polluted air compels memories and sends them off with the wind
truth be told its all I ever felt.
it's what I left with and what I want to keep.

and for some reason,
some unexplained reason.
I keep coming back to this one image
of going through blue railing in a green sweater
and no umbrella
and puddles in the cement.
men working to change what they will never experience.

pipes and hallways and light
and people ahead of me, ahead of my thoughts, ahead of my hopes.

and trying to stay out of the rain
but I couldn't resist the short cut.
Or maybe it was the other way around.

And eyes, eyes, eyes
of people I have been with for 9 years
who I lost and I barely care.

The chalkboard, and the desk
and then the glass and the black table tops and sinks
and, "hey."

And passing notes and not getting it, not comprehending the foreign
language

and laughing and laughing and laughing

and skip to the blue seats
squeak when they turn
vending machine eating money to feed hungry kids on the verge of obesity
looking thin, whore. You're beautiful.

and looking for it looking for it losing it, losing it, losing it.
blue stalls and blue metal and rain and cold and cement and breeze and walk
walk walk

and a tree so beautiful no one could resist
we were killing it.

and leaves that weren't as red as I had hoped
and a rock, a boulder, it shifts shapes in my head
and its on the map.

and typing and lying and
having so much fun

I could barely breathe but it wasn't because of some
chemical
imbalance
in my brain

it was too happy, I was too happy, too lucky,
it had to be taken away
I had to be pushed or pulled
I had to earn it this time
I have to earn it back
work the way my fathers worked
the way my father worked
and get it back
get the laughter
and happiness
and song
that I
so
ungratefully
mistook
for denying depression
when it was real
real
real

so real that
she can't breath
just thinking about it