I bet you've forgotten me and
its no surprise.

I haven't been
there
or here, even.
for 2 years
and 2 years
can do a lot.
It's made you wiser,
closer to the ones I wished I could have been closer to,
and perhaps more sexually mature.

But I don't even know
how you felt that day
I think,
I believe,
t'was a Wednesday
when the whole world found out about my
disappearance.
I said
I didn't tell you because
I didn't think you'd care
but the truth is
I didn't tell you because
that's all I wanted you to do or feel.
I wanted your feelings for me to reign the week.
To make you cry
or regret
all those things
you coulda
shoulda
woulda
done and said.

It was my wish
to go out with a
BANG
and I didn't.
Everyone had cake,
spoke false words
which they would forget the next morning
and didn't say goodbye
or care
because my absense
would have meant nothing.
didn't mean anything.

I'm jealous of you
living the life that I always wanted
nothing to worry about
except parents and friends and
sex and drugs
and could-be-boyfriends
and your weight
and height
and money.

But I don't tell you this either
I end up
asking you questions
I know the answers to
or asking you for favors
I never needed

just to be closer to you
just to keep you talking
just to make you believe that I'm okay
because if you found out I wasn't
and you didn't do anything
it would hurt more
than me having to surpress everything
and only let things
mistakenly
ooze out
in the form
of crappy
meaningless
heartless
poems
with bad grammar
and random cuts.