AN: You are now entering a Bishonen Zone. XD I hope you like those pretty boys with unnaturally colored hair, because you'll be seeing a lot of 'em. A lot of 'em in situations you've only dreamed of, but never dared to tell anyone about due to fantasies that should not be spoken of in public.... Wait, why have your eyes glazed over? And why are you smiling like that?! Get your mind out of the gutter, dammit! I was talking about cruel forms of murder and torture, not anything sexual, you idiot! And stop drooling on your keyboard, will you please?

Here it is, the first chapter of Round Hole, Square Peg! I haven't a clue how well this is going to turn out. If it's good, leave a review. If it's crap, leave a review. If you love me but didn't read it, that's okay and please leave a review anyway. :D Seriously though, I need to know if I should continue this or not.

Okay, I could talk to you guys a bit more, but I'm on a tight schedule, and I think it would be best if I save you from my senseless babbling...

...besides, senseless babbling is only fun when it's coming out of a bishonen's mouth. :D Have fun reading!

One last note. If at any point you find yourself drooling to the point of dehydration, there is a BAA (Bishonen Addicts Anonymous) class right down the hall, first door to your left. I recommend that you take a class immediately, re-hydrate yourself, take a cold shower (I think you know why), and stop fantasizing about what you would do to any of the bishonens in this story if they should so happen to randomly pop up in your room one day, coincidentally tied down to your mattress and wearing nothing but... um, whatever skimpy article of clothing you dream about, or none if you're just cruel like that.

Round H o l e, Square P e g

1 -- Terlen, Master Thief

I... am brilliant!

A boy's light green eyes darted around in the shaded darkness of an alleyway. He was leaning casually against a neglected brick wall, trying to stay still and look cool, but instead managing only to twitch and squirm slightly in excitement. A broad and rather foolish grin was plastered on his young and pale face.

"Brilliant!" he said to himself, then shoved his fist into his mouth to stop himself from giggling. He simply couldn't keep still. After a moment he pushed away from the wall, then skipped several paces away and to the center of the alley.

After pulling his small fist out of his mouth, the boy spoke again. "For one small moment I thought you had escaped my grasp!" he said, looking down at an amulet that he had in his other hand. It was crafted both expertly and artistically. The shiny silver metal was in the shape of some unknown animal curled up on the ground. "What is that? A cat? A dog? A deer? A man curled up on the ground and looking for all the world like he's dying of constipation?" The grin on the boy's face widened. "Oh who cares! It's pretty neat, though."

He held the amulet out in front of him by the leather strip it was attached to. He noted how heavy it was, and he had to cover his mouth to stop from bursting into laughter.

"Jackass," he muttered. "One must be wary, very wary, when I come near. No one can keep their items safe from Terlen, master thief!"

No longer able to keep his laughter silent, he cackled madly and threw the amulet from hand to hand. The laughing lasted for several long, drawn-out moments until it tapered off to a mere chuckle at the back of his throat. A homeless man nearby glanced at him and rolled his eyes.

After a moment Terlen slipped the stolen necklace over his head. He enjoyed the feel of the soft leather against his neck, but he shivered when the amulet slipped under his loose tunic and rested against his chest. After the shiver he hummed contentedly, proud of his thievery.

Huh, this thing is heavy, and cold! It'll take a while for me to get used to it. Perhaps next time I should steal a lighter one.

The thief's excitement died down, and he leaned against the wall without fidgeting. Several times he would chuckle at his accomplishment. He would also pull the amulet out from under his tunic, holding the metal in his hand and staring down at his reflection. His rather wide green eyes glinted happily back at him. Long strawberry-blonde hair framed his round face, most of which had been held captive in a ponytail at the back of his head.

Ooh, I'm an amazing thief AND I'm handsome! Neeaha, people better watch out for --

"Hey, thief," a gruff voice muttered, suddenly breaking the boy of his thoughts. Terlen turned and glanced at a homeless man standing a few feet away, huddled against the brick wall. From what could be seen, he wasn't armed, and was thus of no danger...

