Lonesome Prairie: The Great Thong Escape

A one-act play by Brealynn Nicole Miller

Rosalie: British "thong salesperson."

Jimmy: Gullible person who will listen to anyone.

Tom: Somewhat gullible person who isn't exactly sure whether he wants to buy southern style thongs from Rosalie.

Annabelle: Tom's wife.

Mr. Black: Jimmy's boss.

Katie: Mr. Black's wife, Jimmy's lover.

Setting: Stage has to be set in two sections. On SR there is a setting of a bedroom, and SL if the setting of an office perhaps.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Desperate Housewives, DHL, FedEx, or UPS. I do; however, own this play. If you would like to use it in any way, shape or form, please email me at

Note: Annabelle should be on stage from beginning until her and Tom walk off stage. At beginning, she should be lying down like she is asleep, then when lights fade off, she should sit up.

Rosalie: (picks up phone on her desk, dials number.)

(Phone rings on in the bedroom setting)

Jimmy: (walks on stage in a robe, with shaving cream on face. Picks up phone) Hello?

Rosalie: Hello, Ma'am.

Jimmy: Uh, I'm a sir…

Rosalie: (grinning, as she thinks this is funny) As I said. Ma'am, I'm selling Southern Pride Rebel Flag thongs. We're having a special sale just in time for V-day!

Jimmy: But it's the middle of June…

Rosalie: I meant variety day, silly!

Jimmy: Oh…

Rosalie: Anyway, yes. We're having a sale on various thongs, but our Southern Pride Rebel Flag Thongs are now 70 off!

Jimmy: Uh… cool?

Rosalie: Not just cool, its more like "what a bargain!"

Jimmy: That's nice.

Rosalie: So, are you interested in buying some of our Southern Pride…

Jimmy: Rebel Flag thongs? Yeah, uh... I don't know…

Rosalie: They're perfect for special anniversaries. If you're married, you should buy some.

Jimmy: Well, I guess I could…
Rosalie: That's great! What's your address, sir?

Jimmy: 6132 Wichita Lane…

Rosalie: Ooh... that sounds like Wisteria Lane… you know that place from Desperate Housewives?

Jimmy: I know, and it's not.

Rosalie: Okay, it'll be there in 3 days and you just pay $12.97 when the van pulls up.
Jimmy: I pay the FedEx man?

Rosalie: No, you pay the man that delivers it for us. It's not UPS, FedEx or DHL. Its just some random guy we hired to deliver our products.

Jimmy: Oh, that's nice I guess…

Rosalie: I know, isn't it?

Jimmy: Sure, whatever you say…

Rosalie: Anyway, thank you for your business! We appreciate it!

Jimmy: Uh-huh… (Hangs up phone, lights fade on SR)

Rosalie: (smiles) That was easy…

(Lights fade on slowly on SR as Tom enters)

Tom: (sits on bed, next to wife, Annabelle)

Rosalie: (Picks up phone on stage left, dials number.) I hope I can get another redneck to believe me… (Grins)

(Phone rings)

Annabelle: Tom, could you get that for me? My legs hurt.

Tom: Sure, honey. (Picks up the phone) Hello?

Rosalie: Hello, my name is Isabelle Smith, I'm selling Southern Pride Rebel Flag Thongs. We're having a sale on these special lingerie items just in time for our variety day! They're now 70 off, meaning that they're now $7.92!

Tom: And you work for… whom?

Rosalie: Oriental Lingerie Company, Ma'am.

Tom: I'm not a ma'am, Ms. Smith.

Rosalie: Are you totally sure about that?

Tom: Yes, I am. Now why the hell do you want me to buy your products?

Rosalie: Because they're made of high quality materials! Our rebel flag thongs are made of ancient Moose leather, and out new edible thongs are made strictly from KFC Chicken!

Tom: Um, isn't KFC chicken tortured?

Rosalie: (is actually shocked) It's tortured? Nobody told me that!

Tom: (quietly, to himself.) Well now you know…

Annabelle: Tom, who is it?

Tom: Some stupid telemarketer, or maybe a prank caller. I'm not sure.

