY

I know it’s a horrible thing to say and all, but you have to wonder. I bet it just tastes like chicken or something. It’s only gross because we think it is.

DANIEL

Rob probably tastes like hamburgers.

Tom groans and sits on the curb.

TOM

I don’t want to resort to cannibalism. I just want to go to the beach.

BRIDGET

I’m thirsty.

DANIEL

You know if you cut open a cactus there is water inside it.

TOM

Cacti dipshit.

DANIEL

It’s only cacti if it’s plural.

BRIDGET

Someone should probably walk to get help.

LIZZY (puts finger on her nose)

Not it.

TOM

Grow up!

Daniel and Bridget quickly place fingers on noses.

LIZZY

Mon frere, it looks like it’s you.

Tom puts his finger on his nose, looking exasperated.

DANIEL

Too late.

TOM

Nu-uh.

All eyes turn to Rob who is playing air guitar in the backseat.

LIZZY

Yea right, he won’t walk from the couch to the refrigerator.

DANIEL

Besides, if we have to resort to cannibalism we’ll want him around.

Bridget sits beside Tom on the curb.

BRIDGET

I think I’m dying of dehydration.

DANIEL

We’ve been here like an hour.

BRIDGET

Go get me a cacti.

DANIEL

Cactus.

BRIDGET

Screw you! I didn’t even want to go on this trip! I only came because I wanted to spend time with you! If I say it’s a cacti, it’s a cacti!

Daniel runs off stage to find her a cactus. Lizzy sits down and begins throwing rocks at the car.

TOM

Stop that.

Lizzy stops.

LIZZY

Tom, you wouldn’t really eat me if we resorted to cannibalism would you?

TOM

No, I guess not. (Pause) Mom would disown me if I did.

LIZZY

I love you too Tom.

Bridget groans and buries her head in her hands. Rob takes off his head phones and sticks his head out the window.

ROB

Are we going to leave anytime soon?

TOM

The car is broken.

ROB

Are you serious?

LIZZY

No dumbass, it’s a hilarious joke.

Rob rolls his eyes.

ROB

I can’t believe this!

Daniel enters, his hands bleeding, looking annoyed. He opens the truck, perhaps looking for a first aid kit.

DANIEL

Look Bridge!

Daniel holds up a six pack of soda and comes to sit beside her.

BRIDGET

You really tried to get water from a cactus for me?

DANIEL

Well, yes. I didn’t realize they’d be so –you know- pokey.

Bridget kisses Daniel’s rather sunburned face. Rob gets out of the car behind their backs and goes to look at the engine. No one sees him.

BRIDGET

If we do die, I’m glad you’re here with me.

Daniel looks touched, though confused. Rob gets back in the drivers seat and revs the car. All jump.

ROB

Get in the car!

All get in.

LIZZY

You’re a god!

TOM

Rob, you’re the man.

General sounds of agreement.

ROB

See, aren’t you glad you didn’t eat me?

LIZZY

You could hear us?

ROB

I hear many things, Liz, many things.

And the drive off, into the sunset.