Better Left Unsaid

I would just like to say, I knew this was a bad idea from the start and I take total and complete responsibility for my, for the lack of a better word, stupid actions. Of course, when I told this to my parents they just frowned and told me I needed counseling or my lack of respect for authority would escalate and before they knew it I would be too far-gone.

They also said I was acting out because of Peter’s death. Whether this is true or not, I really don’t know, but what I do know is that my therapist is completely normal.

As of right now, I’m at my 4 o’clock appointment with Dr. Bockis. She’s just sitting there looking calm and relaxed, while I give her thousands of reasons as to why I shouldn’t be here. All she does is listen, nod, sip her tea, and say, “okay” every so often.

“My being here is insane, I mean, there are tons of people way more crazed than I am. I’m sure you could just walk down this street and find someone with problems worse than mine. I don’t even have problems.”

She nods and says, “I know you don’t have problems.” That was the first time she spoke besides introducing herself.

I can’t tell if she’s mocking me or not, but I continue.

“I admit I shouldn’t have just left like I did and go to the party, but at the moment it just felt so right. I just don’t see why it’s such a big deal. Don’t all teens do something like this at least once?” I ask in the rhetorical sense.

“They do,” she responds then fixes her glasses and writes something on her notepad.

“Exactly.”

“That’s not why you’re here though. Your mother told me your uncle just died and said your were acting out because of it.” She sipped her tea. “Is that true?”

“I did ditch my parents at dinner and went to a party, didn’t I?”

“But you just said that was something all teens do at least once.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that statement. Instead I just stayed quiet until she said something else.

“From what your mother told me over the phone, you and your uncle were close and to the best of my knowledge you seem to be handling his death quite well.”

“I guess,” I said in response.

I really didn’t understand how you could handle something like death “quite well” or handle it in any way at all. It was death, not something you could fix or change.

Apparently she noticed my lack of interest in talking about this subject so she smoothed out her skirt, sipped her tea, and told me to tell her exactly what happened last Saturday night.

Of course, being me, I edited out certain parts she didn’t need to hear about. It wasn’t because I was embarrassed or ashamed at anything that happened; it’s just that some things are better left unsaid.

The night really started when Lucas and I went outside to tell Rachel to go back home. Well, that’s what I wanted to tell her, what actually happened was an entirely different story.

Rachel had asked us to go to her friend’s party, I said no, Lucas said yes, I said no again, and then Lucas walked inside and then back out and said, “Okay, let’s go.”

Of course, I was completely confused.

For a moment I had thought he went inside to ask our parents. Apparently, he just went inside to get his keys. He didn’t trust Rachel’s car, for whatever reason. It didn’t matter to me because I still wasn’t going. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t something I was going to do. I turned away from Michael and Rachel, who were starting to walk to the front yard, and started to walk back inside. Then I changed my mind and started following them to the car.

I didn’t stop. I didn’t think. I just followed them while ignoring the sensible part in my mind telling me to go back inside. The part telling me that I was being stupid. The problem was, I didn’t care. I needed this. I needed to do something, anything to get my mind off of reality.

While walking behind them to the car Lucas turned around and smiled at me and said, “You’ll have a lot of fun. I promise.”

I didn’t believe him for a second but I nodded in agreement anyways. I got inside the car and closed my eyes and tried to assure myself that I needed this. I couldn’t explain why, but I knew I did.

…

From the road, Amanda's house had closed blinds and a neatly trimmed lawn. But stepping inside her house became a near death experience I was not expecting. As soon as my foot landed inside the door, Rachel and Lucas disappeared and I was engulfed by the crowed of crazed teenagers dancing. This was pure sheer insanity and I was trapped. I started breathing heavily and realized this was the worst time to develop claustrophobia. I was out of my element and I had no idea what to do. I felt like an outsider spying on rabid animals in the jungle during mating season. Guys and girls were hanging off each other and grabbing at any body part they could reach as if they couldn’t get close enough. Everything I saw became so surreal. Life at that moment became an alternate reality that I was not part of. No one was human. No one was safe.

I began to try to move around the dancing bodies hoping not to be swept in to their ritualistic mating game. Never in my life have I been close to so many people in such a little amount of space. The smell of the sweat and perfume mixed together coming off the nameless bodies started to make me dizzy. I felt like just stopping in the middle of the crowd and just try to breathe.