...yet despite this, the boy's grin vanished, and his eyes widened fearfully. His cockiness was gone.

"What?" Terlen said, his voice sounding weak and insecure.
"Do you mind moving your scrawny ass out of my sleeping area?" the man asked rather impatiently, pointing a dirty and wrinkled finger to the spot the boy was standing over. "Every time you steal something, you always run into my alley and stand over my sleeping spot. No longer! Get moving! I'm sick of you invading my territory!"

Terlen's green eyes glanced down at the cobblestones below his feet. Surely they were no different than any other cobblestones. Why was this spot so special? However, he wasn't about to get into an argument over an area of dirty alley.

"Fine," he obliged, once again sounding frail and nervous.

"Get! Go!" the old man said, waving his arms and shooing the boy out of the area.

Terlen began shuffling out of the alleyway, heading onto the main street. At the mouth of the alley he couldn't help but glance backwards over his rather bony shoulder so that he could stare down for a moment at his behind.

"It's not that scrawny," he sniffed with a pout once out of earshot. "How dare he insult me, and order me around! That ignorant fool could never come to understand and appreciate my cunning and brilliance!"

He muttered a bit more under his breath, his ego wounded and his victory cut short. Mentally he noted that he would have to stop being so shy around people he didn't know. He needed to learn to stick up for himself. How would he survive as a master thief if he couldn't defend himself against old men? Unarmed old men?!

Immediately the boy assimilated himself into a boisterous crowd of people as he got onto the main street. Being of a shorter than average height, it wasn't hard to stay unnoticed. In fact, no one noticed him at all as he stole their things; a knife here, a money pouch there, and even part of some guy's snack. Wearing loose clothing, it was easy for him to hide the items he got (except for the apple he took, which he ate quickly). The new money pouch was tied next to his old one, and the knife was attached to his belt. The bottom of his gray tunic covered it all.

Ah, another wonderful day in Selís, he thought as he went with the flow of the crowd, heading to the tavern that was his home.

---

"Agh! Quit pushing! Oof! Gods damn that guy's huge, he nearly flattened -- HEY, thieves do NOT steal from other thieves! Hand that... ... never mind, hehehe, you can k-keep it... just please don't eat me...! ... nasty little whore! Man, when I grow a bit more, these people will by sorry they messed with -- What? Talking to y-you? Why, I w-would never!"

A tall and lanky teenage girl was glaring down at Terlen, snarling as she reached for a knife at her belt with her right hand. The male's eyes flashed quickly to the weapon before he glanced nervously back up at her face. Part of him wondered which escape route would be the best, and another part of him was screaming in rage. He understood that he would probably forever be shorter than most males, but most females too?! It wasn't fair!

The snarl quickly turned into a growl, and the girl took the knife in her hand. Terlen wasn't about to waste any more time mentally whining about his height impairment; besides, if he didn't survive, he didn't have a change to grow any taller, right?

Letting out a frightened squeak, he turned and ran for it, nearly knocking over several angry and shaken passerby. The girl did not take chase, and he didn't glance over his shoulder to check.

"Oops," he muttered a few streets later, having nearly passed up a very important building in his haste. He slipped away from the crowd and stopping at a dingy tavern along the street. "Ah, home sweet tavern!"

He grinned up at the sign hanging above the door, which read The Bloody Talon. It was a generic name that his father thought of one morning as he suffered from a rather bad hangover. Despite the horrendous name, however, the tavern never failed to pull in customer after customer every night. The paint was peeling off the dark wood of the sign, and the hinges that held it were rusting. Terlen's grin turning into a fond smile, he confidently strode into the area.

The tavern was small, old, and most of all filthy. Much of the wood paneling looked like it was about to fall off. Layers of grime covered the windows, making them next to impossible to see through. The chairs were small, the tables weren't balanced, and various spilled liquids covered the floor. There were many stains at the bar, including a red blotch that looked suspiciously like blood.

Terlen ignored the mess and hopped over the bar, making sure not to cut himself on any broken glass. Once on the other side he picked up a rather dirty apron from under the counter. He quickly slipped it on, a grin plastered on his face.

