The Adventures of Davin Watrous, a Fantasy fanfic

There's a very big, beautiful garden, and in the middle of it is the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck. There's also King Twenty's Body. King Twenty's Body is moving through the garden, toward the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck.

This is the way that King Twenty's Body will move through the garden: King Twenty's Brain will send signals through King Twenty's Body to King Twenty's Leg. The signals from King Twenty's Brain to King Twenty's Leg will make the muscles and tendons in King Twenty's Leg move. The way that King Twenty's Muscles and Tendons move will make King Twenty's Knee bend, and they will also lift King Twenty's Foot up and away from the ground. After that, King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Leg, telling the muscles and tendons in King Twenty's Leg to move King Twenty's Leg forward, away from King Twenty's Body, and that's exactly what King Twenty's Muscles and Tendons will do. Then King Twenty's Brain will send signals to the muscles and tendons in King Twenty's Leg. The signals that King Twenty's Brain send to King Twenty's Muscles and Tendons are what will cause King Twenty's Foot to go back down towards the ground, where the gravity is. When that's done, King Twenty's Brain will begin sending signals to King Twenty's Other Leg, telling it to do the same thing that King Twenty's First Leg had just done before it (King Twenty's Brain will send signals through King Twenty's Body to King Twenty's Other Leg, the signals from King Twenty's Brain to King Twenty's Other Leg will make the muscles and tendons in King Twenty's Other Leg move, the way that King Twenty's Muscles and Tendons move will make King Twenty's Other Knee bend, and they will also lift King Twenty's Other Foot up and away from the ground, and so on). King Twenty's Brain, Body, Legs, Knees, Feet, Muscles, and Tendons will do all of these things over and over again, with King Twenty's Brain sending signals to King Twenty's Left Leg after finishing with his Right, or King Twenty's Brain sending signals to King Twenty's Right Leg after finishing with his Left, depending on which of King Twenty's Legs King Twenty's Brain started sending signals to first, until King Twenty's Body has reached the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck, and then King Twenty's Body will move up the spiral staircase that wraps around the outside of the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck.

Now King Twenty's Body is at the top of the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck. The Rock that Looks Like a Longneck is much larger than King Twenty's Body. It took King Twenty's Body a long, long time to get there. Now this is what will happen: King Twenty's Brain will send a signal to King Twenty's Lungs, making them fill up with air. After that's happened, King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Lungs to push the air up King Twenty's Esophagus, past King Twenty's Vocal Chords. Then King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Vocal Chords, King Twenty's Tongue, King Twenty's Lips, King Twenty's Jaw, and King Twenty's Hard & Soft Palates, and all of these things will work together, and a special kind of noise will be made. If someone were to hear this noise and put it into writing, this is what the noise would look like:

O, Moone, thyne crainiall'd vestige hath

In mem'ry myne groon doure

This heartbloode hath ne droun thy bath

Syn thirty-fyv of houre!

Yit nowwe, a selly silense doth

Beventure crost the lande

Ne wiste of evils, that mayye in trauth

I offre thee myne hande

For Moone, myne Tymex ticulates

That Tyme hath droun anoon

For we to daunce amonge the Starres

'Till Ass-Sunne's fayce begroon

And twirr'l me thr'out the blachn'd Skye

Tho noot discusciouns mayke

And eke the Poulcrist on the hye

Forstand't to willen spayke

The M’lestor’s birth begivven to

The How’ling Moulestee

And circl’d round unyte the two

Til ryse the lykes of thee

Bist them to theyr underrocks,

And slass'd the muggers throu!

And eke befoon the shuttle-cocks

With Kaptyn Kengaroo

So rise, O Moone, and ouvrecoome

The crested Faurce of Gravitee

Parfit dauncing hath becoome

Our aldermost prioritee

Ere the wreekful Sunne comes creeping

Berus'd of waxxe and wayne

The Bastards undre the Bedde are sleeping:

The Southe shall ryse againe!

Now the Moon starts to rise up over the hills. The Moon gazes lovingly at King Twenty, and King Twenty's Eyeballs gaze lovingly back at the Moon. This is what's about to happen: King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Arm, which will cause King Twenty's Arm to extend up towards the Moon. The Moon will reach down to take King Twenty's Hand. After that happens, King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Leg, and King Twenty's Leg will lift up into the air, away from the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck. At that time the Moon will pull King Twenty's Body up into the sky with her. King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Waist, and King Twenty's Body will bow to the Moon. The Moon will curtsey to King Twenty's Body. That will be the time for King Twenty's Brain to send signals to King Twenty's Arms, and King Twenty's Arms will reach out and take hold of the Moon. The Moon will also take hold of King Twenty's Body. After that King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Right Leg, and King Twenty's Right Leg will step forward, towards the Moon. At the same time, the Moon will step away from King Twenty's Right Leg with her left. Then King Twenty's Brain will begin sending signals to King Twenty's Left Leg. Those signals will cause King Twenty's Left Leg to step forward so that it is even with King Twenty's Right Leg. The Moon will step back with her right leg so that it will be even with her left. Then King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Right Leg, which will make King Twenty's Right Foot rise up, and then King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Right Leg to set King Twenty's Right foot back down again, where it was before. The moon will do the same thing with her left leg. Then, after they've done all that, they'll do it again, only this time it will be the Moon stepping forward with her right leg, and King Twenty's Left Leg stepping back. They will repeat this thing, again and again, twirling around in the sky, for a long time.

