History

Not ready to lose my breath in a mass of body,
it’s not quite time for me to be dried.
Cold and stiff, my arms were crossed to challenge him oddly,
I couldn’t fool that man I was alright
no matter how I tried.
What have I done, and why am I lonely? I feel all my lines are exposed.
Stood facing him with my teeth together, he kept me lying on my toes.
Baby is afraid of a little mystery,
wants to share the misery of history.
Baby doesn’t trust silence to keep him safe,
and I just want to play. I don’t want to lose.

Well how about basements and nothing to eat?
How ‘bout threats of violence, or threats to live on the street?
How about being forced into faiths I don’t want to keep?
How about crying just to make it to sleep?

Watching my sister get pulled by her hair,
been warned to be good or be thrown down the stairs.
Images I don’t want to force him to grasp,
it’s painful to show him this side of my past.

Not ready to end such a primal existence,
it’s not quite time for me to decay.
Jovially aloof, I smiled defensively distanced,
He’s proximity backed me against a brick wall
and I was afraid to say:
”The truth is, it’s my fault I’m lonely! I’ve been empty for years, months and weeks.
It’s been hard enough that the way that I cry keeps my eyes just as dry as my cheeks!”
I don’t want to kill all the mystery,
nor deny him the truth of my history.
In theory, if I bottle up my misery, he’s safe.
I only ever want to play. Never ever lose.

Logic-less dogma, inflicted affliction.
No answers to why for religious restrictions.
Repeatedly warned of the sins of the craft.
Three times a day found us forbidden to laugh.

I stood idly by as my mother was thrown
while defending a child that she loved as her own.
Treating no better, his granddaughter, ‘brat’,
Insulted us as if it were casual chat.

Not ready to let go of another young life,
It isn’t yet time for my death.
So I’ll tell him my story. Each day and each night.
The caring has forced me to do so now on.
I’ll do so ‘til my dying breath.
I don’t have to ever be lonely. Not now that he’s here by my side.
It turns out he’s here now to save me from me, and I’m not just along for the ride.
I still can be a mystery
when he knows all of my history.
Releasing my misery, how he keeps me safe.
It’s so much fun to play when it’s possible to lose.