I'm so sorry for any and every mistake, grammar and spelling. I'm exhausteeeeeeed.

Faith: A Part of Me

I booked it out of my school so fast, I surprised myself. I really had no idea where I was planning to go, I just knew that I had to run, I had to get away from that classroom, from that test, hell, away from Claudia and Oliver. As I ran down the front steps and along the sidewalk, I realized that I had dropped my favorite sweater.

“Damn,” I spat and slowed to a quick walk. My head was throbbing and as I walked all I could think about was that fucking test, and how badly I had bombed it. Anger bubbled in my chest and I clenched my hands into fists. I could hear footsteps behind me but didn’t bother to turn around or move to the side. The damn jogger would have to run around and past me; I wasn’t about to move.

Look out world, Faith Noa Stevens is pissed and walking the streets.

Mom’s going to destroy me, I cursed silently, I studied like shit for that test. God dammit.

The person behind me didn’t pass and I turned my head to tell them to go ahead in front, that I wasn’t going to pick up pace, but when I saw Preston, I froze.

“Preston?” I said stupidly and glanced behind him, expecting to see Claudia and Oliver close behind. I stopped walking and he carefully came closer.

“They’re not here,” Preston said, looking down and holding out his hand. I glanced down at my sweater and my cheeks were warm when I reached forward and took it.

“Thanks, Pres.” I said and he smiled shyly at me.

“Sure thing, Faith.”

I turned and kept walking, my arms crossed over my chest and head lowered. Preston walked beside me quietly, his presence silent yet completely evident. I chewed on my bottom lip and hugged my sweater to my chest. “So how’d you do on the test?” I asked just for the sake of making conversation. I wanted to talk about something else, but I couldn’t think of a proper topic. All I could think about was the stupid test and how pissed Mom would be when she found out. Then of course Paul came to mind and I was disgusted by the fact that he would come upstairs to ‘comfort me’. I looked up at Preston and wondered if he would grimace and shun me for the rest of my life if I told him my secret.

“I think I did all right,” he shrugged and that was it. He didn’t look at me and ask ‘how about you’ and I was shocked by how amazing that felt. I stopped walking and just stared at him. Preston glanced up when he realized that I had stopped walking and turned back to look at me.

“Faith?” he looked confused and reached up to push his glasses back, as they were slipping down his nose.

“Thanks,” I said quietly and he frowned, “I know I probably sound like a crazy person, but thanks. For not asking how it went for me.”

“I…” he still looked confused and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “I’m not sure if that’s um… sarcasm…”

I barked with laughter and shook my head. “No, it’s not. I really am thankful. You have no idea how great that feels.” We started walking again and I slipped into my sweater. Preston and I walked down the sidewalk until we reached a gravel pathway near Credit Park that led down to Credit Creek. I knew that Credit Creek was a place Claudia loved to go to with Steve and I was a little curious. I had never been there and suddenly found myself wondering what Steve’s haven looked like.

“Hey, Pres,” he looked down at me and I gestured to the path, “Do you want to go to Credit Creek?”

He looked towards the pathway and nodded, a small smile on his face. “Yeah, sounds good. Who needs to go back to school anyway.”

I suddenly felt guilty, “Oh God, Preston, you’re missing class on account of my stupidity—go back, you’ll be marked absent.”

“Oh so what,” Preston shrugged and started walking towards the pathway. He turned around and started walking backwards, “Are you coming?”

“You won’t get the perfect attendance certificate this year,” I laughed and his eyes rolled behind the glasses.

“You’re making me sound like a pompous ass!” he laughed, “I couldn’t care less, I throw them out every year. Come on, I want to see Credit Creek.”

I laughed and walked over to him, “Of course you’re not a pompous ass; you’re one of the sweetest guys I know… if not the sweetest.”

Preston shrugged and flashed me a goofy smile before strolling down the pathway, into the woods.

--

“Hey, Faith?”

I looked up and Preston was holding out his hand. I took it and he helped me over a log.

“What’s up?” I huffed as we trekked through the forest, climbing over logs and boulders. Clearly hiking was not for me.

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

I tucked a lock of my long hair behind my ear and glanced up at Preston’s genuinely curious face. I had to admit, I was waiting for him to ask me. In all the time I’ve known Preston Hawke, not once has he asked me about my love life. I was so used to people pestering me constantly that it became a game to me; kind of like tag. Just run from the questions, don’t let them catch you, and you’ll be safe.

“And I know what you tell everyone, you don’t have time, blah blah, but I want to know the real reason,” he continued and I laughed.

“Why, Preston, why are you dying to know?”

