ACT III:

Announcer: And now, back to THE HAUNTED MANSION! Scary SFX We join Christopher as he attempts to get more familiar with Mrs. Templeton.

Walken: Yes……yes……uh……

Mrs. T: Wow…wasn’t that incredible?

Walken: To be perfectly honest, I’m a little disappointed. I think it’s best if I leave. I’ll call you sometime. You’re a super girl. Wait, do you hear footsteps?

Mrs. T: Oh, that’s just Morty.

Walken: …Morty? I gotta hide!

Mrs. T: Quick, the closet!

Running noises, door slides closed

Bedroom door slams open

Morty: What the hell is going on in here?!

Mrs. T: Nothing, honey. I was just going to sleep.

Morty: Did you have one of those damn celebrities in here?!

Mrs. T: No, of course not. They’re all downstairs, fast asleep, just waiting for you.

Walken: Waiting for him?

Morty: What was that?

Walken: Damn.

Mrs. T: That was nothing, Morty. Don’t you worry, you’re always worrying. You just go get your knives and axes ready.

Walken: Axes?!

Morty: That time I definitely heard something!

Walken: Damn!

Mrs. T: Just go! Go on.

Morty: Ok, I’m going to go get my things ready.

Walks out, door closes.

Mrs. T: Are you alright in there?

Walken: Alright, lady. I don’t know what you’re planning, but you’re not going to get away with it. I’m getting the guys, and we’re leaving right now.

Door opens, he runs out

Walken: Adam! Adam! Hey, why is the back door open? Oh no. Adam, this is no time to be playing around!

Walks outside

Announcer: Meanwhile, back in the basement…

Stewart: I was clearly the superior officer. Stand down, or be destroyed.

Shatner: Wait a minute, I thought I heard a voice. Listen.

Stewart: Someone’s coming! Hide behind the boxes!

Box noises

Morty: Hmm, do I want to go with knives or swords this time? Swords have the advantage of longer range, but the knife is not without its own charms. It’s a good thing I’m alone down here, and free to express my secret thoughts in monologue. I almost wish one or two of them were down here, for practice.

Stewart: Oh no. Marshmallows….mixing with hot chocolate…not sitting well…the pressure is rising…

Shatner: For the love of God, man! Hold it in!

Stewart: No! Fight it, Capt. Stewart! Must…save…friends….

Shatner: Fight it, man! Fight it!

Stewart: Fighting….losing….

Farting noise, loud and wet

Morty: Okay, that time I DEFINITELY heard something!

Both: Damn!

Announcer: We rejoin Don as he waits at the bottom of the pit.

Don: Dear Diary, I have spent at least five minutes in the pit. Food is low, as is morale. I have been abandoned by my friend, George Lopez, and have resorted to eating my jacket for sustenance. I came across a small pebble, which I have named Dougie. He’s a good kid, and he’s kept me company through the rough times, even when we had to fight off the indigenous spiders that attempted to raid our base camp.

Ray: Don! I’m back!

Don: In minute seven, I began hearing voices. The pressure of my situation was finally getting to me. My mind was beginning to snap.

Ray: What are you talking about?

Don: I finally realized where I knew the voice from. It was my old friend, John Leguizamo!

Ray: No, it’s me, Raymond!

Don: Don’t come any closer, or I’ll throw Dougie at you!

Ray: Just give me your hand. If you stretch, you might be able to reach…

Hitting noise

Ray: Ow!

Don: I told you not to come any closer!

Ray: Look, I’m throwing down a rope. Here it comes!

Don: Ah!! A snake!!

Ray: Calm down. Just pull on it, would ya?

Don: Like this?

Ray: Not so hard!!!

Falling noise

Ray: Ow!

Don: Am I out?

Ray: No! You pulled me in here with you! This is great, we’re both stuck in a pit.

Don: Well, we could try this door. I saw it earlier, but thought nothing of it.

Ray: I hate you.

Door open, close

Announcer: Meanwhile, Christopher searches the graveyard for his friend, Adam.

