Title: Boku wa Koko ni Iru (I Am Here)

Pairing: Mikel x Kitsune

Fandom: Hane ga Nai

30kisses Theme: 7. superstar

Character(s) Used: Kitsune, Mikel (in a incorporeal way)

Lyrics Used: Kugimiya Rie - Boku wa Koko ni Iru

Claimer: Kitsune and Mikel and Hane nashi ni Angel belong to me.

Warnings/Notes: MiKitcest. Twincest. YAOIcest. Angst. That's about it. Takes place during the time that they were seperated from one another and Kitsune (known as Michael by humans) has no memory of his brother whatsoever. Still somehow he seems to know that this mirage world he's living in isn't real, that something's missing.

Italics - song

Bold - Kitsune's mind playing tricks on him

------------------------------------------

Boku wa Koko ni Iru

nemurenai yoru heya wo nukedashi

sora wo miagete kaze wo kanjiteru

mimi wo sumashite me wo korashite

Last night, I couldn't sleep no matter what I did. I stayed up the entire time thinking about him, about the boy in my dreams. His face is always so clear to me in my dreams yet whenever I awaken in the morning or abruptly during the night, I can never remember the face of the one I feel I have an entire lifetime with. Tonight is the same. All I can do is think about him.

I want to know who you are.

kono fuukei ga kono kaze ga

dareka no tsukuri mono toshitara

ima koko ni iru kono boku mo

tsukuri mono nanoka

Whenever I am with this person, I feel safe and I feel whole. I feel as though I AM someone, which is funny. To all the people of this world I am someone, and not just anyone. I am Michael, the world known superstar singer and the god of music's beloved son. Everyone loves me. Everyone wants me. Everyone wants to be me.

But it is not what I want. At least, I don't think it is. It can't be. Not when I put on fake smiles and sing with a hollow voice and only half a heart. Not when every night I take refuge in my dreams of a boy who holds me tight and whispers sweet things into my ear. Not when everytime I wake to a cold bed tears come to my eyes and my heart aches for something more.

I feel at times that even the wondrous moon and the night cry out in agony, in the same way I silently cry out for my dream lover and it hurts. But it shouldn't. I have everything anyone could ever want but I feel like I have nothing at all. None of it matters.

It makes me wonder if, just like how this life feels like a dream and my dreams feel like reality, what if this me is nothing more than an illusion and the real me is still there, asleep and watching this me live a life that's not mine?

toikakete sagashite mitemo

kotae doko ni monai

I don't know if I'm making any sense. The saddest part about it all is that no matter where I look for answers, they will not be there. Just like my past is not here in my mind.

Just like the boy in my dreams.

kaketa pazuru wo umete yukuyouni

kioku no kakera hiroi atsumetemo

naku shitamono ga mitsukerarenai

I feel the tears slowly welling up in my eyes and I have to rub them away. He would not want to see them. I know because he tells me in my sleep. He says that tears shouldn't fall from eyes so beautiful, so bright.

Thinking about him only makes me want to be with him more, but that is almost as impossible as finding the answers to my many questions.

I look over to my neatly made bed. I haven't gone to sleep yet and it's already 2 AM. This will be yet another sleepless night, I know. I move away from my balcony window and go over to my bed to sit down on it slowly. Glancing around the room, I notice it is dark yet it seems no different than it does during the day.

That is because it is the same. There is no difference.

kono kioku ga omoidega

honto no mono janai to shitara

ima kanjiteru kono kimochi

ittai nannano

I gasp, startled to hear a voice so close to my ear yet-- as I look around the room once more, I see nothing.

"Nande mo nai..." (Nothing...)

You miss me, don't you? I miss you too.

A pair of warm arms wrap themselves around my body and draw me into a tight embrace that felt safe and familiar. Ghost kisses fluttered over my cheek and my neck and I couldn't help but sigh.

Sleep, my Beloved. Sleep and we can be together.

My eyes snap open (I had not realized when they'd closed) and I quickly turn around with more tears spilling over my cheeks. But I see nothing. There is nothing there. I bring my hands to my mouth, to my eyes and curl up into a tight ball on my sheets, sobbing to myself.