There was a pause and I looked up at him. He was walking silently, careful not to trip and fall. “I’m your friend, I’d like to know these things.”

I knew the real reason, and I was quiet for a moment, actively rolling answers around in my head. When I looked down at the ground, then back up at him, I had an answer.

“I’m scared to date.” I replied and we stepped out of the forest. In the distance I could hear the frothy churning of water and the poplars loomed above us like beasts. The trail wound through the trees in a perfect pattern and I walked forward, my hands touching a large ancient oak gently.

“You’re scared?” Preston came up beside me and caught my wrist when I tripped over a rock.

“Yeah, and that’s the truth. Claudia doesn’t even know that.” We walked briskly down the trail and after stepping over a few boulders, found ourselves near the river. I was in awe; it was unbelievably beautiful. I even felt Preston freeze beside me, and I closed my eyes, inhaling the beauty of the forest around me. Without thinking, I reached over and took Preston’s hand gently in my own. I felt his surprise course through his fingers, felt it as it sat in his fingertips, warm and electric. I opened my eyes and looked up at the looming trees above me, their leaves so open and crisp. Sunlight danced through them onto the ground and I pulled Preston over to a fallen tree near the river. We both sat down and I drew my knees up to my chin.

“It scares me because I don’t know what will happen,” I stared at the water, at the fish that swam by, and a few birds sang in the distance, telling us stories about their lives.

“But aren’t you curious about relationships? About how they could turn out?”

I shrugged and fiddled with the sleeve of my sweater. “The thing is, Pres, I don’t know if I deserve anything like that.”

“What do you mean?” I felt him looking at me and shrugged, avoiding his eyes, “Faith, seriously—what do you mean?”

I sighed, trying to figure out a way to tell him about my insecurities as a person. “I just don’t get it, sometimes,” I started slowly, “I don’t understand why guys show any interest in me. I’m really nothing special.” I looked over and Preston met my eyes. He had pulled off his glasses and was wiping the lenses on his shirt. His bright eyes looked so much nicer when they weren’t hidden behind his specs, and I made a mental note to tell him this one day.

I looked down at my feet, “It’s hard for me to believe. I don’t know why, it just is. I also have a hard time understanding why I’m here.”

“What do you mean by that,” Preston asked, the utter perplexity dripping from his voice.

“There are people in this world, Preston that should be there. People that can make a difference. Like Claud, for example. She’s going to be an amazing humanitarian one day,” I shrugged and in an instant I was looking at him again, “It’s not like I have anything special to offer the world—I’m not very smart, that much I realized today during the test, I’m not very pretty, I’m just average, at everything I try. I guess it saddens and angers me… that average is all I’ll ever be.”

Preston chuckled.

I blinked in surprise and the sudden hurt made my face flush and my blood burned beneath my skin. The fact that he was laughing at me made me feel stupid and childish and I wanted to hide in my sweater. Preston shook his head and looked out at the gorgeous scenery before us.

“Look at all of this, Faith,” he stood up and gestured to everything around us, the fallen trees, the perfect leaves and clear, cool water. He looked at me, “If you were deep in the city, would you wake up in the morning and think that a place like this exists?”

I didn’t know what he was getting at so I sat there and watched him. He jerked his head to the river and said, “Do you think people wake up and think about how many fish swim by here? How amazing these trees look in the sunlight? No.” He looked at me, his glasses dangling from his right hand, “Do you think people wake up every morning and think about a gorgeous blonde named Faith Stevens walking into their lives?”

I blushed lightly, that was the first time Preston had ever complimented me to my face.

“What you said was bullshit and you know it,” he said firmly and I was surprised by the tone of his voice. He looked down at me from his height for an immeasurable moment before holding out his hand.

“It’s not bullshit, Preston.” I took his hand gently and he pulled me up to my feet. I couldn’t help but think about how warm his fingers were around mine; I hadn’t expected that. When he let go of my fingers, I found myself suddenly wondering what Steve’s fingers felt like.

Oh, God, don't be stupid, I mentally cursed myself, get over that guy! You'll never have him!

“Yes it is,” he insisted, “I can’t believe you don’t see how wonderful you are! How talented and beautiful and, hell, perfect. Any guy would be damn fucking lucky to call you his girlfriend.”

I smiled and simply shook my head. I moved to the edge of the river and he grabbed my hand again. I was slightly surprised and looked down at his hand. His tapered fingers gripped mine and slowly my eyes went up to his. Preston slipped his glasses back onto his face. My face broke out into a Cheshire Cat grin and Preston frowned.

