Hello again everyone. I’m sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve written. Life gets in the way. I’ve started this new story that I would like your feedback on. My other one is still in the works but I’m stuck so I started this one. Please let me know what you think. Kelly

Chapter 1

The guilt was like lead weights pressing heavily on her shoulders. The hot El Paso sun did nothing to alleviate her discomfort as another bead of sweat trickled down her back. She took slow shallow breaths to keep her emotions in check all the while wishing she was anywhere but here. The rifles’ sharp reports were followed by the soulful sound of Taps from the single bugler standing some distance away. Once the last note died in the warm afternoon breeze the only sound was the soft crying of several women in the crowd.

Sam watched the young mother take the perfectly folded flag in her arms and nod her head at the quiet words spoken by the soldier. The woman dabbed her eyes with Kleenex then wrapped her arms around the young boy at her side. He couldn’t have been more than ten. Sam racked her brain to remember the child’s name but came up empty. It made her sick because Tim had spoken of his son often.

Her mind was brought back to the present when she realized several people were now moving about. They started forming the line to offer their condolences to the widow and Tim’s family. She had decided that she would not do the same since the woman didn’t know who she was and would therefore assume Sam was a friend of Tim’s. That would only precipitate questions Sam was unable and unwilling to answer. She hadn’t reconciled things in her own mind yet so voicing them was out of the question. The guilt came back in force making her bow her head. No, facing the woman now would only make matters worse.

Several officers stood apart from everyone else speaking quietly amongst themselves. Her eyes caught the glance of a Captain in a perfectly cut dress blue uniform with rows of ribbons on his chest. Even from this distance she noted the Ranger tab on his shoulder denoting combat. His face was shaded by his headgear which covered closely cut brown hair. But even from this distance she could tell his features were sharp and angular, a truly handsome man. His uniform hugged his shoulders and hips showing a muscular tone that couldn’t be hidden.

Sam’s gaze rose back to his face to find him still staring at her in a curious way, their eyes locking. She didn’t know what it was that compelled her to hold this man’s gaze, but she couldn’t pull her eyes away and a slight tingling hummed through her body.

She had no idea how long they stood there staring at one another. It wasn’t until she felt a hand on her shoulder that she broke eye contact with the man and turned to stare at her friend and teammate. “Dana,” she said quietly, slowly scanning the area. She was startled to notice that most everyone had left except for the military contingent and Tim’s widow and son.

“Sam, you ok?” Dana asked.

“Yeah.” Her voice was stronger than the emotions churning in her stomach. Stuck between the guilt and grief weighing on her and now the strange feeling she had gotten from the man standing on the other side of the grave, she didn’t know exactly what her mood was. She seemed torn between crying, shooting someone, and throwing up.

Deciding that none of those options were viable to her at the moment, she focused her attention back to the group of soldiers where her mystery man was standing. “Do you know any of those guys?” she asked.

“I think I recognize a couple of them. Not by name, but I’ve seen them around. Why?”

Before Sam could answer they were joined by several other military personnel. “Sam, Dana,” the senior officer addressed them.

“Colonel Harris,” Dana responded turning quickly to face him. She stopped herself short coming to attention. Although the assignment she and Sam both had right now prevented them from showing him the proper military protocol, it didn’t mean she wouldn’t go as far as she could to show her commander the regard to which she believed he deserved.

“How are you ladies holding up?” he asked quietly.

“Fine, Sir,” Sam answered for the both of them.

“Well, we’ll be heading out now. See you both at the briefing,” The Colonel turned around as both women mumbled a quiet ‘Yes, Sir.’ Sam watched one of the two men with the commander pause and stare at her a moment, sympathy shading his green eyes. She smiled and nodded her head at him in recognition. Mike was a fellow teammate and knew what she was going through. The team would get together tonight where they would toast their fallen comrade and be more relaxed than in this formal setting.

The quiet moment was shattered by a raised hysterical voice, bringing everyone’s attention to the crying widow standing beside her husband’s grave. A single man in uniform stood in front of her with his head bowed. “Why can’t you tell me the truth,” she shrieked into his face.

