With No Apologies

Mikel/Dark Kamui, Mikel/Kitsune; PG-13; songfic

Song used: “Don't Stay” by Linkin Park

Notes: This was supposed to be the explaination to a song on the Mikel/Dark Kamui FST I was doing a couple weeks ago, but it turned into a story so... HgN fans, enjoy.

Outside Info: This is completely from Mikel's POV. He sang this song at concert during when he and Dark Kamui were really... pissing each other off. It was mostly because he was frustrated and was doing one of his angst concerts (aka concert in which his fans love because he gets so into his music. It's like nothing else matters but putting all his feeling into his songs). It was a turning point for some of his friends, mainly Krad, Malik and Bakura since they were the three that interacted with Dark Kamui the most back then. Watching Mikel up on stage singing his heart out like this made them realize that this wasn't just some passing infatuation with something "pretty" or the need for a new toy to play with. It actually got them angry at first, but it also showed them how serious Mikel was about Dark Kamui. For one, this probably wasn't a good thing since they knew pretty well that Mikel can't deal and DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL with this sort of thing.

'Sometimes I / Need to remember just to breathe / Sometimes I / Need you to STAY AWAY FROM ME!'

Mikel doesn't know how to deal with these new feelings building inside him. Sometimes he forgets what it means to breathe around Dark Kamui, and he feels like he's dying. Sometimes he likes that feeling, but then realizes he shouldn't and reminds himself he needs to breathe, that Dark Kamui isn't important enough to go that far.

He shouldn't care so much about Dark Kamui. He is just his new toy after all, yet whenever Dark Kamui says,

"I'll leave"

he feels his heart breaking and something in him says,

"no"

but then another says,

"get away from me."

He conflicted every time he's with Dark Kamui, yet every time he's away from him, it hurts even more.

'Sometimes I'm / In disbelief I didn't know / Somehow I / Need you to go'

He doesn't realize that he's falling in love with Dark Kamui, yet every time he's reminded; it's like a brick in the face.

How could he not know?

Every time he's with him, he neglects other things to be with him, thinks of him. But he knows this isn't possible, so how can this be love? If this is love, it's no different than what he feels for his people, for his brother.

Yet something in him says

"It's different"

and then he's suddenly angry and conflicted.

"How can it be different?!" he'd scream and no one around would know what's wrong with him.

Suddenly he doesn't want to be around Dark Kamui anymore because he's doing something in him that he doesn't understand, doesn't like. It's something he can't control and it's scaring him.

When he's with Dark Kamui now, he suddenly doesn't want to be and tells him,

"I'm leaving now"

after only just appearing and Dark Kamui doesn't know what's wrong.

'DON’T STAY! / Forget our memories / Forget our possibilities'

The Promised Day is approaching.

Mikel and Kitsune can feel it and Mikel is apprehensive. He still can't think of a way that would effectively sever the link between his new toy Dark Kamui and Fate.

When he goes to see Dark Kamui, he's distant and Dark Kamui misunderstands him. They fight and Mikel is feeling all confused again and says things he doesn't/does mean.

"I hate you! I couldn't care if you die!"

and then he feels something go wrong inside him again.

Dark Kamui threatens to leave, even attempts it and Mikel doesn't seem to care and stalks off when really he wants to stay, wants to say he's sorry and that he doesn't know what's wrong.

Instead he says,

"Forget about us then! See if I care."

He really does and he doesn't know why.

'What you were changing me into / JUST GIVE ME MYSELF BACK AND / Don't stay'

Mikel goes home after a fight and falls against a wall, everything inside feeling strange and nothing making sense. He buries his face in his hands and is crying inside.

"What's happening to me? Why do I care? I hate him. I really... really hate him for what he's doing. He's doing this to me. He really should die. But why do I care?!"

Suddenly he feels arms around him and looks up and sees Kitsune there holding him, and tears are streaming down his face.

"Why are you crying?"

"Because you are. These are your tears. Oh niichan, don't you understand?"

"No. No I don't. I hate him. I don't... I don't want this. Why is he... doing this to me?"

Mikel feels drained and suddenly everything hurts. He holds onto Kitsune hard enough to hurt him and says,

"He's raping me of myself. Make him stop. Aniki make him stop!"

There is nothing to be said because both know it's true and yet it's not. Mikel realizes it's because he couldn't care if Dark Kamui really was.

The thought,

"I'll kill him. I'll kill him for doing this to me. To us. What is this? What is this pain...?"

goes from one to the other.