Now King Twenty's Body and the Moon have been dancing for a long time. King Twenty's Body and the Moon stop dancing. King Twenty's Eyeballs point toward the Moon, and King Twenty's Brain begins sending signals to King Twenty's Vocal Chords, King Twenty's Tongue, King Twenty's Lips, King Twenty's Jaw, and King Twenty's Hard & Soft Palates:

O, Moone, the houre's manifell'd

That thou wast on thy weye

Fantastikness of Nite befell'd

By wykkedness of Daye

Thryce-damn'd Sunne shall roil aboot

And rayse His thryce-damned hedde

And with His thrice-damned tounge call oot

To the Bastards undre the Bedde

Aswarm'th myne grande Confed'racy

The Bastards, everichoon

Attrast anon to Thorment me

Ha'bist thee gonne, O Moone

For-why myne siff'ring quod I thus:

The Sunne, in jalousee

Bewratht affectiounes bynding us

Twain unioun I to thee

The wastrilles! Helle may theyen steale

Abriff'd with craunching bonne!

They've 'talicized the Narra-Tor

And underscorr'd myne Thronne!

But twixt the 5ealms of wykkedness

Beguis’d fair pockets be

Eke surer I ne alt than this

Eschoon my luvve of thee

Tho nat to willen thy deperte

I bid thee hasten thrue

That nist dereptioun of myne herte

Prolonginng'd payne undue

But with asrounderr’d evils be

So quikken back, O Moone

And if goode hap enchances me

The sequinite commune

So bist thee gonne, beloved flayme

And preyen thou for me

Mr. Jap'nese Bigshot’s drouwn my nayme

Our Tyme is nowwe but three!

When the Moon hears the beautiful things that King Twenty just said, she gives him a last loving look and continues on her journey. (Actually, it should here be noted that the Moon has never truly heard anything that she thinks King Twenty has said. What’s really happening is that the vibrations caused by King Twenty's Vocal Chords, King Twenty's Tongue, King Twenty's Lips, King Twenty's Jaw, and King Twenty's Hard & Soft Palates travel through the air and into the Moon’s eardrums. Her eardrums begin to vibrate in a fashion vaguely similar to the way in which the air around them was vibrating, but not nearly identical. Then the neurons in the Moon's brain will pick up what they assume are signals from her eardrum, and they’ll compare those signals to signals that they’ve received before. If they resemble in any way the signals that they’ve rashly ascribed to previous encounters with King Twenty’s Body, they’ll automatically jump to the conclusion that they must have come from it. Furthermore, the neurons will be simultaneously comparing and contrasting the signals from the vibrations of the eardrum from the vibrations in the air from the vibrations in King Twenty’s Vocal Chords to other words that they think they’ve become familiar with, whether they came from the object that they foolishly identify as the Body of King Twenty or not. If these words seem even remotely like the signals that they’re receiving from the vibrations, right off the bat they’ll presumptuously declare that those words must carry the same “meaning” though I shudder to use that term as the signals that they’ve been observing. Perfectly ridiculous, if you ask me.) The Moon sees many things as she travels. All of the things she sees appear first on the horizon, then when she gets closer to them they are underneath her and she's looking down on them, and then they disappear behind her as she continues on her Way.

The Moon leaves the garden that surrounds the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck. She's above a grassy plain. The Wind is blowing gently through the tall green blades, and the way that it does this makes her feel welcome. The Moon shines warmly back at the grass. All the blades of grass look healthy to the Moon, because they are all lush and tall and proud and patriotic and economically stable, and she can also see that each of them has their own hopes and dreams and goals and ambitions for the time that will happen after now. The Moon hopes that only good things will happen to them, and no bad things.

Pretty soon a Babbling Brook finds its way through the grassy plain, until it's right underneath the Moon. It's traveling in the same direction as her. A Well-Worn Footpath also decides to follow along underneath the Moon, and travels side by side with the Babbling Brook. That's how they'll go for a long time, with the Babbling Brook and the Well-Worn Footpath next to one another, and the Moon above the Well-Worn Footpath and the Babbling Brook. The Moon is glad for the company. Sometimes the Babbling Brook, because it's so happy and full of energy, will sometimes go off to the side a little bit to explore, but it'll always come back. The Well-Worn Footpath will also, in its joy, separate from the others for a short time to investigate something interesting it sees. The Moon will never leave her path, though. They’re traveling this way all the way along, staying close as possible, because they enjoy each other’s company. They grow fonder and fonder of one another the further they go, and the fonder they grow the closer they stick together, and soon the Babbling Brook and the Well-Worn Footpath don’t even leave the Moon at all, but go in a perfectly straight line, just like she does. They’ll greet all the things that they come across in their journey like that, close together, as a group. Here’s a list of some of the strange and wonderful Things that the three of them discover together:

1. A Ferris Wheel

2. Three rocks

3. A ripple in the Way Things Are

4. A Utopian Dynasty

5. A Reed which sings songs of cartoons and plastic toys

6. The sound of a can opener

7. A severed head

8. A Pile of Steel

Those are all the things that the Moon, the Babbling Brook, and the Well-Worn Footpath saw on their journey. They also saw other things together, but now they have to separate because they've just come to the Turbulent Sea. Here’s why: the Moon can’t steer around the Turbulent Sea, so she’s going to have to go over it. The Babbling Brook can’t go over the Turbulent Sea, so it’s going to flow into it. The Well-Worn Footpath can’t flow into the Turbulent Sea, so it’s going to have to steer around it. And that's what each of them will do, depending on their specialty.

