Getting to Know You

The freezing cold bit at Rachael even through the thick jacket, gloves and hat she’d put on before she stepped out of the escape pod. Around her dozens of men in complete sets of white armor stared at her, though she couldn’t see their facial expressions through the darkened visors of their helmets. She supposed the armor must be well heated for them to look this much more comfortable in the cold than she felt.

The two who had talked to her were the ones leading her, though whatever they were talking about now was lost to her in the heavy winds. A large metal door slid aside when they reached the base, allowing them entrance. When it closed she sighed with relief, the cold ebbing away for something closer to comfortable.

The two soldiers stopped and took off their helmets. The polite one was balding with brown hair and a wide smile on his lips which his blue eyes did not share. The other was darker skinned and thinner and though the smile he had was smaller his face shared it.

“We’ll be taking you to a more secure room until we figure out what’s going on. The Captain will want to see you and question you then,” the darker one said.

“Come along. Wouldn’t want to keep anyone waiting,” the polite one added. He turned around and started walking down the poorly lit corridors and Rachael noticed a look of unease on the other’s face.

“I’ll...just go get the Captain. You follow him.” Rachael nodded and then he was off too.

‘Creepy place,’ she thought to herself. ‘Oh well.’ She followed the polite one’s slow pace through the halls. Most of the area was empty of people, though she found the occasional soldier in complete white armor walking along or doing whatever in the meantime. Finally they stopped in front of a room complete with a thick window and door and only a table and two chairs to furnish it.

“Here you are. I hope you don’t mind the accommodations, but you never can be too careful with a war going about,” he said, waving an arm toward the room.

“It’s fine.” She entered and took in her surroundings.

“Indeed. Comfortable enough for your tastes?” She gave the man a sideways look.

“Yes, it’s fine.”

“Sure it is. Such fine tastes you must have to be comfortable in a place such as this.”

‘This guy is more creepy than Charles,’ she thought to herself. ‘The most idiotic soldier shoots my ship down and the creepiest rescues me. And judging by where I’m going to kick him if he steps anywhere near me this guy isn’t too bright either.’ To him, however, she said nothing.

“Very quiet girl, are we? Yes, I can see that. I have a talent in reading people, you know. I can read you like you were a book. Quite easy, yes.” His smile grew, but he stayed away.

“...ok?” She looked away from the man to get a better look at her surroundings. She felt on edge, however. What the hell was this guy? Thankfully he had nothing more to say and in a few minutes the dark-skinned man arrived with what she presumed was the Captain - a man in his forties with the face of a bulldog - in tow.

“Here we are, sir,” the darker man said. “She was in what looked like an escape pod from the ship that went down earlier.”

“An escape pod, eh?” the Captain said, his voice deep and gruff. “Dammit, Feldings, why’d you bring ‘er in the interrogation room? You shoulda taken her directly to my quarters.”

“Sir we aren’t sure if she’s with the enemy or if it’s a trap...”

“Feldings, why in the hell would the enemy escape to our base? Do you have any idea how stupid that would be?” The darker man sighed.

“Yes sir, I have a pretty good idea. I’ll remember for future reference.”

“Good!” The Captain turned toward her. “Now, I assume you’re reinforcements. Don’t look like much to me. I mean, why would they send a woman? War’s a man’s job. Unless...” He narrowed his eyes. “You’re not one o’ them transylvanians, are you?”

“I believe you mean transvestite,” the creepy one said with a huge smile. The dark one - Feldings - rolled his eyes.

“You heard me. I won’t be having none of that on my base, woman...man...thing. Your disease will not spread!”

“Captain...” Feldings started, but Rachael decided it was time to speak before one of these loons decided to shoot her. Again.

“I’m a war observer. Me and my coworker had just arrived when two members of the 1s shot us down by mistake. We both escaped our ship, but I don’t know where he landed.”

“War observer?” the Captain asked.

“Yes. We observe wars. Collect information to put in the books for future reference so that commanders can learn from past mistakes and maybe even avoid war altogether.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Rachael could only stare at the Captain wide-eyed. This had to be a nightmare. No way someone like this could lead men in battle, much less the type of men she’d seen so far.

“Perhaps she is lying,” the creepy one stated. “I could...interrogate her.” He gave a low chuckle and momentarily she panicked. This idiot of a leader might be stupid enough to listen...