Walken: Adam! I think something very, very not good is going on. Wow, this is a big graveyard. Look at all the tombstones….(reading) Montgomery Smith, Abraham Appleseed, Huxtable Trottingham, John Lennon…what the? Gregory Peck? JFK? Jimi Hendrix? Kurt Cobain? Pope Jean Paul?! My God…they’re all celebrities. She only married celebrities. What an amazing coincidence that six celebrities would come to a house where many, many, many, many dead celebrities are buried.

Announcer: Suddenly, Adam jumped out from behind the bushes. Now completely transformed, he let out his ferocious howl.

Pathetic howl

Walken: Adam? Is that you?

Pathetic roar

Walken: AAAAA!!!

Announcer: The beast pounced, and Christopher ran as fast as he could. As quick as Adam was on four legs, Christopher ran two years of track and field in high school, and was in top condition. He ran and ran until he was breathing in fire and his heart pumped hot gravy. He would have kept on running, but he tripped and fell into an open grave.

Walken: Ow.

Announcer: Christopher felt around in the dark, and his hand brushed what felt like a doorknob. He turned it, and found that the bottom of the grave opened to a secret passageway.

Walken: Wow. A secret passage. What luck.

Announcer: Meanwhile back in the basement…

Mr. T: I’m gonna find you, and when I do…you’re dead!

Shatner: My God! There must be some way of stopping this madman!

Stewart: Look at that wiring overhead, Admiral. If we reverse the polarity and channel it into the electric chip matrix of the sound-activated Chekov action figure, we will cause a neutrino field powerful enough to capture this crazed man in a primitive tractor beam.

Shatner: It’s so simple…yet so genius!

Stewart: Here it goes.

Weird electric sounds, Mr. T struggling in vain

Shatner: It’s working!

Stewart: Yes, the beauty of this synergy of science and gratuitous violence is nearly impossible to comprehend.

Mr. T begins to scream

Shatner: Turn it off, man! You’re killing him!

Stewart: Very well, I shall…

Gooey explosion

Stewart: …Ooops.

Shatner: Let’s get out of here!

Stewart: Is that the same door we came in?

Shatner: Who cares, it…My God! It’s some kind of secret passage…

Announcer: Meanwhile, Ray and Don were stumbling to find a way through their own secret passage.

Footsteps

Don: This corridor is dark and spooky!

Ray: Don’t worry. We just gotta keep going until we find a way out.

Don: Hey! Where were you when I was stuck in the pit?

Ray: Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but…I was talking to George.

Don: Did he bring your clubs?

Ray: No…But he told me some very interesting things about Mrs. Templeton.

Don: She isn’t French is she? I thought she looked like a turtler! Let me tell ya, you never want to turtle. You’ll just get hurt worse.

Ray: Would you shut up?! What I’m trying to tell you is that there’s no reward money!

Don: But I need that money! I spent a fortune on that great jacket…which I had to eat to survive.

Ray: I’m trying to tell a story here! Don’t you get it? Mrs. Templeton is the Romanian Countess!

Don: AAAHH!!!

Ray: George told me. She lures celebrities to her mansion and uses her souls to stay alive forever. She gets the souls, her husband gets the bodies. If we don’t find a way out soon, we’re not going to survive until morning.

Don: But if we don’t survive until morning, we don’t get the thousand dollars!

Ray: Would you shut up?! I think I found another door.

Door opens, closes

Don: It’s even darker in here!

Shatner: What was that?

Stewart: Is that you, Don?

Ray: Patrick! William! What are you guys doing here?

Stewart: We were recovering from a heated battle with Mr. Templeton.

Ray: I told you…She gets the souls…He gets the bodies.

Walken: Hey, guys, is that you?

Ray: Christopher! What happened to you?

Walken: Never mind. We’re getting out of here. Right now.

Don: But we have to stay till morning or we don’t get the money!

Ray: There is no money you idiot! Though you could really use some to buy yourself a new jacket.

Don: Oh, very funny. What are you, some kind of comedian?

Ray: Yeah! Yeah, I am a comedian!

Walken: Guys, I think we’d better get out of here before Morty chops us into pieces.