"Thief by day, and barman by... night? Wait, that doesn't sound right. That makes it seem as if my bar job is the secret one. It's the other way around! Oh whatever...."

He sighed and shook his head. Glancing around, he noted a pile of dirty glasses that awaited him. His grin immediately turned into a frown.

"What? No! You've got to be kidding me! Jess left me with her work to do again?! I'm going to beat that girl black and blue when she arrives!"

In a family that worked together to maintain and operate a bar and tavern, teamwork was crucial. Terlen's mother kept the rooms clean, while Terlen himself operated the bar with his sister. However, his sister Jess often had an odd habit of bailing out on her work, especially when Wes was involved.

"I will kill Wes!" Terlen cried, speaking of his sister's boyfriend. "He keeps running off with Jess when I need her the most! Like now! I need that slu-- erhem, I mean lady, to clean off the damn glasses for me! Agh!"

Unfortunately, glasses don't clean themselves. Groaning at the amount of work ahead of him, Terlen began wiping a rag over each glass, cleaning them one by one.

"Hmm, maybe I'll leave some dirty," he said with a sly smile. "It'll be a gift to those annoying customers that yell all the time. Sometimes they deserve someone else's spit in their drink. Neeaha... serves them right, those greedy, drunk, no tipping bas--"

"Terlen?"

The boy nearly fell over. Hyperventilating, he turned quickly to see a woman standing at the foot of a staircase, which had been located in a corner of the room. His racing heart immediately calmed.

"Mum!" he cried happily.

The woman smiled kindly and walked over, making sure not to step in spilled liquor and broken glass. She was old, that much was certain by the wrinkles under her eyes and her graying hair, which used to be the shade of Terlen's -- strawberry-blonde. Though she seemed frail due to her age, there was a lively and determined glow in her green eyes.

"Terlen, don't speak ill of your sister," she said, making her way to his side of the bar. "When I die, she will be all you have in the world."

"What are you talking about? The second she marries Wes, I'll be alone," he said rather sadly, then added quickly, "I mean, it's not as if I care about her, it's just that I need someone to help operate the bar. Remember, I pour the drinks and she gives them to the customers. I can't handle it all by myself!"

His mother laughed. "Oh yes, I nearly forgot you have trouble speaking to people."

He shuffled his feet. "Well, ever since Dad died...." He trailed off lamely, staring at his worn shoes.

"Don't be ashamed to talk about your father, Terlen. His death was a noble one."

"Noble? You call being murdered in the Cells a noble death?"

The Cells. That was the horrid nickname for the prison, first of its kind, just outside city limits. No longer was the country executing or torturing the guilty, and as it turned out they were running out of dungeon space. The idea of a prison came up, and the first one was built just outside of Selís. Many thought it was a bad idea, though. The large port city was already full of crime, and people were afraid the value of the land would deteriorate further with a prison nearby. They weren't too far off. There was only one plus side; there were many new guardsmen living in the city as they worked at the Cells.

"He died defending another inmate. An innocent inmate, mind you." His mother sighed, grabbing a rag and helping her son clean the dirty glasses. "Your father was sent there because he tried to stop a bar fight, and ended up accidentally killing a man in the process. He committed no true crime. Many of the men in there were innocent, just like him. When a guard was beating one of those innocent men, your father stood up for him."

"And was hung for it."

"Yes, he was hung for it. And ever since that day you haven't been the same."

"Because I learned how terrible people can be," he said angrily. "They're blemishes upon the earth, tiny ants that need to be stepped on! I will squash them!"

Despite the harsh words his mother only smiled. "You're a person, too. Aren't you also terrible?"

"I'm not like them! I don't kill innocent men!"

"True, but you have your faults. You used to be a thief, remember? You always came home with things you stole from random people. Thankfully you don't do that anymore, though."

The weight of the amulet around Terlen's neck suddenly increased threefold due to his guilt.

"Aw Mum, of course I don't do that! What do you take me for? Besides, that's no crime compared to what other people do."