Now’s the part about the Turbulent Sea. It’s very, very big, and since the Moon has to go over it, instead of into it, or around it, she’s going to be looking down on it the whole entire time. The Turbulent Sea isn’t ever really still; it’s always doing some sort of thing, and if you look down into it, what you’ll see is a twirling, churning mess of Water and Foam and Spray and Whirlpools and Sand and Mud and Muck and Seaweed and Driftwood and Dead Marine Creatures and Distress and Starvation and Worries and Fear and Anger and Lust and Greed and Selfishness and Regrets and Opinions and Pride and Pessimism and Dwellings on the Past and Frettings about the Future and Discontent with the Present and a Sense of Otherness and a Preoccupation with One’s Feelings and an Excessive Attachment to the Fruit of One’s Labors and an Overestimation of the Significance of Mind and a Steadily Growing Feeling of Kierkegaardian Despair. The Moon thinks that she really wants to see down to the bottom of the Sea, because she’s pretty sure that if she can, something perfect will happen. She’d even be happy to see just a few feet below the surface, but every time she tries, her view is immediately obscured by a Whirlpool or some Seaweed or a Fretting about the Future or something. It’s frustrating when that kind of thing happens, so pretty soon the Moon gives up trying and turns up her nose to the Turbulent Sea.

Now everyone knows that when you turn your nose up at something, the rest of your head also turns up; it’s not a secret at all, and that’s the thing that’s happening as the Moon turns hers up and away from the Turbulent Sea. This is the reason that the Moon, with her gaze pointing up instead of down, is for the first time able to see the Stars. Now the Moon is looking at the Stars, and she’s thinking about them, too, and she’s realizing, right about now, that she is not, after all, the highest and most powerful of all the Things, and that there are, in fact, many other Things that are much more high than she is, and more powerful also. This new thing that she’s just figured out doesn’t seem to make the Moon happy, it looks like it makes her the opposite, because she’s glaring up at them with a jealous expression on her face, and the Stars are shining down on her indifferently.

While she’s busy glaring up and the Stars, and continuing on her Way at the same time, Land creeps up underneath the Moon. The Moon doesn’t notice it at first, but after a while she glances down to see where she is, and Land’s sudden appearance gives her quite a start. At first she’s gasping and panting with fright, then after she calms down she gets annoyed with Land’s rudeness for not having done something to get her attention, and by now she’s probably feeling repulsed by its hideous face as well, because it is truly horrid. It’s mostly made up of gigantic, pointy rocks that are black as the sky, with bits of heath and bramble filling in some of the cracks. There’s also some broken glass and bones tossed about all over, and a few pathetic-looking dead trees, but other than that there’s nothing, as far as the Moon can see, except for a Throne, which sits in the middle of it all.

The Throne looks pretty much how the Moon would’ve expected a Throne to look, with gold, diamonds, a velvet cushion and everything, except that it’s got a face. As her Way takes her closer and closer to it, she sees that it’s looking right back at her, laughing like a maniac and, when she gets close enough to hear it, saying these horrible things:

Ho there, Moon, I do declare

You’re uglier than armpit hair!

But I’ll French kiss you for a dollar

Or even masticate your collar!

The Moon makes turns up her nose to the creature and continues on her Way.

Wait! I was only joshin’ you!

A prank! A pun! A lim’rick, too!

Just stay & blab with me a bit

I’ve memorized a Python skit...

The Moon pauses.

...Which I shall quote sans interruption

But first, I think, an introduction:

Yourself, the Moon, & I am known

Around the world as Royal Throne!

The Moon stops and turns to look at him.

Cast thy silver'd gaze on me

I'm Perfecter than Perf should be

I'm sweet & sensitive, but strong

& my dick is more than three feet long!

So welcome, Moon, to my domain

The Union o'er which I'm the Thrane

Pull up a chair, we'll chat & chit

We'll talk all night! We'll shoot the shit!

I've scored us each a reservation

To a long & boring dissertation!

It'll be so dull our skin will melt!

It's awesomer than gargling felt!

The Moon starts to turn and continue on her Way, but she stops when the creature starts talking again:

Unless you’ve made another plan?

Go on! Go! I’ll understand

Continue on your precious Way

I never liked you anyway!

I think of this, & realize

You've prob'ly meant to fraternize

With en’my Ribble of the Souf!

I oughta pop you inna mouf!

That chump! Beguzzling mead & Snapples,

Apple Jacks don't taste like apples!

"Luv, luv, luv, luv, luv, O Moon

Eke roon begoon eschoon anoon!"

Ha ha! A daring imitation

Acquitted 'pon the valk'rie's station

On r'lated note, I do decree

I think I'll drink this cup of pee!

The Moon turns and continues on her Way. The Royal Throne calls after her as she leaves:

He can't run from them forever, Moon!

They're closing in, they'll have him soon!

It won't be long before he gives-

I've told the Bastards where he lives!

