My Expecting

I sat in the waiting room of the day clinic with my mother. I was frozen and frightened with fear as I had been staring at the floor. I felt like the world had judged me because of my little mistake.

Everyone made mistakes, yes, I know my mistake was a huge mistake. All girls are faced with this at one point in their lives; it's just, when I took the jump I didn't use the safety cord.

Stupid I know. My mother and father had fights over whether or not I was stupid.

I'd lie in bed at night and I would listen to their fights. My father would say I was too young to be out. And my mother would defend me, telling my father it was his fault for not helping her to parent me.

I always told myself it was my fault, not theirs. I'm the one that jumped without a safety cord. I paid for it, and I'm taking responsibility for it.

My mother had stood and motioned for me to stand. We were called, but I didn't hear them because I was so deep in my thoughts. I stood and looked at my mother.

Her warm honey eyes looked at me. Without a word, she took me into her arms. Her arms were around my shoulders; they felt warm and welcoming. I remembered when she did this to me as a child. I missed being hugged like this, I felt like a small child again.

"I'll be here when you get back," she told me. I followed the waiting doctor I followed the waiting doctor, suddenly I felt frightened. I didn't want to go with the doctor anymore. I just wanted to go home to bed and never wake up.

I came out with a sick feeling in my stomach. My mother watched me as I walked out of the doctor’s office. I felt like I was going to die and I wished I had.

I sat back in the chair as my mother walked to the doctor. The doctor shook his head a few times, but he didn't have a clear readable emotion on his bony thin face. I wondered what he was saying and thinking.

After a few minutes my mother took my hand to help me up. She let go after and continued on her way out the door. I followed after her; she looked back at me, when she got to our car. I then followed her.

The car ride was silent as death, and seemed like it would never end. My mother looked like she was going to cry any given second. She held her tears back, just like she always had in the past.

I remembered the way this all started. That day I'll never forget, it is too unforgettable. To this day I remember

I sat in the bathroom tapping my foot impatiently. I was a wreak, just 15 minutes to wait. Then I would know whether it was true or just a bad dream.

My older brother Ryan thought I was out. Without warning he walked into the bathroom to do his laundry. He stared at me in surprise, and then slowly his eyes turned towards the counter and the box lying there. He read the letters on the box, his eyes narrowed he asked, "Kelly, are you sleeping around?"

There it was; my secret was out. All because of him, our parents had looked at me like I was a stranger living in their house. My brother Ryan was so disappointed in my mistake. And he could only shake his head in my presence. My little sister didn't really understand, she seemed to be the only one who was happy; she didn't understand the birds and the bee's problem.

The car finally came to a stop. It brought me back from my thoughts. I looked at the first story house. My home, the home I had known since I can first remember. I lived in this home since I was a small child. "Come on Kelly, your father will be home soon. Let's get dinner ready," my mother entered the house. I didn't utter a word as I got out of the car and slammed the door behind me. Then I entered my safe haven, my home.

A few months later my mother and father were at the each other's throats even more then they had been before. I'd lie in bed every night and hear them. Ryan was spending less and less time at home and my little sister Emma, still couldn't understand how bad this was.

I stopped going to school two months Ryan had discovered my secret. I stopped going right after I had found the word Slut painted in red letters across my locker I stayed home everyday after that and played with Emma. She just went on and on about how she couldn't wait to be an aunt. I can tell you right now, I didn't want to be an aunt at four.

I just wished that my expecting would lead a better life than I did so far at this point. As I stared out a window one day, I'd see such carefree children as well as adults. Why did I have to have this life? I wanted to be normal. I begged and longed for it. I almost wished I could curse the ones who were like me and hadn’t gotten pregnant.

Standing as still as time I glanced at the clock. It had been barely noon and I was dead tired. Many people I had read about in the papers were called miracles when fate stepped in and gave them what they needed. Things like a homeless person finding the winning lottery ticket

Well I had wanted my old boring life back. I wanted it so badly, though I knew that my new life was there for a reason. I had screwed up my life, so I was paying for it. No one else did, I knew that and accepted it. That still didn't mean I liked it.