What were these strange feelings that are welling up inside? Why does it hurt so much not to see him there? Why am I crying? Gods, why does it hurt so much....?

yami no naka togisumashitemo

kotae doko nimo nai

I bury my face in my pillow and hold it close to me, letting the soft material drink in my tears. Even as I feel a warm hand on my hair, softly brushing the golden strains away from my face, I don't want to look again because I know the room will be empty. There will be no answers for why I feel him here, why I feel the way I do.

But I look anyway and what I see amazes me more than anything else in my entire life.

aosora kaze no ne kusa no nukumori

yuuyake hoshi sora egao

A crystal blue sky like nothing I've ever seen. The sound of the wind, so strong and comforting to my ears. The warmth of the grass beneath my fingers. Time suddenly seems like a blur and soon the sunset and starry sky replace the brilliant day. I have been waiting all day... Then I look and see a smiling face...

His smiling face.

kono kioku ga omoide ga

honto no mono janai toshitara

ima koko no iru kono boku wa

ittai dare nano?

He is here. He has been waiting for me here just as I've been waiting for him. I quickly get up and reach out to him, to his shadowy image but I cannot reach it and I feel I will fall soon if he does not catch me.

I expect to feel the ground but instead a pair of arms just like before hold me close and pull me against gold hair just like my own.

I have been here. I am waiting for you. I am searching still for you.

"You're.... looking for me?"

Will you wait for me to find you?

"Forever. I am waiting for you to find me."

I answer with thinking. It comes as an automatic response. No thinking, no second thoughts required. It is something that goes without saying and I do not understand it at all.

This life you live. I am sorry you are not happy. I thought you would be happy here.

kono sekai ga kono subete ga

dareka ga tsukutta sekai nara

ima koko ni iru kono boku wa

ittai nandaro

"How could I be happy without you?! This... this is not the real me. The real me is with you!"

I sob it out and I don't understand what I am saying.

Forgive me, love. I thought you would forget about me and move on. I am sorry I left you here. I wanted you to have the life we'd always wanted. To be happy. I thought... you would be happy here. I never wanted you to be sad.

"Y-You?"

My mind is thinking too fast. Too much information is going in and not enough answers were coming out. Is he real? Why did he leave me here? What did he mean? Who-Who IS he?!

You know who I am, Kitsune. I have been here... all this time. Anata wa soko ni desu ka? (Are you there?)

I gasp and I feel tears spring to my eyes once more as I pull away from him, hoping this once that I'll be able to see him. Just this once.

Just this once I want to see who this boy is...

Myself?! The same eyes and face, the same hair and hands and the same curve of the mouth. Everything is exactly the same. There is even the same sadness in his eyes as mine.

"Omae..." (You are...)

Gomen... Aniki. (I'm sorry... Brother.)

sora mukai toikaketemo

kotae koko ni wa nai

boku wa ima koko ni iru

I wake with a start (when did I fall asleep?) and I turn towards my window, just in time to feel the brush of lips against mine and I see cobalt color eyes just like mine watch me sadly before vanishing into the night. My feet move on their own accord and stumble over to the window where I cry out to the night sky with every bit of heartache in me.

"NIICHAN! ....Niichan......" (BROTHER! ....Brother.....)

I sob against the balcony railing, feeling my legs give way. The night would not answer me, I could not hear that sweet word uttered back in reply and once again I am in pain. My hands come to my face again as shuddering cries escape my lips and I know I have woken up most of the house but it does not matter because I now know this is not my house. This is not my life. This is not the real me.

Yet I want to believe that somehow... someway he will know who I am and will come back for me. That he will not have to ask me, if I am there or not because I was, I will be.

If only....

"Boku wa..... koko ni iru... koko ni iru." (I am here. I am here.)

I sob brokenly. I hear someone at my door but it is not who I am waiting for. In frustration I cry out.

"Boku wa ima koko ni iru, Niichan! Mitsukeru yo! Onegai! Niichan!" (I am here now, Brother! Find Me! Please! Brother!)

-Owari- (end)