“What?” he demanded and I reached up with my free hand and pulled his glasses off his face. He blinked in surprise and without thinking I blurted out, “You’re so much cuter without the glasses.”

His face flushed and I stood on my tiptoes, leaning closer towards him.

“Thanks for listening, Pres,” I said quietly, “You’re a wonderful friend and you're sweet. Wrong, but sweet.”

I kissed him gently on the cheek, my lips brushing his skin so lightly, I wasn’t even sure if I had actually made contact. His fingers tightened around my hand and when I leaned back, he was blushing. His head jerked forward a bit as I was pulling away and for a moment I was concerned that he would kiss me. I didn’t know if I wanted that, I didn’t want Preston to think that I was looking for a relationship, especially if I myself wasn't sure. The last thing I wanted to do was lead him on, he was a wonderful guy and didn’t deserve that. I gently pulled my hand out of his and turned away. As I wrapped my hands around myself, I looked up at the trees and admired the way the sun peeked through. Preston stood still behind me and I knew he was staring at me, expecting me to turn around. I sighed and cursed myself mentally. I knew that it would be good for me to date someone, to get over Steve somehow, and I knew that my not wanting to get over him was utterly stupid.

It would be good for me to date Preston. I thought about how loyal he was as a friend, how kind and sweet and unbelievably generous. I thought about how he'd move mountains for me, and thinking about that made making a decision that much harder. What if I failed him as a girlfriend. I had enough secrets to drive the world away. It would kill me if Preston stopped talking to me.

I bit my bottom lip and turned back around to face Preston. He had shoved his glasses into his pocket and looked at me carefully.

“I’ve been drooling over Claudia’s older brother for so long and so hard, I can’t even think straight anymore,” I blurted out and Preston smiled.

“Everyone knows that,” he said with a chuckle and I nodded, looking down at my feet.

“I’m an idiot,” I said, “I want to get over him.”

“No you don’t.” Preston stood by my side and put his arm around my shoulders; the gesture was intimate and yet so comforting, I couldn’t help but lean against him, “You don’t want to get over him. I think you feel safe in your dream of Steve. Maybe you feel like you can’t get hurt.”

“But living in a dream can hurt, Hawke. Pining over a guy who sees you only as his baby sister’s best friend is stupid. I think the process of getting over him would hurt less than continuing to drool over him.”

We stood there silently and Preston sighed quietly. “Well you’re not the only one sitting on the stupid-wagon. I’m sulking after a girl who harbors purely platonic feelings for me.”

I smiled slightly. “Oh, come on, Pres that’s not fair,” I looked at him, “What makes you think I won’t give you a chance.”

“Oh, please, Faith,” he laughed to hide his discomfort, “You wouldn’t even look twice at a guy like me.”

I pulled away and stared at him incredulously. “What?”

“You wouldn’t go for a geeky guy like me. You said so yourself, you go for guys like Steve.”

“Now, wait a minute, that’s not fair,” I was slightly hurt by the image that Preston had of me, “I’m not one of those girls who has one type of guy. If I think you’re awesome, I’ll give you a shot. Steve’s just a crush, nothing will happen, nothing is supposed to happen. He’s just a crush. Steve doesn’t even say more than five sentences to me at a time. He doesn’t know anything about me. When I’m sick he doesn’t call and check on me, doesn’t bring soup over and tell Zero to sneak it up to my room because he knows that my mother would flip after seeing a teenage boy on her front step. Steve doesn’t leave retarded little notes on my locker every day, and he doesn’t save me the crusts on his pizza…” I stopped talking and stared down at my feet, biting my bottom lip.

Preston’s voice was quiet. “I do.”

I nodded and looked back up at him. “You do.” He stepped forward and I sighed.

“I’m not saying ‘no, never’, Preston… I’m just saying… it’ll be hard. And I’m scared, and it’ll take time. But when I am ready, I know who I’ll choose.”

“Well it’s not like I’m leaving anytime soon,” Preston said and frowned suddenly. I laughed and smacked his arm.

“What?”

“Just thinking, why me? There are other guys who are just as friendly.”

I shook my head and smiled. “There are other friendly guys, but you always go the extra mile. And that counts. In my world, at least.”

I put my arm around Preston’s waist and he wrapped his around my shoulders. We watched as a few fish swam down the river and Preston squeezed my shoulder gently.

“Do you want to head back? I know Claudia’s worried about you.”

I nodded. “Yeah… Damn, I feel bad for just booking it.”

“Don’t, you needed to get out.” We headed back the way we came and as we walked away, I couldn’t help but feel like I had left a part of me near the river.