“Sir, if she’s telling the truth command will be upset if you harm her. Remember, you still haven’t gotten that tank yet...” Feldings put in quickly. The Captain grunted.

“Dammit. The choices I have to make as a leader... Feldings, give her a room somewhere. Levorn, find me that other “war observer”. Command will be sure to send me that tank once I’ve rescued both of their precious little toys.”

“Yes sir,” both men replied and the Captain and Levorn walked out.

As soon as she was sure she was alone with Feldings Rachael turned to him and said, “Thanks for that.” He smiled and she couldn’t help but smile back.

“It’s not a problem, really. You get used to knowing how to get things done around here after awhile.”

“What is with this place? I mean, that Levorn guy...and your Captain...”

“I know. I’ll explain it to you on our way.” He motioned for her to follow him and she did. “What’s your name, by the way?”

“Rachael Schuden. And you’re Feldings.”

“Cpl. Rick Feldings. Captain Meric is in charge though I tend to do most of the dirty work around here.”

“Thank God for that,” she muttered. Feldings paused and took a moment to stare at her.

“They didn’t tell you anything about this place when they sent you here, did they.”

“We had planetary info and base statistics including lists of soldiers, though we didn’t study them much.”

“No, I mean they didn’t tell you what Outpost 441 is.” She looked at Feldings curiously.

“What is it?”

“It was originally a scout outpost way back, but the 2 army soon saw it as an opportunity to send it’s unwanteds here. The 1s liked the idea as well so they also built a base with the same purpose.”

“What do you mean?”

“Take Levorn. He’s a complete psychopath with multiple personalities or...something, but he’s smart enough not to get institutionalized. So command sent him here for as long as he serves in the military.”

“So everyone here’s crazy?” Feldings laughed.

“No, but many are close to it. Take this guy.” He stopped next to a soldier in full armor. “Soldier, state your name and rank!”

“Unit 440678253, Private!” the man said, standing rigid with a firm salute.

“What is your name?”

“Unit 440678253!”

“Your name?”

“Unit 440678253!”

“That is all.” The soldier relaxed himself and walked the other direction...straight into a wall.

“What was that?” Rachael asked, wide-eyed.

“That is the average member of this base. So incredibly stupid that basic training made them forget their own name. Usually nobody would care how stupid they were as long as they got the job done, but these are the sorts of guys who would throw the pin instead of the grenade.”

“Wow.”

“You’re saying it lightly. They make up the entirety of our population aside from a handful of us.”

“What about Meric? How’d he end up here?”

“The Captain? I don’t know how he got to his current rank, but he got here after an assault in a forest on Dunderg II went bad.”

“Must’ve been pretty terrible to end up here. Though from what I’ve seen he’s not capable of much...”

“The Captain was in charge of 500 men and ordered to take some minor 1 camp which had already been near destroyed and was cut off from the rest of their troops. 499 died.”

“Must’ve been some enemy commander.”

“What commander? There was one guy with a machine gun and four incapacitated soldiers. The Captain ordered them straight into the line of fire during broad daylight, up a hill after it had rained for three days straight making the ground muddy.”

“Kinda like Agincourt.”

“Aginwho?” The pair turned to see a new face walk out of a nearby room with a donut in hand. He was a gaunt man with a flat nose and bright red hair. The sort of guy who could give Charles a run for his money.

“This would be Keller.”

“Hey Feldings why didn’t you tell me we had a woman on base? You’re not going out with her, right?” Feldings sighed.

“No Keller...”

“Great! Hey baby you wanna go out with me?”

“Keller...” Feldings started.

“Man, until you’re going out with her all’s fair in love and food. In fact, even when you’re going out with her all’s fair in love and...”

“War,” Feldings said.

“What?”

“All’s fair in love and war. Not food.”

“Who here gives a shit about war? Only good thing here is the donuts and now we have women too! Friggin’ sweet.” Keller moved to wrap an arm around Rachael, but she spoke before he could get near enough.

“Touch me and die.” Keller got a strange look on his face and backed away.

“Fine, whatever. Lesbian.”

“Keller, shut the hell up. The Captain thinks she’s the key to getting that tank finally. You really want to mess with his plans? Again?”

“Well...”