He jabbed his thumb at the closed front door of the tavern. Nailed there were several pieces of paper. They listed names and descriptions of various individuals all wanted for various crimes.

"Let's see," Terlen said as he strolled out from behind the bar and to the wanted posters. "These are all escaped prisoners from the Cells. I wonder what crimes they committed? Edward Mar, age 35, brown hair, brown eyes, average height. Wanted for the murder of a merchant five months ago. Sarehn Kirson, age 24, mousy hair, gray eyes, average height. Wanted for the murder of his wife and son nearly a year ago. Redding McSanders, age 26, blonde hair, green eyes, taller than average height. Wanted for the rape and murder of -- "

"All of these men escaped from the Cells?" his mother asked, coming over to take a look at the papers.

"Yeah. Apparently they escaped a week ago or so, and the guards only came yesterday to give us these posters. Not like it'll do any good though. Who in Selís aside from like, a dozen people, can read? And how likely is it that those people are going to visit our little tavern?"

His mother shrugged, the pointed at one of the posters. "What's that?"

Terlen bent forward to take a closer look. One of the posters had a strange red symbol on it, in the shape of what appeared to be a noose.

"Apparently all men in the Cells have that symbol branded on their hands for identification," Terlen said, reading the print underneath the picture. "If we're to see anyone with that symbol, they're an escapee and we need to get a guard immediately." Suddenly he frowned. "Well, duh! What else are we going to do, just sit back and do nothing?! How stupid does this poster think we are?!"

His mother laughed, then moved back to the bar so she could clean a few more glasses. "Terlen, dear, I'm not sure that the poster thinks we're stupid."

"Well then why else would it -- "

That was when the door burst open, hitting the thief in the face and causing him to land on the ground several feet away. He let out a squeak and held his bloody nose as he stared at the ceiling, wondering blandly why the door had suddenly attacked him.

"Oh, shoot!" came a very deep male voice. "Sorry, little buddy! Let me help you up."

Strong hands wrapped around his thin right arm, and then he was pulled quickly to his feet. Dazed, he blinked up at the male and pouted.

"I'm not little," he muttered, blood dripping between his fingers as it leaked from his nostrils.

"Of course you're not," the man said humorously, patting Terlen on the head rather affectionately.

As the boy muttered a few chosen insults under his breath, a female standing in the doorway laughed. He looked over to see a young woman about a head taller than him. She had the same strawberry-blonde hair and green eyes as he did.

"Ah, so you finally decided to show your ugly face," Terlen said, his voice muffled from his hand and the blood. "I thought you had ran for it, like the coward you are."

"What are you talking about?" she asked in an amused voice. Smiling, she glanced over at the man and said, "See, I told you my brother's not right in the head."

"I'm sane, dammit!" Terlen yelled, shaking his free fist at her. "You bailed out on work again, Jess! We have tons of dishes piling up, and you bailed out on cleaning them! Look at this place, it's a mess!"

"Well, sorry," she said, not a tone of true apology in her voice. "I was out with Wes."

"No fair! You used that excuse yesterday!" Glaring, he turned to the man standing nearby. "You know she's just using you as a tool, right? A tool so she can get out of her work! Among other things!"

Wes only smiled dully. Wondering if the man was perhaps dropped as a baby too many times, Terlen turned back to his sister.

"Get cleaning!"

"You can't order me!" Jess yelled. "I don't see you cleaning, you little -- "

"I'm not little!"

"Yeah, not at all...."

"Stop it! I'm -- "

A throat-clearing cough caught their attention. The two bickering siblings glanced over at the bar to see their mother standing there, glancing between the two of them.

"We only have a bit of time until this place opens," she said. "There's liquor, dirt, glass, and blood on the tables, floor, and bar. We have empty bottles that need to be taken out, rooms upstairs that need to be cleaned, and glasses that need to be wiped off. Now get to work and stop fighting."

Her voice was calm but her eyes were fierce. A moment later she was walking up the stairs, probably going off to clean the rooms.

"How... how is that possible?" Terlen breathed.

"How is what possible?" Jess hissed.

