Pirates vs. Ninjas

An essay

By Pvt. David Erling Larson

Uhhh.Hmmm. Pirates are of a rare breed, a breed that is full of daring do and adventure. Their profession requires it of them. To live the life of an outlaw on the high seas, of which no future can be securely assured. A business that has the possibility of making one filthy stinking rich, or that of coming to a bloody, brutal, slow demise at the end of the gallows. That being said this paper or essay if you will? Will be a most glorious and splendid attempt to tell, no, nay I say again to prove that pirates are way cooler and better that the ninja slime that infests this globe of ours. Prepare to be dazzled and amazed.

As long as men have gone to sea, there have been pirates, and as long as man goes to sea pirates will continue to rove the wild briny waves in search of there next victim. The earliest piratical exploits ever recorded were of the “Sea Peoples” around 1200 to 1150 BC. The origin of the sea peoples is unknown but the writings of the Egyptian Pharaohs hint that they came from what is now Libya. Some modern scholars believe that they are of a Greek origin. While no one knows where they came from we do know that Pharaoh Merneptah defeated the sea people in a great sea battle, and then 20 years later Pharaoh Ramses III defeated them again, but only after the sacked and plundered Cyprus, Hatti, and many other nations. At this time the Ninja was not even around, in fact the ninja did not or the practice of Ninjutsu did not start until the Heian period 794 to 1185 AD. Nearly 2000 years after the first pirates.

At around the year 1000 AD a pirate crew under the command of Leif Erikson landed on what is now Newfoundland. If it were not for this pirate the western civilization might still be held captive be in the small confines of Europe. These pirates were of a hardy medieval stock, they were the terror from the sea, the monsters from the north they were the Vikings.

Imagine you are an English villager. It is a cold spring night and the mist covers the bay you are watching, out of the fog comes looming dragons head, and the cries of battle and war echoing behind it. Then all hell breaks loose as the ship rides up on to the beach with a muffled thud, and 50 to 60 of the biggest, toughest, meanest dudes you’ve ever seen. And they have but one terrifying thought on there minds: Plunder, pillage, and rape your tiny little berg. Those who survive will most likely spend the rest of their natural lives as slave, and those who escape will surely see these pirates who boldly attack out of the cold night from the open sea again.

Whilst on the Ninja side…..

It’s a warm and pleasant evening, you and your Samurai colleges are enjoying supper, when from out of no where a poisoned throwing star slams into you leader. Almost instantly your lethal katana is drawn, ready for any enemy to show him self, but alas no one comes. Your leader was the victim of an act of a ninja. It was an act of cowardice he ran and escaped in to the night.

How many songs, poems, and story’s do you see told of brave ninja going into the unknown to make their way, none. But you hear all sorts of example of pirates. One of my personal favorites is the old American sea ballad called The Coasts of High Barbary.

It tells the story of an American privateer lured it to a fight with British pirates. It goes some thing like this.

Look ahead, look a stern,
Look the weather in the lee,
Blow high! Blow low! And so sailed we.
I see a wreck to the windward
And a lofty ship to lee,
A sailing down all on
The coasts of High Barbary

O are you a pirate
Or a man-o-war? cried we.
Blow high! Blow low! And so sailed we.
O no! I'm not a pirate
But a man-o-war, cried he.
A sailing down all on
The coasts of High Barbary

We'll back up our topsails
And heave our vessel to;
Blow high! Blow low! And so sailed we.
For we have got some letters
To be carried home by you.
A sailing down all on
The coasts of High Barbary

For broadside, for broadside
They fought all on the main;
Blow high! Blow low! And so sailed we.
Until at last the frigate
Shot the pirate's mast away.
A sailing down all on
The coasts of High Barbary

For quarters! For quarters!
The saucy pirates cried,
Blow high! Blow low! And so sailed we.
The quarters that we showed them
Was to sink them in the tide.
A sailing down all on
The coasts of High Barbary

With cutlass and gun,
O we fought for hours three;
Blow high! Blow low! And so sailed we.
The ship it was their coffin
And their grave it was the sea.
A sailing down all on
The coasts of High Barbary

There are other wonderful songs of such that tell of the pirate getting away, but most pirate songs and poems end tragically. Like the Highwayman by Alfred Noyes though not strictly about a pirate is of the tragic love between the title character and the inn keepers daughter. The Highwayman is a landlubber’s pirate and still a great character that is far cooler than a ninja. Also the Scottish song Henry Martin, it is a song about a young man that has to “turn robber all on the salt sea”. Any way the long and short of the song is he become as pirate to support him and his family, and his ship captures and sinks a heavily loaded English merchantman. There are also some great contemporary songs of pirates, The Seven Deadly Sins and Queen Ann’s Revenge both by the Punk Rock Band Flogging Molly.

There are many more famous pirates then there are famous ninjas. This is dew to the fact that Pirates dealt their treachery and death out in the open for all to sea. Which in my book my make the pirate a far more honorable person over the assassin that stalks the night. When people hear the names Captain Kidd, Blackbeard, Sir Francis Drake, and Bartholomew Roberts, the mind cooks up images of brave men boldly attacking a far superior force. The simple undeniable fact is that if ninjas were cool and better than pirates they would be more famous. Just like every one remembers the president but no one really remembers the guy who lost the election.

If ninjas and pirates ever clashed it upon the open sea the ninjas would be slaughtered. First the pirates would just tear up the ninja ship with intense cannon fire. Then the pirates up in the fighting tops would further thin the ranks with musketry, and grenades (cartoon bombs). Once this had been done the pirates would prepare to board the ninja ship by tossing grapnel hooks over their gunwales and pulling the two ships to gather. Then it would be hand-to-hand, here the ninjas would have a slight advantage. While the pirates are not formally trained in marshal arts, they are very skilled with tools and weapons at there disposal, (cutlass, pistol, dagger, dirk, and hatchet). But after the kick off, the pirates would now out number the ninjas and horde over them, thus defeating the ninjas.

On top of all this, cartoon pirates are better than cartoon ninjas, like Don Karnage from Disney’s Tailspin cartoon show and Captain Horatio McCallister from the Simpson’s TV show. Other Famous fictional pirates are Captain Pugwash, and my personal favorite The Dread Pirate Roberts from the movie The Princess Bride. The only fictional ninjas I can think of are turtles, and mummies.

And my last and final argument of this paper is that ninjas never held an entire city at ransom. Edward Teach (better known as Blackbeard) and his crew, held the city of Charlestown South Carolina, at ransom for a medicine chest for his crew in 1718. Shortly afterwards Blackbeard was killed by Lt. Maynard during the final battle of the Queen Ann’s Revenge, it took 20 slashes from a cutlass and 5 pistol shots to finally bring down the most famous pirate of them all.

So in all the many reasons I have laid be for you, it is obvious that Pirates are better than Ninjas. Pirate had more to deal with, than ninjas, the sea, the possibility of being caught and hung, but still the possibility of becoming very wealthy. But all in all pirates are way cooler than ninjas.