Sam watched the Colonel move over to the pair and gently insert himself into her line of vision. She couldn’t hear what he said but it didn’t help. “I’m tired of the lies,” she yelled at him, pulling her son closer to her side. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her face was red from both anger and grief.

Sam couldn’t take it any longer and moved to intervene in the developing scene. She ignored the group of Rangers that had also moved closer to the trio while she tried to form a way to calm the woman down without revealing too much information. “Ma’am,” she addressed the widow quietly.

“What,” the woman demanded, turning to face Sam. The young widow didn’t recognize Sam but did notice she wasn’t wearing a uniform and her anger faded somewhat. “I’m sorry. I thought you were another military type.” She turned back around to face the soldier in front of her. “But nobody wants to tell me exactly what happened to my husband.”

“Forgive me Ma’am, but yelling at the Captain isn’t going to get you any closer to that information,” Sam said bluntly.

“Well unless you know someone who was there….”

“I was,” Sam said interrupting her.

Dead silence greeted Sam’s admission. Several startled eyes turned toward her but she only watched the surprise on the woman standing in front of her.

“Cavanaugh,” Col. Harris called quietly behind Sam.

“It’s alright, Sir,” she answered without removing her gaze. She didn’t need to be reminded of the classified nature of how Tim died. But if they didn’t want an irate wife going to the press she would have to be told something. Obviously, the cover story that the Army had told her wasn’t working. “Will you walk with me?”

The woman started to walk with Sam followed by the young boy. “Perhaps you have someone who could watch him a few minutes?” Sam asked motioning towards the young face looking up at her.

“We’d be happy to watch him for you Ma’am,” the tall man Sam had noticed earlier said stepping forward. “It’s been a while since we’ve seen Brad.” He smiled down at the youngster and Sam was memorized at the boyish features that suddenly transformed his face. His deep blue eyes danced with merriment trying to get the boy to smile.

“Thank you,” the widow said quietly. She leaned down, “Go with Jeff, Honey. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

The women watched the little boy go with the tall soldier before turning and walking some distance from the burial site. Sam waited several minutes before addressing her, hoping to give her time to compose herself. “Mrs. Hernandez, please let me start by saying how sorry I am for your loss. I know that doesn’t make it any easier, for you or for me.”

“No it doesn’t,” she said smartly.

“Well, let me tell you that Tim was very respected by his fellow soldiers. They gave him the best compliment any man could have in the military.”

“What was that?” They had stopped walking now and stood under a large tree for the shade.

“That Tim was the man to watch their backs in combat. He was the man they wanted. No one else.” She realized that that really didn’t sound right. Talking to family was never Sam’s strong suite. But she had to give it a try. “He was well respected by his fellow soldiers.”

“They wouldn’t let me see him,” Mrs. Hernandez sniffed again dabbing her tear filled eyes. “Why?”

Sam took a moment to gather her thoughts and form the words that would comfort the grieving widow. Images of the attack and Tim’s last moments floated through her mind. She pushed them back with difficulty before turning back to her companion. “Remember him the way he was. The way he loved you and Brad.”

“Tell me about what happened?”

“What did the Army tell you?” Sam had to build on that story no matter what it cost her. That was the one thing about this mission that bothered the most. The lies would probably end up costing her her soul.

“A vehicle accident. The jeep flipped over.” She stopped there appearing to have problems regurgitating the story. “There wasn’t much else. Just that nothing could be done.”

“That’s true. Tim died immediately. Look, I know you don’t want to hear this, but what they told you is true.” Although very short of some crucial details. “It was a horrible tragic accident.”

“So he didn’t say anything before he died?”

“No,” Sam responded quietly knowing that Tim’s last words weren’t for his wife’s ears.

“He was always being deployed to training. He was never home,” Mrs. Hernandez cried.

“He taught a lot of those training missions as well,” Sam told her remembering the copious amounts of information she had learned from him. “He was a good man. Remember that and teach it to his son.” Sam stood up effectively ending the conversation. She couldn’t give the widow any more information and she had noticed the Colonel starting to become more and more agitated.