I realized breathing was a bad idea after I paused for one second and was almost shoved to the ground. This was war. This was more than war. This was every single thing I felt at that very moment pouring out. I can’t in any way really describe what I felt or how I felt. I just pushed myself through the crowed back to the front door. After I got outside I continued walking at the exact same pace. There was no room for stopping or even contemplating what was going through my head. This was an entirely different feeling than the one I had when I decided to come here. This wasn’t some crazy form of logic where I tried to convince myself that this was what I needed. I didn’t need anything. I just felt like walking.

I kept walking and walking until I realized I had no idea where I was going. I felt stupid. This was the absolute worst time to get lost. Until I stopped to think for a moment I hadn’t realized that my chest hurt. It felt heavy and I wanted to collapse on the ground. I knew I should go back to the party. Sooner or later Lucas or Rachel would realize I was missing. Though, in all honesty, I didn’t really care.

Finally, I stopped my endless wandering when I realized where I was. Somehow I ended up at the park down the street from my house. It made sense; Amanda’s house really wasn’t that far from mine. I started walking towards the park in the direction the swing set for the second time this month. The last time I was here I had cried remembering the time Peter and I went to the park, but this time it was different. In an odd way, the swing set felt sort of comforting, almost as if Peter was actually there.

I reached the swings and sat on the same one I had last time, and the time before that. I closed my eyes and started to swing. It was completely dark outside and for that I was thankful. I knew no one was watching, or at least that’s what I thought. I felt completely free of everything. In my mind, the party didn’t exist. Death didn’t exist. Nothing existed. That is, until I opened my eyes for a second and realized I wasn’t the only one here.

“I take it you didn’t like the party,” Lucas said as he walked closer to the swings.

“It was loud,” I replied.

“Most parties are.” He smiled.

I didn’t. I really didn’t want him here. I was happy being here alone.

Lucas sat down on the swing. The same one Peter had been on months before and the same one I was on just a while ago.

My body tensed up. I was going crazy just watching him swinging and smile at me like everything was okay. He was sitting on Peter’s swing. That was not okay. I wanted to smack him, to tell him to get off the damn thing. It wasn’t his to swing on.

“Are you just going to stare at me?” he asked, still smiling.

Bastard. Acting like nothing was wrong.

“Could you please get off the swing?” I asked.

“Why? Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?” he retorted in a mocking voice. “Am I too old to be on the swings?”

I stood perfectly still. That’s exactly what Peter said.

“It’s night. Even if I were embarrassed, no one can see you,” I pointed out.

“Very true, so let me swing. Unless you want to go back to the party.”

That was the last thing I wanted to do. I rather stay here and be bothered by Lucas than go back to Amanda’s house. Plus, he wasn’t so bad. Even if he is a swing stealing bastard, I rather it be him here than Rachel.

“No, it’s okay, you can stay here,” I finally replied.

“Good. The party was crap anyways and I’m pretty sure someone licked me when I was trying to leave.”

I didn’t say anything in reply. We just sat there rocking back and forth on the swings while dragging our feet through the sand. I’m not sure if Lucas stayed silent because he realized I didn’t want to talk or he just had nothing else to say. Either way, I was grateful.

A while later Lucas moved from the swings and onto the grass. I didn’t even notice he was gone until I looked over and saw him lying on down by a tree. I began to wonder just how long we had been here and decided to check my cell phone. I took it out from my pocket, flipped it open and noticed I had seven missed calls. I shut the phone and looked at the front screen. 2 a.m.

Brilliant.

I decided not to care or at least to tell myself that I didn’t care. So instead I walked over to Lucas, who was now lying face down in the grass and asked him, “What about Rachel?” I’m not even sure why I asked that because I honestly really didn’t care.

“What about her?” he replied without lifting up his head from the grass.

“You drove her to the party in your car and now you’re here and your car is not and neither is she.”

“Very observant. She’s staying at Amanda’s house tonight.”

“Oh,” I replied and then asked, “What about us?”

“Well, we could go home since we’re about five minutes from our houses or we could stay here and sleep in the grass. It could be adventurous.”

I sighed and sat down.

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I am so sorry it took so long to update. I just had such a hard time writing this chapter. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it.