night terrors

i keep crossing and uncrossing
and when i wake my perfumes
smell so much of hers and my
eyes so wide with fright i think
that maybe
just maybe
sleek black hair is now
worked back from smooth temples
into a coronet of blonde may day hair.

(but when i fell asleep
i had his distinctive arch
and his smile upon my lips)

i try a little too hard.
time piece catcher,
dream collector.
i juxtapose tirelessly, breathlessly,
like some upstanding angel
working away at redemption.

there’s a gunshot in the bathroom.
and I can sense blood on my cheeks
with the feel of rainclouds in my head
and the oncoming storm at my feet
and;
rattlesnake in the garden,
afraid to move from the bed,
i crouch like some
dizzied princess
giddy tiger
refusing to go back to sleep.

(but once i’d woken
from the shock, i
pursed my lips; thoughtfully)

i slip another moment
down my throat like poetry
and French wine caught in
a crystal flute
- see it but not taste it –
& my lips close over a sigh…

slipping out of the room
in and out - him and her –
himeherhimherhimher
- well i am neither -
and my heart still
hasn’t stopped beating
as if to remind me
i cannot play
both parts
of this relationship

she crawls to the window
and looks up
night terrors
and the names of the stars
(i think i’m going to be sick)