“Thank you,” Mrs. Hernandez said sincerely grabbing Sam’s hand. “Please apologize for my behavior earlier.”

“There’s no need, Ma’am. Know that if you need anything, the unit will help you. Don’t hesitate to ask.”

“I won’t.”

Sam nodded and moved away to rejoin the small military contingent still standing next to the grave. She wanted to give the woman a few moments to gather herself. The Colonel met her halfway with a scowl on his face. “Cavanaugh,” he fairly hissed.

“Sir.”

“What exactly were you thinking?”

Sam noticed his jaw jumping which was a sure sign the man was really pissed. “Sir, we didn’t need an angry wife going to the press demanding answers. I assure you I told her nothing more than what the Army already had,” she said to try and calm her commanding officer. “Sir, she just needed some reassurances. That’s all. She shouldn’t cause any more problems.”

“I want you in my office the minute you set foot back on base. Is that clear?” he asked still clearly furious.

“Yes, Sir!”

The Colonel turned and stomped away heading directly for his car followed by his entourage.

Sam released the breath she hadn’t even known she had been holding and bowed her head. She noticed her hands trembling slightly and fisted them to stop it. It wouldn’t do for her to lose control yet.

“Whatever you said seemed to work,” a low voice said behind her. Sam turned quickly and came face to face with her mystery man from earlier. Their eyes locked again and she was memorized by the deep pools of blue that held her gaze.

“It wasn’t much,” she said coolly.

Jeff couldn’t help but notice the strength in her pale blue eyes. And a deep sadness. She must have known Tim well although his friend had never mentioned her before. He watched as the sadness was hidden behind a hard stare and her face turned to stone. He wondered briefly what she would look like with a smile gracing her features. Her short blond hair framed her face perfectly and the black suit she wore accentuated her womanly contours. Her arms and legs were well toned showing the efforts she must take to stay in shape. She was an extremely beautiful woman despite the anger he saw in her eyes. “Did you know Tim well?” he asked gently.

“Not as well as I would have liked,” she mumbled more to herself than to answer his question. She took her eyes away from the man standing in front of her to stare at the flowered covered coffin. Tim’s widow and son had left which only left her and the small contingent of Rangers waiting on the Captain.

“Captain Jeff Carlton,” Jeff said extending his hand and trying to draw her eyes away from the casket. He had seen the far away look in her eyes before she had turned away.

Sam took his hand in a strong grip for a woman. “Samantha Cavanaugh,” she introduced herself taking a quick breath to try and hide the flutter of her heart at his touch. “If you’ll excuse me, Captain,” she said withdrawing her hand. “I need to get back.”

Jeff watched the beautiful woman walk briskly away never looking back at him. His hand still felt warm and he could still almost feel her skin rubbing against his. The gentle sway of her hips mesmerized him and he continued to stare until she disappeared into the parking lot. A laugh brought his head around and he was confronted by his laughing buddies. “What?” he asked sharply.

“Only you would find a woman at a funeral,” a young Lieutenant said slapping Jeff on the back. “Did you get her name?” he asked laughing.

“You’re such an ass Joe,” Jeff said sharply already turning towards his vehicle. “Let’s go. We have an early morning.”

The group started moving away but Jeff couldn’t help taking one more look at the far parking lot in the hopes of getting a final glance at Sam. The chances of him ever seeing her again were probably slim and it was for the best. He had steered clear of relationships because of the nature of his job. And even though he had only been with her for a short period, the idea of hurting her turned his stomach like nothing had in years. But that didn’t stop a pair of pale blue eyes from swimming before his gaze as he walked away.

Sam raised her hand to knock on the door and waited for the mumbled “come.” Upon entering the room she walked to the front of the desk where she came to attention before her commanding officer.

“Reporting as ordered, Sir,” she said keeping her voice neutral.

“At ease, Major,” Colonel Harris instructed her. He waited until she had relaxed somewhat before addressing her. “That was an extremely stupid thing you did today,” he started harshly. “The Army has casualty officers to deal with family members in those situations.”

