You Have Really Soft Skin, a General fanfic

Italics are lyrics from Pilate's Barely Listening.
The title, "You have really soft skin" is just something I have been told often. I thought it related. Don't like? Don't read.

I lie awake on this phone call, she's dreaming of better days
Flowers lie on the counter, remind her of better days

I don't feel like recalling the things my mother said in order to drive me from the house. Suffice it to say, she did. Ten o'clock at night and I finally escape.

She sends a prayer up to Jesus
And she asks him for his strength
And the night will go on bleeding
Was it faith that paid the rent?

I walk down the deserted street, and thoughts are running haphazardly through my mind. I don't want to go back, I don't want to stay, I don't want to be outside, I don't want to walk but I don't want to stop... I don't want to live, and I don't want to die, and I can't kill myself and I can't end up like Ms. Coffee.

Its dark and suffocating, the empty street is hollow and the sounds are muffled.

The sky isn't black, its a dark blue that is somehow soulless and empty and perfect for the sky on a night like this.

And I know you’re barely listening
I know you’re barely listening
I know you’re barely listening
Now I know you’re…
I know you’re barely listening
I know you’re barely listening
I know you’re barely listening
Now I know you’re…

This song runs through my head, because I feel so alone. I feel alone and nobody is even going to notice I'm gone.

I want to stay out for hours, I want to be gone until the wee hours in the morning.

I want to drink, I want to be drunk or high. I want to fuck, I want to forget. Nothing helps me to forget anymore, and it simply cannot be borne.

Standing here in the doorway with a candle and a gun
The lights you threw open windows
For now the day has won

Sitting on the swing set in a deserted playground, I search for words to describe my feelings. I want to throw up, the air nauseates me, I cannot breathe.

I am surrounded by oxygen, and yet, surely I am asphyxiating.

I remember things, like how I used to bring Xander here. I remember sunlight, laughter, I remember him wrapping his thin arms around me and laughing as we spun around on the swings.

Its different now.

I remember Rob, but I can't remember him well.

Is it sad that all I can remember is a vague impression of his face, unremarkable but good-looking, with brown hair... The only thing about him I remember with any clarity is a disco-dancing flower.

You don't know who Rob is, but I don't feel like telling you.

What is the point of saving a life, if fate is conspiring to destroy it?

I'm so very fragile, sometimes. Nobody sees it.

Like a child on her way here
You just smile and run the other way
And faith won’t find me a reason
It just smiles and runs the other way
AndIt just smiles…
It just smiles and runs the other way
It just smiles…
It just smiles and then runs the other way

"Francine doesn't want to die, if she did, she'd be dead, right Fran?" Kevin said.

I stopped breathing when he said that, because I had almost forgotten. Surprising, when you think about it. Its hard to forget about stuff like that.

Makes me wonder, though.

I had a plan, you know. I would take my mom's sleeping pills, two at a time, washing them down with rum or hairspray. Wait a few minutes in between, take a few more, wash it down... gravol, too, because if I don't feel nauseous and throw up, I'll absorb all the drugs into my system.

If I say I'm going to sleep, nobody will disturb me until the next morning, and that's too late.

Is it bad, that I haven't discarded my plan?

Don't worry, I won't kill myself. I thought about it, today. It scared me, to think how often my thoughts strayed to suicide in a mere hour. I swung on the swing set, thought of flying. I wondered if there was a building high enough that I could fly if I jumped off, even for a little while.

I don't think I'll go back to the park for a while.

You question love with a camera
And you’re catching love with a will
Well heart lies in loneliness
Now fight the past can kill

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