PAT, BRIAN, AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR GRAMMA NUT

A One Act Play brought to you by: Brianna, Quincy, Murphy and Kat, The Holy Father, Merrick

Characters

Pat: He is excessively oblivious. Considers all situations completely normal. Takes no responsibility and tends to be behind the times.

Brian: The only sane one. Extremely normal.

Gloppy: Basically an ugly brown sleeping bag that occasionally makes slurping sounds. No personality.

Lord Licorice: Very effeminate and French… but NOT gay. Has an affinity for black licorice. Occasionally goes into monologues.

Gramma Nut: Psychotic old woman who loves nuts. Owns a farm of killer nuts. Thinks she is Russian.

Princess Lolly: Bitch. Bitch who loves power and will do literally anything to get it.

Queen Frostine: The motherly one. Has special frosting powers. Very pissy about clothing. Talks like Wilk leading a vocal warm up… fantiful voice.

Chorus: 5 people who pretty make announcements and haul off dead bodies. One recites lines, 2 hum, 2 others do interpretive dance (maybe). Try to imitate Greek Choruses.

Summary: Survivor/Real world meets Candyland. A lot of death, love, backstabbing, and cavities. Instead of voting each other off, they kill each other.

Scene 1: Opens on the Chorus in center stage with a spot on them. They Rise and proceed with their lines.

Chorus:

In the land of Candyland,

King Kandy is no more,

And there is no hopeful sand,

On the sad sad shore.

On his death bed he said,

I have no relatives,

He slowly dropped his head,

And now no longer lives.

And so we quest,

To find the best,

Ruler in the land.

The Real World Race

Survior Place,

Ruler of Candyland.

(Chorus brings in couches. Add lib.)

ENTER Brian and Pat somewhat bamboozled. Carry bags or backpack.

Brian: Pat, this is a nice place how did you find it?

Pat: I signed us up.

Brian: You mean like a lease.

Pat: Sort of…

Brian: What do you mean “ Sort of”?

ENTER Gloppy

Gloppy: slurp slurp Hey guys slurp.

Brian jumps back. Pat isn’t phased.

Brian (in surprise): Holy Crap! What the hell is THAT?!

Pat: What? The Couch?

Brian: No, you idiot! The Jaba the Hut slugman thingy!

Pat: Do you have a problem with slug people? They’re not nearly as bad as sponge people?

Brian: What are you smoking? That thing is freaking weird!

Pat: Now you’re just making stuff up, man.

Gloppy: slurp Actually that’s a common misconception. I am a chocolate conconcotion. Milk, dark, and pure coacoa.

Brian: (pause) Why are you in our apartment?!

ENTER Lord Licorice

Lord Licorice: Bonjour mes enfants! And how are we all doing au jourd’hui?

Pat: Yeah, no hablo.

Brian: He’s French, Dumb ass.

Pat: Are you sure?

Brian: Yeah… and what the hell is he doing in the apartment?

Lord Licorice: Well Monsieur, I will soon be zee owner.

Brian: What? Like the landlord?

Lord Licorice: Maybe… (girlly laugh)

Pat: RIGHT… Brian you wanna go get the rest of our stuff?

Brian: Why me?

Pat: My cough ( fake cough)… the doctor said I probably shouldn’t be carrying anything larger than a paper clip.

Brian: (under breath) Lazy ass…

EXIT Brian. We hear shrieks and clobbering out side. Brian ENTERS being thrown to the floor. Peanuts rain down upon him.

Gloppy: slurp mmmmm NUTS!

ENTER Gramma Nut.

Gramma Nut: You insolent boy, with baggy pants and ugly face! When I grow up in Russia we don’t have insolence. We don’t afford it!

Brian: Pat that crazy hag just attacked me!

Gramma Nut: You not call me hag! You call me Gramma Nut… NO! Babushka!

Pat: Babooby what?

Gramma Nut: BABUSHKA! Ah my back. You hurted my speenal chord with your nasty talking. When I little girl in Russia we not have speenal chord or nasty talking, we don’t afford it!

Lord Licorice: Madame, sit down if you will. We do not wish to anger such a stunning flower.

Gramma Nut: Oh you stupid French man and with big nose. In old country we don’t have big nose. We don’t afford it.

Brian: What the hell is going on?

ENTER Princess Lolly (Disco lights ?)

Princess Lolly: Hello lowly serfs. If you do not already know my grace, presence, and beauty ( pauses in consideration ) well my entire being, for that matter, you surely must have heard of me. For I AM, Princess Lolly.

Pat: What a crappy name. Who the hell named you?

Princess Lolly: If you must know it was Mumsy and Papa. A beautiful name for beautiful person. Wouldn’t you agree? (She strokes Brian)

Brian: Right… Pat you want to take this one?