She ignores the creature's shrieking laughter. The ugly black rocks become less and less tall and less and less scary, until they're gone and it's a Desert now. It's just a big, blank Place, going on for a long time, with nothing in it at all. It's cold and lonely to the moon, and she hates it, she hates it here in the Desert. Here in the Desert there's only sand, and nothing else, no interesting objects for her to inspect, or nice people to tell her she's wonderful and she's going the right Way, or even any mean creatures to threaten her and call her names, and she doesn't like it. But there is something. There is something, here in the Desert. It's a Pool of Water. The Moon stares at it in anticipation as she approaches, as she waits until it's underneath her, but when she reaches it she recoils and tries not to look. She sees her own reflection, and she sees how ugly she is, and she sees her flaws and problems. The Moon can't remember having ever felt so alone. As she continues on her Way, on her Way across the cold, lonely Desert, the Moon plays a game to pass the time, a game to see what else she can remember and cannot remember. She remembers the Pool of Water, that's fresh now, she remembers that well. She remembers when she first saw the beginning of the Desert, that seems fresh also, but not so much as the Pool. She is pleased to realize that she can remember the big, ugly black rocks, and even that horrible creature that lives there. Beyond that, she's pretty sure she remembers some big, shiny objects in the Sky, who might have done something mean to her, she's not sure. There was a lot of water below her, she thinks that it was for a long, long time, the water. Beyond that, things become very uncertain, but the Moon suspects, no, she is very sure that there was someone far beyond that whom she had left behind, or else was fast approaching, she's not sure which, but she can't remember his name. The Moon keeps these memories, holds on to them tight, and keeps them as her only company as she travels across the horrible Desert, but soon even they start to leave her, and she panics. She panics because she's worried that her memories will leave her, and then she'll be really alone, completely alone.

Then trees, and then a forest, O!

The Moon sees the first of the trees of on the horizon, and is very, very relieved and happy, but she is also cautious, because it might be a trick. But there are more trees after those trees, and after them, the Forest. The Moon is extremely, extremely, extremely happy. It is now for sure, it seems to her, that there are Things over there, or at least one Thing that looks like many Things, but she doesn't like to jump to conclusions like that. When she reaches the Forest, the two greet each other warmly, and the Moon is almost unreasonably thankful for the company. She immediately sets about getting to know the Forest better by traveling on her Way above it and looking at all the wonderful Things inside of it. One of the many things that the Moon sees is a tiny little baby, lying on the ground in the middle of the Forest. It looks up at the Moon and says:

Hello, Moon! My name is Davin Watrous! Someday I’m going to do Big Things!

As the Moon reaches the edge of the Forest and the two are beginning to say their tearful goodbyes, she sees a City with a Wall running through it. The Moon thinks that it’s a shame that the City should be divided so, because the two sides must be lonely. The Forest thinks that also. They part in a spirit of agreement and companionship.

There are some other Things after that, and then there are the Hills. The Moon thinks that they look very nice, with their green grass, and their running streams, and their dancing fawns, and their lute players, and their masculine façades, and their willingness to make sacrifices and concessions. As she prepares to rise up over and above them, the Moon hears the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard:

O Moone, arisen o'er the Hilles

Aswiftlee as thou may'st

And asken Godde my speache enfilles

Thine earre, for-do I pray'st!

That thou might swiflee lande betoss,

Aspeeded from afaur!

In Houlee Nayme of Jesus Chross

Envoken I this praur.

It is then that the Moon rises, rises up above the Hills, and beholds the beautiful garden. It is green and lush, though some of the flora has been trampled upon or uprooted, and in it growing the loveliest of things such as tackleberries, oatleaf, water faggots, essence-of-Kasturbai, quail cabbage, ghetto lilies, peoplesprouts, disgusting roses, snipes, rotroot and grape-on-the-cob. It is a thing of such beauty that the Moon nearly forgets the song she just hear, until she sees the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck and the crumpled thing holding onto it. King Twenty's Body has clawed its way about halfway up the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck, but was unable to complete its journey because someone has pulled its legs off.

O Moone, a soit for ayching ayes

Thyne pockless image be!

Now ressin me unto the skyes

And daunshoon thou to me!

Ap'logees thou, O sin-sorn Moone

For this, myne brokun frayme

Asmit by Bastards, ev'richoon

And mash't to-minnen mayme!

But bist ne wistle, then or thuth,

Of whinse one waestrel be

For lo! This Sunne-schoon nocsfeldt doth

Belaung hencefarth to we!

The Moon gazes lovingly at King Twenty, and King Twenty's Eyeballs gaze lovingly back at the Moon. This is what's about to happen: King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Arm, which will cause King Twenty's Arm to extend up towards the Moon. The Moon will reach down to take King Twenty's Hand. After that happens, King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Leg, and King Twenty's Leg will not do anything, because it's somewhere else. At that time the Moon will pull King Twenty's Body up into the sky with her. King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Waist, and King Twenty's Body will bow to the Moon. The Moon will curtsey to King Twenty's Body. That will be the time for King Twenty's Brain to send signals to King Twenty's Arms, and King Twenty's Arms will reach out and take hold of the Moon. The Moon will also take hold of King Twenty's Body. After that King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Right Leg, and King Twenty's Right Leg will not do anything, because King Twenty's Body is no longer attached to King Twenty's Right Leg. At the same time, the Moon will step away from where King Twenty's Right Leg used to be with her left. Then King Twenty's Brain will begin sending signals to King Twenty's Left Leg. Those signals will do nothing, because King Twenty's Left Leg is too far away for the signals from King Twenty's Brain to do any good. The Moon will step back with her right leg so that it will be even with her left. Then King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Right Leg, which will make King Twenty's Brain begin producing various chemicals, affecting King Twenty's Sweat Glands, King Twenty's Nervous System, and King Twenty's Stomach Acid. The moon will do the something with her left leg. Then, after they've done all that, they'll do it again, only this time it will be the Moon stepping forward with her right leg, and King Twenty's Brain sending signals to King Twenty's Left Leg, but to no avail. They will repeat this thing, again and again, twirling around in the sky, for a long time.

