THE HAUNTED MANSION

ORIGINALLY PERFORMED BY:

Dan McDougall

Jon Payton

Geoff Payton

Kiel Milligan

Kirby Barber

Tristan Johnson

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

Announcer

George W. Bush

Don Cherry

Ray Romano

Adam Sandler

William Shatner

Patrick Stewart

Mrs. Templeton

Mr. Templeton

Christopher Walken

ACT I

Announcer: Good evening, welcome to Spooky Monster Horror Sci-Fi Chiller Scary Theatre! Tonight’s tale is a story of fear, treachery, and hot chocolate. A story so frightening, so spine-chilling, so bowel-shattering, so face-meltingly, pants-wettingly, groin-grabbingly scary, that on a scale of scariness it ranks at least a 3.5. It is so scary, that at its first dual-showing in Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945, over 100,000 people were killed. So hold on to your monacles, because tonight we are broadcasting…THE HAUNTED MANSION!!!

Scary sound effects

Our story opens in the dead of winter’s night, in the mountains of Romania, where 7 celebrities are taking a weekend camping trip.

Scary SFX, Car sounds, Adam is playing “Chanukah Song” on his guitar

Ray: Shut up back there! You’re giving me a headache. Does anyone have any Tylenol?

Walken: Hey, calm down everybody. We’ll be pulling into the campsite soon.

Stewart: Who would have thought that Adam Sandler, Ray Romano, Christopher Walken, William Shatner, Don Cherry, President Bush, and I, Capt. Patrick Stewart, would get to go on a majestic camping excursion together?

Bush: And who would have thought that my tube-socks would make such great ear-muffs? Very cozy. Oh! Guys, pull over. I…I gotta go…to the bathroom.

Shatner: Bush, we asked you if you had to go before we left, and you said no.

Bush: I didn’t have to go then. I have to go now.

Walken: Forget it. We’re not stopping.

Bush: For the sake of the safety of America, pull over!

Walken: NO WAY.

Bush: If you don’t pull over, I’ll be forced to raise the terrorist alert level. Oh, it’s getting up to orange.

Don: Guys! Look look!

Ray: What now?!

Don: That pine tree right there! That’s the same one we saw 10 minutes ago! We must be going in circles!

Stewart: Are you calling my navigational skills into question, Donald?

Ray: All pine trees look the same Don. We’re in a pine forest!

Don: I still think Frenchy’s leading us astray!

Stewart: Capt. Stewart always stays on course! As you can plainly see, I have logged 25 kilometers on the USS Dodge Caravan.

Shatner: My God! Look! There’s a squirrel on the road!

Stewart: Fire phasers!

Ray: Those are the high-beams!!

Stewart: Phasers ineffective. Taking evasive action!

Tire squeals, screams, crash

Announcer: We now pause our electrifying show. Brace yourselves…for a commercial break!

Stewart: When the future of mankind depends on your survival, you cannot afford to take any chances. That is why I drive the 2006 Dodge Caravan SE. With a 2.4 liter 4-cylinder engine, easy-out roller seats, sleek climate control, powerful dual-sliding doors, an AM/FM stereo with CD player, and room for all of your dear friends, the 2006 Dodge Caravan SE is the perfect vehicle to pull off those evasive maneuvers. Starting at $19, 095. Get one now, because the future depends on it.

Musical transition for new commercial

Narrator: Tom Patriot was just your average everyday ex-Navy SEAL, ex-bodybuilder, New York detective. He lived a quiet life with his family…until Al Queda made his life a living hell.

Terrorist: Give us the plans to the time-machine, Mr. Patriot…that is, if you want to see your family again.

Narrator: Now Tom must race against the clock to prevent the Pope from giving a speech that would ignite World War 1…version 3.0!

Tom: Don’t do it, Your Holiness!

Pope: You’ll never stop me, Patriot! Never!

Narrator: The odds seem stacked against our hero…until he re-unites with an old friend. Richard The Lionheart!

Richard: It’s good to see ya again, you old bastard. Now let’s go kick some Commie ass!

Narrator: With the vampire legions forming an unstoppable alliance with a band of Swedish pirates, all seems doomed for Tom and the world as we know it. Can Tom stop Al Queda, a deranged Pope, vampires, pirates, and cancer before the noose tightens around his wife’s neck? Find out June 10 in Jerry Bruckheimer’s 50 Caliber: The Reckoning of Revenge!

Announcer: And now, back to THE HAUNTED MANSION!

Scary SFX

Walken: Is everybody okay?

Ray: I think so, but Captain Picard here crashed into a tree.

Stewart: No, I did not!

Sandler: It’s right in front of you, moron!

Stewart: It must have had us in a tractor beam.

Shatner: If I were captain, we’d all be on a far-off planet, seducing green women.

Don: That reminds me of this one night, I was out partying with my buddy, Dougie Gilmour. He was a hell of a hockey player, that Dougie. Anyways, we met this broad, and I swear she had green skin! I was all freaked out, but then Dougie realized that it was just the glow off my jacket! Helluva guy, that Dougie! Grapes! I remember this one time…

Walken: Never mind that. Let us go and assess the damage, shall we?