A few months later I was at the hospital, my brother Ryan had taken me. He had finally started coming home more often? And I was thankful for that; Ryan has been supportive from the beginning. He said I was very mature to take on such a responsibility

The nurse said that too but I didn't believe that. I was just doing what was right. I was here, with my first check up. And I was wearing overalls and a baby purple shirt. I used to love tight clothes and now all I could stand were the baggy ones.

I used to love tight clothes and now all I could stand were the baggy ones.

I cast off my thoughts as I followed the waiting room nurse to get my first ultrasound of baby. Afterwards I knew so much more about my baby, A little boy. He was a boy.

My brother was happy for me, and was happy to know he was going to be an uncle. We both blushed when the nurse congratulated use. She had thought my brother was the father of my baby. We explained to her that Ryan was my brother and that the father didn't want anything to do with the baby or me.

Yes, it did hurt to know that my ex-boyfriend didn't want anything to do with our baby or me. It hurt, but I knew I couldn't do a thing about it. It was his choice, not mine. If it were my choice he'd at least be supportive of me.

Yet because he wasn't here, it's my brother's unofficial job of being my wall of support. And he was great. I most likely would have broken a long time ago without him.

Mom and dad were too busy fighting to even notice I was alive, let alone remember I was pregnant. I suddenly found myself taking over my mother’s job, I took care of Emma, and I cooked and cleaned. My mother would come home fed and lock herself in her room.

My father came home already fed too, and then locked himself in his office. As far as I knew he slept in there too. I sometimes believed it would have been better if I just left home. All this had started when I messed up.

Emma likes to sit in my lap and suck her thumb while I ate or watched TV. I think it made her feel safer; Ryan and I had probably done it as toddlers too.

Emma also liked going to the park so I'd take her after lunch three times a week, though it got harder to be active with her. I could hardly bend own, but it was my fault.

I watched as she played in the sandbox. Her shovel went in the sand; she'd pull it out and then poured the sand trapped in her shovel into her plastic bucket. She smiled sweetly at me, and I smiled in return.

"I'm going to be an aunt soon," she told me. "So I want to make a nice house for him," she flipped her bucket of sand over, as she pressed down on it hard. "But Emma, I have a room already, in our house," I replied to her.

"This can be his house for when he wants to play at the park," she smiled proudly. Nothing could bring Emma down. I smiled; she never seemed to be negative about anything.

After we went home, I sat her down and she started to watch some preschool cartoons, while I made supper. It was nothing special, a few fries and chicken nuggets in the oven.

She walked in after a few minutes and sat at the table and watched me. She yawned a few times before resting her head on the table. When dinner was ready, I had found her asleep. She really had worn herself out. I wrapped her plate and put it in the microwave. Then I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom.

She slept for about half an hour before she woke up and asked for her supper. I gladly brought it out for her, I already had eaten, and so I sat and kept her company. "The fries are yucky," she told me.

"They wouldn't have been if you hadn't fallen asleep at the table," I replied to her. "You sound like mommy," Emma told me with a giddy grin on her face. I froze as I realized just how much I did start to act like my mother since I stayed home.

Emma grinned at me more. "Kelly, you really do!" she smiled. "Why you acting like a grown-up?”

I answered her slowly, "Maybe now that I'm going to be a mommy soon, I have to become a grown-up."

"But you're so fun, you can't be a grown-up." Before I could reply to Emma my mother entered the house in one of her foul moods. She had thrown her bag aside and smashed her shoes against the door before she entered the kitchen.

She looked around and stared at me with angry eyes. I held my breath. “Kelly this kitchen is a mess. What have you been doing all day? Eating!” Her voice was deep and sounded like thunder in my ears. Kelly jumped down from her chair and held onto me while giving my mother widened and scared eyes.

I was a little shocked; the only thing messy in the kitchen was my plate in the sink. "I'll clean up as soon as Emma's done eating," I told her.

"You'll clean up now," she shouted as she turned and stomped her way up the stairs. "Kelly?" Emma continued to hug my leg. "Yes?" I asked.

”I take back what I said," Emma stopped and looked at me with tears running down her cheeks. "You're not like mommy."

"It's alright Emma," I said as I patted her head. Once again I had to go to a Mom's class. It was my second time going and I hated every little bit of it.

I hated how we had to breathe when I would be practicing giving birth to my child. It was hard and I didn't know how I was going to make it through the birth. I heard somewhere it was very painful and would be hard on someone as young as I was. It was crazy, I’m fourteen and I was already going to mom classes.

