Diet Coffee

Summary: Honestly, I thought. What would they come up with next? A story about diet cakes, a poodle, a lady, and an innocent waiter way too confused. ONE SHOT

“Your tea, miss.”

“Uh huh…”

Hmm, what was a word for red but with seven letters? I dangled the pen in my right hand, outlining the faded paper in front of me. Hmm, blood? Eww, no. Morbid much? Besides, it was a five lettered word.

My fingers absently reached for the pearl cup, but it still irked me so much. Red. A seven lettered word. Hmm…

Besides me Honey scuffled into the bushes already her perm was becoming full of dead bugs, leaves and ugh. I can’t even comprehend what nasty beings lurked in those bushes. Honestly, she was a pure bred poodle, a higher species. Couldn’t she even act like her title?

I sighed and glazed over the paper in front of me.

My dear Honey could get a cut from those hideous bushes! Then she’ll start howling and whining about the stupid-

“Oh,” I realized and I strutted my pencil across the page, “C-R-I-M-S-O-N, crimson!”

Besides me Honey howled.

I laughed and picked my tea up, moving the umbrella to the other side.

Swallowing, I felt some stale, shallow watery taste fill up. I instantly gasped and spat the toxin, ruining my crossword. Usually I would be mad, I mean, I slaved over that scrap all morning! But this, what, what was this?!

“Waiter,” I screeched and slammed my glass cup.

Soon a man rushed out in a black vest, a towel messily hung across his forearm.

“Ma’m, what’s wrong?” He huffed and I could only give him a slight disapproval.

“What,” I began, tipping my glass slightly, “What is this?”

The waiter curiously switched glances from the tea and back to me. Then he stepped back and took a notebook from his pocket. After glancing at the pad and checking back at my table, he quivered and looked back at me.

What was this? Couldn’t he tell what drink I had by memorization? Honestly, not that many people were in this particular café you know.

“Its diet tea Ma’m,” He answered. He strained a polite smile.

It took a while for the information to sink in and I could only raise my chin and glance at the waiter.

“What?” I asked, not knowing of this blasphemy.

“Diet…tea Ma’m. It’s very healthy and it tastes the same as regular-“

“No, no, no,” I began and I shook my head, “I did not order this. I want regular tea!”

By now the waiter was looking around him nervously, I would’ve chuckled at his shuffled feet and cold sweat if it wasn’t for how ridiculous the whole situation was.

“I’m sorry,” He began, “But we don’t carry regular tea. You see, people stopped ordering that, months ago and so we only carry the diet ones because they were favored.”

“Diet tea? People want watered down tea?” I confirmed.

The waiter nodded.

Instantly I sighed and let my head fall back.

What was this world coming to? Did people suddenly start caring about their figure? Let me tell you something I learned in History- back in the day women starved to keep themselves skinny. And it was worth it! What were these excuses, these “short cuts” to a fitter self?

First diet coke, then diet lemonade, and now this?

“What are they going to do?!” I yelled, “Make a diet coffee?!”

The waiter flushed and shrugged his shoulders.

“Blasphemy,” I repeated to myself, “All of it. What are people measuring themselves to be these days? Suddenly slim is the new black?”

“Well actually-“

“Hush, hush. Let me tell you- to get thin you got to work out, stay in shape. Get on a diet! Not drink watered down drinks everyday!”

“But,” By this the waiter leaned against the glass door, “You know it actually works.”

“Bah,” I said, waving off Honey as she scratched my leg, “Cutting down something good isn’t helping you. It ruins the taste and just leaves you hungry for more! Those greedy pigs…”

The waiter looked thoughtful for a minute, a hand rubbing his prickly chin.

“I mean, everyone loves cake,” I continued, “Are they going to do diet cake now? Why not diet everything? Then diet those things as well! Until you have nothing, absolutely nothing.”

He finally shrugged before taking my diet tea, which I so gratefully handed over. The waiter quickly sponged the juice with his cloth before turning to me and picking up my pencil.

“It’s their choice I guess,” He replied and I took back my pencil, “To each their own.”

“Whatever,” I answered, “Go get me some tea.”

“Yes Ma’m.”

I huffed and turned back to my stained, faded paper with Honey eagerly sniffing at my heels. I tapped my pencil on the wired table for a bit before the waiter came back.

This time however, I didn’t reply but neither did he, instead he just left the drink to my side and bowed a bit before striding away.

Without looking up, I reached up to the drink, but only to have my hand crushed against hot metal. Screeching I looked up in realization before setting back into an ironic smile.

Diet Coffee, how quaint.

“I hear they’re making a diet coffee.”

“No way?! I’ll so buy it if they make it.”

“Really? But you look fine!”

“No way, see these shoulders? Ugh I need to diet.”

“Really? How much do you weigh?”

“115.”

I tapped the tip of the pencil against my chin. I glanced down at Honey humorously as she played with my purse.

Taking a sip of my diet coffee, I glanced back to the crossword.

Hmm, a five letter word for youth.

I grinned.

D-I-E-T.

Mankind is working so hard to find new ways to be lazy.

(June 16, 2006)