Now, before you read this, I am NOT, in any way, trying to trash English-born people. I am NOT being xenophobic or trying to insult anybody. This is merely a piece of humorous writing about the national "averages" that I have read about.

The "average" English person likes their steak well done (i.e. hard, like rubber, impossible to digest). The "average" English person eats 3,000kcal a day. The "average" English person's favourite sport is sitting. The "average" English person enjoys Big Brother and Footballer's Wives. The "average" English person (man) would love to spend the whole day sitting on the couch, swilling beer, watching football, legs 2,000m apart, half-lying on the couch in front of the TV and scratching his crotch. The "average" English person (woman) is a size 14 and a D-cup. The "average" English person (teenager) gets Ds and Cs in their GCSEs and would love to spend a day bunking off school and doing… stuff. The "average" English person works a measly 35 hours a week. The "average" English person sadly gets a salary of £15,000 (HOW CAN ANYBODY LIVE ON THAT?!). The "average" English person eats fry ups at greasy cafés at least 3 times a week.

The "average" English person is gregarious and has an IQ of 102. Not that that is always a bad thing, but it can lead to some quite bad, unfortunate mistakes being made.