easter: 7/11/06
it was warm & almost dark &
i knew it was the best of spring
because there were big white
flowers on the trees outside the
window.

& maybe i’m mixing up the
days in my head, but i can
almost swear it was the time
when we met at the corner
where our streets almost came
together (but it was only in our
minds, they never really touched)
& we walked through the old
garage, past the rotting remains
of car wrecks & i couldn’t see
myself in the windows because
there weren’t any.

& i don’t remember if it was
before or after that cloudy
afternoon in the park but i know
that that day was the
twenty-seventh of april &
twenty-seven was a promise that
i’m not sure i ever wanted you to
keep (not that you would have
anyway).

& what i remember best is how
we walked through the grass so
i could kick at the dandelions
with that pantomimed fury but
you were angry for real & it was
my fault, my fault, i shouldn’t
have said anything, i hate myself
but then you said you were
kidding but you’re never kidding.

but you held my hand again &
it was okay for awhile.

& then you bought this big
chocolate easter rabbit & were
eating it while we walked & i
didn’t want my parents to see
& think you were stoned again,
even though you probably were,
but i believed you when you
said you were clean now, even
though you probably weren’t.

& i didn’t stop to remember the
significance of our easter− that
it was the day before easter that
we told secrets on the phone all
night (when we were really just
trying to win each other over), &
it was on easter that i missed you
so much all day, & it was the day
after easter that you & me became
we even though i wasn’t sure what
that meant then.

& i know it was the night that you
introduced me to your drug dealer
& her best friend, who laughed like
everyone did because they thought
i was too pretty for you, but maybe
only because they’d probably had
you too, in the worst way.

& i acted like i was pleased to meet
her even though my insides pulled
me away because i couldn’t change
you.

& i went home later & only
remembered the untainted,
uninfluenced pieces of that night &
still felt your hand in mine like you
weren’t still on the hard sidewalks in
the harsh light from the stores around
you with her dirty smile & wandering
eyes & i felt my mind crying out loud
& i didn’t know why.