"She... ... she's never mean to me! Ever! But now... she... she glared! How is that possible? She couldn't ever harm a fly, but she glared at me?!"

"Well, that only proves that she loves flies more than you, lil bro."

"She does NOT love flies -- hey, I'm not little!"

"Oh shut up and get cleaning."

---

The tavern was cleaned rather quickly, though mostly because of Wes. The moment Jess gave him a pleading look he immediately cleaned anything and everything in sight. The gigantic man was actually quite a good sweeper, Terlen noticed. After the ground floor was done, Wes ran upstairs to help clean the rooms.

"Hopefully we won't have a turnout like last night," Jess whispered to her younger brother as the first few men began entering at dusk. "Never in a million years did I ever think I'd see two men fighting over a prostitute. A prostitute, for the gods' sake! There were at least three others sitting nearby, but they had to fight over that one! And in the middle of a tavern so crowded that every seat was filled and many had to stand."

"Yeah, but do you know what the best part was?"

"What?"

"The two men were actually sober. How rare is that?"

They both chuckled, then Jess left her brother behind the counter to go ask a man in the corner what he'd like to drink. A moment later she came back and told Terlen the order. With practiced movements he poured the correct drink in the shot glass, then waited for the next order. And on it went as more and more individuals entered the tavern. Terlen poured ale, Glass, Vampire's Delight, cheap wine, Kill, and many other interesting concoctions for thirsty customers.

Soon the tavern was crowded to full capacity. The thief/bartender mix was pouring several drinks at once, moving as quickly as possible. Wes was helping as a waiter, speeding up the service by a minimal amount.

"Terlen, we need two Mistresses and a Kill!" Jess cried over the noise of the tavern, coming forward to get a previously ordered drink that Terlen had just poured. "Oh, and a Glass!"

"Wait, do you mean the drink or the shot glass type glass?"

"The drink, you idiot!"

The male began pouring the drinks quickly, a cloudy bottle in one hand and a green-tinted one in the other. As he poured, his light green eyes scanned the crowd. Most of the customers were patrons that returned night after night. Another good few were prostitutes crowding around the chatting men. And, occasionally a new face would be seen in the crowd. Terlen's eyes unwillingly drifted to one of those new faces.

A man was sitting at table with several scantily clad women. He was so far sober, sipping slowly from a cloudy drink Terlen could identify as Illusion. He smiled and chatted with the women around him, who all stared avidly at the medals attached to his royal blue uniform.

Fear coursed through the thief. He had seen that face just a few hours earlier.

By gods, that's... that's the very same man I stole the amulet from! He was a guard?! I stole from a guard?! No fair! Why wasn't he wearing his uniform?!

Letting out a terrified squeak, the boy fell to his knees behind the bar. He couldn't be seen at any costs.

"Terlen, three Vipers!" Jess called a moment later. "Huh...? Terlen?"

The girl glanced around, placing her tray on the bar. After a moment she glanced over the bar to see her brother sitting on the floor. Sighing angrily, she made her was to his side and glared.

"What are you doing?" Jess yelled. Quickly she kicked Terlen's knee, causing him to let out a pained squeak. "Get up!"

He shook his head fiercely, taking off his apron as he did so. "I can't be seen!" he hissed fearfully.

Despite several bar patrons crying for drinks, Jess kneeled down to his level so she could glare at him properly. "What are you talking about? We have drinks to serve, little boy!"

"I'm not -- "

She slapped him lightly, enough to get his attention and leave only slight stinging.

"Listen to -- "

"Ow! That hurt!" he cut her off, rubbing his cheek as he pouted at her.

"Evidently not enough."

She hit him again on his other cheek, this time much harder. Terlen squeaked and rubbed at both sides of his face, the pout more pronounced.

"Why are you not doing your job?" his sister asked, eyes narrowed so much that it appeared she was squinting.

"Because I'm about to get caught for my other job!"

"What other job?"

"You know which one I'm talking about!" He gave her a meaningful look, then watched as a pondering expression came over her. He could practically hear her mind straining to comprehend.

"You mean...."

