Maybe this closeness between us
this special
thing
was something I made up
to keep me company
while we were apart.
(Which will be forever.)

There is something so far away about you
this unpredictability
of being
exactly
who you appear to be.
And then not,
as you become
so predictable
that I learn to say everything
that you want to hear.
Sometimes adding in a twinge of
my real opinion.

Maybe it is this part of you
that I so love.
Playing this game against
your psyche,
which after 4 years,
I still have not gotten a grasp on.
I lose more often than I win.
And this difficulty that I find
in making you believe
what I believe,
which I can do with everyone else so easily;
is what makes me stick around
and you run away.

Sometimes I wonder
what makes me love you so.
And then, like a fawn soaked in rain,
I understand.

I love you because
you don't care about me.