Doors open and close

Stewart: Raymond, George, please exit the vehicle. There is work to be done.

Ray: I don’t want to! The Red Sox game is on!

Bush: Quickly! I don’t wanna miss anything.

Radio tuning

Baseball Announcer: Wow, what a spectacular game, folks! Shilling’s a No-No through eight innings. The score is knotted at zero. We’ll be off to the ninth following these messages.

Message Announcer: Attention all celebrities!

Bush: Hey guys, listen to this!

Message Announcer: The owner of Bloodbath Manor is offering $1000 to any celebrity who will stay the night in her haunted mansion!

Scary SFX

Sandler: $1000? Shaba-dee-doo!

Message Announcer: The only requirements are that you be at least a B-list celebrity, and that you survive until morning! Now back to your regular programming.

Sandler: Nudie magazine day! Nudie magazine day!

Stewart: Put that filth away, Adam. What do you think, gentlemen?

Walken: Survive until morning? I do that every day! We can handle that!

Shatner: And Bloodbath Manor is just half a mile up the road from here. Let’s go!

Ray: Are you guys insane? It’s a haunted mansion!

Scary SFX

Ray: It’s probably filled with ghosts…and werewolves…and allergens! How often do you think a place like that gets dusted?

Don: C’mon, fraidy-cat, you’re worse then Frenchy here!

Stewart: Do you address Captain Stewart?

Don: C’mon, Frenchy. If you wanna make it to the playoffs, you gotta be brave. You gotta be strong. Just like Dougie Gilmour. Let me tell ya somethin’…

Ray: Shut up! We won’t be able to get there anyway…because the car…is still BROKEN!

Don: Are you kiddin’? I can pull this baby with my teeth! Back when Dougie was training for the playoffs, ’92-’93 season, he would pull my car with his teeth all the time. He was draggin’ cars left, right and center. This one time I was on the highway and I got a flat tire. You know who shows up? Dougie! He towed me all the way home with his teeth! He even left me a pine-scented air freshener. Let me tell ya, it was a beauty!

Ray: Just shut up and do it!

Car doors open and close, Don continues ranting but it becomes muffled

Sandler: Oh my God, he’s actually doing it!

Walken: I’m so tired, I feel like I’m 93 years old.

Don: 93? That was Dougie Gilmour’s…

All: DON’T LET GO OF THE CAR!!!

Car sliding down hill

Don: Hey, you guys are getting smaller! I think something’s pulling me up the mountain! It might be one of those traction beams Frenchy was talking about!

Ray: You let go of the car, you idiot!

Don: Oh…Well, anyways…(voice gets quieter)

Ray: Tuck and roll!

Doors open, all but Bush jump out

Shatner: Is everybody okay?

Walken: If I do recall correctly, the President is still in the car.

Bush: Hey fellas, this ride’s getting kinda bumpy. I don’t like it.

Ray: George, bail out!

Bush: Never! We Americans never pull out. That’s why there’s so many of us, heh-heh…

Ray: No one’s driving the car!

Shatner: He’s headed right for the cliff!

Car crashes into the lake

Ray: No! My golf clubs were in there! Oh…

Walken: George! George!

Announcer: Even after his friends spent twenty minutes yelling at the lake, George still did not surface. After an additional ten minutes of discussion, they decided he must need help. They headed up the road, where they met their friend, Don.

Don: Where the hell were you guys? I was caught in that traction beam for, like, five minutes! Luckily, I was able to hatch a brilliant escape plan…

Ray: No one cares!

Stewart: I told you there was a tractor beam.

Announcer: Now that the group was reunited, with the exception of Mr. Bush, they continued up the mountain. After a half-hour, they came across a large, scary-looking mansion.

Ray: Guys, I don’t like the look of this place.

Walken: You’re just being paranoid.

Ray: Hey, what does that sign say? “Welcome to Bloodbath Man-oohhh!!!!”

Shatner: Let’s ask if we can use their phone.

Ray: Are you crazy?! This is the haunted mansion!

Scary SFX

Ray: Who keeps doing that? Look, let’s just go to the next house…

Loud knocking

Don: Hey! Open up!

Announcer: Once Don’s knocking ceased, they heard the sound of large bolts being slid back as the door was unlocked. The door swung slowly open, as rusty hinges screamed in agony. The group wanted to run, but all were frozen in fear of the shambling form coming out of the shadows. The thing that was coming for them stopped in the doorway before it could be illuminated by the light of the full moon. Slowly, it opened it’s mouth to speak…

Mrs. T: Well, don’t just stand outside, you’ll catch a cold! Come in, come in!

Don: It’s about time you let us in! It’s freezing out here! You think this jacket is warm? No! It’s just for style, and…good God! Check out this broad! She must be two-hundred years old!

Door closes

Walken: Calm down, Don. Where are your manners? Hello, my name is Christopher Walken. You have probably heard of me, or seen one of my many, outstanding film appearances. And these are my associates: Adam, Ray, Don, Patrick--

Stewart: Captain Stewart!

Walken:…and William.