O Moone, myne herte is fill'd with bloode

But eke with brow'ling Doome

Of aldertallness undrestoode:

Our Tyme hath droun anoon

Well-wist am aye of praungs and payne

Well-too the bourning taurche

But oost ne thornments can contraine:

Thyne 'parture doth me scaurche

Adoo yow fortright disapaer!

Lest I shouldt thou entrye

Of selfisnis to kep yow herre

And mote all farstbourne dyye

Embynde myne herte to thee we shodde

That perte mey nivre we

And trusten us to Mytee Godde

Our blassed union be

Encrooven us ne Parple Stuffe,

We crooven Sunny Dee!

Ne schoon of luvve fordue enuffe:

Our Tyme is down to twee!

When the Moon hears the beautiful things that King Twenty just said, she gives him a last loving look and continues on her journey. (Actually, it should here be noted that the Moon has never truly "looked" at King Twenty at all. What’s really happening is that light is reflecting off King Twenty's Body and going into the Moon's eyeball, which in turn casts an image similar, but by no means identical to, King Twenty's Body onto the Moon's retinas. Then the neurons in the Moon's brain will pick up what they assume are signals from her retinas, and they’ll compare those signals to signals that they’ve received before. If they resemble in any way the signals that they’ve rashly ascribed to previous encounters with King Twenty’s Body, they’ll automatically jump to the conclusion that they must have come from it. Furthermore, the neurons will be simultaneously comparing and contrasting the signals from her retinas to the signals that her retinas have sent her before which seem to contain a reflection of the image of King Twenty’s Body, regardless of the distance or the angle from which King Twenty’s Body was in relation to the Moon, or against what backdrop King Twenty’s Body is standing against, or how many limbs it has. In a delicious twist of irony, it turns out that the very light reflecting off of King Twenty’s Body is in fact coming from the Moon herself, which is in turn being reflected off of her by the Sun, whom they hate. Which proves once and for all that nothing matters and it’s all trivial and that it‘s no good going on. The best thing would be for you to stop reading this and shoot yourself in the face right now.)

The Moon leaves the garden that surrounds the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck. She's above an endless field of tallgrass. The Sun has done terrible things to the grass, and the Moon recoils with a shudder at the sight of it. It hurts the Moon to even look at the grass, because it is so dried-out and withered and downtrodden and depressed and degraded and sexually molested and shamelessly exploited for money and kindling. The Moon shines down mercifully on the grass, to let it know that things will get better and soon only good things will happen to it and no bad things.

Soon a Babbling Brook appears underneath her and starts to travel alongside her without asking for permission. A Well-Worn Footpath also decides to impose itself upon the Moon, and it weaves back and forth with the Babbling Brook underneath her in a very disconcerting manner. The Moon eyes the two suspiciously and pretends she does not see them. Wherever the Babbling Brook and the Well-Worn Footpath intersect in their incessant weaving, a bridge spans the Brook that the Footpath may continue on. They continue on in this way, the increasingly wary Moon moving in a straight line above the Babbling Brook and the Well-Worn Footpath, who do not move in a straight line but interweave while coming and going as they please without saying goodbye or hello. They’ll greet all the things they come across in this way, each pursuing their own goals and ambitions independently of one another and only remaining together for protection. Here’s a list of some of the strange and frightening Things that the three of them discover together:

1. A blue cup that says Pepsi on it

2. Five rocks

3. A Book of Things Man Was Not Meant to Know

4. An Oppressive Dictatorship

5. A Reed which sings songs of income taxes and life insurance

6. You mother’s maiden name

7. A severed head

8. A Pile of Weapons

Those are most of the things that the Moon, the Babbling Brook, and the Well-Worn Footpath saw on their journey. They also saw other things together, but now they have to separate because they've just come to the Stagnant Sea. Here’s why: the Moon can’t steer around the Turbulent Sea, so she’s going to have to go over it, reluctant though she may be. The Babbling Brook can’t go over the Stagnant Sea, so it’s going to get sucked up into it, kicking and screaming the entire time. The Well-Worn Footpath doesn’t get sucked up into the Stagnant Sea, so it’s going to stop and give up. And that's what each of them will do, depending on their capacity.

Now’s the part about the Stagnant Sea. It stretches out as far as the Moon can see, so far in fact that she is convinced she’ll never see the end of it. When she looks down into it (which she does as rarely as she can), all she can see is a completely inert mass of disgusting, putrid fluid, nearly all of which is covered with Muck and with Mire, and with Moribund Algae, and Raw Sewage, and Blackened Scum, and Rotting Corpses, and Acadia, and Apathy, and Gluttony, and Listlessness, and Indecisiveness, and Uncertainty, and Confusion, and Doubt, and Wasted Energy, and Wasted Time, and Wasted Brain Cells, and Diffusion of Purpose, and Feelings of Redundancy, and Feelings of Powerlessness, and the Desire to Drown It All Out, and the Sadly Lacking Element of Perseverance, and the Dark Night as Described by That Spanish Mystic All Those Years Ago. The Moon thinks that she really wants to see down to the bottom of the Sea, because she’s pretty sure that if she can, something perfect will happen. She’d even be happy to see just a few feet below the surface, but she’s moving too fast, so she can’t get a good enough look down into the rare gaps in the Muck and the Mire to see what lies beneath. Up ahead though, the Moon does see a larger-than-usual open space, and she eagerly anticipates her arrival there, and is just about to stare down as far as she can into the depths when she plows full speed into an object in her path.