“With all due respect, Sir, they weren’t doing a very good job,” Sam interjected.

“And if you hadn’t been able to calm her down?” Harris had come around his desk and stood beside her.

“I did,” she said simply.

“Damn it, Sam!” He walked back around his desk and ran his hand through his graying hair. “You think I don’t know what going on inside your head? I’ve been there. I know. It wasn’t your fault,” he yelled at her.

He waited for her to make a comment but the only movement he saw was the muscle jumping along her jaw as she held back her anger. Then it suddenly hit him. “This was your first,” he stated already knowing it was the truth. “Sam, listen to me,” he said gently. “Losing someone is always hard. You’ll remember every one.” He was pleased when her eyes flashed angrily at him. “Yes, every one. Tim won’t be your last. It’s the price we all pay for the job we do. But you have to reconcile yourself to the fact you saved hundreds more. The mission was a success.”

“The life of many outweighs the one,” she said sarcastically, the words leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. “I’m having trouble with that one Sir.”

“As well you should. The day it doesn’t is the day you need to worry about. Look, I’m not saying it’ll get easier. It won’t. But don’t let it eat at you. Turn it around and force it to make you a better officer.” He watched as his words sank in and only hoped they would make a difference. She was the best officer he had and he didn’t want to lose her over this. Their pilot program was riding on her shoulders and if they lost her they lost the program. She knew that, so it wouldn’t do any good for him to remind her. “You have a long weekend coming up. Take it. Deal with this. I need you in top form next week.”

His last statement caught her attention. “What’s up?”

“We’re getting a new team.”

“Sir?”

“The Joint Chiefs want to expand on the program. Their also thinking of letting more people in on it.”

“Great,” Sam said acerbically. She was having enough problems with a couple of the men already involved with the program. Letting the rest of Special Forces know there were women working in their extraordinary system would bring all sorts of grief. Well, she had dealt with worse. “When is that suppose to happen?”

“Don’t know yet. They’re still kicking the idea around. Now, go. I don’t want to see you on this base until Tuesday morning.”

“Yes Sir,” she said coming to attention again before turning away.

“Sam?” he called.

“Sir?”

“If you need anything over the weekend….I mean anything, please don’t hesitate to call.” Through out the years of his service he had been lectured on not letting anyone under his command get too close. But there was a special place in his heart for the young woman standing in front of him. He would’ve loved to treat her like a daughter but that would change their relationship too much. He had to remember she was officer under his command.

Her team had done some pretty remarkable things in the six months since the program had been started. She had proven beyond any doubt the success of women in Special Forces. And he would try and help her no matter what the consequences.

“Thank you, Sir,” she said softly before exiting the room and shutting the door behind her. She took a deep breath and released it slowly trying to get her emotions under control.

“Was it that bad?” a voice behind her asked.

Sam turned to see Dana standing in front of her. “No, about what I expected.”

“You still want to go to dinner?”

“Absolutely. Jacks?” Sam needed to get out. Otherwise she would sit on her couch and relive every horrible moment of the mission.

“Sounds good. About six?” Dana understood Sam’s need to go about their normal routine. But she wanted to be near just in case her friend needed something. She knew Sam was burying her emotions about the incident and it would only be a matter of time before it blew. It would be better if she blew up to someone who understood what was happening.

Sam glanced at her watch before answering. “Yeah, that gives me time to get home and take care of a couple of things before hand.”

“Sam!” She turned around at the shout of her name and frowned slightly as her second in command jogged up to the pair. “Can we talk a minute?” Dan Taylor asked knowing she wouldn’t say no.

“I’ve got to go anyway,” Dana said already moving away. “See ya Sam. Dan, have a good weekend.”

“Thanks Dana. You too,” Dan called out raising a hand in her direction although Sam noticed he never removed his gaze from her.

“What can I do for you, Dan?” she asked coolly. She had known this conversation was coming but had hoped to avoid it until after their briefing next week. Actually, she had hoped to avoid it all together. The Colonel had warned her that Dan liked to rehash things over and over again while she like to bury things so far down they would never see the light of day. It made for an interesting working relationship between the pair. One in which they hadn’t quite got right yet.