Mrs. T: Well, it’s very nice to meet you all. My name is Mrs. Templeton, but you can call me Gertrude. Mordichai! Come downstairs, sweety, we have guests! Morty? Oh, he must be busy dismembering the b-…I mean, the roast. Anyway, are you nice boys here to spend the night for the reward money?

Don: You got that right, Gerts!

Stewart: Well actually, we come with grave news. Young Edson Bush was aboard the USS Dodge Caravan when it was caught in the deadly grip of a vicious tractor beam.

Mrs. T: Oh, that’s awful!

Walken: Well, to be perfectly honest, we accidentally dropped the President into the lake. We are not sure if he survived. Bass rant

Shatner: Mrs. Templeton, it is of the utmost importance that you let us use your telephone!

Sandler sings telephone song

Mrs. T: Oh, he’s such a nice boy, but I’m afraid we don’t have a phone.

Stewart: Curses! We are utterly and completely cut off from Starfleet Command.

Mrs. T: I would take you to the police station, but the roads are frozen over. It’s too dangerous. But come inside and I’ll make you some cocoa.

Ray: Uh, guys? Bush is trapped under water! He might die if we leave him out there!

Don: Who cares? She said she has cocoa!

Walken and Mrs. T come-ons, Gertrude, may I call you Gert?

Announcer: Our heroes retired to the living room, where they relaxed and waited patiently for their cocoa, with which Mrs. Templeton returned a few minutes later.

Mrs. T: Here you go, boys, this’ll warm your stomachs.

Ray: Thank you, Mrs. Templeton.

Mrs. T: Oh, Adam, you have marshmallows in your nose!

Sandler: Ooohh, look at me! I’m Crazy-Marshmallow-Face!

Don: Dougie/Cocoa rant

Walken: Okay, we get it, Don. Gert…may I call you Gerty? Gerty, the radio advertisement said this was a haunted mansion…

Scary SFX

Ray: There it is again!

Walken: …But it doesn’t look very scary to me.

Mrs. T: Well, it looks like any other mansion, but it has a very gruesome history…

Announcer: Ooohh! This all set up for a really spooky back-story! I mean, you just know something scary’s coming up! With a set-up like that, it must be really scary! It’s just the perfect introduction for an all-out spine-tingler! I’m afraid to even keep listening, because it might be that scary! Nonetheless, we now return to The Haunted Mansion!

Scary SFX

Ray: Naahh!!

Mrs. T: As I say, it has a very gruesome history. The house was built in the 1800’s by a Romanian Countess. She was an evil woman, who was exiled to the mountains after she stole all the livestock in the countryside and sacrificed them in a strange pagan ritual. She came to the top of this mountain to build her home. Of course, the lot was an Indian burial ground at the time, and in order to make room for the basement, she had to dig up the bodies and dump them in the lake, which ran red for years and only spawned evil, man-eating fish.

Ray: Oh my God, George!

Mrs. T: The Countess had many suitors, and eventually she was married to a local actor. Things would have been fine, if only she hadn’t built her mansion so close to Werewolf Cave. You see, she was bitten by a werewolf, and on the next full moon, she transformed and tore her husband to pieces while he slept. Of course, she didn’t remember doing it. She re-married several times, to a circus performer, a wealthy business man, an opera singer, the mayor of the town…and she killed each and every one of them. They’re all buried in the graveyard out back. She eventually died here, old and alone. Legend has it that her ghost haunts the mansion to this day…

Announcer: Woah!!! Let’s all take a breather, kids! I mean, you knew it was gonna be scary, but WOW! Imagine, man-eating fish! Werewolves! Ghost haunting the mansion! I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it! I don’t know how our heroes are going to get to sleep now!

Don: Man, I’m beat!

Walken: We should all hit the hay.

Mrs. T: I’m afraid we don’t have any extra beds.

Shatner: This mansion is gigantic. How can you not have any extra beds?

Mrs. T: We used to have a spare room, but Morty needed it for his…work. But I brought up some sleeping bags, so you can have a slumber party in the living room. It should be comfortable enough.

Sandler: Slumber party? Shibbity-doo!

Mrs. T: Well, good-night boys.

Walken: Gerty? May I call you Tracy? Tracy, could you tuck me in?

Mrs. T: Oh, of course, you cute little thing.

Walken: rant describing Mrs. T

Mrs. T: What was that, Christopher? I couldn’t hear you, the batteries in my hearing-aid are wearing down.

Walken: Oh nothing, I was just reminiscing. Good-night, Tracy.

Mrs. T: Good-night, darlings.

All: Good-night!

Don: Hey, guys! When Stewart falls asleep, let’s put his hand in some warm water. Make him wet his sleeping bag. It’ll be hilarious!

Sandler: That’ll be awesome! Shabbity-doo!

Stewart: I’m still awake. I can hear you.

Don: Don’t worry guys. He can’t stay awake forever.

Stewart: We’ll see about that. Once when I was filming Star Trek: The Next Generation, I had to stay awake for 36 hours! Begins rambling, falls asleep, snoring.

Announcer: We will return to our program after these spooky messages!

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