How young is your character anyway? This part makes a person wonder.

A few times as I walked down the street I'd see old friends and old classmates. I really hated the looks they gave me. I know they whispered and pointed at me. Some friends they were. I didn't know how it had happened. Why couldn't I have made better choices in friends?

If I had made better choices then maybe I would have one friend who would have supported me. I wished I could go back in time. I would change my mistakes; I'd make everything better.

If I were maybe just a little smarter back then, I wouldn't have screwed up so badly. I'd still be in school, have friends, and my baby would never exist inside of me. And I'd never have to worry about it again. I would have been free. I felt a little sick thinking like that, but I wasn’t thinking like most young mothers now was I? I wasn’t bonding with my child. I didn’t know if that was normal for a teenager mother.

I had been expecting for a little more than eight months. I'd only felt my baby kick about five times. I wondered why couples would flip over their baby kicking when they felt their kicks. It was no big deal.

I fell back on my bed and sighed heavily as I looked at the clock. It was 3:12 am and I was still wide-awake. It was hard for me to sleep at night now, hard to sleep when the sound of your parents fighting echoes in your ears. They fought day and night now. It was almost driving me insane.

I heard a little knock at my window. I looked over to see Ryan. I jumped up and quickly sprinted to the window. "Come on Kelly, we can't stay here anymore," Ryan whispered to me. "I got an apartment in the next big city. I'm sharing with a friend, we can go there."

"What about Emma?" I asked. Ryan looked back at his car where Emma was half asleep. She waved excitedly at us. I smiled and nodded. "Pack some clothes quickly," he said quietly.

I did as he commanded and packed my maternity cloths and a few pairs of jeans and shirts for after the baby would be born. It had to do for my last month remaining then my baby would be born. I also took my debit card and my cash. Ryan said he packed some as well. I had money saved from my summer job mowing lawns and cleaning the park.

And I wouldn't have to worry about what my parents would say or do to me again. Ryan would help us and in a year I could get a job. So I would help him take care of Emma and the baby.

We were free now. Our new home was almost 200 miles away from our hometown. Our parents did call the police. We were considered runaways, but they never did find us. The police did say it was a kidnapping, but when older siblings our ages take a younger sibling, it usually is because they feel it was saver. They still had to find us. We were breaking the law, not matter our reasoning.

Finally a slow month later I found myself screaming and panting in labor. I held the bed sheets, as Emma watched me horrified. She had thought something was eating me from the inside out. Ryan said he wasn’t going to keep her inside the whole time, but when I was ready he would take her out.

Ryan explained to her that the baby was just trying to come out. I glared at him for making it sound so pleasant. He quickly made an excuse to get some dinner and left and us. Emma patted my stomach a few times.

Finally a nurse came in and checked to see if I was ready. She shook her head and smiled before she left. Emma made a cute imitation of the nurse that I laughed at. She than climbed into the hospital bed, I had to help her but it was no big deal.

After she was on the bed, she climbed next to me and snuggled next to me. I smiled and put my arm around her. With her entertaining me I almost forgot about being in labor.

Half an hour later Ryan had come back with Chinese food. The nurse said I couldn't eat until after the baby was born. I didn't have a problem with it; I wasn't hungry.

Finally two hours after that, the nurse has said I was ready. Ryan took Emma to wait outside, but that didn't help. I wanted both to be there with me. My baby started to move itself around more, making me flinch even more. The doctor told me to breath the way they showed me in Mom classes. I did, but felt more pain.

I pushed and pushed with all my might. I could feel all my energy quickly leave my body, but I couldn't control it. I wanted my baby out of me fast. I couldn't take any more. "Come on, its half way out," the doctor said.

"Only half? What am I, giving birth to a cow?" I ask through gasps. It hurt beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I didn't know how I would ever survive. Minutes later I started to pant harder. Then I heard a cry, a baby's cry.

Tears fell down my cheeks as I eyed my creation, my expecting, was no longer expected, because, he was here. "It's a boy," a nurse said as she cleaned the baby off.

The nurse placed him in my arms and I smiled as the baby looked at me. I smiled more,

"Hello Jaden, I've been expecting you."