“I though we should go over the mission. Things have been so hectic with Tim’s funeral and the debriefing with the brass. You and I really haven’t had a chance to discuss things.”

Sam took a deep breath and looked down at the ground focusing on an ant crawling in between them. “With repeating everything to the brass as you call them I don’t see the need in discussing it further.” Her voice was cool but not as cold as she would have liked. Try as she might she was having trouble integrating Dan into the Command. The problem was not entirely hers though. “Besides, this isn’t the place.”

The subtle reminder of their surroundings had Dan glancing around to see if anyone was within hearing range. “I disagree,” he said quickly.

“You seem to be doing that a lot lately,” she snapped. He just had to push, she thought angrily. Well this was not the day to do it.

“I need to explain…” he began before she raised a hand to stop him.

“Follow me, Captain,” she said turning on her heel and storming into an empty classroom across the hall.

Once the door was closed, Sam turned on the man in front of her with a look that most people would have shrunk from. “You shouldn’t have to explain anything, Captain,” she started furiously. Her voice was deathly quiet. “There shouldn’t be anything TO explain.”

“I made a decision…” he started, his brown eyes flashing angrily.

“It wasn’t up to you!” she interrupted quickly. “We had a plan. If you disagreed you should have brought it up in the briefing.”

“Things change in the field!” he almost shouted at her.

“Yes!” she agreed. “When we’re under fire or about to be compromised. But that wasn’t the case, was it? You just thought your way was better.”

“My previous unit…”

“Is three streets down, second building on the left. You want to do things their way, go back to them. Otherwise, Captain, you are under my Command and I will not tolerate you going out on your own like that again. The only reason I didn’t write you up was because the mission succeeded.” It was everything Sam had to push those words out of her mouth. Tim’s face swam before her eyes again, the smell of his blood assaulting her nostrils. “If you ever do anything like that again, I swear, you’ll be busted to Second Lieutenant and driving for a commander in bum fuck Egypt for the rest of your career. Am I clear?” she asked harshly. The threat wasn’t empty. She could do it and she knew he understood that.

“Yes Ma’am,” Dan said sharply.

“Dismissed Captain,” she said stepping away from giving him the opportunity to leave the room first. She heard him make his way over to the door but never heard it open.

“You blame me,” his said so softly she wasn’t sure she had heard him. Those three words took all the steam from her anger and she turned to look at him. He hadn’t turned around, but still faced the door with his head down.

“No Dan.” Her words were calm as she turned back to face him. “I don’t blame you. It wasn’t your fault. You have to understand this is my command. Everything that happens is my responsibility. Something I would think you of all people would understand. But maybe that’s the problem? Maybe you haven’t adjusted from having your own command? Or is it just that I have tits?”

The words hung between them. She had never been so abrupt with anyone before. Much less someone junior to her. But enough was enough. He had wanted to have this conversation.

“You know Major, it’s a little of both,” he said honestly, finally raising his eyes to meet hers. “I was under the impression this was going to be my command and yes, I’m bothered by the fact you’re a woman.”

His direct response was a pleasant shock to Sam. Now they could finally face the underlying problems and perhaps move past them. “Well at least we know where we stand. What I need from you is to know you can handle it. I won’t tolerate anymore of your shit.”

Dan suddenly realized that if this was going to work he had to adjust his rationale. He was a better soldier than this. “I admit the problem’s mine. But I assure you, you can count on me to back your decisions in the future.”

“That’s all I ask, Captain,” she said relieved they had come to an understanding. “Now get out of here and have a good weekend.”

Dan nodded his head and turned without saying a word. Although the words had been harsh, on both sides, he felt better knowing things were in the open between them. She was a good leader and it wouldn’t do him any good to keep butting heads with her. Besides, he would never get another command by pissing her off. He would bide his time and let nature take its course. While he had no problem with women in the military, women in combat roles just wasn’t going to work. Eventually, the powers that be would figure that out and disband the unit. He just hoped no more good men would have to die before they realized it.