The thought,

"I want him gone. He's hurting us."

passes through both minds.

'Forget our memories / Forget our possibilities / Take all your faithlessness with you / JUST GIVE ME MYSELF BACK AND / Don't stay'

Then it happens.

The final fight occurs and Mikel's telling Dark Kamui all the things he feels.

"Who do you love? Me or Kitsune?!"

"Aniki! Aniki is the one I love! I hate you!"

Once again, Dark Kamui is taking it all the wrong way and says things that come out wrong and Mikel misunderstands in turn. Every emotion flares and Mikel's honestly ready to kill Dark Kamui for doing this to him. He barely controls himself enough not stop from hitting him.

Mikel feels betrayed because Dark Kamui refuses to understand and worse yet, he can't tell how much pain Mikel has been through all this time.

Dark Kamui is surprised Mikel would try to hit him and feels he really isn't worth anything to Mikel.

They have a moment of silence and both are hurting so badly. Dark Kamui feels betrayed because he thinks Mikel can't care about him if he loves Kitsune, Mikel can't believe Dark Kamui would have so little faith in him.

He finally says,

"If you want to leave, then leave! I don't want you around me anymore."

After some time, Dark Kamui leaves and Mikel is left alone.

'Sometimes I / Feel like I trusted you too well / Sometimes I / Just feel like SCREAMING AT MYSELF!’

Now Mikel feels the betrayal hitting harder because Dark Kamui has left.

"I trusted you not to do this to me. What have you done to me?! Why do I feel the way I do?!"

Nothing makes sense to Mikel and he doesn't understand why everything hurts, everything seems to be blurred and life seems to be more painful to deal with each and every day. He finds himself thinking about Dark Kamui every moment of every day. He tries to avoid going to Mindy-san's house... because he knows Dark Kamui will not be there and it will hit him harder once he goes and finally realizes this.

Something inside is broken and he doesn't understand why. It’s not until his brother tells him,

"You've fallen in love, niichan"

does it hit home and everything comes crashing down.

He shouldn't be able to love, let alone fall in love, and he suddenly doesn't want to accept it. Days pass and finally he ventures to Mindy-san's house.

The meeting with Fuuma is saddening and it finally hits like he thought it would.

He realizes it's true; he's fallen in love with Dark Kamui and he feels like screaming at himself for letting Dark Kamui go, because now there's nothing he can do without doing something extreme.

Sometimes I'm / In disbelief I didn't know / Somehow I / NEED TO BE ALONE!'

When he returns home, he isolates himself. He doesn't want anything to do with anyone, not even his twin.

Suddenly the only thing he can think about is how to stop a HUGE mistake from occurring. He thinks and thinks, but there is no way he can break the ties of a puppet from it's puppeteer without becoming the new puppeteer and it scares him to realize that even though he'd said differently before, he doesn't want to control Dark Kamui.

What startles him further is that he never really controlled him to begin with.

The tears Mikel feels welling up inside are starting to break his heart further and all he wants to do is scream because he feels so stupid for letting this happen.

He says through his pain,

"I don't want to control him! Not until he realizes what that means! I haven't been controlling him, no; instead I've been letting him control me! I did so without even realizing and I don't know why."

A voice inside tells him,

"You do. You love him. That's why."

The tears feel even stronger now and the pain in his chest just won't go away.

'I don't need -YOU- anymore / I don't want to be ignored / I don't need -ONE- more day / Of -YOU- wasting -ME- AWAY'

But Mikel is a master of delusion, even to himself.

He's thought of a way to avoid everything, to start over again. He realizes that Dark Kamui doesn't need him, that he doesn't need Dark Kamui.

"If I can start over.... If he can start over... He doesn't need me there hurting him any further. I don't need him hurting me. I don't need to be hurt anymore."

He is in his room. His brother is there.

It is the night before the Promised Day. Kamui is going crazy and they can no longer keep him locked up in his warded room. Dark Kamui has lost all memory of Mikel and his time as his Kamui.

This is the first time since DK left that Mikel and Kitsune have been in the same room together.

They are silent and then Mikel says,

"I've thought of a way to save him."

Kitsune says nothing and Mikel finally looks at him kneeling on the bed.

"But I can't go through with it."

"Why not?"

"...you know why."

They are silent again and a feeling is building up inside Mikel, a feeling that always comes when something endangers his twin.

He starts out but his brother interrupts,

"I won't let you—"

"It's okay."

The silence is stifling and Mikel doesn't know what to say.