“Forget it. Rachael, if you’ll follow me.” Feldings continued onward and Rachael was quick to follow. She heard Keller continue with them and cursed her luck.

“Keller, on the other hand, made the mistake of being sarcastic with a female General,” Feldings said, as if he wasn’t following. Rachael turned to raise an eyebrow at Keller.

“She was being bitchy about some point she was trying to make. ‘Not only did you steal all the donuts in the officer’s lounge, you started it on fire with your cigarettes as well. One more dumbass mistake from you and you’ll be pulling horse shit outta France for the rest of your miserable fucking days. Period.’” He snickered. “Yeah, she had a period all right. Told her as much. That was soooooo worth it. Besides, how was I supposed to know ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammable’ were the same? What kind of jackass made up those words?”

Rachael and Feldings both turned to give Keller a strange look.

“What?” They shook their heads and moved on.

“Then there’s Rickard. He’s the base medic...kinda. A politician’s son got shot on the butt and Rickard mistook which was the bullet hole and which was...um...anyway, he still claims the guy had dysentery before the operation. I guess this would also be a good time to tell you not to get injured during your stay.”

“Yeah. Though he wouldn’t have much interest digging into her holes, I’d say,” Keller put in.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Feldings asked.

“You know... He’s kinda...girly.”

“He’s paranoid.”

“Well I guess you’d know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Keller shrugged. “Look, I know things get lonely around here, but you really should lock doors when doing that stuff.”

“I explained this to you before. It was a regular checkup. He’s the closest thing we have to a doctor,” Feldings explained, irritation creeping it’s way into his voice.

“Weren’t you just trying to explain why not use him as such?”

“I haven’t had a checkup since, have I?”

“I guess you’d know.”

Feldings growled but otherwise remained silent. A couple seconds later he stopped at a door and opened it. Inside was a simple bedroom with bed, light and nightstand.

“This will be your room for your time here. I’ll try to keep the others off your back until we can get someone down to rescue you, alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Rescue? Oh yeah, I’ll help keep the others off your back too,” Keller said.

“By the way, why are you here?” Rachael asked Feldings.

“Me? Oh I...”

“Feldings was the only one who survived the Captain’s stupid ass attack,” Keller interrupted. “Mostly because after the first guy went down he hid under a log. When the Captain was transferred he requested Feldings go with him. To get it over with faster they accepted and sent them both here. Bet now he wishes he wasn’t such a coward.”

“Oh,” was all Rachael said. Felding’s face grew red as he glared holes into Keller.

“Let’s just leave her alone to get settled.”

“Fine. Ass.” Keller looked at Rachael. “Just so you know, if you need anybody to lean on after...well, whatever the hell happened to you, then don’t be afraid to find me. I’m told I’m very cuddly.” Feldings grabbed Keller by the arm and started dragging him out. “Well I’ll see you around, baby.” The door closed and Rachael heard Keller say, “Man, stop trying to cockblock me.”

“I’ve arrived at a nuthouse,” Rachael muttered as she laid down on her new bed.

--

Pain. That’s most of what Charles knew when he woke up. That and the gnarled face of some middle-aged man in a black uniform.

“‘bout damn time you woke up. Never seen somebody sleep for so long after a bump to the head. Pussy.”

“Wh...who...” Charles tried to get out.

“Lt. Bracken, boy. Medic for the 1s in this fucking wasteland we call home. Who’re you?”

“Charles... Charles...Harlaw.”

“Harlaw, eh? Dumbass name for a dumbass boy. What’re doing outside on Outpost 441 without any warm clothing? Not that those two morons helped any. Carried you right on through the -50 degree winds in what might as well have been your God damn birthday suit. You’re lucky you’re not dead, boy. Even luckier all your pieces managed to be saved, though you going dickless for the rest of your life would be proper punishment for being such a dumb shit in the first place.”

“That’s enough, doctor,” a new voice said and Charles saw another man in a black uniform enter, this one handsome and younger, probably in his mid 30's, with well-trimmed brown hair and a comforting smile. “We wouldn’t want our guest to feel unwelcome.” Bracken backed off and the new entry walked up to Charles. “My name is Jim Weaver. I’m the Captain of the 1s here on Outpost 441. Who might you be?”

“Charles Harlaw,” he managed. What kind of place was this?