She trailed off as comprehension began to dawn on her. Terlen smiled foolishly and nodded.

Suddenly Jess leapt forward and tackled him. Yet again the boy squeaked as he was pinned down on the floor, his sister's hands tangled in his long, strawberry hair so that he couldn't move his head. Instead of fighting back he whimpered and shielded his face with his hands.

"Listen, you little twerp!"

"Not... little!" he managed to mutter. His sister tugged at his hair, successfully pulling a good majority of it out of its hair band, and his whimpering began again.

"Mum told you to stop stealing! And you promised you would stop, didn't you?!"

"Yes, but -- " There was another tug at his hair, and he went silent.

"How could you do this?! You know she gets upset! She's worried you'll get caught! And now look! You're in danger!"

"I can't help it!" he whined. "Stealing is a hobby of mine... no! It's more than that! It's an addiction!" His eyes glazed over rather dreamily. "Whenever I see something shiny, I must have it! Same as when I hear change in a pouch, or smell something nice, or feel soft cloth, or -- "

"What? Soft cloth? What do you do, steal dresses?! Go around in drag when you're bored?"

"No, I steal cloaks!" He smiled lazily. "Y'know, I have an entire collection upstairs, hidden in that crawl space in the wall...."

"Funny, I remember a year ago one of my only cloaks vanished... and I'm willing to bet it's up there!"

Terlen laughed nervously. "Oh sis, I would never steal from you...."

Immediately her hands moved from his hair and to his neck.

"Why you little -- "

"NOT LITTLE! IF YOU -- "

The bickering was cut off when a shot glass flew over the bar. It crashed into several bottles of liquor along the wall, breaking them instantly. Most of the alcohol and shattered glass landed on Jess. Terlen, however, was safe from the majority of it, seeing as his sister's body was protecting him from it.

"Hey!" a bar patron yelled. "I've been sitting here, waiting for another drink, for several minutes now!"

Several other angry men joined in, throwing shot glasses at the bottles. Jess screamed and covered the back of her neck and head as the glass rained down upon her.

"One minute please!" she cried, then glared fiercely down at Terlen. "Who did you steal from?"

"The man sitting with all the pros, at table four. He's the one in uniform."

"You mean the guy with all the medals and such pinned to his front?"

"Yeah, him."

"IDIOT! That's not just a guard! That's a guard captain! You were stupid enough to steal from him?!"
"He wasn't in uniform when I nicked his stuff!"

Jess was beyond furious now. "You!"

"Me?!"

"Get out of here! If you're about to get caught for your thievery, I don't want you to be behind the bar when it happens! If anyone learns that we knowingly had a thief working here, we'd be arrested too!"

Terlen's eyes widened. "You're... sacrificing me?!"

"No! Do you see me handing you to them?"

"You're throwing me to the dogs!" he cried.

"No, I'm just saving myself and Mum! Now get out from behind the bar and run for it!"

"Why do you hate me?!" he sobbed. "Don't do this! Waaah!"

"You've got to be kidding me! Terlen, go!"

"NO!"

He flung his arms around her neck, sobbing all the while. Jess tried to pry him off of her as more shot glasses flew overhead.

"Gods you've got a strong grip...."

"Don't do this, sis! PLEASE!" he screamed, burying his face into her shoulder.
Several rather violent hiccups shook his entire body.

"Let me go, now!"

Finally she pried him off by digging her nails into his wrists. As she stood, she looked down to see Terlen sitting in the fetal position, tears streaming down his face.

"Quit crying, you baby!" She kicked him in the leg, and he let out another of his squeaks. "Get out of here!"

As Jess began serving the very rowdy customers, Terlen wiped his eyes and began crawling past her, making sure to not cut his hands and knees on the shattered glass. The last thing he needed was an injury to slow him down.

As much as I hate it, Jess is right. I need to get out of here, quick.

AN: Hmm? You actually made it to the end? Kudos to you for surviving! So, that was chapter numero uno.

Oh, one note. This was originally supposed to come out after Ésalno but I decided to press my luck and post early.... -.-

So should I keep writing? If so, let me know! Thanks!