Pat: Don’t mind if I do.

Gramma Nut: When I was child we don’t have names. We can’t afford them!

Princess Lolly: Are you implying my name is worthless? You insolent hag you!

Pat: Don’t mind Babooby. She’s crazy!

Gramma Nut: BABUSHKA!

Pat: See.

ENTER Queen Frostine from opposite side of the stage.

Brian: What the hell! There is no door there!

Lord Licorice: Ma Cherie! (He kisses her hand) So long since our last rendezvous.

Queen Frostine: My lord. How lovely to be in your (pause) presence.

Princess Lolly: Mumsy I’m soooo glad you could make it. Ever since Papa’s death I’ve been ever so distraught! (With fake concern)

Queen Frostine: Yes (looking at Lord Licorice) Your…Father.

Lord Licorice looks away with obvious yearning. Queen Frostine approaches him, hand outstretched for a passionate embrace.

Queen Frostine: (Whispers) My love…

Queen Frostine trips over Gloppy.

Gloppy: slurp AHHHHH I was sleeping!

Queen Frostine: You grotesque chocolate slug! You’ve defiled my dress!

Gloppy: I’m not a slug slurp.

Queen Frostine: (in demonic voice) ENOUGH! You’re crime will cost you you’re life! ZAP!

Gloppy sizzles, twitches, and ceases to exist. ENTER Chorus.

Chorus:

Gloppy has met his end,

Yet six remain,

How much time will we spend

To find the one to reign.

These Keys we hold,

They are for one,

And if you’re bold,

You will not run.

The game we play

With no delay,

Will find a ruler great.

And if your brave,

Candyland you’ll save,

Ruling is your fate

Chorus EXITS dragging Gloppy behind them.

Brian: Wait! Did they just say this is a reality show?!

Weird stares from entire cast.

END OF SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO

Pat and Brian alone on stage.

Brian: Pat, I can’t believe you signed us up for a reality TV Show!

Pat: We needed a place to live! They were gonna evict us!

Brian: Yeah, well that was your fault!

Pat: How is it my fault that I didn’t pay the rent 4 months in a row?

Brian: GAHH! (Substitute with angry noise)

Pat: Jeez Brian! Take a little responsibility for your actions now and then!

Brian: You can’t even SPELL responsibility!

Pat: Even so—

ENTER Lord Licorice and Queen Frostine… Fondling each other… nothing dirty just excessive rubbing of each other. All interaction between these two characters is overly dramatic.

Lord Licorice: Mon Amour. Je t’aime.

Queen Frostine: As do I my Lord, as do I.

Brian: Ok this is getting exceptionally weird.

EXIT Brian. Pat proceeds to take a seat on the couch and reads a magazine, displaying a mild interest in the passion in front of him.

(Said with corny seriousness)

Lord Licorice: Ma petite Chou! How I long to caress you.

Queen Frostine: No! We musn’t!

Lord Licorice: Pourquoi my love?

Queen Frostine: The greif, its- its too near!

Lord Licorice: But you never loved him!

Queen Frostine: Even so (he pulls in her face to kiss her) No! It musn’t be. I must tell you

Lord Licorice: What mon gateau?

Queen Frostine: Lolly, She is yours.

Lord Licorice: It cannot be!

Queen Frostine: It is!

Lord Licorice: But how?!

Queen Frostine: (folding her hands, in a motherly way) Well when a mommy and a daddy fall in love--

Pat: (Jumping to his feet!) Woah…let’s not go there folks!

ENTER Princess Lolly.

Princess Lolly: Mumsy! How could you! I heard everything!

Queen Frostine: No, its not what you think!

Princess Lolly: My life is a lie!

EXIT Princess Lolly followed by Queen Frostine.

Lord Licorice: It eez amazing to deescover she eez mine. She looks nothing like me. Yet at the same time, she is so French.

Pat: Really, is she now?

Lord Licorice: Oui, but Frostine, she married that man. That King Kandy. He did not love her. I am the only one who loves her. I am hers and she is mine. The passion that binds us can not be broken! This discovery will only reveal our love for each other. And maybe we will live again, together, in harmony!

Pat: What a beautiful dream. You can stop talking to yourself now.

Lord Licorice: But what if she does not accept me. Or worse what if the Queen rejects the symbol of our love? My heart would shatter! I could not live! I must live! I must love! I am French!

Pat: That you are.

Lord Licorice: Excuse-moi Monsieur. I did not notice your presence!

Pat: Eh… I talk to myself too. Or at least I talk to Brian which is pretty much the same thing. He is so normal. (Shudders)

Lord Licorice: (unsure) Oui, eh, he does have a problem with ze normal-eetee.

Pat: So you and Frosty have a kind of a thing going on eh (nudge) eh (nudge).