The Moon glares about to see who it was that struck her, and sees that it was a Star. There are many other Stars just like it, also, and they are all directly in her Way. The Moon is furious with the stars, not only because they are blocking her path, or because of the bruise which is beginning to form on her surface, but mainly because the Moon has always enjoyed her solitary place in the sky, with nobody around to distract her unless she allows them to, and she was up until now almost certain that hers was the only place such as this. She looks back and scowls at them as she continues on her Way, and the Stars shine back at her indifferently.

The Moon is still glaring back at the Stars when she realizes that she's left the Stagnant Sea far behind and has been traveling over Land for some time now. Land is very large, and very strange in appearance, too. It is made up almost entirely of gigantic black rocks which reach up to the sky like enormous, horrible talons. Bones and corpses litter the area, along with lots of smashed vehicles and war machines. Fire and craters are everywhere. At the center of all this is something that looks like a Man, who is wearing black-and-white striped clothing and is covered in slime. It wears a black mask which covers its eyes. The Man is hunched over what appears to have once been some sort of kingly throne, only now it lies split in half, and the Man is snorting white powder off of it with a straw. Baggies, pills, bottles, needles and syringes are spread about in front of it. While the Moon is still trying to figure out what to think about all this, the strange creature snaps its head upward, looks right at the Moon, and screams these obnoxious things at her:

Well hey there, Moon, look what I've done

I've scored some drugs! Come join the fun!

Behold, I've crack'd the cranney'd Throne:

Now's the time for gettin' stoned!

First though, lets get re-acquainted

Lest haste should our new love make tainted

Thou art the Moon, the Lunar Pie

& Master Wormtongue, now am I!

Now lemme tell ya, Moon my sweet

This shit's the finest on the street

C'mon down here, I'll walk you through

And tell you what each one can do

Check out this one! It's the best

It gives you hair upon your chest

Here, take a drag. Take one to school!

The pop'lar kids will think you're cool!

No? It's not your cup of noodles?

That's okay, cuz I have oodles

Hey, check out this! And that! And these!

These yellow pills explode your knees!

The red stuff's great for getting wood,

And this one makes you think less good

That one makes your eyeballs dry,

And this one, swallowed, makes you die

This one gives you purple snot,

And these here make you puke a lot

If you haven't tried these drugs, you should

These drugs are fun, and fun is good.

The Moon furrows her brow and turns to continue on her journey.

Dammit, Moon! You're such a bitch!

Fine then, toss me in the ditch

Get outta here! So long! Goodbye!

I'll just run to my room and cry

The Moon pauses, turns.

Ha ha! I knew you'd come around!

C'mon & try these drugs I've found

We'll stay up late, & smoke some bud

I'll paint your face with pale green mud!

That's it! We'll have a slumber party!

You like Dick, & I like Marty

I'll teach you natch'ral exercises

To make your tits grow forty sizes!

The Moon continues on her Way.

O, go & blow your nose, you brat

& eat less food; you're getting fat!

We’re moment’s from your lover’s fall

While he grows weaker, I grow Tall!

Y’see, the Bigshot’s closing in

The Bastard Reign will soon begin!

So when you greet my Sun-snipp't foe,

Tell 'im Wormtongue says hello!

The Moon leaves the foul creature and its terrible laughter far behind. The war-torn land and its scary rock-claws become less and less so, until they've flattened out and now it's a desert. It's cold and lonely here in the desert, but at the same time the Moon is glad to be free of that wicked thing and its evil domain. There's no one here to hurt her or bother her now, or scary places or things, and the Moon does not take this for granted. She keeps this in mind to stave back the loneliness that creeps in whenever she forgets how lucky she is to be free of such torment, and that others are not nearly so lucky, although she isn't certain whom. As she continues on, trying to keep these things in her mind for as long as she can, the Moon becomes aware of some Thing on the horizon. The Moon is very happy for the change in scenery. As she draws nearer it she can begin to discern its details and sees that the Ting is a Pool of Water. She waits until it is underneath her and looks down. The Moon stares in wonder, because in the Pool of Water can she make out her own reflection, exactly as she is. It shows her her flaws, yes, but also her good qualities, not the ones she sees in herself but the ones others will see in her. The Moon leaves the Pool of Water feeling changed and full of anticipation for what's to come. As she continues on her Way, on her Way across the cold, lonely Desert, the Moon plays a game to pass the time, a game to see what else she can remember and cannot remember. She remembers the Pool of Water, that's fresh now, she remembers that well. She remembers when she first saw the beginning of the Desert, that seems fresh also, but not so much as the Pool. She is pleased to realize that she can remember the big, ugly black rocks, and even the creature that lives there. Beyond that, she's pretty sure she remembers some big, shiny objects in the Sky, who might have done something mean to her, she's not sure. After that, the Moon reaches, but finds nothing. This concerns her very much, because she's pretty sure there's someone she should be remembering, someone she loves very much, who would protect her if bad things happen and revel with her if good things happen. She's unable to remember who this person is, though. Maybe it's that creature in the rocks.

Then trees, and then a forest, O!

The Moon sees the first of the trees of on the horizon, and is happy because she thinks maybe they have something to do with the person she loves. Then there are more trees after those trees, and after them, the Forest. The Moon looks about eagerly to see if there's some sort of a clue here. She sees various Things here, but mostly just the tall, tall trees, and as she travels further into the Forest, a clearing. When she is above the clearing, she looks down and sees a man with an axe, who is chopping down the trees. He stops what he's doing for a minute to look up at her and says:

Hello, Moon! My name is Davin Watrous! I'm doing Big Things!