Rosalie: Okay, sir. I'm totally fine now. We're getting rid of our edible thongs as soon as possible, and making them out of Salt and Vinegar Pringles solution.

Tom: (disgusted) That's… um… very nice.

Rosalie: Yes, it is! So are you going to buy some?

Tom: Maybe later. I have to go. My wife and I need to get ready for church.

Annabelle: (Gets out of bed.) Hurry up, honey.

Tom: I will.

Rosalie: Okay, maybe you could call back and order?

Tom: Sure, I can do that.

Rosalie: Okay, thank you for your time, sir!

Tom: Yeah, whatever. (Hangs up)

Rosalie: (Hangs up) Damnit… it didn't work.

(Lights fade on stage. Rosalie, Tom and Annabelle exit as Jimmy enters SL in office area. He sits at desk and begins to work.)

Mr. Black: (enters, watches Jimmy for a moment, then interrupts him.) Jimmy, I have to talk to you about something.

Jimmy: (Jumps, as he is surprised, then turns chair around.) Yes, Mr. Black?

Mr. Black: My wife and I… we're in the middle of a divorce, and… and things aren't going very well at the house. I think she's getting ready to kick me out and let her new lover move in.

Jimmy: (bites lip) Oh… is that so? Who's her lover?

Mr. Black: I don't know. She won't tell me. Its like she wants to keep it a secret. She told me that if she were to tell me, it would devastate me. You know my wife, Jim. Do you know who it is?

Jimmy: (nervous) Um… no, no I don't know, sir.

Mr. Black: Oh… okay, then. You can go back to work now.

Jimmy: Yes sir…

Mr. Black: (exits SL)

Jimmy: (turns chair around. Alarm goes off, he gets up.) Time to go… finally. (Grabs business case and exits SL)

(Lights fade SL as Rosalie enters, Lights do not go back up on SL until later. Katie enters SR, as lights go up on SR, and sits on bed.)

Katie: I wish Jimmy would come back from work already… (Grabs remote and radio or TV turns on, playing 80's music. This goes on for at least five minutes.)

Jimmy: (Enters SR, puts case on floor.) I'm back, Katie.

Katie: (huge grin) Finally! I was waiting for you! Does John know about us yet? Does he suspect anything?

Jimmy: No, he doesn't know or suspect anything. But he did talk to me about it at work.

Katie: He did? (Pause) What did he say?

Jimmy: He said that…

Mr. Black's disembodied voice: I don't know. She won't tell me. Its like she wants to keep it a secret. She told me that if she were to tell me, it would devastate me.

Katie: Oh. Yeah, I told him that.

(Knocking on door)

Katie: Jimmy, could you go get that?

Jimmy: Sure. (Exits)

(Cheesy 80's music comes back on, different song. This goes on for about 5 minutes or so, you can make it longer. Katie should be looking at random things, maybe picking some pictures up and looking at them, or maybe even opening drawers looking inside of them.)

Jimmy: (Walks back on with package.) It was the delivery guy. I have a package that I expected to be here 2 weeks from now.

Katie: Really? What is it?

Jimmy: Uh, just something I ordered for us.

Katie: Awesome! Let me see!

Jimmy: Uh, okay… (Opens box goes through paper. There is nothing there.) What? I paid $12.97 for a PIECE OF PAPER?

Katie: Maybe it was a scam…

Jimmy: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, maybe.

(Lights fade on SR. Jimmy and Katie exit, and Tom enters on SR, Rosalie enters on SL. Lights fade up on both sides of stage.)

Tom: (Picks up phone and dials number.)

Rosalie: (Her phone rings. She picks it up.) Whore Wong Thong Company, this is Rosalie, how may I help you?

Tom: Uh, yeah. Can I order an um… um… a couple of… edible thongs?

Rosalie: Oh! You're the fellow who I was bugging earlier to buy our thongs!

Tom: Yeah, can I order them please?

Rosalie: Oh, I'm so sorry… We're all out!

Tom: You called me to tell me that?

Rosalie: Well… um… sir, it was actually all just a joke… I'm sorry.

(Lights fade)