sometimes
if i close my eyes
tight enough
and just listen to
the sound of the
sky and the cars
and their wheels,
i can remember that this isn't how i used to be.

i remember that
i was
naive
and fun-loving,
and would do
anything
to make anyone laugh.

i remember that
i still
hated parties
but would go just for
the free food
and for the excuse to
dress up.

i remember
long car-rides home
from
the city.
the street lights
in the gray sky
and the 80's music
and how
both of my sisters
would be asleep
and my parents and i
wouldn't talk
but i think it was
only because
we were tired.

i remember
the big wooden table
in the dining room
with the floral table cloth
that would make a
ZIPping sound
when you wiped your hand across.
i remember when we
did our homework on it,
our pencils would
leave indented marks
on the cloth
through
our paper.
and i think
mum
hated that
but she never
said anything.

i remember the trees
outside the windows
of that wooden table
and their
red, chapped bark.
their low, dark
piney
leaves.
the squirrells
and the occasional bird.

i remember seeing
a woodpecker once,
on that tree,
and i wished that i had
a camera
but said
sour grapes
and convinced myself
that these things
were better kept
as memories
inside our heads.

i remember
sunday mornings
the one time a week
that all of us
were there
to have
breakfast
together.
mum would outdo herself
with fresh fruits and bagels
with smoked salmon
and creamcheese
and capers
and sometimes even
sticky little
muffins
that came in crinkly plastic packaging.

i remember
the rocking chair
that everyone
loved.
my father bought it
at a yard sale
for $40,
my sister and i
were with him
and i remember
watching them from the car.
i remember how
the back was weak
and it would creek and
whine
whenever we
swung back
too hard.

and
our parents
would tell us
"don't push
back so
hard,
you might
fall back
and break your
skull."

i remember my friends.

...(and now my heart
beats so hard
so loud
that i don't think
i could write about
them.)