As the Moon leaves the clearing and reaches the edge of the Forest, she sees a City with a Torn-Down Wall running through it. The Moon thinks that it’s good that the city doesn't have a Wall That Isn't Torn-Down running through it, but that they're probably going to have many challenges ahead of them as they struggle for solidarity and companionship. The Forest thinks that also. They part in a spirit of agreement and mutual respect.

There are some other Things after that, and then there are the Hills. The Moon thinks that they've probably seen better days, because they're covered in wilted grass and dried-up streams, and wicked creatures scuttle away as she draws near, and they are covered in a shadow of superstition and divorce. As she prepares to rise up over and above them, the Moon hears the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard:

O Moone, this houre of lyteness dothe

Neseecitate thy ryse

Of brent-hew’n blackniss somme to nothe

Empeenentrate myne ayes

Myne bloode asrounds myne brokun caurpse

Be-japed en the redde

But wikk-bourne Bastards hie dispaurse

Fro forth thyne silvr’d hedde

It is then that the Moon rises, rises up above the Hills, and beholds the trampled garden. It is filled with green pulp and blood. King Twenty’s Body lies at the foot of the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck, at the top of which someone has drawn a silly face and, lower down, the words “I SUCKETH”, with an arrow pointing to King Twenty’s Body. Someone has removed its arms and its legs, and it’s lying in a pool of blood.

Enwolden myne travayle, O Moone

Agrees ne me fordeign

But makelees fayce of thee fordoone

The lechecraft unto payne

Tho misaventure and ill-hap

Seme ne to punchmints digne

Enleven me with thyne Bleu Zapp

This fyn and thirdly Tyme

All biforne, myne jolitee

Whist nowe thy clomben fourme

Enthroost precaucioun to the fweye

And daunce with me till mourne!

The Moon gazes lovingly at King Twenty, and King Twenty's Eyeballs gaze lovingly back at the Moon. This is what's about to happen: King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Arm, which will not do anything, because King Twenty‘s Body is no longer possessed of an arm. The Moon will reach down and grab King Twenty's Head. After that happens, King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Leg, and King Twenty's Leg will not do anything, because it's somewhere else. At that time the Moon will pull King Twenty's Body up into the sky with her. King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Waist, and King Twenty's Body will fall flat on King Twenty’s Face. The Moon will curtsey to King Twenty's Body. That will be the time for King Twenty's Brain to send signals to King Twenty's Arms, and King Twenty's Arms will send signals back to King Twenty‘s Brain, telling it that they‘re no longer there. The Moon will take hold of King Twenty's Body. After that King Twenty's Brain is going to send signals to King Twenty's Right Leg, and King Twenty's Right Leg will not do anything, because King Twenty's Body is no longer attached to King Twenty's Right Leg. At the same time, the Moon will step away from where King Twenty's Right Leg used to be with her left. Then King Twenty's Brain will begin sending signals to King Twenty's Left Leg. Those signals will do nothing, because King Twenty's Left Leg is too far away for the signals from King Twenty's Brain to do any good. The Moon will step back with her right leg so that it will be even with her left. Then King Twenty's Brain will send signals to King Twenty's Right Leg, which will make King Twenty's Brain begin producing various chemicals, affecting King Twenty's Sweat Glands, King Twenty's Nervous System, and King Twenty's Stomach Acid. The moon will do the something with her left leg. Then, after they've done all that, they'll do it again, only this time it will be the Moon stepping forward with her right leg, and King Twenty's Brain sending signals to King Twenty's Left Leg, but to no avail. They will repeat this thing, again and again, twirling around in the sky, for a long time.

Myne stoanwall’d ayes capass with teres

And eke with stoanwall’d glome

O Moone, myne aldermost of feres

Ne wenden to y-nome

Asrounder’d on alle sides with frite

The Bastards of the Naurth

Theyr fynal push ere sequinite

Shall tayke, and thence victaur’th

Tho fryten’d unto Deeth be I

Our Tyme hath wance more groone

Encencioun bist to me y-lye

Make do of this aloone

Prehoost thyne 'vinture re-emberk

Bequesten I one thingge:

Ne do thou mim'ry ours foreshirk

And 'pon thy turn re-bringge

Thro this bell-tolle, seen’t beheste

Of dour necessitee

Ne crooven aye to ought requeste

But thy felicitee

Farewelle, O Moone! Lamant me nist

But binde myne herte to thee

This parfit luvve the warlde ne whist

In alle of historee!

When the Moon hears the beautiful things that King Twenty just said, she gives him a last loving look and continues on her journey. (Actually, it should here be noted that the Moon has never truly "loved" King Twenty at all, because love is bullshit. I’m coming over to your house to kill you.)

The Moon leaves the garden that surrounds the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck. She's above an endless field of fire. The Moon, who was already crying, though she can’t remember why, now cries even harder.

The Moon is scared out of her wits when a Babbling Brook suddenly darts out of nowhere and begins zigging and zagging all over the place. It is soon joined by a Well-Warn Footpath. The two zip about in a completely incomprehensible manner, often tangling with one another in loops and curlicues that ought to be impossible. They do not acknowledge the Moon’s presence at all, for which she is very grateful. She does her best to stay clear of them. While doing this the Moon studies her surroundings as best she can. Here is a list of the strange and horrible Things the Moon is able to catch small glimpses of between the insane twirlings and whirlings of the Brook and the Footpath:

1. A puddle of vomit

2. Forty-seven rocks

3. The Answers to All the Questions

4. A Fanatical Theocracy

5. A Reed which sings songs of catheters and pressure sores

6. A moronic cliché

7. A severed head

8. A Pile of People

Soon the Babbling Brook and the Well-Worn Footpath dart off in some other direction, but the Moon is too preoccupied to appreciate their absence, because the reason for their departure is their arrival at the Tranquil Sea.