“Charles? Such a good name. You’re a very lucky man to have such a good name. And to have survived such a harrowing experience.” He turned to look at Bracken. “What’s wrong with him, doctor?”

“Bah. Minor concussion, sprained ankle and enough frostbite to allow me to call him a fucking dumbass.”

“I see. Any permanent damage?”

“Of course. Scars here, scars there. Surprised he didn’t have to lose the ears. Managed to save those.” Weaver looked strangely sad at that.

“Scars? Isn’t there anything you can do about them?”

“Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a plastic surgeon.”

“I see... Is it safe for him to have his own quarters yet?”

“Take him wherever you want. Fuck if I care.” The doctor took a flask out of his shirt and had a swig.

“Excellent.” Weaver walked away and came back with a wheelchair. “I had this made when you arrived. I hope it fits your needs. I would hate for you to be in any lasting discomfort.”

Charles, with the help of the two other men in the room, managed to roll his way into the chair. Then, with a quick, “thanks,” he was off, Weaver pushing him out of the brightly lit medical station and into the just as brightly lit hallways.

“When Celcy first came and told me of you it was such a frightening experience. To think that the 2s would shoot you down and injure you so badly. And your injuries! What a scare. Are you in any pain still?”

“Yeah...weak...sore...”

“I’m so sorry. I will have you settled into your own room soon enough so you might relax and recover.”

“Captain Weaver! Captain Weaver!” A man in black armor minus his helmet came running up. He was a tall pale man with a shaggy mane of blonde hair covering much of his face, though he had no beard.

“Celcy, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“Captain, one of the guys got his head stuck in the washing machine again!”

“Did you try using the fork?”

“Yeah. It wouldn’t work. I just can’t do it, Captain! I can’t get his nose unhooked!”

“Ok, I’ll take care of it. In the meantime why don’t you show our guest Charles around. Charles, this is Celcy. He was the one who brought you in. Celcy, this is Charles.”

“Hey dude,” Celcy nodded in greeting.

“I’ll be right back,” Weaver said before taking off down the hallway.

“Soooo...you were pretty messed up when you came here.” Charles looked at Celcy and glared as the other man fidgeted nervously. “Yeah, those 2 guys...real assholes, ya know?” Charles continued glaring. “What’re you doing here anyway? It’s not like many people come around this rock.”

“I’m a...war observer,” Charles said. He still felt short of breath for some reason.

“Oh. That’s cool. Ever been around these parts?” Charles shook his head. “Yeah, can’t imagine you would. This place sucks. Nothing ever happens. Sometimes the enemy tries to attack, but their commander kinda sucks at it and ours...well, you met him.”

“What’s...with this...place?”

“Oh so you noticed already. Yeah, that’s not so surprising. This is the place soldiers go when they fuck up royally. Like me. I slept with a General’s daughter.”

“No you didn’t,” a female voice called out. “You only said you did which pissed off the General.” The woman walked in front of the pair, a girl even more pale than Celcy with blonde hair going down to the middle of her back. Not the eyesore he’d expect out of a girl in the army, though not Rachael either.

“How the hell would you know?” Celcy asked.

“Because I doubt you could ever get laid.”

“Just because you don’t like riding the Celcy machine doesn’t mean others don’t either.” The woman looked at Charles.

“See what I mean?” He didn’t, really. He was trying to figure out why they made armor with breasts on them for women. He never knew the military would suit his style so well. “Nevermind,” she said with a scowl.

“Don’t think about it dude,” Celcy said, patting him on the shoulder. “Smith here’ll break your balls before squeezing them.” Both Smith and Charles cringed away from him. “What?”

“Too much info, Celcy,” she said. Celcy shrugged.

“Whatever.” He started pushing the wheelchair. “I’m supposed to take him on a tour. Why don’t you go hit on Rikker or something.”

“Say it again, Celcy, and I will squeeze your balls.”

“Why don’t you go...” She unholstered a pistol and cocked it. “Moving on...” Celcy continued pushing the wheelchair.

“What’s...with her?” Charles asked.

“She doesn’t much appreciate the male/female flirt games, if you catch my drift.” He gave Celcy a blank look. “Alright, you know the ‘don’t ask don’t tell rule’?”

“Don’t they...usually...just...kick you out?

“Yeah, well, usually you don’t tas a General in the nuts just before you tell.”

‘Jesus Christ.’