Lord Licorice recoils in unease.

Pat: I knew it. She’s pretty hot with her uh, shapely (forming a body) uh, dress. And that wand, woman in power huh? Grills your cheese? Yeah, me too.

Lord Licorice: Euh… I do not understand, monsieur.

Pat: Sure… (underdstanding) You know grills your cheese, floats your boat, fries your eggs… gets you going… (Lord Licorice continues to look puzzled)

Lord Licorice: Going where.

Pat: (smacking his forehead) YOU’RE SPANISH!

Lord Licorice: French, Monsieur.

Pat: Same thing! Same geographical area!

Lord Licorice: Can you put letters to geographical?

Pat: How come no one thinks I can spell?

Blood Curdling scream from off stage. Chorus ENTERS carrying a dead Queen Frostine. She has been stabbed through the head with a giant green lollypop. Lord Licorice goes into hysterics.

Lord Licorice: (with Dramatic Anguish) MON AMOUR!

Pat: So you two DID have a thing going on. (tapping his temple) Thought I picked up something.

Chorus:

Queen Frostine is now dead.

Jealousy, the color green,

A lollypop shoved through her head.

Same shade that can be seen.

One more down,

In this race,

Toward the crown,

A quickening pace.

If you can kill,

And show your will,

The last four will be gone.

But if you fail,

Or sit in a pail,

You’ll be out on the lawn.

EXIT Chorus and a deceased Queen Frostine. Lord Licorice rises from a crumpled position and EXITS sobbing. ENTER Brian

Brian: What’s up with him?

Pat: Frosty just died.

Brian: Oh that’s terrible.

Pat: Well not really, she did kill the chocolate slug. That’s what we call Karma.

Brian: Did she just drop dead?

Pat: Well no. I heard this scream while discussing Lord “ I’m not Spanish, I’m French—stupido.”s love life. And then those guys in bed sheets came in dragging Frosty. So I was kind of confused, and then I saw she had this giant lollypop sticking out of her ears, and then they started talking about some guy sitting in a pail. And I was super confused. And then they left and then you came in and it made a little more sense, but I’m still confused.

Brian: Wow! She had a lollypop through her head? I wonder who the perpetrator could be? (Sarcastically)

Pat: Yeah, I dunno but they better not think its me! I can’t do anymore time.

Brian: Wait, you did time? As in jail time? When? How come I wasn’t informed?!

Pat: Pish posh Brian, its all in the past.

Brian: (horror plastered clearly across his face)You went to prison? What for?!

Pat: Something about armed robbery, blah, blah, blah, premeditated murder. But really petty details, Brian, petty details.

Brian: YOU KILLED SOMEONE!

Pat: Look, I didn’t know the gun was loaded. I was merely an innocent bystander who happened to be holding an AK47 semiautomatic rifle. When you think about it, I wasn’t in the wrong.

Brian: YOU KILLED SOMEONE!

Pat: He didn’t really die from the gun shot. He just had severe blood loss, and how is that my fault that his blood can’t coagulate.

Brian: How did you get out of prison?

Pat: I dunno, I guess they let bygones be bygones and agreed to disagree.

Brian: That is the same thing!

ENTER Gramma Nut

Pat: Hey Babooby! What’s crack-a-lackin?

Gramma Nut lets out a shrill scream. ENTER Chorus wearing peanut sandwich boards. They attack Pat and he slowly dies.

Gramma Nut: Flea my pretties Flea!

Brian: Pat! Don’t leave me with these wackos!

Pat: (uttering his final words) I don’t want to start rambling… Goodbye Brian… Goodbye… I always knew it would come to a pack of mutant nuts… just not here, not now… Please Brian… do my laundry… feed my goldfish, Bubbles needs you now… Goodbye Brian … Goodbye… and I’ll save my last breath now…I don’t want to start rambling… Wait!I never meant to… (Dies)

Brian: Didn’t mean to what? What is it Pat? Nooooooooooooooooooo!

ENTER Chorus. Brian gives them a dirty look and they turn to exit.

Chorus 1: I told you we shouldn’t have come out.

All mumble and EXIT.

END SCENE 2

SCENE THREE

Princess Lolly, Gramma Nut (sleeping), Brian, and Lord Licorice relax on the couch

Lord Licorice: You killed her, you kill my love.

Princess Lolly: You slept with my mother… asshole (with propriety).

Lord Licorice: My heart… daughter… if you would only accept me.

Brian: (to himself) Pat never wanted to die…

Princess Lolly: I care not for you heart. You shame me.

Lord Licorice: (standing) If you care not for my heart then it is war you want… Oui, war, oui.

Princess Lolly: (Standing as well) Fine, war it is.

Brian: All he ever wanted was his own theme song…

Lord Licorice and Lolly circle the couch exchanging glares.