"He's your special person, isn't he?"

"...no. You are."

"I am. But he is too. In a different way. You love him."

"No I don't. I hate him."

"You do."

Mikel is amazed at how his twin understand him and he comes to sit down by his side, pulls him into his arms and breathes into his hair,

"I don't want him to die."

"You love him, don't you?"

"...........yes. I do."

"I know."

As the sun rises, Kitsune mutters into his brother's hair,

"We will give up our time for his. In this way, you will not break your promise to him, he will be able to choose to leave or stay, you will be able to do as you please."

"I don't want to do anything that will hurt you. He doesn't mean that much to me. Not as much as you do."

"But you came up with this idea. You were ready to go through with it. Doesn't that mean you value him above me?"

Mikel suddenly can't answer and he's confused all over again.

'With no apologies'

The day is here.

Mikel watches with detached, sorrowful eyes as his two Kamui's battle, knowing one will die and the other he will kill in revenge for the one dead and in order to save both.

In his mind he is seeing when he and Dark Kamui were together and happy they were.

His chest clenches and hurts so badly because he realizes that he may have lost all that.

He thinks:

"He'll never want to see me again. He said so himself. He's... tired of this. I know. I know I am too. But I still don't want it to end. I'll never say sorry for it... because it was ours and it's all I have of you and all you have of me. Pain."

As he sees the blade come down and his Kamui's head severs from his body, the sword plunge into Muikai's chest, he feels his brother try to reach out to him but he moves away.

He doesn't need his twin feeling anymore of his sorrow than he's sure he's already feeling.

Wings appear and Mikel looks like a silent dead angel floating to the bloody battlefield.

‘Don't stay / Don't stay / DON’T STAY'

As he approaches his Kamui's lifeless body, everything hurts and in his head over and over again is

"It's your fault. You killed him with your own hands. You drove him to this. This is your fault."

Mikel becomes even more silent as he passes the body and goes to Kamui's body, to Muikai.

The Spirit Of Humanity laughs and says,

"Funny how things turn out, eh Mishale? You knew he'd die and you knew you could stop it... yet you didn't! You're no better than the rest of them! Those gods... you say you'd save us... yet we're dead anyway! You hypocrite....."

Mikel doesn't need to hear it again. He already knows.

Those around him are preparing for the sacrifice: his brother’s and his "time".

In order to bring back all those who've died, they'll give up as many of their own lives as needed to resurrect everyone. In other words, Mikel and Kitsune'll die painfully over and over and over again until everything is as it once was.

Mikel can only answer deadpan,

"It was the only way... It was the only way to free you both from them... from everything... from death... from life... from the gods... from the Fates and Destiny... and... and... from me."

He ends Muikai's life because he killed his Kamui. Revenge is complete and now Mikel can begin the sacrifice.

He feels that he doesn't deserve to live after causing all this pain, but it's all he knows. He finds it fitting to partake in a torture ritual in order to save the lives of those he's ruined.

His only regret is his twin.

He knows the pain will be unbearable.

As the ritual begins he feels the pain rush through his body in agonizing crackles of pure white pain.

"Aniki..."

he thinks and his brother smiles.

"Niichan. Daijoubou."

The words are comforting as he closes his eyes and agrees,

"Aa. Daijoubou."

Their minds concentrate on obliterating everything, concentrating the pain into them, letting their bodies part from their soul and through the rush of pain their only thoughts are for everything to return to the way it should be, the hold on the Kamui of Earth and the Kamui of Heaven to finally break, for the planet to be reborn, for life to return and for all the pains of the people of this world to cease.

The repetition of the words

"don't stay"

mirror the thoughts Mikel and Kitsune have as they correct all the wrongs done in that world.

-Don't let the hold of destiny stay on the people of the world.-

-Don't let the pains of their lives be a hindrance and hold them back from living.-

-Don't let the unwanted memories remain.-

Above all, Mikel wishes,

-Don't let the emotions and pain of his relationship stay with him or Dark Kamui-

because if Dark Kamui really is better off without him, Mikel’d rather never meet again.

Even if it hurts him, even if this futile wish for himself not to remember once/if he wakes up is in vain. Mikel knows that if he wakes up again, he'll always remember Dark Kamui, but he wishes that he won't because that pain would be easier to deal with that way.

As everything around him disintegrates and he feels his body breaking, feels himself disappearing...

As he feels his twin’s mind racked with pain mirroring his own and he can no longer see anything anymore he thinks,

“I have many regrets Kamui... you were never one of them.”