“Yeah, we got all sorts of fun people like that around here. Most of the guys are so stupid they don’t even know their own name, literally. Like the dude who helped me bring you in. He could be the dumbest one yet, though it’s a close race. And you’ve met Bracken, right?” Charles nodded. “Talk about drunk doctors. He got into a bar fight and lit the place on fire which spread to an entire base. He nursed everyone back to health, sure, but the damage was in the hundred millions. And Rikker...dude, if you thought Bracken or Smith were bad wait’ll you meet him. He is pissed at being here.

“And...Weaver?” Celcy laughed.

“Dude, do you even need to ask? He had 500 guys and the opportunity to capture a bunch of 2 leaders sitting near defenseless after some air strike. Instead he and his 500 waited for a week until the 2 army came with a transport and picked the leaders up. Weaver’s excuse was that there was too large a chance for one or two of his men to get injured if he engaged. The president himself was so pissed he sent him straight here.”

‘Why did they even send us to this place?’ Charles asked himself. ‘This place is pointless. And Rachael...what happened to her? Is she alive?’ These thoughts ran over and over through his head as Celcy pushed him through the corridors, trying to show him the way around. This base was a maze and the soldiers they came across - always fully armored - largely ignored the pair. It wasn’t until they found themselves at the mess hall that one of them spared a second glance.

“Sirs! You are alive! I am so happy for you!” the soldier said.

“Who...?” Charles asked. That voice sounded familiar.

“Just some grunt,” Celcy replied. “I guess this was the one who helped take you in.”

“Sir are you feeling better? I hope you’re feeling better. I know I like feeling better. It makes me feel like...like...like...toast. I like toast. Do you like toast?”

“Who...is this...guy?” Charles wheezed.

“As I said, he’s just a grunt. Too stupid to know his own name.”

“I am unit 297468491.”

“See?”

Charles gave the soldier a strange look. This was the guy who’d shot him and Rachael down, who caused his injuries, who nearly killed him. And he didn’t even have a name?

“Take off...your helmet,” Charles said.

“Sir?” the unnamed soldier asked, cocking his head.

“What are you doing?” Celcy asked, looking confused as well.

“Take off...your helmet,” Charles demanded again. Slowly the soldier lifted his hands to his helmet and unlatched it. Carefully, very carefully, he took it off his head. Underneath lay a round-faced man with big, confused blue eyes and a closely cropped dirty blonde haircut. “What is...your name?”

“Unit 297468491, sir.”

“Dude, that’s all he knows. Forget it.”

“No,” Charles said. “Another...name.”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...” The soldier looked like he was trying to think, though the gears must’ve been working slow. Charles could’ve sworn his eyes went to opposite sides for a brief second.

“All you’re gonna do is confuse him,” Celcy said, annoyed.

“Your...name,” Charles demanded again.

“Dude...”

“I think...they called me...” The soldier’s face scrunched up tightly. “Andro? No. Andio. Um...Andri?”

“Andy?” Celcy put in.

“Andiot! They called me Andiot!” Celcy and Charles stared at him for a moment.

“That’s a weird fuckin’ name, dude.” Charles nodded his agreement.

“I am Andiot.”

“Celcy, there you are,” Weaver said, coming up behind them. “You were right to find me. Any later and that man could’ve died. He’s in a coma with Dr. Bracken even as we speak.”

Celcy shrugged. “Whatever.”

“I am Andiot. I like toast.”

“Ok, Charles, we can find you a room to rest in now,” Weaver said. “I apologize for making you wait. It is difficult having to prioritize as Captain of this base, but I suppose that’s why I was chosen.” Celcy snorted at that. “Come on, Celcy. You can help me put him in bed.”

“Damn it.”

A minute later had Weaver showing a stark bedroom off to Charles as Celcy rolled his eyes by the doorway. The Captain was trying to straighten up an invisible mess and apologizing profusely for the only room he had available. That was when Bracken came walking in. Immediately Weaver became quiet, looking sadly at the wrinkled form of the doctor.

“Doctor...how is he? How is unit 728459213?

“I’m sorry. He’s dead, Jim.”

Weaver looked to the ground, his hands shaking by his sides. Suddenly he looked up to the ceiling and called out at the top of his lungs, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

“Dude, I am not cleaning out the washing machine this time.”