Lord Licorice: Be prepared to meet thy doom, Lolly.

Princess Lolly: It is you who shall meet their doom. And that doom will be Death! And death will be you, no longer living.

Lord Licorice: I accept your challenge but it shall be you who meets the doom of death.

Brian: And a chocolate factory filled with tiny oompaloompas…

Princess Lolly: Do you dare kill your own flesh and blood, or at least your own daughter?

Lord Licorice: If she is an intolerably cruel bitch, and mother killer, then oui. I shall avenge mon amour’s death.

Princess Lolly: You’ll do no such thing! And any avenging will be done by I, Princess Lolly.

Brian: His only dream was to own a swimming pool filled with jello and flamingos…

Lord Licorice: You are wrong, it is I who will be doing the avenging.

Princess Lolly: Never!

EXIT Princess Lolly Followed by Lord Licorice. Gramma Nut awakens.

Gramma Nut: What is all commotion! When I live in Mother Land not have commotion.

Brian: (Sourly) Can you not afford it?

Gramma Nut: No, boy of baggy pants, Is everywhere. I just not like so much. That is why raise nut farm. They silent, they understand Babushka. They no make loud noise, and they listen when Babushka say, “ You be killing this boy for me.” They good mutant nuts

Brian: They killed Pat. He was my best friend…

Gramma Nut: He make disturbance, and not call me by Babushka.

Brian: You crazy psycho! You should be put away! You killed a poor, semi innocent, convicted murderer, who’s only dream was to have a theme song and a pool filled with Green Jello and Flamingos.

Gramma Nut: You not talk back to me! You anger my ears and crack my speenal chord. (She does the Nut Call)

ENTER Chorus in Peanut Sandwich boards. The begin attacking Gramma Nut.

Gramma Nut: Ah! Back you devils! You attack boy! You attack boy! Be good to Babushka! NOOOOOOO! (The Nuts overrun, and kill her.)

Chorus lays down sandwich boards and goes to formation about ready to start reciting lines. Princess Lolly screams off stage. Chorus EXITS to retrieve Princess Lolly. They REENTER with her dead body and Lord Licorice following behind them, taking a seductive bite out of a piece of licorice.

Lord Licorice: You have met your doom, Lolly, and that doom is death.

Chorus:

Mutant Nuts are not so kind,

When they attack their maker.

They had Babushka’s death in mind,

Because they are not fakers.

As for Lolly,

What the heck?

Not so jolly,

Candy around her neck.

Two more here,

And we’re so near,

To find a ruling King.

Who will win?

Who will sin?

Who will learn to sing?

END SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR

Brian and Lord Licorice stand alone in the room.

Lord Licorice: So it is between us. My friend it is time to become enemies.

Brian: We were friends?

Lord Licorice: It is time to duel.

Brian: Why?

Lord Licorice: To find who will rule. (pause) Candyland.

Brian and Lord Licorice beginning to duel (music?). ENTER Pat eating fruit.

Pat: Oh, you guys are still doing this. Sorry.

Brian: Pat! I thought you were dead!

Pat: “Dead”… right sure. Brian, this is REALITY TV.

Brian: Oh, so you mean I can leave?

Pat: Uh Yeah! There’s refreshments in the back. The caviar is excellent.

Brian: Do you even know what caviar is?

Pat: No, the real question is: Do YOU know what caviar is?

Lord Licorice: Wait! Frostine, mon amour, she is still alive?

Pat: No, no. She actually died.

Lord Licorice: (Crestfallen) Oh, I shall miss her dearly. And Lolly? She too, is dead?

Pat: No, but you did quite the number on her. She thinks she is a cat right now.

ENTER Princess Lolly. She crawls on all fours over to Brian where she proceeds to rub against him and purr. Brian recoils.

Brian: Wait, so what were you trying to say when you were dying? You didn’t mean to what?

Pat: Oh, I bleached your favorite shirt.

Brian: What?! You bleached my favorite shirt?!

Pat: Ok, I didn’t know that bleach changes the color of things. I thought it was just really good cleaner. I was only just trying to do you a favor. I was only an innocent bystander.

Brian: Whatever, I am going home.

Pat: Good Luck with that!

Brian: (realizing he has nowhere to go) Oh Sh—

Pat: OOOOOOOOH you said a bad word!

Brian glares

Pat: But don’t worry I found this great desert Island (really cozy), and if we win all the challenges then we get a million dollars. Think about it Brian! What would you do with a million dollars?

EXIT Brian.

Pat: Can’t say I didn’t try… So, where will I go now. I don’t really have a place to live… unless of course I lived in Candyland. But that would require me to become ruler… but really, how would one be able to do that? What do you think Licky?

END SCENE

END SHOW