Shatner: No need to worry. It’s all been taken care of.

Walken: How?

Stewart: (explains the killing)

Walken: Wow. That’s surprisingly clever. Now let’s go. If we hurry we can still save George.

Ray: Nah, don’t bother. He’s dead.

Walken: How do you know?

Ray: He came back from the grave to tell me that Mrs. Templeton is the Romanian Countess, and that she uses the souls of celebrities to stay young.

Walken: Oh. I feel so used.

Don: Well, grapes! What are we waiting for?! Let’s get the hell outta here!

Mrs. T: Not so fast! Very clever of you to find my dungeon, but I’m afraid cleverness won’t get you out of here alive!

Walken: Tracy…why? Why the souls of celebrities?

Mrs. T: Because I am an evil countess, you idiot! My black heart can only be kept beating by souls as cold, shallow, and empty as yours!

Walken: Umm…hey.

Ray: Ouch!

Mrs. T: And now, I’m going to kill you all!

Hitting noise

Mrs T: Ow!

Shatner: What was that?

Ray: It was a hockey puck!

Hitting noise

Mrs. T: Argh!

Walken: There’s another one!

Mrs. T: (dying) Christopher! Help me….help your little Tracy!

Walken: Sorry…no can do…Mrs. Templeton.

Mrs. T: Bleeaugh….

Shatner: My God! What’s happening to her body?!

Stewart: It’s disintegrating.

Don: Does this mean we don’t get the money?

Ray: Don’t worry Don. I saw some nice silverware upstairs, and some jewels with our names all over them.

Shatner: But wait…who was hitting those hockey pucks?

Doug: Sorry to crash the party, guys.

Ray: Who are you?

Doug: The name is Doug. Doug Gilmore.

Don: DOUGIE!!!

Doug: Oh no, not you again.

Don: Wow Dougie, let me tell ya, that last slapshot to the face, it was a beauty!

Doug: Would you shut up?! God, you give me a headache! Does anyone have any Tylenol?

Ray: Hey, I had to spent two hours with that guy in a dark spooky corridor. How do you think I feel?

Walken: But Doug, what are you doing here?

Doug: I came to spend last night here so I could get that $1000, and while I was sleeping I was brought down and chained up in this dungeon. Luckily, the Templetons were so busy with you that I was able to escape.

Ray: Well, we’re going to head back into town. Why don’t you come with us?

Don: Yeah! Yeah! Dougie!

Doug: Uh, no thanks. I think I’d rather stay in this mansion.

Don: You mean the haunted mansion?

Scary SFX

Ray: Dammit!

Announcer: And so our heroes left Doug Gilmore in the dungeon. When they found their way back to the ground floor of the house, they found it to be morning.

Stewart: Come, friends. Let us leave this terrible place at once.

Announcer: Just then, Adam, who was still in werewolf form, leapt from the bushes.

Pathetic howl

Ray: Aah! A werewolf!

Walken: No, it’s Adam. He must be permanently transformed!

Stewart: Curses! If only we had a tractor beam!

Announcer: Adam was about to pounce, when another creature burst forth from the woods and let loose a ferocious howl.

Irritating howl

Announcer: It was a female werewolf, drawn to Adam by the sensual sound of his howl.

Don: That thing kinda looks like…Roseanne!

Ray: It kinda sounds like her too.

Shatner: Of course! She must have been lured up here for the thousand dollars, and been bitten by a werewolf!

Stewart: Sweet irony, thy treachery knows no bounds!

Walken: Well, this is it. It has been a pleasure knowing all of you.

Ray: Except for Don.

Shatner: Wait! What are they doing?

Mating ritual noises

Don: Look! They’re fighting each other now!

Ray: I don’t think they’re fighting, Don.

Stewart: I think it would be best if we leave…right now.

Announcer: And so our heroes left the lovestruck wolves, never to return to…Scary SFX…THE HAUNTED MANSION!

Don sings Hockey Night in Canada

Ray: You ruined the ending! Nyah!

Announcer: Now, stay tuned for Manchester United Forum!