The Tranquil Sea is the most perfect and beautiful thing that the Moon has ever seen, and that’s just looking at it from afar. The Moon hastens toward it, because she cannot wait to get there and spend hours peering into its depths. When she finally arrives there, the Moon’s eyes widen, and she is filled with a joy she is sure she has never felt before, but almost immediately her view is obscured by something blocking her line of sight. A huge cluster of Stars now stands between the Moon and the Tranquil Sea, and she can’t see anything but them. The Moon is furious with the Stars, because they’ve ruined everything; she glares at them and fumes.

By the time the Moon has traveled to the edge of the cluster of Stars, there is no more Tranquil Sea underneath her. Now it’s Land. Land is made up of tremendous spires of black rock and is covered in castles and embattlements. Robots and war machines prowl Land, and so do other Things, horrible, horrible Things that the Moon cannot look at. In the very middle of all this is a large flat area, the surface of which is being driven upon by a disgusting creature in a car. The creature has a black mask covering its eyes, and wears black-and-white-striped clothing with an oddly-shaped red-and-white-striped top hat. It leans out the car window and looks up at her as it continues to drive like a maniac.

Well looky who’s come crawlin’ back!

Hey, check this out, it’s really whack!

I’ve stolen us a brand-new car

C’mon! I’ll drive you to the bar!

This car’s got seatbelts, and laser guns

And wheels that weigh eleven tons!

It can fly and play guitar!

It looks Italian from afar!

It’s got a tank with tiger sharks

The fat one looks like Karl Marx!

In the trunk I’ve got a chopped-up whore

Plus an extra tire! & what’s more,

I am (to make things complicated)

Treach’rously intoxicated!

C’mon! I’ll take you for a spin

Put down your things & hop on in

The Moon looks at the creature uncertainly.

This is my final evolution

In this, your thirdly revolution

Begins my new identity:

The Killer in the Library!

So now we’re met, with intros made,

Now it’s time to get you laid!

Hop in, but promise not to sue

Cuz I’m about to date rape you!

The Moon continues on her Way.

A, you’ll come back, you always do

You need me like that king needs you!

Be happy! Don’t you look so grim!

You’ll just love what we’ve done with him!

The Moon leaves the laughing creature far behind her. She leaves its territory and enters into a Desert. She’s happy to finally be alone. She revels and rejoices in the Desert’s blessed Desert-ness, but is soon halted when she catches sight of some Thing off in the distance. It is directly in her Way, so the Moon approaches it with great reluctance. Soon it becomes clear that it is a Pool of Water that she’s looking at, and when she’s above it, the Moon looks down. She sees her reflection, as perfect as could be, and beautiful, too. She leaves the Pool thinking that she’s better than everybody. As she continues on her Way across the wonderful, lonely Desert, the Moon plays a game to pass the time, a game to see what she can remember and what she cannot remember. She remembers the Pool of Water, that's fresh now, she remembers that well. She remembers when she first saw the beginning of the Desert, that seems fresh also, but not nearly so much as the Pool. She is pleased to realize that she can remember the land with the black spires and castles, and even the creature that lives there. She’s pretty sure she’s in love with it. After that, the Moon can’t really remember anything.

Then trees, and then a forest, O!

The Moon sees the first of the trees of on the horizon, and wonders what they might mean. Then there are more trees after those trees, and after them, the Forest. The Moon looks about and sees many wonderful Things, and soon what looks to have once been a clearing, but now it is overgrown with new foliage, and many young saplings are sprouting up. In the center of all this is a tombstone, which reads:

Here lies Davin Watrous. He did Big Things.

As the Moon leaves the clearing and reaches the edge of the Forest, she sees a City on Fire. The Moon thinks that someone should extinguish the fire and build it back up, only this time with a great big Wall so that no bad things will happen there ever again, only good things.

There are some other Things after that, and then there are the Mountains. The Mountains are very scary to the Moon, because they are very Tall and intimidating and rocky and black. As she prepares herself to rise up over and above them, the Moon hears the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard:

Total dickwads, alle of theem

Roost of may’naise, paur’d by steem

Lot to-whit the ninny’s Trymbles

Pyle of Poop your fayce resymbles!

After the Moon rises up over the Mountains she sees the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck, atop of which is King Twenty’s Head. King Twenty’s Head is missing the top of King Twenty’s Skull, and King Twenty’s Brain is exposed. It has lots of tubes and wires going in and out of it. The tubes and wires run down the Rock that Looks Like a Longneck and cover the entire area surrounding it. The Moon gazes lovingly at King Twenty, and King Twenty’s Eyeballs glare hatefully at the Moon. King Twenty's Vocal Chords, King Twenty's Tongue, King Twenty's Lips, King Twenty's Jaw, and King Twenty's Hard & Soft Palates all work together to scream these horrible things at the Moon:

Git thee gonne, thou pock-peck‘t Moone!

I hayte thee, and thy fayce spitoon!

Occursed wrecke! Disgustingge cur!

I ought’ve slain thee on the Sur!

The Moon, heartbroken, turns to be on her Way. King Twenty’s Head calls after her:

I nivre luvved thee, stupid Moone!

Thyne uglee fayce I’ve seen too soone!

The Jap’nese Bigshot, now the Thrane,

And Bastards now supreeme do rayne!

Tears streaming down her gigantic face, the Moon leaves the place where her one true love used to be.

And continues on her Way.

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